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Secret Scout (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd "lost episode"

Secret Scout (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd "lost episode"

This is an unfinished AVGN episode that was never finished.

Secret Scout is another one of those shitty fuck stories from Color Dreams. You want to see what I'm talking about? Well let's take a look.

Ohhhh, oh my God! Look at the background! Look at the background! That is fucking despicable! There's two colors: Puke Green and Diarrhea-ish Brown. Look at this! This is the ugliest graphics I've seen in a while! And the control, Oh yeah! You got to have bad control too.

It plays like shit, the hit detection is awful you have to be right next to the guy to hit 'em. And everybody takes like a million hits before they die. And what's all that shit at the top of the screen? bdx? What? I don't even know what I'm looking at!

Oh, I just got some scroll or something. Oh wait, what is that? It looks just-- you know what it does it looks like a fucking turd! That's what it is! It looks like a turd! You want to know how? To use the item, by holding select and using the D-Pad then you have to press Up which brings you to a map screen and then you hit the button to leave it. Heh, that is one shitty way to select a turd.

Oh god. This is slippery. This control is so fucked! ah Jesus! no no, Get up there! Get up there! Oh fuck! Get away from me! Get away from me! MMMMMM! Fucking piece of dogshit-- Oh there's a heart oh and the heart's beating too, that's hilarious. Oh my god, Fucknaut-Oh, Oh! Oh no.

The asshole factor is high here. They're all assholes and they bully up on you! Look at this, look how many guys are-- Oh shit! Have mercy! I'm trying to jump on these slippery platforms! How am I supposed to fight this guy when there's a Flying Nun coming after me! Ah! But they're still coming after me! Look at how many there are? Back against the wall method! Back against the wall! You're not gonna knock me back! You're not gonna knock me-- UMMMMMPPHH!!! Die you sons-of-bitches! UMPH! UMPH! I killed it, I-- Ohhhh!! They killed myself too.

You know, I thought this would be a simple platformer you just run to the right and keep on going, But no. It's also one of those where-the-fuck-do-I-go kind of games. I'm stuck in a room here. What do I do? Guess I'll try thrown the dynamite at the door. Oh look! It got me up onto the platform I could only reach that with the dynamite. Wow! That's really easy to figure out. All the enemies in this game look like rejects from Sunday Funday. But when this right here is the unholiest of all enemies. It's like a floating vagina or something that traps you. You can't move. It holds you and just lets everybody else beat you and fuck you to shreds.

Get away from you damn thing! Get away from me! Get away from me! You're not gonna trap me! Oh no, oh no, oh no there's balls flying around balls in vagina yeah, Jesus, this is just really classy-- Oh no! No! Oh god! Oh my god! Bombs really? Come on you think there's enough things flying around the screen? Oh look, Skeleton. I like the animation when it flies back like that! (The Nerd sounds like a fleeing skeleton) What is he? A naked Skeletor? Heh, well guess all skeletons could be a naked Skeletor.

Oh look that sums up everything perfectly. A green face puking! (Puking sounds heard by the Nerd) Look at this! I'm walking on lasers. I'm walking on lasers, damnnit! Oh, now here comes a big uhh, uhh guy in underwear and a visor like you just came off the golf course or something. Nice shorts, you fuckwad!

Hmm, I don't know where to go? I guess down that ladder right? Looks like you could go down there! I think you could go down a ladder! Nope. Dead!

(The Nerd sounds as frustration continued with the game tries to attack too many enemies and jumps on climbing walls)

And you know what? I'm really not kidding when I say everything in the game looks like a turd. It really does it's like you're walking through shit and that's exactly what you're playing Secret Scout! It's no secret this game is made of shit!

Notes

  • This was originally filmed in July 2011. It was supposed to be considered as a lost episode, but Rolfe decided to change his mind and tries to review Kid Kool.
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