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Episode 26: Vampires[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Vampires

(Organ rendition of "You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)

You Know What's Bullshit?! Vampires.

Don't get me wrong. Vampires were an awesome concept. An unholy creature of the night that's dead but remains alive by feeding on the blood of the living? With an unstoppable, immortal villain like that, they need to have a weakness. An Achilles' heel if you will. But with all the stories over the generations, there's been too many ways to kill a vampire or keep them from killing you.

Of course, there's the classic wooden stake; you drive it through their heart, they die.

Then there's silver; I guess the werewolf curse rubbed off. Silver's not as common with the vampire myth, but supposedly, it still does the job. Whether a silver bullet or anything made of silver. So if you can stab 'em with something silver, and something made of wood, then it could probably be made of anything. I don't know, has anyone ever tested anything else? You can also kill a vampire by severing their head. Now, I don't know anybody that would survive if their head was cut off. I guess anything that would normally kill a person, would also kill a vampire. In fact, in the Dracula novel, the famous count is killed by knives.

Fire, that's another one. If a vampire's trapped in a fire and burns to ashes, that's game over.

Sunlight, that's classic. A vampire is as vulnerable as undeveloped film; expose them to sunlight, they're useless.

Then there's all the religious things: for example, a vampire's scared away if you show them a crucifix. Or anything that's shaped like a cross, so it can even happen by accident.

Holy water: just because water's been blessed by a priest, they can't touch it. It burns them. By the way, who cares about Holy water, when you can also kill them with regular, plain-ass water? That's right, running water to be exact. So if they fall in a river or try to take a shower or somethin', they're done for.

A Bible: they can't touch that either.

The Hawthorne tree can also hurt a vampire because of its connection with the crown of thorns on Jesus Christ. So, that's the religious stuff. Of course, a vampire is an unholy being so he's fended off by Holy things. That makes sense at least, but where did the whole garlic thing come from? If you put garlic around your house, consider yourself safe. Vampires won't go near it! I don't like asparagus, but you put asparagus in the room, I'm not gonna run away.

Wolfbane: another thing that should be reserved for the werewolf. That's what "wolfbane" means, it's a werewolf repellent! But no, it keeps vampires away too!

Mirrors: they don't cast a reflection, that's fine if you want to recognize them, but sometimes they hate mirrors so much, it's another way to keep 'em out!

Rice or seeds: this one is just fucking stupid. Supposedly, if you spread rice or seeds around, they'll have to stop and count them all. So every vampire's like the Count from Sesame Street? How dysfunctional can any terror of the night be to have to count things?!

Also, they have to sleep in their own native soil. That comes from the myth about them having to return to their own grave at night. So they can't travel far, unless they have their coffin with them, filled with dirt. That's great.

Wanna load up your house with garlic, crucifixes, and wolfbane to keep out vampires? Not necessary, just don't invite them in. That's right, a vampire can't enter your home, UNLESS YOU INVITE THEM! Is this supposed to be a bloodsucking horror, or a cocksucking pussy? If vampires were real, I wouldn't even be scared! I'd feel sorry for them. They can't go out in the day, they have to drink blood, they're killed by water and sunlight, two things that are as common as common can be, and they have to sleep in a coffin filled with dirt. Might as well be filled with BULLSHIT!

(Organ rendition of "You Know What's Bullshit?!" Theme plays)

Episode 27: Hotel Rooms[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Hotel Rooms

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!

If you stay in a lot of hotels, you come across some weird things, contraptions that defy human intelligence, like this bathroom door. What the hell is this all about? Instead of a regular knob, we have this circular latch. How does this work?

Method #1: Shut the doors and turn the latch. Nope.

Method #2: Turn the latch first, then shut the doors. UGH! God! Come on! UGH! FUCK! The bathroom is the worst possible place to have this problem. This door NEEDS to shut. Nobody wants to see you in there doin' your business. (The Bullshit Man continues to struggle shutting the doors and even accidentally shuts his thumb in the latch) Ow!

How did they fuck up something as simple as a door?! (The Bullshit Man finally manages to shut the door) Finally.

Here's an example of a hotel room with a real bathroom door. Isn't that nice? Now, where's the light switch? Where is it?

(The Bullshit Man finds the light switch on the outside of the bathroom) You gotta be kidding me. It's outside the bathroom.

Who came up with that idea? Put the light switch IN the bathroom! Sure, some of the space is taken up by the tub, sink and toilet, but you have plenty of wall space! Don't design a bathroom without a light switch. What if you're in the shower and your roommate accidentally flicks the wrong switch? They wouldn't even realize it would go pitch black in there and you'd be shouting over the sound of running water with soap and shampoo in your eyes!

While we're on the topic of hotels, why are the stairs so elusive? Everybody's so used to elevators that the stairs are completely forgotten. If you ask the hotel staff, "Where's the stairs?", they usually look at you funny, like you just asked: "Where's the fucking shitbath?". And when you do find the stairs, it looks like nobody's used them in YEARS. I always feel like I managed to unlock some secret dungeon. Why are the stairs so taboo? Nobody knows where they are. What would everybody do if there was a fire?

Hotels are the most bizarre, unpredictable examples of modern architecture. Not to mention, they're bullshit.

Episode 28: Word Pronunciations[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Word Pronunciations

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Word Pronunciations.

The Internet has joined the world together and now everybody with all their different dialects and preferences gets to criticize each other for how they speak. A word that I cannot avoid using is "Review" (says it as reeview). I've always said "'Review" till everybody tells me it's "Re'view". Why would it be 'Review'? What about "'Recap"? Would you say "Re'cap"? Re'do, re'call, re'hire, re'group, re'appear, re'enact...why is it so strange to say 'review'? The prefix "re-" means to do again. You're viewing something again for comment. You re-view it.

"Bury", that's the next one. What am I doing wrong this time? It's "Bury". But everyone else says "Berry". It's spelled with a U. Why wouldn't it be "Bury"? There is such a thing as Berry, but that's a different word and it's clearly spelled with an E, not to mention an extra R which doesn't seem to affect anything. (Shows a picture for Bury) This is Bury, (Shows a picture for Berry) that's Berry. If we have two different words that mean two different things and spell two different ways, why the fuck don't we pronounce them two different ways?

