(The Cinemassacre logo & title screen appear sequentially, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!!" Theme. Then, we see the Nerd on his couch in the basement.)
The Nerd: (sighs) (whispers) Jesus Christ. (normally) All right. This is a special review for the Nostalgia Critic.
(Cut to a scene of the Nostalgia Critic from earlier in their feud.)
Nostalgia Critic: I challenge you, Angry Video Game Nerd, to review the worst nostalgic movie that you can find!
(Cut to another scene where the Nerd & Critic meet face-to-face in a video store.)
Nostalgia Critic: Have you accepted my challenge to review a horrible nostalgic movie?!
The Nerd: Y'know, he's a pain in my ass! It's like, don't you think I have enough videos to make, that I have nothing better to do?! Like... play with dog turds, or something?
The Nerd: Well, anyway, we got a deal here going on, where he does a shitty game, I do a shitty "nostalgic" movie. Now, I hope it's nostalgic enough for you, and I hope it's shitty enough for you! (shows the VHS cover) Ricky 1! Yeah, Ricky 1. Never heard of it? Well, you've heard of it now. It's the only feature-length spoof of Rocky that I've ever heard of. I mean, sure that there was a brief parody in Hot Shots!, and maybe, like, some comedy sketches on TV, but never a whole movie.
The Nerd: It's so rare that, to tell you the truth, the only reason I know about it was because sometime, when I was a little kid, sometime in the late 80s...
(takes a look at the back of the VHS cover to see the year)
The Nerd:...'89, I saw the video in the video store, (holds the movie behind him on top of the couch) just sittin' on the shelf, like that. Yeah, just sittin' on the shelf. Y'know, just like that. Just on the video store. So, anyway, I... didn't rent it. No. I didn't watch it. I... never saw it, never heard of it, nobody ever talked about it, 'till many, many years later, I got curious. And, y'know what? I searched high and I searched low. And, finally, this one copy popped up on eBay.
The Nerd: And, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't really be surprised that this was actually the same copy I that I saw sittin' in the video store because I can't even believe that more than one copy of this fuckin' piece of DOG SHIT could even exist.
The Nerd: So, anyway, I didn't expect anything that good, to tell you the truth. I just expected, maybe, like a cheap knock-off of Naked Gun, or Airplane!, or one of the National Lampoon movies. (takes the tape out of the case) So, yeah, I didn't expect it to be that good...(puts the tape in his VCR)...but, what I saw... Oh, God!
(The movie starts.)
The Nerd: Ricky 1, here we go. So, this is our star. There's not really much to say. He dresses like Rocky, and his catchphrase is "Don't be negative."
Ricky Wanero (Michael Michaud): (in various scenes) Hey, c'mon. Don't be negative. Don't be negative. Oh, hey, c'mon. Don't be negative. Don't be negative! Hey, c'mon. Don't be negative.
The Nerd: I don't get it, when does Rocky ever say that? Maybe, it's a take off of "Absolutely." Yeah, Rocky always says "Absolutely", which means positive, which is the opposite of negative, so he says not to be negative, because he's positive-! Whatever.
The Nerd: He's also a male stripper, which has nothing to do with anything! And why does he have a horse head? Is it supposed to be a take off of the "Italian Stallion"? (chuckles) That's just bad. Ugggh!
The Nerd: He's also a gigolo and sometimes, dresses like a rabbit. Seriously. So, Ricky is our Rocky, and Angela is our Adrian. Here's a little scene where she types him a letter.
Angela (Maggie Hughes): (while typing) I lo...
Ricky Wanero: (reading the letter) I lub you.
Angela: Ohh. I lo...
Ricky Wanero: I lob you.
The Nerd: I lob you? What the Hell?
Ricky Wanero: I love you.
The Nerd: There's a also some guy who keeps randomly calling about some pornographic business.
Man: (over the telephone) For only $100, you can buy a share in my rapidly expanding pornographic phone call business!
Ricky Wanero: Shove it, you scummy asshole.
The Nerd: What does any of this have to do with Rocky?!
Ricky Wanero: Asshole!
The Nerd: In the place of Apollo Creed is this guy, which they keep calling The Champ, that's all. Toward the end of the movie, they finally give him a name: the Silver Shadow. But, most of the movie, he's just The Champ.
Ricky Wanero: Me, fight The Champ?
