Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

Episode 1: DVD Packaging[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - DVD Packaging

You Know What's Bullshit? Security stickers on DVDs.

What's the point? Is this going to prevent somebody from stealing DVDs from's warehouse? And is it really necessary to put them on all three sides? I hate taking these things off. We didn't have this problem with VHS.

Like, really now, why do I have to do this? Whose "brilliant" idea was this? Is there something I'm missing? Like, is this supposed to be fun? Do most people enjoy this? I don't.

And you know what's the worst part about it? This DVD's part of a box set. And every single DVD had those three stickers. Isn't it enough that they're all inside the box?

No, it isn't enough. There's another fuckin' thing that goes over. What a waste. That's bullshit.

Episode 2: Pennies[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Pennies

You Know What's Bullshit? Pennies.

Pennies are worthless. What can you buy with a penny? Nothing. So why do we even have pennies? Get rid of 'em. Nobody likes to carry pennies around. Why's there so many pennies lying on the street that don't even get picked up? Because nobody fuckin' wants 'em! They're like mosquitoes. Go away, ya fuckin' pennies!

Think about it. There's four quarters to a dollar, two nickels to a dime, and there's five fuckin' pennies to a nickel. It's pointless.

Even if you save a bunch of pennies, you're not gonna feel like counting them. I mean, think about it. Think about how much time store clerks waste counting pennies back to people. And how often when the change is just a penny, how often do you hear people say, "Keep the change."? A lot. 'Cause people don't want a penny. Every price should end in a 5 or a 0. Pennies are bullshit.

Episode 3: Shoelaces[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Shoelaces

You Know What's Bullshit? Shoelaces.

What's wrong with them? They're assholes! They always come untied at the most inconvenient moment, like when you're on an escalator or walkin' through a crowded city street. You can double knot 'em, triple knot 'em, quadruple knot 'em, fucktuple knot 'em, whatever. They always find a way to untie themselves. Just to be dicks.

Remember Velcro shoes? Those were awesome because you didn't have to put up with that shit! Wow. I remember the last time I wore a pair of those, I was in fourth grade. Kids on the school bus would make fun of me because they said I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Well, I knew damn well how to tie my shoes, it's just that I didn't fuckin' feel like having to tie them!

Remember Bow Biters? We should bring those back, too. Or better yet, remember the movie Back to the Future II, the self-lacing Nike shoes? Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. If the year 2015 comes, and we still don't have those power laces, all I'm gonna say is: "That's bullshit." (Bullshit!)

Episode 4: Penguin Movies[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Penguin Movies

You Know What's Bullshit? All these movies about penguins.

Why's there so many? Because people love 'em! Aww, look at the penguin, it's so cute! Don't you just love those little fuckers? Aren't they fuckin' funny?

Look, I have nothing against penguins, but it's not like they're the single-most amazing creatures in the world. Those would be pygmy marmosets. They're awesome, and the ultimate proof that God has an outrageous sense of humor in the comedy that's called Nature. Now why can't we see some movies about those? Because everybody wants the fuckin' penguins instead, and that's bullshit.

Episode 5: Post Office Pens[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Post Office Pens

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?! The post office has only one pen. The bank, on the other hand, has so many pens, they give 'em out for free. So if the bank can be so generous, why the hell's the post office so fuckin' cheap, and only able to afford one single pen?! It's even attached to the table by a string. God forbid if somebody steals their only pen. Everybody has to wait in line to use it. There's always somebody writing a fuckin' novel with it, and when it's finally your turn, guess what? It's always outta ink.

Now, this is what you need to do: go to your bank, grab a few of their free pens, and when you go to the post office, leave 'em on the table and say, "Here, you need these, because the Bullshit Man said so." That's bullshit. (BULLSHIT!)

Episode 6: Pay Toilets[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Pay Toilets

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHIT?! Public toilets that you have to pay to use.

That's not fair. If I gotta go, it doesn't matter if I have a quarter, I still gotta go! It's not like it's a matter of choice, like it's admission to a fuckin' show! Then there's times when there's somebody standing in the bathroom, handing ya paper towels. Like, "What the fuck?!" Whoever came up with the idea of takin' money off you takin' a shit is fuckin' bullshit!

Now, let's face it. Unless you stay home, public toilets are mandatory, because, in humanity's growing effort to become civilized, proper facilities need to be present to release feces. But once we have to start paying for our own bodily functions, I say go back to the wild! They wanna make a business, out of us havin' to do our business? MAN, FUCK THAT! That business is between you, and Nature! I say, go out on the grass and take a shit like that cow. But wait. That's not cow shit. That's bullshit.

Episode 7: Temperature[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Temperature

You Know What's Bullshit?! Temperature.

Yeah. Temperature is bullshit. Why do we have to have it?

Think about how often it controls your life. For example, food and beverages. There's stuff you gotta keep cold, and stuff you gotta heat up. Isn't it a pain in the ass to use a microwave to reheat last night's dinner? You punch in some number, and then you wait and then it's like, "Damn! It's still fuckin' cold!" But there could still be a part in the same meal that's so hot, it burns your fuckin' mouth. Especially potatoes. Potatoes are assholes. They're so unpredictable.

