Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
Advertisement
Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki

Atari 2600: I'm Atari. And while I'm gettin' my ass handed to me by all these newer game systems, my legacy will live on.

(NES enters)

NES: Hi, I'm Nintendo! And I kick ass!

(Atari 2600 disappears and Sega Master System enters)

SMS: Move over, Nintendo! I'm the Sega Master System, and you're goin' down!

NES: Um, no. I got Mario. I got Zelda. You just suck balls!

SMS: Oh... well, wait 'til my big brother comes to rip your asshole inside out.

(Sega Genesis enters and Sega Master System exits)

Genesis: Look at me, I'm the Sega Genesis! What are you, still stuck on those 8-bit graphics? I'm 16-bit! You can't do this on Nintendo. Genesis does what Nintendon't.

NES: So, are you sayin' that bein' 16-bit automatically makes ya twice as good?

Genesis: Well, yeah.

NES: Who has the better games? I do, ya dumb bitch!

Genesis: Well, let me introduce Sonic the Hedgehog! He runs really fast and he's a lot more badass than that dickhead Mario.

NES: Gee... well, that is pretty cool but, why don't you meet my big brother?

(NES disappears, and SNES enters)

SNES: I'm the Super Nintendo! I'm 16-bit too, so go fuck your facehole through your ass, ya dick!

Genesis: Oh... well... I have... blast... processing.

SNES: Okay. And what is that?

Genesis: It's... i-it's blast processing.

SNES: Oh, okay. Whatever.

(Sega CD is planted on the side of the Genesis)

SNES: What is that?

Genesis: This is the Sega CD, motherfucker!

SNES: And it uses CDs?

Genesis: Damn straight! What - are ya still usin' cartridges? Get with the times!

SNES: Oh gee. I guess ya got me there. How are the games?

Genesis: Well...

SNES: They suck, right?

(Atari Jaguar enters)

Jaguar: RAAAAH! You thought ya heard the last from Atari, ya puny fools! I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!

SNES: (to Jaguar) You ain't 64-bit. Get the fuck outta here.

(Atari Jaguar exits)

SNES: (to Genesis) Now back to you, Sega shithead. What - do ya think that CD thing on your side is gonna be your saving grace?

Genesis: Um... no. This is!

(Sega 32X is planted on the cartridge slot)

SNES: What the fuck is that?!

Genesis: 32X, motherfucker!

SNES: Awesome! Got any good games?

Genesis: Um... Doom!

SNES: Well... why's the sound suck, and why's half the levels missing?

Genesis: What are you saying?

SNES: I'm sayin', "Why's my version of Doom better than yours?"

Genesis: Um... I'm 32-bit!

SNES: 32-bit my ass! What's wrong with you? You say CDs are the next big thing, but then you go back to cartridges? You say you're more powerful than me, but then, why do you need all these extra add-ons? What are you gonna do next? Add somethin' else on top?

Genesis: Um... yeah!

(Sega 32X is planted on top of the Sega 32x cartridge slot, which is planted on the Sega Genesis cartridge slot)

SNES: Okay. Go ahead! Keep stackin' shit on top! You've already needed like three fuckin' power adapters to run that colossal mess you've created! Look at you! You're a fuckin' disaster! Why don't ya just make a completely new system?

Genesis: Fine! I will! Sega Neptune!

SNES: Really? Well, aren't you comin' out with the Sega Saturn?

Genesis: Yeah! We're hurrying it along!

SNES: And what about the Neptune?

Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.

SNES: Too many systems, huh?

Genesis: Um... fuck you.

SNES: Fuck you! Try makin' some games next time.

Genesis: Well, where's your next system?

SNES: It's comin'. It's been in the works for a while. See, we take our time with these things.

(Genesis disappears and enters a special effect Sega Saturn because James Rolfe didn't own a Saturn yet. There's also a note saying: "I Don't own a Saturn")

Saturn: Saturn is here, and you're goin' down.

SNES: Well, my time has passed, but... now get ready to get your ass kicked!

(SNES exits, and N64 enters)

N64: I'm the N64. Get N, or Get Out!

(scene shows AVGN; played by James Rolfe of course)

The Nerd: So, whatever. I could keep goin' on and on, but, you get the point. I just wanted to reenact the video game wars that took place with Sega and Nintendo being the prime competitors. Now... (shows the Dreamcast to the audience) Sega eventually got it right with the Dreamcast. It was a pretty good system, but, (puts the Dreamcast down) when Microsoft and Sony entered the competition, things got a little heavy and uh, well, somebody had to go, and... now Sega's making games on Nintendo, which is crazy to think back then, Mario and Sonic were the biggest enemies. Nobody would ever imagine that there'd be a Sonic game on a Nintendo system. So, who won that battle, huh? All that talk about blast processing and "Genesis Does"... just bunch of bullshit. So, this was what was goin' on when I was growin' up. Now there's a lot of younger gamers out there who are growin' up now, as we enter a new video game war. Um, you know, to think, it's pretty interesting. So, who's gonna win? Is it gonna be, Nintendo again, or is it gonna be, um, Microsoft, or is it gonna be Sony? Well I like the Xbox, and I like the PlayStation. I like 'em all, but... I'm just sayin' that, I'm rootin' for (grabs his bottle of Rolling Rock from nowhere) my champion Nintendo. So, raise your Rollin' Rock or, whatever ya got, and here's... to the Wii. (drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock)

Advertisement