Why would anyone care anyway if I say "review" or "bury"? Are you confused? As long as you understand what I'm saying, what's the point of bringing so much attention to it? It's not important. However, if I took a word like "Walk" and pronounced it like "Disanthoplonopius", then you might need to raise some questions.

It doesn't matter, because there's no consistency with pronunciations anyway. Oh sorry, I should've said "pronunciation". Well, then why do you "pronounce" a word? Why don't you "pronunce" it?

I hate plural words. There's no rules. If the plural of Pan is Pans, then why the hell's there no such thing as Mans? The plural of Man is Men.

How about Ox and Oxen? Where'd they get that from? Why isn't it Oxes? Like Boxes? What's the plural of Cock then? Coxen?

How about Moose? What would you say if there's more than one moose? Mooses, right? No, it's just Moose. Yeah, it's the same fuckin' word.

How about Goose? Would you say "there's a flock of goose"? No, you say Geese. That's just great. Well then, fuck you, next time I see a bunch of moose I'm gonna say "Hey, look at all those motherfuckin' MEESE!" Don't tell me it's not a real word. It is. It is a word. I just said it. It should be on a goddamn shirt.

What's up with Mouse and Mice? That makes no sense. Instead of House and Houses, let's start saying House and Hice.

Booth, Booths, Tooth, Tooths... sorry, Teeth. Fuck plurals.

Fuck silent letters too. How about the middle day of the week? It's spelled like "wed-nes-day", but you pronounce it "wens-day". What's with the silent letters? Silent B (Plumber), silent C (Muscle), silent D (Handkerchief), silent G (Design), silent H (Scheme), silent I (Business), silent K (Knife), silent N (Damn), silent P (Pneumonia), silent T (Buffet), silent U (Guess), silent W (Wrong), how about a silent __ (FU)?

How 'bout we'll pronounce our words however we want? Everybody's different, talk the way ya talk. Anybody who objects, shut the hell up, suck our coxen. I've spent my whole life tryin' to learn the English language, and I'll never get it perfect, because it's BULLSHIT!

Episode 29: Public Bathrooms[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Public Bathrooms

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Public bathrooms.

Everybody's gotta use 'em, so you have no choice to deal with the bullshit. They're all different. Sometimes they're fine, other times they're not.

Did you ever try to sit down and take a shit, and all of a sudden the toilet flushes itself on its own and sprays your ass with water? It's like an industrial strength flush because some fuckheads clog the toilet so they have to make them extra powerful. You never know what's gonna happen.

You go to dry your hands, and the automatic paper towel dispenser only spits out like 2 inches of paper towels at a time. As soon as you touch it, it becomes a sopping wet paper ball and your hands are still dripping wet. Just because some assholes waste all the paper, we're suffering the punishment of having these awful contraptions.

Then there's the paperless version: the dreaded air blower. It's supposed to be eco-friendly, I get the idea, but the air either comes out so soft it takes hours to get your hands dry, or it's so fuckin' brutal it nearly blasts your flesh off! 

I also hate bathrooms that have one urinal with a toilet next to it. Like somebody would really wanna be seen takin' a shit next to somebody takin' a piss. Put a fuckin' stall around it!

The thing I hate most of all is the faucets. (The Bullshit Man struggles to get the automatic faucet to activate) Come on! Come... I feel like an idiot. (The faucet finally activates) Come on, am I - ah, there it goes.

(The Bullshit Man struggles at another faucet) Come on. Come on! (It finally activates) There we go. (It turns back off suddenly) Oh, and that's it?

(The Bullshit Man is at a push-activated faucet) Ah man, I hate these ones that you have to push. It only stays on while you're pushing it. Come on, I can't wash both hands at the same time? This sucks! What's the point of this? This is because some idiots couldn't turn the sinks off?

Public bathrooms are like an obstacle course of technical failures. A place where shit happens, and this kind is bullshit.

Not to mention, even while taking a piss, you can't get away from sports.

Episode 30: Water[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Water

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Water.

Specifically, the water that you drink. You need it to stay hydrated. When you're in public, you always end up having to buy bottled water, but there's so many different choices. It's just water. What's the deal?

Have you ever read the back of the label? It should just say "ingredients: water", but it isn't always just water, is it? Dasani water, which is made by the Coca-Cola Company, contains additives. (The Bullshit Man reads the Dasani label) "Magnesium sulfate"? "Potassium chloride"? "Salt"? "Adds a negligible amount of sodium"?

(The Bullshit Man turns to the camera) Negligible or not, I don't want sodium added to my water. The whole point is to hydrate yourself, not get more thirsty, and I'm not a chemist, but I don't know what all that other stuff is for.

Oh, there you go, "Minerals added for taste."

Ah, gotta love the taste of that magnesium sulfate and potassium chloride!

And what's with the Dasani Drops flavor enhancer? On the ad on the website, it looks like period blood!

At least you have plenty of different options whenever you're in a store. Here, you can make sure what you're buying is just plain water without any bullshit added to it, but in most public places, I've been taking notice, the only option is Dasani water. Seriously, go to a movie theater, anywhere, find water that isn't Dasani.

It's not often. Dasani is everywhere, especially conventions and concerts. Crowded, sweaty places where dehydration can be a serious problem. Why can't we have access to real water? I mean, come on! No other water besides Dasani?

Coca-Cola bought out all these places and runs a monopoly on this basic human necessity. If they could find a way to buy the air we breathe and add chemicals to it, I bet they would! And that's bullshit!

Episode 31: Sleep[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Sleep

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Sleep.

I hate it. I could get so much more done if I didn't have to shut my eyes and go unconscious every now and then. Everybody has a different sleeping schedule. There's the early birds who represent the majority of our society, who function naturally during the day, and there's the night owls who function naturally during the night.