Oh, and of course, there's the weather. Don't even get me started. Right now, it’s cold out. Yeah, it's fuckin' cold, but in a few months, it's gonna be too hot. Yeah. And then it's gonna be too cold again, and then too hot, too cold, too hot, for the rest of our lives. You dress for the heat, you dress for the cold, IT CONTROLS YOUR DAMN LIFE! Some animals can't even survive in the heat and some can't survive in the cold. Well, how about just have one neutral temperature that satisfies every creature on Earth?

Man, fuck the winter, fuck the summer, fuck being hot, fuck being cold, I don't like it! If I could talk to Nature, I'd say, "You know, I like what you done. Space, that's fine. Time, that's fine. Temperature, that's bullshit!" ("YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?!")

Episode 8: Printers[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Printers

You Know What's Bullshit?! Printers.

Printers are man's inhumanity to man. I hate printers. They give you nothin' but shit! (balls up page and throws it at the printer) All I wanna do is print out an e-mail, some MapQuest directions, or a Word document. Black text on a sheet of paper! That's all. But no. The color ink cartridge is low on ink. Who cares about the fuckin' color?! I'm just tryin' to print black!

(pushes the power button twice) I shut the fucker off and I turn it back on and it keeps printing this garbage. What is this?! I didn't ask for this! "Follow these steps"? You mean you can't just show it on the screen? (balls up page) What a waste of paper! And besides, what a waste of ink, the thing that's in such jeopardy.

The color ink is low? Bullshit! I see blue, and I see red, not to mention all I'm tryin' to do is print black. So you can't print black text, but you can print all this junk. Stop doing it, I don't want this! (rips paper)

So I buy new ink, and guess what? It doesn't work. (The Bullshit Man tries installing the cartridge, but it doesn't work) The numbers have to match. What's the difference between Black 56 and Black 21? Who the fuck cares?! (throws cartridges) It's the same fucking cartridge, ya picky bastard! Oh, and the paper jams. Cut me a break. (rips out page) That's bullshit! (printer printing)

Episode 9: Christmas Aftermath[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Christmas Aftermath

You Know What's BULLSHIT?! (Christmas music begins playing) That's bullshit. It's nearly the middle of January. Take down your fuckin' Christmas decorations. ("Bah, humbug.")

To me, Christmas happens in December, but it seems to start whenever it wants, and end whenever it wants. I've seen Christmas stuff in the stores, as early as October. At least wait until after Halloween. That's bullshit! ("BULLSHIT!")

And what about Thanksgiving? Nobody gives a flyin' fuck about that. What a glutton of a holiday. It just devours everything around it. And even after Christmas, you can still walk into a shopping mall and hear Christmas music playing. If you're gonna start it early, at least end it early, it's bullshit! ("Bullshit!")

Well, Merry Christmas. ("What's so merry about it?") Or I can be PC and say "Happy Holidays". But nowadays, people complain even more about that. "Uhhh, I don't wanna have to ask everyone what they celebrate." Well, that's why, if you're not sure, you say, "Happy Holidays". "Uhhh, I don't wanna say that! I wanna say Merry Christmas!" Well, you can't please everybody. So we need a new PC term. I got it. How 'bout "Happy Shut the Fuck Up!"? Let's start sayin' that.

Well, I think I'm gonna go celebrate St. Patrick's Day like two months early and just start gettin' wasted now, 'cause Christmas is over, and that's bullshit. ("BULLSHIT!")

Episode 10: Hotel TVs[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Hotel TV's


You know why? There's no RCA inputs. I don't know about you, but I like to bring entertainment with me. A DVD player, a video game console, y'know, wouldn't it be nice to hook that shit up to your TV? But you can't, because there's no input, except for that coaxial shit... on the back. So your only chance is to bring an RCA-to-coaxial adapter, and move that big-ass cabinet away from the wall.

Actually, it would be really nice if the TV had a DVD player. Every television I've ever seen in my life at least has the RCA input on the front. Unless it's like, 20 or 30 years old. So let me ask: where do you find a TV that doesn't have RCA? Go to Best Buy, go to Wal-Mart, go to Circuit City, ​any electronics store, I guarantee, you will NOT find one.

So, is there some secret factory that sells specially made hotel room TVs just to inconvenience their guests? There must be. And you know why they do it? Because they got you by the balls. They offer both movies and video games, but you gotta pay for 'em. That's how they get you.

Nobody wants to just watch the regular television. There's, like, ten channels and they all suck. Half of them are 24-hour advertisements for the hotel resort or a local restaurant, or some bullshit. It's more entertaining to stare at the picture of the lighthouse on your wall.

Got a laptop? Great. Go on the Internet. Ohh, fuck. You gotta pay for that too, right? It's not like you're gonna use it all day. Most of the time, if you're on business or vacation, the only reason you're in your room is because either you're sleeping, or there's nothing to do. It's not like I wanna pay just to have Internet for two hours. So, fuck it, break out the deck of cards, 'cause that's bullshit.

Episode 11: DVDs[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - DVD's


I already talked about the excessive packaging and security stickers, but there's so much more wrong with them! With any TV series or movie sequels sold together, they're guaranteed to fuck it up.

