Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

Secret Scout (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd "lost episode"

This is an unfinished AVGN episode that was never finished.

Secret Scout is another one of those shitty FUCK stories from Color Dreams. You wanna see what I'm talkin' about? Well let's take a look.

Ohhhh... oh my God! Look at the background. LOOK at the background! THAT... is FUCKING despicable! There's two colors: Puke Green and Diarrhea-ish Brown. LOOK at this! This is the UGLIEST graphics I've seen in a while. And the control; oh yeah! You gotta have bad control too.

It plays like shit. The hit detection is awful; you have to be right next to the guy to hit him. And everybody takes like a million hits before they die. And what's all that shit at the top of the screen? bdx? W-What? I-I don't even know what I'm looking at.

Oh, I just got some scroll or somethin'. Oh wait, what is that? It looks just... you know what? It does. It looks like a fucking turd! That's what it is; it looks like a turd. You wanna know how to use the item? By holding Select and using the D-Pad! Then ya have to press Up, which brings ya to a map screen, and then ya hit the button to leave it. (Chuckles) Heh, that is one shitty way to select a turd.

Oh God, this is slippery. This control is so... fucked! Ugh, Jesus! No... no, get up there! Get up there! Uh-ohhh, FUCK! Get away from me, get away from me! MMMMMM! You fuckin'... piece of dogshit; oh, there's a heart. Oh-- and the heart's beating too, that's hilarious. Oh my God! Fucknut-oh, ugh! (Laughs sadly) Ohhhhh, no.

The asshole factor is high here. They're all assholes and they bully up on ya! Look at this! Look how many guys there cou-- Ohhhh, shit! Have mercy; I'm tryin' to jump on these slippery platforms! How am I supposed to fight this guy when there's a flying nun comin' after me?! Ahh! Look-- they're still comin' after me! Look at how many there are! Back against the wall method. Back against the wall! You're not gonna knock me back! You're not gonna knock me-- (grunts angrily) UMMMMMPPHH! Die you sons of bitches! UMPH! UMPH, UMPH! Oh, I killed it, I--ohhh, and I killed myself too.

You know, I thought this would be a simple platformer; you just run to the right and keep on goin', but no. It's also one of those where-the-fuck-do-I-go kinda games. I'm stuck in a room here! What do I do? Guess I'll try throwin' the dynamite at the door. Ohhhh, look! It got me up onto the platform; I could only reach that with the dynamite! (sarcastically) Wow! That's real easy to figure out. All the enemies in this game look like... rejects from Sunday Funday. Oh--and this right here, is the unholiest of all enemies. It's like a floating vagina or somethin' that traps you. You can't move! It holds you, and just lets everybody else beat you and... fuck you to shreds!

Get away from me, you damn thing. Get away from me! Get away from me; you're not gonna trap me! Oh no. Oh no! Oh no, there's balls flyin' around--balls and vagina, yeah. Jesus, this is just... really classy-- ah no! No! Oh-ho-ho-ho, God! Oh my God, bombs? Really? Come on, you think there's enough things flyin' around the screen? Oh look, Skeleton. I like the animation when he flies back like that. (The Nerd groans twice, sounding like a fleeing skeleton) Uggghhh! Uggghhh! What is he? A naked Skeletor? (Chuckles) Heh, well I guess all skeletons could be a naked Skeletor.

Oh look, that sums up everything perfectly. A green face... puking. (Puking sounds heard by the Nerd) Look at this. I'm walkin' on lasers. I'm walkin' on lasers, damn it! Oh, now here comes a big uhh, uhh, guy in underwear... and a visor like he just came off the golf course or somethin'. Nice shorts, ya fuckwad!

Hmm, I don't know where to go. I guess down that ladder, right? Looks like you could go down there. I think you could go down a ladder! (Secret Scout dies from attempting to go down the ladder) Nope! Dead.

(The Nerd grunts in frustration at the game as Secret Scout dies from trying to attack enemies and jumping on climbing walls)

And ya know what? I'm really not kidding when I say everything in the game... looks like a turd. It really does! It's like you're walking through shit, and that's exactly what you're playing. Secret Scout; it's no secret-- this game is made of shit.


  • This was originally filmed in July 2011. It was supposed to be considered as a lost episode, but Rolfe decided to change his mind and review Kid Kool instead.