We need both these kind of people to make the world work. But the part that triggers my Bullshit Alert is that the early birds often feel the need to look down upon night owls. "Oh, you wake up at noon..." As if they're superior just because they like to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn.

What is this stigma against night owls? Even Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." What an ass.

It's as if when the early birds see somebody asleep, they interpret it as laziness without realizing night owls are working while they're asleep.

Once the phone stops ringing and things become quiet, night owls can focus on being productive and get a lot done, especially artists who have to be creative. You can't always summon spontaneous imagination. Sometimes, it only comes natural in the late night hours.

If you're not a morning person, chances are you found out during school, when you're forced to wake up early no matter who you are. School starts so fuckin' early, all those years of my alarm clock waking me out of a deep REM sleep, I never got used to it.

When you grow up, only then, do you get to choose your own destiny. In college, everybody stays up late. I didn't know anybody in college who liked getting up early. Is it a generational thing? Maybe, and that's possibly the reason older generations like to make fun of night owls, because, the elderly are never thought of as being energetic or lively, so when they see young people sleeping, that's their chance to get back at them.

I've tried to get to the core meaning of why early birds make fun of night owls, and I think it has something to do with the awareness that somebody else is sleeping.

The shut eyes and lack of consciousness has some connection with the appearance of death. And that makes people feel awkward, so they balance it out by making fun of the situation.

That's why people sometimes play pranks on their sleeping friends. Drawing on their faces, the old shaving cream in the hands, stuff like that. So I guess it boils down to the fear of death, the eternal sleep. But for now, we'll die in short intervals. We can't escape sleep. It's the inevitable bullshit.

Episode 32: Dangerous Funeral Processions[]

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You Know What's Bullshit!? - Dangerous Funeral Processions

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!

Sometimes I talk about things that aren't that important, but this time, it's about life and death.

So I'm in my truck. I'm drivin' up to a red light, the light changes green, I keep goin'.

But the next car comes through the intersection and nearly hits me! At first, I think it's just some asshole running a red light, but then I notice all the cars are going through the light and then I realize it's a funeral procession.

My frustration subsides and I feel a wave of sympathy. Funerals are not bullshit, they're a healthy way of getting together with family and mourning the death of a loved one.

The part that's bullshit is that they don't make it clear enough that it's a funeral procession.

It's not like anybody's directing traffic or it's not like an ambulance or a police car that has loud sirens and flashing lights. These are just ordinary cars.

Sometimes they have flags on top or just stickers on the windshield which you'll never see until you're up close. Other times, they just have their blinkers on and that's it. When you see a car with their blinkers on from the side, it just looks like they have their turn signal on.

You won't realize what's happening until the last second before impact!

And the worst part is, everybody looks at you, like you're the asshole, like you were tryin' to cut in on purpose. I respect that it's a funeral, but it'd be nice to keep there from being another funeral!

Is it so necessary to stay together that it's worth disrupting the normal flow of traffic and endangering everybody on the road? Can't they just say "Meet at the church?" "Meet at the cemetery?" Maybe in the old days, people had a harder time finding their way, but now there's cell phones, there's Internet and there's GPS, which I admit, GPS can be bullshit, too.

Let's respect the dead, but let's also respect the safety of people who are still alive. Dangerous funeral processions are bullshit!

Episode 33: Oversized Packaging[]

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You Know What's Bullshit?! Episode 33 - Oversized Packaging

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Look. Just look. (The Bullshit Man holds an oversized Lexar JumpDrive package towards the camera) I don't need to say anything.

Why does something this small need to have packaging this large? It's such a waste of cardboard, and it leads to more waste because oversize packaging requires oversize boxes to mail it in.

I ordered this from Amazon and when the box came, I didn't even know what it was. I thought I got drunk and ordered a big coffee table book or something, then I opened it and saw this.

You wanna get technical? The JumpDrive is two and a half inches long. The packaging is thirteen inches by nine inches! And if you were to use all that extra space, I estimate you could fit forty-five JumpDrives.

(The Bullshit Man holds another Lexar JumpDrive package but this one is the right size.) Now this right here is how it should be. This is proof that it can be done.

This is the same company, Lexar, and I ordered both of them from Amazon. If they're from the same manufacturer and sold by the same place, why do they come in two completely different kinds of packaging?

They're the same product too. The only difference is the capacity. One holds 128 gigabytes, the other holds 256. You might say the large packaging is for extra security or some shit, like if somebody robs an Amazon warehouse, then wouldn't you think the more expensive JumpDrive would be the one in the large packaging? There's no way to make sense of it.

Holding the big one is a surreal experience. It makes me feel like my hands are small like I'm shrinking in size. Maybe this wasn't meant to be sold. Maybe it's a prop for the next Honey, I Shrunk movie.

Also, this is a pretty serious piece of cardboard. You could break a window with this thing. To get the JumpDrive out with your bare hands, it would take a lot of force.

(The Bullshit Man groans trying to tear the large packaging open with his bare hands) Why do they make ya have to use scissors? Holy shit. It even withstands scissors. You will not defeat me, you... piece of shit!

(The Bullshit Man uses a saw to cut the packaging and continues to tear at it, groaning.) Your mother, your mother, your mother...! Aaaaaargh! (The Bullshit Man continues to saw and tear, using a box cutter, scissors and a screwdriver, finally managing to pop it out.) Finally. (Notices the JumpDrive is secured in a plastic casing.) Ohhh, fuck! (Finally tears it out after more struggle.) Oh, jeez.

It's been a while since I've talked about all this kind of nonsense. It's really hard because there's lack of time, but there's no lack of bullshit.

Episode 34: Clothing Tags[]

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You Know What's Bullshit - Episode 34 Clothing Tags

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?!? Those T-shaped things in clothing.

I don't know if there's a name for them and I don't give a shit, but all I know is they suck. You know what I mean, right? They're basically plastic strings that run through the fabric to attach the price tag, so after you buy them, you have to take them off. Couldn't they come up with a better solution? How 'bout just a sticker, or something that clips on?