The first issue is the packaging. It seems like a game. "How Many Boxes Can We Fit the DVDs Inside?" Do we really need all this? And second, this is the James Bond series. Why couldn't it start with the first movie, and work its way to the end? Was there any reason to rearrange them in any order they please? A regular consumer might not even be aware of the order.

So here's what I do: throw the boxes in the garbage, and fix the DVDs in the right order. Now that's the way it should be. Besides, don't you like the convenience of grabbing a DVD off the shelf? When are you ever gonna wanna cover them up in boxes?

Another thing that can be confusing about box sets is when not all the movies are owned by the same company. This is the Bruce Lee set. Would you believe there's no Enter the Dragon, but instead Game of Death II? I mean, c'mon, he's not even in that movie, except for stock footage. Even the DVD itself has the balls to claim it stars Bruce Lee. Everybody knows he never completed the first Game of Death. It's false advertising that persists to this very day.

If you're buying a box set with intentions of owning all movies in that franchise, you need to have prior knowledge, or do the research beforehand and know exactly what you're getting. Box sets are bullshit.

Here's another thing I hate: those little snap things. What's the point? The DVD shuts just fine without those. Break 'em the fuck off. That would be like putting them on a CD jewel case or a book. You don't need 'em.

I also hate how many versions of DVDs get released. We have the Rated Edition, Unrated Edition, Special Edition, Ultimate Edition, Collector’s Edition, knock it the hell off!

But what pisses me off the most is when there's a full screen and a widescreen edition. Unless you pay attention, you might be suckered into buying the full screen. There's no reason the full screen should even exist, and if it should, make it the other side, not its own DVD, it's bullshit!

Now you wanna talk about region coding? So what if I buy a perfectly legal DVD in one part of the world and wanna watch it somewhere else? What if I travel a lot? All these rules treat the customer like a fuckin' animal. "Better keep your eye on those animals, put up an electric fence, give the dog a shock collar... they might be bad."

Have you ever looked at all the tiny logos found on a DVD? Most of it's pretty useless information, but where's the run-time? That's what I'd like to know. It's not on the disc, not on the box, not on the individual DVD case, and not in the booklet.

Gee, run-time? Why would I ever wanna know that? How about if I have an appointment, or there's a show coming on, or I'm just planning to go to bed soon? I don't know, is it such a taboo thing for me to know how long the movie is before I watch it?

Most DVDs seem to have them, but they're in such tiny print, they're so hard to find, and they're always in minutes. Just a minor complaint, but look: 153 minutes. Why can't it just say, "2 hours, 33 minutes"? That's like if I say, "I'll see ya in a week." I don't say, "I'll see ya in 168 hours."

The worst I've seen, sometimes, if there's more than one movie, they just add the total run-time of all the movies. 325 minutes. That's beautiful. Maybe that'll come in handy if I'm planning to have a marathon!

But the most inconvenient thing about DVDs is the menus. All I wanna do is pop in the DVD, hit play, and watch the movie. But instead, you get all kinds of shit you don't wanna watch. Trailers, logos, that would be fine if you could skip it, but no, you have to watch this bullshit every time you start the DVD. You find yourself pressing the menu button, just hoping in vain that the menu appears. But it doesn't, and sometimes even worse, if you hit the menu button, it starts the logo all over again! That'll teach ya.

Sometimes they even put ads in the beginning. That's just a step away from having ads on your TV, and I'm not talkin' about regular commercials. I mean, in addition to that, every time you turn on your TV, it plays 10 minutes of ads before it starts.

Or how 'bout even better? Let's put TV screens in elevators. Before the elevator can move, you have to watch some ads. We got 'em there.

And if the DVD is a TV series, just please have a list of the episodes. Here, you go to "Pick an Episode", wait for the animation...

(animation of Optimus Prime showing 6 chapters for every episode)

...and then, what is this? Every episode has their own screen with chapter selections. Who cares about chapters for a 20-minute TV show? So you have to go through all the screens, find the episode, move back up to the first chapter, and hit play.

With DVDs, I don't care about any of this shit. I don't wanna wait for logos and trailers. I don't even wanna see clips of the movie I'm about to watch before the menu appears. Just put in the DVD, take me to the menu, that's it.

With VHS, you had to rewind, sure, but at least there was nothing prohibiting you from fast-forwarding to the movie. And that's another thing I miss. You get that fuzzy line at the top, but isn't it better than that stuttering digital fast forward we're so used to today? You get that awesome telephone dial sound at the beginning of the tape.

(Short succession of beeps)

Okay, that's just weird, but the best part, no matter where you stop, you can always start the movie exactly where you left off.

And DVDs fuck up way more than VHS. With analog tape, it deteriorates gradually. Worst scenario, it may get caught up in your VCR, but DVDs, once they start skipping, they're never the same.

Darth Vader: No, I- am your- fa- t- her.

(DVD freezes up with a gray sign that says DISC ERROR.)

It's like we're going forward in technology, but only making our lives bullshittier. And when the Bullshit Man says "that's bullshit," that's bullshit.

(Grey Screen appears)

Episode 12: Movie Titles[]


You Know What's Bullshit Episode 12 Movie Titles

You Know What's Bullshit?!

