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Weapons and Warriors - Board James (Episode 4)

Board James: It's Weapons and Warriors! The realistic battle game in the medieval ages! True battle action! Roll the battle dice, shoot the battle balls. The castle combat set includes over 75 pieces. Yeah? (He opens up the Weapons and Warriors box) Holy shit! If you want to play Weapons and Warriors, don't make any other plans, because you're gonna be waging an epic war in your own living room.

Board James: This game is just too much fun, but there are some setbacks. To begin with, It takes a long time to set up.

(James sets up the game, with Motherfucker Mike lying on the floor, being lazy, not helping in the slightest.)

(James then opens and reads the instruction manual, shocked by the huge amounts of setup he has to do)

Motherfucker Mike: Hurry the fuck up, cuz I wanna play.

Board James: There's an army on one side, a castle on the other and in between them a dirt path and a forest. A lot of the pieces require rubber bands. These are for certain blast zones when they get hit in the right spot they spring loose, because rubber bands get old and fall apart, you're gonna have to replace them. It's the kind of game which needs maintenance you can't just dust it off and play.

(James is currently replacing the rubber band, and having some difficulty)

Motherfucker Mike: Look at all this, it has to be done yet! Castles and Rubber bands and shit, hurry up!

Board James: All the abuse it takes it's no wonder that pieces get broken if you use glue you'll have to wait for it to dry besides it'll all get fucked up again anyway.

(James tries to tape the part of the piece, but it doesn't hold. He shakes his head in annoyance)

Motherfucker Mike: (Impatiently) C'mon!

(James sets up everything and puts the finishing touches of the game, with a close-up of the Bob Ross "HAPPY" shirt.)

Board James: Once you got it all set up, it's time to take sides.

Motherfucker Mike: I'm going to be the castle?

Board James: What?

Motherfucker Mike: I'm going to be the castle.

Board James: Aww, fuck.

Board James: Nobody wants to be the puny army, the castle has the advantage because you have all these barricades. But the army? Is out in the open. The goal of the game is simple, just knock down all the enemy soldiers.

(Mike shoots a shot from the cannon, but misses)

Motherfucker Mike: I'm gonna get you this time.

(Mike loads the catapult and launches, but it went nowhere.)

Motherfucker Mike: Fuck!

(Mike loads the catapult again, and manages to knock down a few of James' soldiers)

Motherfucker Mike: YEAHHHH! (Laughs obnoxiously)

(James fires his crossbow, and manages to take out 3 of Mike's soldiers along the dirt path with one shot. He then launches the catapult and takes out 2 more of Mike's soldiers in the forest. The Wilhelm Scream is heard. Mike retaliates by taking out one of James' soldiers. )

Board James: When you roll the dice, you can move your soldiers, fire your weapons, or do a combination. The further you advance your troops, the further you can move up your weapons. Both players have their own catapult. The infantry has a crossbow, while the castle has a cannon. Which it isn't fair because that's the most accurate weapon.

(Mike shoots the cannon, and hits James in the face, Mike then laughs in response.)

Board James: There's an optional rule. If you knock down the general, that player can only roll with one die for the rest of the game. (The red ball knocks the general out) But don't tell that the Motherfucker Mike.

Motherfucker Mike: Yes, he's down! He's down for the count! You're fucking dead!

Board James: The general in the castle is hidden all the way in the back. In order to get a clear shot, you gotta hit the shield which opens the drawbridge, then knock the gate up, and then hope you're lucky enough to fire all the way through.

(James shoots at the castle wall and knocks out 1 soldier and destroying it partially. Both James and Mike shoot more weapons at each other, while James' cat, Boo watches.)

Board James: If you have a cat, keep it away or shut the door. (One of James' soldiers falls) Because that cat will play by its own rules and turn the game all around. (The cat jumps up and nudges the Army flag with his mouth, and also then gets in Mike's way) Hours of entertainment for the cat, a million frustrations for you!

Motherfucker Mike: (to Boo) Get outta here, I'm trying to play the game!

Board James: The worst problem you encounter when playing this game is that the balls always ricochet off the walls! (He throws the ball against the wall, which ricochets off it) I guess you can say that this game, is really balls to the wall!

(Mike shoots his cannon, and ball rolls underneath a liquor cabinet)

Motherfucker Mike: C'mon! James, go fetch my balls!

(James looks at Mike, confused)

Motherfucker Mike: Go get it!

(James reluctantly attempts to get the ball underneath the liquor cabinet, albeit with some difficulty)

(Mike then cheats, uses the opportunity to put his soldiers on the dirt path and forest, and puts his weapons closer)

Board James: Here's your fucking ball! (realizes what he did) HEY!

(Mike shoots his cannon, then a crashing sound effect is heard, most likely he broke something.)

Motherfucker Mike: (amusingly) Oh shit.

(James attempts to fire a shot, but Mike blocks the shot with his hand, James recoils in frustration)

Board James: You can play this game one time, and always find balls under your furniture for years to come. Always serving as a memory of an ancient epic battle! Weapons and Warriors is a game that you don't forget!

(The battle goes on, James fires a shot at one of the towers, knocking a soldier off, and a scream is heard. The battle was fierce, as James and Mike fires their weapons relentlessly at each other. At one point, James launches his catapult and knocks a soldier off of a tower, and a Wilhelm Scream is heard. Then, Mike launches his catapult and sends a ball flying behind James. James turns around to retrieve the ball, causing him to get distracted. Mike then uses the opportunity to grab his cannon and shoots at one of James' soldiers at close range, James has a "WTF" expression on his face, while Mike laughs obnoxiously.)

(Later, it shows James only having 3 soldiers left)

Motherfucker Mike: You only got three guys left! Ooo!

(He fires his cannon, taking out one of James' soldiers. James has a hopeless expression on his face, knowing it's an obviously inevitable loss)

Motherfucker Mike: Only two guys left! Mmm!

(He fires again, taking out another soldier, leaving one soldier left)

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah! You're down to your last man, motherfucker! Here, roll the dice!

(Mike smugly throws the dice at James to roll them)

(James glares at Mike, and heavy metal music starts playing. He begrudgingly grabs the dice and rolls them, and getting a 6. Which Mike looks unsure what will happen. James then rolls his catapult closer to the castle, loads the ball on it, launches it. The ball hits a castle wall and knocks down a soldier. He then loads his crossbow, and fires it on the right castle wall, which hits, and knocks down three soldiers. This excites James as he loads his crossbow and fire it again, which hits the shield and opens the drawbridge, knocking a few soldiers down in the process. Another shot was fired on the tower where the general is, the tower explodes as a few pieces flies off. James, now has a clear shot on the general, and Mike can only nervous look at the general's tower. James lets the shot fly, finally knocking the general down and winning the game in a clutch victory)

(Crickets can be heard when a whole shot of the castle is shown, now in ruins thanks to James)

Motherfucker Mike: FUCK!! (He gets frustrated)

Board James: YEAH! You motherfucker!!