I hate removing these things. I avoid buying new clothes just so I don't have to deal with this. (The Bullshit Man groans pulling a price tag off as it rips and the plastic part stays in the shirt.) AHHHH... FUCK!

Once the tag is off, all hope is lost. I don't feel like having to find scissors every time I buy new clothes. I know there's probably an easier way to remove them, but why should we ever have to discuss how to remove tags from clothing? I don't care, it shouldn't even have to occupy the smallest portion of our brains!

Removing them isn't even the part that's bullshit. The real bullshit is that you'll find these things laying all over the house. I don't understand why because after I take them off, I throw them in the trash. But somehow, they keep appearing everywhere. It's truly a phenomenon.

If you have cats or infants, the stakes are raised because you don't want anybody swallowing them, so it becomes almost a matter of life or death to find these fuckers.

They blend into the carpet; they turn invisible the moment you cut them off.

When you use scissors, it makes two pieces, so you have to keep track of both of them. I always hold the end with the tag, but I don't have three hands, so the other end is going to fall somewhere, but I always find it and throw it in the trash immediately. Then how do they keep showing up?! Where are they coming from? Are there little sneaky elves that come in and hide them around the house?

It's a mystery, but the only thing that's perfectly clear, is that they're bullshit.

Episode 35: Wobbly Tables[]

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You Know What's Bullshit?! - Wobbly tables (Episode 35)

(Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit!)

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Wobbly tables.

You know what I mean, you're at a restaurant or wherever. You lean on a table and, whoa, it jiggles! Try cuttin' some steak and everything trembles like there's a fuckin' earthquake!

Yeah, you sit across from somebody, you each place your elbows on the table, and it teeters back and forth like a seesaw! Is this supposed to be fun? Who likes this?! I don't! I don't wanna spill wine or coffee, stain my clothes, or burn myself!

What causes this wobbly table phenomenon? Why is it so common?

One example's the cross-shaped base. This is when the table is supported by only one leg, but with four foot extensions. For some reason, they aren't properly balanced or the floor is uneven or whatever. So one foot is always raised, and the constant shifting of human weight causes the table to rock in four possible directions. It's similar to a D-Pad on an NES controller, but this is no game. Maybe if you hooked up to an NES, you can have the Mario table D-Pad challenge. There you go. Use that idea for your retro restaurant. You're welcome.

Tables with four legs have the same problem. Again, likely due to the uneven floor, but sometimes, one leg is ever so slightly shorter or missing a small piece on the bottom. How does this happen? Are there a group of magic gnomes sneaking about with saws and chisels? Let's ruin everybody's tables! (giggles)

The problem persists with almost every type of table I've seen. The cross-legged based, trestle based, pestle-based, tennis ball foot, cloth foot, Big Bird foot, Cat in the Hat bazooka palm tree foot, you know.

How hard is it to make a table that isn't defeated by the natural predicament of an uneven earth? It's not a new invention! Tables have been around for a long time! The Ancient Chinese ones were awesome! I bet those didn't wobble. How about the Ancient Egyptian ones? I mean, look at that! (stammers) Okay, that doesn't look too stable... but it's old!

We need to find a better solution for tables. Drive a fuckin' metal stake through it. I don't care. Just get it to stop wobbling! I'm the Bullshit Man, and I missed you. But I wouldn't miss this bullshit!

Episode 36: Snow[]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Snow.

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You Know What's Bullshit?! - Snow (Episode 36)

Yeah, everybody knows it. What more could be said? But the topic is bullshit, and this is one of the bullshittiest of all. 

The only month I find snow welcome is in December, only if it comes down in moderation. You want that unreasonable balance where it's just enough to give you that holiday spirit, but not enough to affect your family travels. It's like asking for a slight hint of apocalypse.

And the chance of it actually snowing on Christmas or whenever exactly it is you want it to happen, is less than 10%. Unless you live inside of a movie, then it's 100.

You want to see just enough snow to bring back all those childhood memories of school being canceled, having snowball fights, sledding, making snowmen, but now it's all about shoveling driveways, rescheduling appointments and, in the worst scenarios, trying not to get killed.

When January comes, you're thinkin', "Okay snow, we get it. You made your point. Fuck you too."

Then February, it's so bad it's not even worth complaining about. You're thinkin', "This is the worst of it. Just hang in there. It'll be over soon."

And then March comes and it's like "Oh, come on! Enough already!"

St. Patrick's Day is supposed to be a green holiday, but it's always blanketed in white snow.

When I was a kid, I remember playing outside, lookin' for four-leaf clovers. But recently, I don't think I've ever seen a living clover on St. Patrick's Day. You'd have a better chance seeing a leprechaun. So, maybe by Easter, it might be over?

And then half the summer is spent tryin' to catch up on all the things you were tryin' to do that got postponed. And the summer heat is the only thing that rivals the snow. But as much as I hate wiping sweat from my forehead every ten seconds to keep it from drippin' into my eyes, and swatting flies that keep landin' into my ears, still, no matter how bad the summer gets, you can at least get in your car and drive to a grocery store.

But in snow like this, you can't leave the house. Shut down your life, make no plans, just hibernate 'til it's all over. And next year, get ready to deal with it again, and again, and again. You might ask, "If you hate snow so much, why do you choose to live in an area, that gets snow?" To that I answer, "I don't know. I... don't... know." All I know is, it's bullshit!

Episode 37: The Word 'Bimonthly'![]

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You Know What’s BS!? The Word Bimonthly!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!

Well - there hasn't been any You Know What's Bullshit episodes in a long time, but that's only because of an already packed video schedule of all these different Cinemassacre shows. So I had a meeting, sat down and talked with the Screenwave people, we worked out a new plan, a new schedule, to get You Know What's Bullshit episodes released bimonthly. That's right, bimonthly.

But as the meeting went on, there was some confusion. Half the room thought bimonthly meant every two months. The other half thought it meant twice a month. So, we looked it up. According to merriam-webster.com, bimonthly has two definitions: occurring every two months, or, occurring twice a month! What... the fuck?