A little while ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called The Final Destination. And I was thinking, "Wow! They must be really out of ideas to do a remake of Final Destination already." But no, apparently, it's just another film in the same series. Well, how did they get off calling it by the same title? A movie should not be called the same thing unless it's a remake or otherwise unrelated.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Let me correct myself. THE Final Destination. Years from now, who the hell's gonna know the difference? If you're lookin' for it on DVD, it's gonna be like, "Which one? Final Destination or The Final Destination? Which one's the first? I already forget."

They did the same thing with The Fast and the Furious. The 4th one is just called Fast & Furious. It's almost like they're trying to disguise the fact that it's a sequel like nobody wants to see sequels. The whole fuckin' industry is built off of sequels and remakes and TV show adaptations.

By making a sequel, they're obviously tryin' to capitalize on the success of the earlier movies. So why not tell people this is 4? At least they should have called it The Fast and the 4rious. It would've been stupid, but it would've been no more gimmicky than 2 Fast 2 Furious.

If they're gonna make the title so similar, they might as well just call it the same exact thing, because what's the point? By taking out the word "The", it really helps distinguish it from the first movie? If they wanted to distinguish it from the first movie, they would just call it The Fast and the Furious 4!

And if it's a Stallone movie, it's fucked. Rocky Balboa, Rambo. What next? A sequel to Cliffhanger called Cliff Hanger?

What is the problem with movie titles nowadays? Could they possibly be anymore confusing? Are they out of their fucking minds?! I'm the Bullshit Man and I say, "That's bullshit!"

Episode 13: Too Much Cream Cheese[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Too Much Cream Cheese

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUULLSHIT?! Places that sell bagels with butter or cream cheese, because they put too much fuckin' cream cheese on it.

Mostly, this problem I've encountered happens at Dunkin' Donuts and Wawa. And for those of you from around the world, yes, that's what it's called, Wawa.

But is there any need to put this much cream cheese on a bagel? I have to get a plastic spoon or a napkin to wipe it off. You can't bite into it without getting it all over your face.

Seriously, who wants all that? When the cream cheese fills the hole in the middle of the bagel, I think that's when you should realize, it's too much. So are you gonna eat the cheese in the middle of the hole? Or are you gonna get a spoon and push it out? Like shit bein' squished out of a seagull's asshole.

I mean, who's gonna eat that? You might as well just be eating a plain glob of cream cheese. Now, maybe that's what some people like. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came and complained that there wasn't enough cream cheese. So now, they just cover the fuckin' things.

Now that's fine with me; if somebody else likes it, that's okay. But why not have options for different amounts of cream cheese? There should be markings on the wrapping paper that says "light," "medium," or "extra". But I never saw anything like that, and that's bullshit.

("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)

Wait, I'm not done. (record needle scratches) Let me take one moment to talk about something. Though you've never seen my face, you know me as the Bullshit Man.

I speak from the heart and I tell you everything that's on my mind. But I'm tired of holding back my true identity.

It's kind of embarrassing, but, being a man who addresses bullshit, I think it's appropriate you know what I look like. And if you wonder why I'd keep my face a secret for so long, now you'll know why.

(Bullshit Man reveals what his face is made of.)

Because my face... is ​bullshit.

("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music continues)

Episode 14: Fiber Envelopes & Packing Peanuts[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Fiber Envelopes & Packing Peanuts

You Know What's BULLSHIT?! Packaging.

You rip open a package, and it takes a shit all over your hands. What is this shit? It gets all over the place, and it flies in the air! (coughs) Oh, God! It sticks to my fuckin' clothes, too. Who invented this? Who thought it would be a good idea to have a package that you can't open without having a vacuum cleaner ready? Why is this so common?

In fact, film festivals hate this. Every application I've ever seen says, "Please do not submit films in fiber-filled envelopes." Because nobody wants this garbage! So then why do we use it? Fiber-filled envelopes need to be abolished.

Another thing I hate is packing peanuts. Isn't that fun? You open a box, only to have it explode into a hailstorm of styrofoam. It sticks to everything. I feel like I'm being attacked.

I try to be careful and not let much of it spill outside the box, but it's impossible when you have to dig in there just to get your stuff. All for that? Packing peanuts belong to the fuckin' dark side. There's no good reason to use them. They're not environmentally friendly, and if you have cats or dogs, you gotta hurry and clean it up before they eat it and choke.

As a human race, we really failed when it comes to mailing things. Let's use newspaper and bubble wrap. That doesn't make a mess, and you can use it over and over again. Fiber-filled envelopes and packing peanuts come from the depths of hell. Take it from a man whose face is made of bullshit.

(Bullshit Man opens a box filled with packing peanuts and shows it to the audience)

That's bullshit!

Episode 15: DVD & Blu-ray Cases[]


You Know What's Bullshit? - DVD & Blu-ray Cases

You Know What's BUUUULLSHIT?!

James D. Rolfe: Alright man, I'm gonna tell you why DVDs fail and I'm gonna tell you why DVDs succeed. Alright? We're talkin' Blu-rays too, 'cause Blu-rays are gettin' worse.