Man: That's what I said!
Ricky Wanero: Hey, c'mon, The Champ's the greatest!
Man: Well, beat him, and you're gonna be the greatest!
Ricky Wanero: I can't beat The Champ.
Ricky Wanero: He's The Champ!
The Nerd: (mimicking Ricky Wanero) Can't beat The Champ, 'cause he's The Champ. (normal voice) Then, there's this home security scene where some guy shows off an exploding doormat.
Army Sergeant: I'll show 'ya! You mealy-mouthed cowards!
(He hops on the doormat, and it explodes. We cut back to the Nerd who looks in shock and disbelief, then takes off his glasses.)
The Nerd: What?! (puts his glasses back on) Oh, my God! An exploding doormat to keep burglars out! I always thought burglars come in through the window. And what if it was a mailman or a neighbor or something?!
(Cut back to the movie, where a scene parodying The Godfather is shown.)
The Nerd: Okay, I'm still going on. There's more. Here's a scene which parodies The Godfather.
Vito Corleone Spoof: (making wheezing noises over the phone)
(Subtitles: "The manner in which eliminated this bomber was in bad taste! I want you should now reconcile our relationship with The Champ!...")
The Nerd: (trying not to laugh) Okay, is The Godfather really that hard to understand? Y'know, that's actually probably one of the few moments where it comes close to being funny. But it's just stupid.
The Nerd: Then, there's somebody laying dynamite around. I seriously don't know what's going on. You might think it would make more sense if you saw the whole movie, not just random scenes out of context, but, no! I assure you, I sat through this thing, and it just blows my fucking mind.
The Nerd: By the way, Hitler makes a cameo. Why? I have no idea. There's also a character called Dr. Forskin and (at the same time as Angela) Officer Boehner. (normally) Pretty funny, huh? There's a guy in the background giving a blowjob to a blow-up doll. X-ray, Y-ray?
The Nerd: Oh, come on! Well, anyway, I gotta wrap this up.
The Nerd: Toward the end of the movie, Ricky starts training to fight The Champ. And this is when it finally starts resembling Rocky. But, by this point, I don't even care anymore. I gave up a long time ago.
The Nerd: There's this guy who becomes his manager & trainer, obviously supposed to be Mickey, but he doesn't make any effort whatsoever to imitate this character. It's like they just put the hat on him, and that's it. Where's his grouchy voice and wise-ass remarks?
(Cut to a brief clip from "Rocky" (1976) of Rocky Balboa training.)
Mickey Goldmill (Burgess Meredith): You're gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!
The Nerd: The character offers us nothing. "Hit that bag." You get it? Old woman, "bag"? So, the training goes on, they tie him up, throw punches to his face, he jogs backwards with his pants around his legs, there's the famous "weight-lifting fall through the floor" gag, and some bad erection jokes.
Mickey Goldmill Spoof: What's the matter? Huh? Can't get it up?
The Nerd: There actually is a music cue hinting at the famous Rocky score. But, when it happens, it's like, "Wow!" So, onto the boxing match, just a bunch of cheap gags.
Announcer: Wanero is bobbing, (for apples) and the Champ is weaving. (a basket)
The Nerd: Oh, bobbing and weaving. (holds his head in his hands & groans)
The Nerd: Then, there's a bunch of farting noises!
(Ricky & the Silver Shadow are continuing to box while farting noises play in the background.)
The Nerd: Then, there's this guy taking with his hand, wearing a gas mask! I don't get it!
Announcer: Another right cross! Another hook!
(Ricky Wanero get hit in the face with a shepherd's crook.)
Announcer: Another cross!
(Ricky then get hit by a crucifix and the Star of David. The Nerd starts laughing insanely and grabs his neck.)
The Nerd: Ohh, God.
(Ricky Wanero gets hit in the face with the side of a hammer.)
Announcer: Another left hook, and another right cross! Those last two blows were like hammers!
(Then, white paint splatters on the side of his face.)
Announcer: I'll say this for Wanero. He's all heart!
(Suddenly, Ricky Wanero is in a costume resembling a giant Valentine heart with a doily around it.)
The Nerd: Oh, my God! Ricky 1! Ugh, thank God there's no Ricky 2! All I can say to you, Nostalgia Critic, is fuck this movie, and fuck you for making me watch it!