To confirm, we looked at oxforddictionaries.com, which says occurring or produced twice a month, or every two months. In other words, it means whatever ya want it to mean.

Bimonthly is a completely useless word. To say it, you'd have to assume the person you're talking to knows which of the two conflicting meanings you intend. And the same problem happens with the word biweekly. How did such a blunder fall into common English language? Which already has tons of problems. See my episode on Word Pronunciations.

So obviously, the word Bi means two. A bicycle has two wheels. Not one wheel for every two bikes, it means two. Simple as that.

Similar to bi-monthly is bi-annually, but bi-annual simply means twice a year. So when we're talking in the measurement of weeks and months, we have conflicting ideas, but when we get to a year, we suddenly agree.

There even exists a different word that means every two years. A completely separate word to offer distinction from Biannual. The word... is Biennial! You gotta be kidding me. What's worse? A word that means two separate things, or two separate words that sound alike? How could it be any more confusing?

Then there's the word Bicentennial which is used when talking about a 200 year anniversary. In other words, two centuries. It never means twice in one century. Does this prefix have any consistency?

Well, I gotta take a shit, which I do Bidaily, meaning twice a day or every other day, unlike Bicircadian, which only means twice a day, or Bidelly, which is twice every other day, or Biduty, which means two shits in one sitting, or Bi-fuck-it-day, which means I don't know what the fuck I mean, or, Bi-fuckin'-bull-bi-fuck-shit, which means, the bullshit is comin' back, twice every... somethin'. So at least you're gettin' more, and that part ain't bullshit.

Episode 38: Apple's Lack of Buttons[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Apple’s_Lack_of_Buttons

You Know What’s BS!? Apple’s Lack of Buttons

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! (record needle scratches) I can't say that word in the beginning of the videos anymore.

But you know what's ALSO BS?! Apple's vendetta against buttons. You know what I mean. Apple's tryin' to phase out a basic and perfectly functional part of modern technology: the Button. You push it. It makes things happen. But apparently, that's not good enough.

Remember long ago when the mouse used to have two buttons? Even a trackball for vertical and horizontal scrolling? But then, Apple made them all vanish. I hope they're proud of themselves.

Even the iPhone has only one button, which is perfectly fine since anything you wanna press is on the screen. But try the Safari browser for an example: bring up a webpage, all the buttons are on the bottom such as back, forward, etc. Perfect, right? But as soon as ya start scrolling through a webpage, the buttons disappear. THANKS!

And it's not just Apple. Mostly anything you do on a modern device is done by complex touch commands. Touch the left, touch the right, drag two fingers, swipe three fingers, how 'bout the middle finger?

What's the deal with hiding buttons? Do they think it looks cleaner, like buttons are tacky? Do they think it makes it cutting-edge and futuristic? Like somebody at Apple saw it in a sci-fi movie and actually thought it would be a good idea in real life?

What's next? Are they gonna take away all the buttons on a keyboard, so all ya have is a blank chrome slab of nothing? Oh, no, don't give 'em any ideas.

I will never understand why minimalism is so appealing on a mechanical device, especially at the expense of function. Does anyone think this is cool? Like, "Oh yeah, look how tiny, smooth, and attractive my device is... It does more with less... It helps harnace my mellow... It sparks joy man... isn't that impressive and coooool?".

Well, forgive my cranky aging ass, but I'm a stuff-loving, button-mashing man. I like my damn buttons!

You wanna camp out in line for the latest and greatest super device version three-million point eight and a half or whatever? Just because it's half a millimeter thinner and has no buttons? Are doorknobs gonna be next? Imagine a door with no knob. Ya have to swipe your finger on the spot where ya think the doorknob would be.

Well I say to Apple and all these high-tech companies, I hope you're proud of yourselves. You made the buttons disappear. Great magic trick! Now can you make them reappear? 'Cause that's bullshit.

Episode 39: Rolls of Tape[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Rolls_of_Tape

You Know What’s BS!? Rolls of Tape

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Tape. Specifically, a roll of tape.

The point of tape is that it's sticky. That physical property ironically causes such anguish. Despite engineered attempts to thwart this reality, tape will inevitably stick to itself. It will find its way loose from the plastic holder and become stuck in a perpetual loop, foiled by its primary function: to stick and be sticky, without sticking so sticky.

The problem happens most often with packing tape, the transparent or brown kind that you can use a dispenser with. The dispenser represents humanity's vain efforts to keep the tape from sticking to itself. But whenever you manage to cut off a piece of tape without the loose end slipping off the dispenser and becoming forever stuck to the roll, consider yourself lucky.

Once it's stuck there, the first problem is finding it. You hold it in the light and turn the roll around and around until finally ya see that little crease. Ya pick at it with your fingernails, but only manage to tear off a thin strip. You keep pulling, hoping the strip will go around the roll and be reunited with the main part of the tape, but instead, it only creates its own perpetual loop, creating a secondary smaller roll of tape, before ripping off and losing itself completely, and now, ya have to start all over again but with the added mess of multiple tape rolls. Which is the real one? Where do ya start? You're just fucked.

You're wrappin' a gift. It starts out innocently enough. You're busy folding that wrapping paper, tryin' to do a neat job at it. But now, ya need that tape, so you're leanin' your elbow on the seam of those precious paper folds, while picking at an endless circle of tape, praying for a miracle. You know there has to be an end. The tape is not infinite. But next thing, you're havin' a spiritual crisis. You start damning the person the gift is for. Surely it is their fault you cannot find the end of the tape roll! If you had a time machine, you could go back and warn your younger self not to engage with this person just so you don't have to buy them a birthday gift requiring gift wrap, and deal with that torture invention tape!

With cramped elbows and fingers bleeding, salted by tears of frustration and despair, you consider defeat. But just then, the bumpy ridges of a seam! Angels descend and harps begin to play! Eureka! You grab the end between your forefinger and thumb, and with the grace of the almighty, begin to peel it back. Salvation is in sight! But it veers to the edge and rips, turning into that useless unholy sliver. With that sliver now stuck to your finger, you cry out "Why? Why have you forsaken me?!"