James D. Rolfe: I just wanna talk about some of the stupid packaging that comes with DVDs. I mean, first of all, why do they always have to have this thing? You know, we don't need that. And then that's not enough, then you gotta get the-the rest out. Ugh! And it's like, always gets stuck. So OK, that's another fuckin' piece! Alright, get that out of here. (throws packaging) And then, then what is this? It's uh, got like-like, paper things always fallin' out and everything. So, OK, where are... the DVDs? Where are the Blu-rays? Oh, here they are. Look at this. And then it still has this stupid thing you gotta open up? Like oh, like come on! So alright, that's that.

James D. Rolfe: Then we got Back to the Future on Blu-ray. Now check this out! First, you gotta--alright, that doesn't do anything. Oh, I see, it's another one of these. So throw that away! Like what-what, are we gonna be worried that it's gonna scratch up the front cover? I don't care. Um... look at this. Like there's no... like... there's nothing holding the DVD; it's like.... you think it would just slip out, but it doesn't. I tried pulling this way.... nothing happens, I tried pulling up on it, then I feel like I'm gonna, like, break the DVD if I pull too hard. There's these little, like, thingamajigs down here, which you gotta, you know. I... I don't even know how this comes out, and then, oh, crap, look! Look at this! There are instructions. There's fucking instructions... how to take a DVD out!

Mike Matei: (corrects him: Blu-ray.)

James D. Rolfe: A Blu-ray, whatever the fuck it is. So.... look at this. Alright, so anyway, that's that.

James D. Rolfe: Now, this is a good one, pretty much. You just open it up, and there you go. Sometimes these things in the middle, th-they're always different. Some of them you gotta push harder on them than others. I like these kind, they just have, like, the two little pieces here, you push down... DVD pops out, you know.

James D. Rolfe: Umm, this one here... this one's pretty easy. No trouble there, and obviously you don't want it to fall out too easy, 'cause you don't want the DVD to like, you know, get scratched during shipping or anything. Umm... but this is good, you know, it just snaps shut. That's what I say, Gorgeous. This is gorgeous. That's the way you want it.

James D. Rolfe: This one... this one's still pretty easy. But they're all different.

James D. Rolfe: And then, this one here, wha-! It's not opening. Ohhh, look at this! You gotta open up these little... stupid... fucking latches! Like, what's the point? Like... like right now, the DVD doesn't snap shut? Like I need these things to like, hold it? No, I don't! I don't need these! Like, like, look! Like, right now, is it gonna be like, "Oh, oh, shit! The DVD won't stay shut! Whoops! Whoops! Whoops!"? No! You just do that, it snaps shut. You don't need these things. (throws case) Fuckin' assholes.

Episode 16: Traffic Spikes[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Traffic Spikes

You Know What's Bullshit?! Those spike things in parking lots.

Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's when a public parking space doesn't want vehicles passing in one direction, for whatever reason, so the most sensible solution they could come up with is to put these spike things on the road. If you drive over them in the wrong direction, it fucks up your tires! Nice invention. Think you went a little overboard there?!

It's like setting a mouse trap. It treats the common driver like a fuckin' house pest. I can imagine sittin' there in my car with deflated tires. Like "Sorry, I went the wrong way." Does the punishment fit the crime? Couldn't there just be a sign or a one-way barrier of some kind? Is it really a better idea to have cars stuck there with their tires ruined? Havin' to wait for a tow truck to come and haul them away?

What if the tires deflate slow enough so that the vehicle can get out onto the highway and then get into a fuckin' accident? Better to risk people's lives and property than to have someone goin' the wrong way in your parking lot.

There actually exist plenty of websites that sell this shit. This one here flat out says, "They are designed to puncture the tires of offending vehicles." That sounds like a prank. If that's accepted and legal, then why stop there? How about a giant bucket that pours glue onto the car, and then fans that blows feathers all over it? How about springs that flip the car onto its top? How about Ewoks cutting down swinging logs that smash your windows, fatally wounding both the passenger and driver, and then the gremlins come and puncture the gas tank? Manic deranged werebears take their flamethrowers to it, and the whole fucking car explodes?! (BOOM!)

That'll do it. That'll keep people out of your precious parking lot. Fuckin' assholes. That's not just bullshit. That's fuckin' bullshit!

Episode 17: iTunes[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - iTunes

You Know What's Bullshit?! iTunes.

I listen to music just about every day. I'm always using iTunes. I've been helplessly dependent on this software for the past 10 years now. It's truly my digital jukebox, and I can't imagine my life without it anymore.

But I do have to say, it's pretty annoying every time you buy a new computer, you have to authorize it to play all the music that you purchased on the old computer from the iTunes Store. It wouldn't be so bad, except there's a limit to how many computers you can authorize.

That would never happen with CDs. Have you ever had a CD player tell you, "Sorry, but you own too many CD players. You're gonna have to deauthorize one of them, or else you can't play the CD."? So next thing, I'm goin' up in the fuckin' attic to find my old computer, so I can plug it in and deauthorize it.

But now, let's get to the main point about iTunes. It's an evolving beast, always pestering you with updates!

Way too often, I open iTunes to find a message that says, "There's a new version of iTunes. Do you want to download the update?" I say, "Sure, that's sounds good. I'd like to update." Then I find something is different. Something I don't like.