You continue to pick at the end of the tape, a roller coaster of hope and disappointment, growing old and senile with repetition, until you're dead. Dead from tape. And furthermore, dead from BULLSHIT!

Episode 40: Pogs[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Pogs

You Know What’s BS!? Pogs

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! The game Pogs. The most overly popular thing in existence.

Wait a minute. It's not that popular anymore? Nobody even talks about it now? Forgotten? Completely?! Huh. Well, this type of bullshit seems to have been isolated in the '90s. I guess this episode should be retitled, You Know What WAS Bullshit.

So, if you're younger than me, and you're wondering "what the hell are Pogs?", let me explain. Pogs had its origin in Hawaii in the '20s with milk bottle caps that were turned into a game. Then the '90s, for some unknown reason, it got a huge revival as Pogs, named after the Pog juice brand. Rather than bottle caps, they were being mass-produced as little cardboard discs, sorta like miniature drink coasters. They came in all different themes and there existed every type of Pog imaginable. Ninja Turtle Pogs, Power Ranger Pogs, there even existed O.J. Simpson trial Pogs. I'm not fuckin' kidding.

They became a collectors' thing, similar to trading cards. So kids would meet up and play a game with them, in which you'd have the opportunity to win more Pogs for your collection, or lose them to your friends or enemies. So basically, you'd bet your Pogs, similar to chips in poker or other gambling games. You'd each put your Pogs in a stack, then using a thicker, heavier Pog called a slammer, you'd take turns slamming it down on the stack, making them scatter. Then you'd get to take home every Pog that landed face up, or... face down, I forget which.

And it got serious. You were playing for keeps. When those Pogs flipped, there was like a moral fuckin' code. Even though you weren't betting actual money, it was still considered controversial on the school playgrounds. Kids liked to think they were badass by playing Pogs. They'd collect ones that had skulls and shit on 'em. But it got really outta hand. Every day after school, everybody I knew was playing Pogs.

Lookin' back, it's hard to imagine how something could've been so popular, when they're virtually non-existent today. But I tell you, they were like Magic: The Gathering. They were a big fucking deal. To understand the gravity of what I'm saying here, this was like the '90s equivalent of Pokémon Go. Hard to believe, but it really was THAT big.

Back then, I was sick of hearing about them, and now, I'm just as perplexed how easily certain bullshit like this could just vanish overnight. These things were just as common as free AOL discs. You couldn't look anywhere without seeing them laying around. They spread across the Earth. Now they've been gone for like 20 years. Good riddance, but geez, that's the pure definition of the word "fad".

Where did they all go? I mean, physically? Where did they put them all? The mathematics don't make sense! There were SO many! But now, the only way to find them, is if you're actually looking. On purpose. And who knows? Maybe they'll come back. Aw, no. Did I just contribute in any way to help encourage Pogs to make a comeback? I hope not. That would be bullshit.

Episode 41: Stickers on Fruit[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Stickers_on_Fruit

You Know What’s BS!? Stickers on Fruit

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Stickers on fruit.

Do ya like to eat stickers? No? Well, then why put 'em on fruit? They're on all produce.

Try cutting an apple or something, then ya take a bite; "oh shit, there's a sticker in my mouth". Oh, you can just take them off? Bullshit. "Oops, I fucked up my tomato tryin' to peel the sticker off". If ya try using a knife, you'll end up losing a big chunk of the fruit or veggie, and hopefully not a big chunk outta your finger. Watch out! This is extra work! Why does there always have to be stickers on it?

Now, of course I know what the stickers are for. They are PLU (price look-up codes), and they apparently come from the International Federation for Produce Standards. Bananas are code 4011, broccoli are 4060, eggplants are 4081, and so on. It tells the register which fruit or veggie it is. Makes more sense than barcoding everything I guess.

Speaking of barcodes, a lot of stores have scales in the produce department that let you weigh and ring up your own produce before ya get to the register. But it prints out an even bigger sticker! Sure - it skips a few steps at checkout, like the employee punching in the item and weighing it, but that's their job, not mine.

I actually did a test. I removed all the stickers from my produce, and the cashier was able to ring them up just fine! No extra weight! But then again, everything I bought was pretty normal.

I think the issue is, there exists too much produce. Look at this; there's like 20 different apples, all this tropical shit, horned melons... wow, that's frightening. There's 1500 PLU codes currently. That's a lot of produce. Couldn't we pare it down to like, 50? Y'know, keep it simple?

Also, what's the deal with advertising on produce? I get that cereal boxes and snacks do it, because those boxes stick around for weeks (maybe months), but most produce wrappers are immediately thrown away. How is that effective advertising? I'm not gonna buy lettuce just because there's a Jedi on it.

That's why I think pineapples are the perfect fruit, because they can't be defaced with a sticker. They have a naturally spiky defense system. They had to tie some stupid rope to the stalk to avoid the death spikes! Yeah! Pineapples are metal as fuck! And that ain't bullshit.

Episode 42: Inflatable Decorations[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Inflatable_Decorations

You Know What’s BS!? Inflatable Decorations

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Inflatable decorations.

These lawn parasites have taken over suburbia the last 20 years. Ya can't go 40 feet down a sidewalk without bumping into one of these baffling blow-up dolls.

A lot of people refer to Autumn as the fall. Yeah, the FALL of decorating decency. Great job society! Our neighborhoods went from a spine-tingly spooky sideshow of vintage Halloween classics, to an air-filled obstacle course of licensed characters and cliché family-friendly frights. Which really sucks, because we are truly living in the renaissance of Halloween decorating.

There's even entire STORES nowadays dedicated to Halloween that pop up each year. They usually take residence in an abandoned strip mall or former retail store during the season. It's almost like the original store died, and now it's a ghost. Anyway, one stroll through and you'll realize how many awesome decorations there are available.