For example, remember when there used to be a button to burn CDs? It was a nice little round flashy button, convenient and easy to get to. For years now, that button's been gone. Now, you have to go to the File menu and Burn Playlist to Disc. There isn't even a short key for it. You have to go to the menu. I understand that not many people are burning CDs nowadays, but what made Apple decide that it was SO obsolete, they had to get rid of the button?

It's changes like this that piss me off. If it's not broken, don't fix it. So I've caught on to you, you stupid updates. I'm not downloading you anymore! I'm stickin' with the old version. But then, the message comes back. Oh yeah. It comes back to haunt you. You have no choice. One of these days, you're gonna download it by accident. Even if you click that little checkbox to stop reminding you, all that means is that say, it's asking you to download version 10.2.7, it'll stop asking you again... for that particular version, but a week later when version 10.2.8 is out, it's gonna start asking you again!

Eventually, when you're suckered into updating, there's gonna be all this new shit. Genius playlists? Nice, now I gotta wait for iTunes to scan all my music, so that I can create playlists based on songs that other users have that are similar to... mine, whatever.

You know what would be genius? To go back to the way it was!

Now there's Ping? What the hell's that? Every time they add something, it seems like it takes longer to boot up. Back in the day, I'd click iTunes, it would open. Now, it bounces a few times, shows me a beach ball, and when it finally starts, it tells me it's searching for Genius results, accessing the iTunes Store, updating playlist information, contacting Mars, raising shields, activating atomic soundwave booster, scanning for nuclear barracudas. How about just let me play my music, and let that be it?

You can flip through the album artwork now, all these unnecessary things, just to look more impressive to the common dummy who sits there and goes, "Wow, that looks cool, I wanna buy that!".

iTunes is turning into a monster. We all keep feeding it, and it's been growing ever since. One day, all the albums are gonna be hologram, flying all over the place. You're gonna be able to listen to 10 songs at the same time.

How did we get so far away from just dropping a needle on a record, and letting it play? Cassettes, CDs. Remember when CDs first came out? It was like "Damn, you don't have to rewind them!" You can skip songs, you could put it on repeat or shuffle, and then one day, somebody looked at their CD and their computer and decided, the two must come together. Like a caveman putting a stick to a fire, the computerized music format was born, and the digital devil's been pulling us deeper in ever since.

I'll tell that devil to fuck off, stop updating iTunes, and say, that's bullshit!

Episode 18: Feeding Birds[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Feeding Birds

You Know What's Bullshit?! Feeding birds.

I have a bird feeder in my backyard, I don't know why it's there. Every now and then, I put bird seed in it, and the next day, it's all gone. (chuckles) Why do I bother? I could've gone weeks without fillin' the damn thing and the birds always manage to come back. So they're obviously not starving to death. Why do I feed 'em? They don't feed me! I could tell you that for damn sure!

Yeah, I'll let you know the day a cardinal flies in and brings me a fuckin' sandwich. Birds do nothing for me. They come, eat the food, and leave shit all over my patio.

These bastards are spoiled, too. I could just throw the bird seed out into the yard, but they get it all in this nice little feeder that hangs up in a tree where they like it.

How about the hummingbird? The hummingbird is like the rich snob who only dines at the finest restaurants.

This asshole won't settle for the plain ordinary bird seed, oh no! Instead, a specially made concoction of sugar and water. And if that's not enough, it has to be inside a very specific container.

Want me to come pull out a chair for you fuckin' birds? Put the napkin in your lap for you? Bring out some of my best wine so you can taste 'em and spit 'em in my fuckin' face?

Only reason I feed the birds is because the cats like watching them. Yeah. They're entertaining, aren't they?

Well, some bird species on this planet have very amusing names. Supposedly, there's a bird called a Red-Footed Booby. Yeah, I don't believe it either. There's also Dickcissel, Turdus, and all these tit names like Brown Tit-Babbler, Penduline Tits, Agile Tit-Tyrant, and Great Tit. (chuckles) Oh, that can't be real, that's bullshit.

Episode 19: Wire Hangers[]


You Know What's Bullshit Episode 19 Wire Hangers

You Know What's Bullshit?! Wire hangers.

I don't need the best hangers to hang my clothing. I don't care about those fancy fluffy ones, or those big ass ones for hanging suits. All I need is something sturdy and reliable.

But when I run out of all my good hangers, I end up having to resort to hanging some of my shirts on these cheap wire hangers. I don't even know why I have so many of these. They're useless. The shirts keep falling off because the wires keep bending. Even when I try to bend them up, they still fall off.

Get on there, you son-of-a-bitch! Unh, FUCK!

(Wire hanger falls off)

UGH! You can't support the weight of that heavy shirt? Oh, and don't ever try hanging pants on them. You'd have better luck with those stupid clip things that only work when they're in the store. The only reason to use wire hangers is for your Captain Hook costume.

Wire hangers are such pieces of shit, even Michael Myers hates 'em.

(clip from Halloween is shown where Michael Myers is swatting away wire hangers)

I kinda like that hanger from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

(clip from movie is shown where Toht restores his hanger.)

Although the scene that sums up wire hangers perfectly, is the scene from​ Mommie Dearest.

Joan Crawford: (angrily) What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you, NO WIRE HANGERS EVER?!

Wire hangers suck! They might work at first, but then a week later, you find your clothes on the floor; that's when it's time to use the drawers, because that's bullshit.

Episode 20: Microwaves[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Microwaves


Why do they beep all the time? Every time I push a button, beep beep! What's the point? Just to let me know I'm hitting the buttons? I can see on the digital screen what I'm pressing, I don't need a loud, obnoxious beep to let me know.

I know this may seem like a minor complaint, but it's really startin' to get on my nerves. My whole life, every microwave I've ever owned goes "Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep!" Microwaves are the noisiest kitchen appliance I own besides a blender, and a blender has every reason to be loud!

I'm not tryin' to wake anybody up. You know what I'm talkin' about. You might be livin' with roommates, it might be your parents, whoever's in the house is gonna hear "Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep!" I just want a little somethin' to eat, I don't want the whole house to know what I'm doin'!

And then, when the timer's done, what does it do? (microwave beeps) Beep beep. Just to let you know the food's done. As if I didn't remember, two minutes ago, I put food in the microwave. Maybe that'll be helpful when I'm 98 years old and I can't even remember if I took a shit that day! They should start selling beeping microwaves as an option. They could call 'em, "Microwaves for old fucks!"

Why does it have to beep? Obviously, I'm just standing there waiting. It's 3 in the morning. I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes, I wait 'til the timer gets to 1 second, and I hit cancel just so I don't have to hear that shit, but you eventually have to reset the timer anyway, which makes it beep some more. Even if you look at it funny, it beeps. I give it the finger, it beeps, as if it's always cursing at me. The asshole.

And don't go anywhere, don't set the timer for two minutes, and think you can go do something else, because if you're not back in two minutes, it'll beep. Ten seconds later, it'll beep again. (beeps) And again... (beeps) and again just to remind you. (rapid beeping) And does it matter, anyway? Does my food become warm at exactly two minutes? I don't know, it's mashed potatoes. I guess, maybe, 2 minutes, 30 seconds? It's just a guessing game. Who knows the exact time, unless you're a fuckin' "microwaveologist"?

If you are, maybe you can explain. What the fuck is a microwave anyway, and should I get a regular size wave? You tell me. It's a fuckin' box that makes stuff hot. How does that happen? Why does it make the food warm, but if I leave a metal fork in there, there's sparks and flames? What kind of sorcery is this thing? Takes 3 minutes to heat up a bowl of soup, but sets the foiler wrap on my meatball sub in flames in a matter of seconds? Somebody invented it, it's called a microwave oven, and it's bullshit!

Episode 21: Assholes[]




No, literally. My asshole. My dick, too. Why? Because they piss the shit out of me! Especially in the morning. Watch this.

(In the bathroom)

Alright, which one of you bastards wants to go first? Well, you're not givin' me much of a choice there. (Lifts up toilet seat.) Must've been some good dreams. Wish I could remember 'em. (The Bullshit Man starts urinating in the toilet, with some of it getting on the floor. The Bullshit Man gets closer to the toilet every time it gets on the floor.)

(Later, he sits on the toilet.)

Come on! Shit, you asshole!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Hey, who's the asshole, pal?

You're the asshole, you asshole.

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: It takes one to know one, fuck face.

Just hurry up and shit, you dumbass, jerkhead motherfucker!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I know you are, but what am I?

An asshole, that's what you are!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I am a hole in your ass.

Come on, I gotta take a shower.

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I ain't stoppin' ya, cock mongrel.

(Bullshit Man shakes his head.)

(Later, in the shower, the Bullshit Man groans and farts.)

Oh no, not now! (Turns off shower to go to take a shit.) Are you shitting me?!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Yeah, I'm shitting you, dickbrain.

Why now? You wait 'til I take a shower to take a shit?

The Bullshit's Man's Asshole: You can ​take the shit, pal. I'm the one leavin' it.

Stop bein' an asshole!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Can't change what I am, goat-fucker.

What ​are you then?

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: A hole in your ass.

Which is?

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: An asshole.

Well, we agree on that.

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I'm much better-lookin' than you, Shitface.

Stop it, I hate when you call me "Shitface"!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: But what's that on your face?

Shit, okay? I have a face full of shit!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: (Chuckles) Shitface.

Fuck you! I used to look normal before all this bullshit happened to me!

The Bullshit Man's Asshole: How sad. I'm the one who has to regurgitate bullshit from your stupid ass.

Oh no. That's not bullshit. (Meaning what his asshole is doing) That's bullshit! (Meaning his face)

Episode 22: Car GPS[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Car GPS


But the thing is, I need it. I'm not good at navigating. Back in the day, when you'd have to print out directions on the Internet, it was a pain in the ass. So then the GPS comes along, and makes life easier. Well, almost.

Sometimes, it takes too long to get a signal. If the GPS doesn't know where I am, how the hell do I? Come on, are there space Gremlins hangin' on the satellites?

So then, I'm drivin' around, and it sends me on the most back-ass roads possible.

How did I get here? I didn't set it to avoid major highways or anything. It'll take you through someone's driveway, wherever it takes to get from Point A to Point B.

If you're on a bridge, it expects you to turn off a road that's underneath the bridge.

Really? You want me to crash through the guardrail and kill myself?