Hmmm, here's the inflatable costumes. Rightfully next to the Poop costumes. But where are all the inflatable decorations? Why aren't they on display next to the cool mechanical monsters? Because the inflatable crap isn't cool - that's why! They hide them in the back! The employees must be ashamed of them. And there's only like six different models to choose from in this Lawn Scares section. Hmmm, then, where is everyone buying all these lousy lawn ornaments? At your local home improvement store, that's where. Yep, the same place that sells bubble wrap and toilets also carries these giant monstrosities. Home improvement my ass!

Actually - wow. There's a lot of really cool classic decorations here too. Look at this giant skeleton. These animatronics. And all this other spooky shit. All the good stuff is here, but it's looked down upon by the inflatable stuff. Literally. They loom above, like spirits in a bog. Except for this Minion. I guess it died up there. (groans) Ugh, I don't think the Minions are six feet tall; people find them cute because they're short, not tall as a grown-ass person. And this one's a pirate with a sword. Good riddance! (chuckles) Huh, yeah! Outdoor pest is right.

Man, I don't mean to change my mind mid-episode, but the giant Oogie Boogie, Beetlejuice sandworm, and Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors are kinda cool. That's my main problem. I hate that I actually like a lot of these. They just don't match any of my older decorations. They glow like a beacon, and look too cartoony. The only thing they match is each other. They are the Funko Pops of decorating.

And it's not just Halloween. These things are REALLY out in full force during Christmas. You may have seen my You Know What's Bullshit on the Christmas aftermath, where I talk about people leaving their decorations out past their season. Well, coupled with Halloween, every other house looks like a tacky closing mattress store from late August until fucking February. I've even seen some lawns that had a mix of Halloween and Christmas balloons at the same time! It's like some Jekyll and Hyde transfiguration that got stuck midway through. Actually, these displays might be the scariest I've ever seen. Toss Thanksgiving into the mix too, and imagine the Nativity scene, but the Three Wise Men are Jack Skellington, a turkey pilgrim, and a Dallas fucking Cowboy. (whistle blows)

Okay okay, I'm not just talking shit. I speak from experience. I've gotten a few of these things before, and it ALWAYS ends in disaster. Their usual position is face down in your lawn, making Santa look like a damn drunk. They can't handle the seasonal rain or the wind too well, and you always have to constantly re-stake them down, because they shift every day. Not because they're balloons or whatever, as they're not filled with helium. They inflate with an air pump that provides a constant supply of regular air. You cut power to the pump, and they die quickly. People usually set them on a timer, so they only run at night with the regular string lights, but then, they look all deflated in the daytime, like piles of balloon bologna. So if these things aren't blown up 24 hours a day, your lawn looks like a Who Framed Roger Rabbit massacre took place. Or, I guess the villain in Frosty the Snowman won, and Frosty melted to the ground. I always wanted to know what Frosty looked like flaccid. Save money, by just scattering rainbow-colored garbage bags all over your lawn if you want the same shitty effect.

All right, so, the overriding issue is that these things are supposed to make decorating easier. In theory, ya stake it down, plug the shit in, and it blows up! Done! Great! Finished! But what do we gain for this convenience? It's kinda like in Christmas Vacation. The struggles of dealing with the decorations made them all the more impressive when they finally worked. Sure, no one wants to deal with the Clark Griswold headache of tangled cables and broken bulbs, but the inflatables still have problems. They get holes, they fall over easy, the pump breaks, the stakes get lost, and they're also noisy as hell because of the constant air flow.

I think the entire situation can be summed up by looking at no-mess carvable pumpkins. While at the store, I noticed these things, and in fact I've used them in many of my videos. They're made of a soft vinyl, or some shitty space-age material, that lets you carve a pumpkin, without carving an ACTUAL pumpkin! Gone are the days of pumpkin picking, gutting and carving. Now, ya carve once, and it lasts for a thousand years, or until the plastic degrades.

I guess it's cool that you can keep the same design from year to year, but where's the fun in that? What happened to the Halloween experience? I wish we could turn back to when Halloween actually meant something. Now, it's bullshit. I mean, booshit. It's boooooooooooshit! Anyway - happy Halloween, and merry fuckin' Christmas.

Episode 43: Group Texts[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Group_Texts

You Know What’s BS!? Group Texts

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Group texts.

It all starts with what should probably be some important or exciting news. Someone got engaged, or has an awesome vacation photo or some other happy horseshit.

Now I am sympathetic to the ease of group texting everyone in one fell swoop, but the barrage of responses and the "ding ding ding" all fuckin' day from people I don't even know, quickly soils this joyful announcement, and leaves me wanting to throw my phone out the window.

It can happen to anybody. That random friend texts ya they just had a baby. And next thing ya realize, you're on a group text with like 20 other people ya don't even know! Next thing, "Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!" The maddening "ding ding dings" begin, and, y-you're stuck getting everybody's texts all fuckin' day, and then you're Googling frantically to find what's the easiest way to opt out of it.

They're like The Hunger Games. Your number is thrown in there, against your will and you have no choice but to fight your way out. Brother against brother, mother against child, young against old; may the odds be in your favor! This shit happens on the socials all the time too, but at least there you can say "bye" and leave the conversation, before your family starts talkin' about their hemorrhoids or, whatever.

Also, if you don't have an iPhone, and you're in a group text with iPhone users, you don't stand a chance. You have no allies, because you don't know who any of the new phone numbers are from. And if ya ask everyone, you get a flood of names! Each is another blow to your sanity and will to live.

There is no use fighting it. Just bury your phone in the mud, and live off the grid for a few days until it blows over. It's the only way to survive. Group texts... are bullshit.

Episode 44: Loud Startup Sounds[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Loud_Startup_Sounds

You Know What’s BS!? Loud Startup Sounds

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Startup sounds.

You know what I mean. You turn on your computer, your PlayStation, launch Netflix, or whatever, and ya always get this loud welcome chime that ain't too welcome. I don't need some noise to let me know I just turned my system on. Gee! I would've never guessed. I had no idea that two seconds ago I pushed a button. What's the point? To let me know it's working? I'll find that out soon enough!

(Nintendo Wii starts up with the shrill "Super Mario Galaxy" announcement)

Whenever you start up a device, you'd better hope the volume isn't turned up too loud. Maybe last time you were watching a quiet movie or playing a quiet game, so ya had to turn the volume up loud to hear it, and next time you start it up, BLAM! Jet engine decibels shattering your eardrums. If it's late at night, congratulations, you just woke up the whole house. Now everybody has to know I just turned my computer on. Thanks. It's also real nice when you're in a classroom or a library. Thanks for directing the attention of the entire room on me. Really appreciate it.

I'm not saying it's impossible to avoid. There's many options. I could leave my computer on at all times, which I TRY to do. At least on Mac, I know you can mute the volume before ya shut it off, but I'm not gonna remember that every single time. You can also download software that automatically mutes it whenever you shut down, OR go into the terminal and enter a specific command. But these are all workaround solutions. Why couldn't Apple have a simple option in the preferences to disable the startup sound? That would've been too easy.

If ya like startup sounds, there's nothin' to complain about. But if ya don't like 'em, can't there be a simple user-friendly way to turn 'em off?

In general, many different types of devices and appliances, no matter what they are, make way too many noises. Ever had a dryer with a buzzer? When it finishes dryin' your clothes, you hear, (As a buzz noise sounds) Errrrrrrh! Or a microwave. When the timer's up, it goes (As repeated beeps sound) Beep! Beep! Beep! I already made a whole episode about that. It makes me nervous. It puts me on edge. At any second, something in the house could beep. (groans) Ugh! Something has a battery dying. Beep-beep! All night, everywhere! Beep-beep! Enough of the beeping! Enough of the noise! I'd rather hear the sloppy sounds of turds dumping out a bull's ass! Because that's bullshit.

Episode 45: Bed Sheets[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Bed_Sheets

You Know What’s BS!? Bed Sheets

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Mattress sheets.

They never stay on the corners of the mattress. They pop out, and next thing in the middle of the night you're sleeping half on the sheets and half on the bare mattress. What causes this? All I did... was sleep.

There's not much else I'm able to do while sleeping, except somehow pull the sheet from underneath the edge of a mattress. How does that happen? How much do I move in my sleep, in order to pull out a mattress sheet? And how come there's no better way to fasten them on? Couldn't there be a button? Some kinda latch? Tie them? No, just push them under the mattress. Gee, great. I've tried tucking them under really far, duct taping them, stapling them, I've even watched all the Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg tutorials, but they're always gonna come off.

I REALLY hate it when the sheet barely creeps on the corner, and you know it's about to come off. It taunts you. You're layin' there, sleepy as hell. The last thing ya wanna do is get up off the bed and adjust the sheet. You try to fix it while you're layin' there, but the weight of your body is keeping it from moving in any direction except for off the mattress. So you try to get back to sleep, and stay absolutely still, but that sheet just keeps inching higher up on the corner. Closer... closer... and BLAM, there goes the fuckin' sheet.

And anyway, why does a mattress sheet matter so much? I don't know. I'd guess it's just because, it's a barrier between you and the uncleanable surface. It's the only thing that shields you. It's the very cocoon of protection while you're at your most exposed state of unconsciousness. I mean, you gotta have a mattress sheet, and yet, it's a losing battle.

Mattress sheets have been engineered to fail us in our time of sleepy vulnerability. I'm pretty sure it's a conspiracy orchestrated by aliens. As we turn off our brains and go into Dream Land, we become prey to extra-terrestrial predators. They plant alien spider eggs into our mattresses, only to be contained by mattress sheets. When the sheets come off, the spiders are released. They crawl into our ears to mute our eardrums, so we can't hear the space drones entering our bedrooms to steal bits of our DNA and clone our identities.

And maybe that's why everyone shows you all the wrong ways to put a sheet on a mattress. They're aliens, and it's all an elaborate ruse to frustrate us so immensely, that we eventually cast off the sheets entirely, and thus we are wide open to nightly alien experiments.

Now, I don't know what I'm talkin' about anymore. But the point is, mattress sheets are bullshit.

Episode 46: Micro SD Cards[]

You_Know_What’s_BS!?_Micro_SD_Cards

You Know What’s BS!? Micro SD Cards

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BS?! Micro SD cards.

Lemme tell ya, they aren't kidding. They're really micro. They're WAAAAAY too small; smaller than a dime.

Dangerously small. I bet a ton of these have been swallowed by infants or pets. It's almost like they made them this small on purpose, so ya lose them and have to buy more.

These miniscule memory motherfucks were originally made for cellphone storage, because I guess regular SD cards were too big.

And speakin' of phones, you seen Zoolander? Ben Stiller's character has this really tiny cellphone, which of course is a parody on how technology keeps making things smaller and smaller.

Well, there's a real world tactile limit to how small a phone can get, because a human still has to interact with it. Well, whoever came up with micro SD cards said "Who cares?", and created the most losable piece of technology possible.

Sure - they usually come bundled with these plastic converter shells, but then ya end up with ten of these things layin' around, because they're useless after ya lose all your micro SD cards.

Wayne Szalinski: Look - it's the rest of them!

But they're supposed to just hang out in your phone as storage, right? No biggie. They won't be handled THAT often, right? Nope. We have a bunch of devices that only use micro SDs for storage: game capture devices, VR cameras, GoPros, etc.

And guess what? If you need to buy a large capacity SD card, a lot of stores only carry them in the micro variety. And, let's say ya DO buy one, and don't lose it; the card has awful heat displacement, which means overheating is a huge problem, which gives you recording errors, or forces your camera to turn off.

And if that doesn't piss you off, try reading the tiny text on the card without a magnifying glass. You need to know this information, and it's written on this scrap of itsy-bitsy razor-thin plastic like it's Cold War spy versus spy, microscopic, micro-fiche bullshit!

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit.

Here's a solution: let's go back to analog. I've just created the Macro SD card. Just jam an old VHS tape in your phone. Yeah! Good luck losing that shit. And that's bullshit.

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