So, I keep going, and it keeps saying "Recalculating."

GPS: Recalculating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recalculating. Shut up.

GPS: Recalculating.

It takes like nine hours, and when it finally works, it tells me to turn on the road, that's like ten feet in front of me.

GPS: Recalculating.

Of course, it's too late. That's like split-second reaction time. So, I pass the road, and what does it do? Recalculates again, to another road without any advance notice.

GPS: Recalculating.

We could do this all day.

GPS: Recalculating.

Fuck you.

GPS: Go kill yourself.

And I hate it when it falls off the window. The worst is those weight things that sit on the dashboard. I just don't like the idea. What if I get into an accident? I don't want this thing flying at me and smashing my fuckin' skull.

(The GPS flies off the windshield and hits the Bullshit Man, with a Wilhelm scream and blood all over the screen)

Oh well, I can't go back to ​not using a GPS, I'm dependent on the damn things. But they're like creepy, artificial life forms that are in control of your destiny, and could kill you if you were dumb enough to do exactly what they said. That thing, on the windshield, is bullshit.

("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)

GPS: (off-screen) Recalculating.

Episode 23: Warranties[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Warranties

You Know What's Bullshit? Warranties.

You go to the store, you buy something, say a shitty pair of speakers for your computer, the cashier asks if you want to buy a warranty with it. That should cover against malfunction or defects or whatnot. You say, "No." What's the point anyway? If you take it out of the box and there's somethin' wrong with it, you could usually return it anyway.

A warranty typically covers anything that may happen to it years from now. But if you drop it or damage it somehow accidentally, it won't cover that. No, only if it miraculously self-destructs on its own. And by the time it dies naturally, the warranty will be expired. One time, I bought a video projector. The sales guy told me that the bulbs are really expensive and they cost hundreds of dollars to replace. So he sold me a warranty. He said that in case the bulb would burn out within three years, this warranty would entitle me to a replacement.

Sounded like a good plan. Well, just less than three years ago, the bulb burns out. So, I take it back to the store with the warranty. None of the same people are working there anymore. They have no idea what I'm talkin' about.

I show them the warranty. The salespeople look at it. The cashiers look at it. The manager comes out and looks at it. Nobody has a fuckin' clue. I tell them it's supposed to cover the bulb. If the bulb burns out, I get a new one. The manager thinks it over, scratches his head, and comes to the conclusion that the warranty only covers manufacture defects, anything but the bulb, and that the warranty may have been different three years ago when I bought it.

Three years ago, I bought a piece of paper. They sold me a piece of paper that would have gone to better use if I wiped my ass with it! My receipt did no good either. It was now just a reminder to the money I wasted. And that's bullshit!

Episode 24: Amplifiers That Don't Go to 11[]


You Know What's Bullshit Episode 24 Amps That Don’t Go To 11

YA KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUULLSHIT?! Amplifiers that don't go to 11.

Come on! Why do most amplifiers still go to 10? What do I do when I need that extra boost? It's been almost 30 years since Marty DiBergi's ground-breaking documentary about the most influential rock band of all time: Spınal Tap. They invented the 11-amp, and you'd think by now, everybody would be using it.

Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?

Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it?

That band is so prolific. They were the first band to do an all-black album cover. Where do you think Metallica got the idea from? Well, AC/DC came first, but that had words on it, it wasn't really all black. Spınal Tap was the band that made Stonehenge famous. Nobody would ever known about Stonehenge had it not been for the song.

Spınal Tap: ♪ Stonehenge, where the demons dwell. ♪

Well, maybe ​some​ people knew about Stonehenge. Anyway, the amplifier that goes to 11 is ingenious. It's the best idea ever. With all other amplifiers, you go up to 10, and that's it. You've hit the roof. There's nowhere to go after that. Nowhere to go. After, "Yeah, I-I don't know where to go now. Everything I just said, that's bullshit."

Episode 25: Grass[]


You Know What's Bullshit!? - Grass


Not just any grass, grass planted in high-level nutrient soil in a pasture, or native rangeland with sufficient sunlight, carbon dioxide and water to produce photosynthetic tissue for the production of carbohydrates.

Fertilizer is applied early in the spring growth season. The C3 species of grass develop when temperatures are between 40 and 75 degrees. And generate leaves that grow into tube-like rolls at their base, and unfurl as they extend. The growth habits are nutritious forage to the livestock. A non-castrated adult male of the cattle species comes by and eats the grass.

The vegetated pillars are passed through the esophagus and ingested into the cattle's stomach, which consists of four compartments.

The rumen breaks down the food with the aid of bacteria. The partly digested food is passed on to the reticulum, where foreign materials are filtered out. The food passes through the omasum and then the abomasum, where it's fully digested with HCL acid, then it goes into the small and large intestines, where it becomes shit.

The fecal matter causes the rectal walls to expand, triggering the contractions of the rectal muscles, and relaxation of the anal sphincter. The crap is forced out of the rectumant of the anal canal, where the muscles create wave-like movements that push the contents of the canal forward.

​Finally, the anus contracts itself over the exiting feces, emptying the grass-turned turds out of the male cattle's asshole onto the ground.

(points to the feces) You know what that is. (looks at the feces) THAT'S BULLSHIT!