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TMNT Games - Board James (Episode 10)

Board James: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turties! We got some turtle board games here and uh, we got this Tic-Tac-Toe game which is kind of weird.

TMNT Pizza Toss Tic-Tac-Toe Game[]

Board James: This-like kid and Michelangelo's got his hand on a shoulder.

Motherfucker Mike: He's just a more like realistic and he's like a cartoon. These look like sperms on top of the pizza! It's interesting that turtles isn't read because usually that would be in green.

Board James: That is weird.

Motherfucker Mike: Durable, high-tech construction.

Board James: How high-tech is this?

Motherfucker Mike: Is it this like plastic toy from the 80s is high-tech? Sure.

Board James: Let's-let's see if it's high-tech. Maybe it's made out like some kind of titanium or something. Get the box!

Motherfucker Mike: Maybe we're---

(Mike handles the TMNT Tic-Tac-Toe box out of the game, then pops up all the parts of the game)

Board James: Dorable my ass! Look at this, Look, you could bend this shit! Wow.

Motherfucker Mike: (Mike laughs) Oh my god, I could break that so easily.

Board James: High-tech.

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah, real durable.

Board James: Alright, we're gonna throw these pizzas. and uh, what kind of pizzas are these? They look like they've been chewed up and barfed out.

Motherfucker Mike: They look kind like nut sacks to me.

(James and Mike throw out the pizza beanbags into the Pizza Toss Tic-Tac-Toe game one at a time. James throws the last pizza beanbag in the middle-centered and win in a 3 diagonal-X shape)

Board James: Yeah!

Motherfucker Mike: This game sucks, let's go play another one.

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (Europe)[]

Board James: All right our next game is Teenage Mutant.... Hero Turtles?

Motherfucker Mike: Hero Turtles? That was the European name.

Board James: Yeah!

Motherfucker Mike: I want to be Raphael.

Board James: Alright so I'll be Michelangelo.

Motherfucker Mike: Oh wait, what the fuck is this? Raphael has a sword?

Board James: Oh my god, they screwed that up! So you put your turtle on the turtle van to start out. We each get a a slice of a pizza.

Motherfucker Mike: Mmmmm!

Board James: You know what's weird is that you think that these pizzas would actually fit where the spinner is because they made them the same exact size, but really no. The pizzas have nothing to do with the spinner. Basically, according to the instructions it says place the April O'Neil manhole cover on the space at the end of the alley, the one with the dustbins. You go around at a clockwise motion I don't think you ever go backward, you always go clockwise. And if you land on a sewer cover you get to look at that, but only you. So it's kind of like a memory game at the very end when you get to April O'Neil then you're supposed to guess where the four turtles are. And if you find them all, then you win.

Motherfucker Mike: You know, I wasn't if Michelangelo lands on top of that manhole cover then he lifts a manhole cover and it's himself.

Board James: He finds himself in the manhole.

Motherfucker Mike: That's deep man.

Board James: One-two-three-four-five. All right, so then I get to secretly look under this manhole cover-- No you're not supposed to look.

Motherfucker Mike: I wasn't looking!

(Montage of James and Mike playing the Hero Turtles game, set in an 8-bit game music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES.)

Motherfucker Mike: Okay, spin.

Board James: Wherever the spinner goes, you look at this quadrant of the slice or whatever.

Motherfucker Mike: Oh, quadrant of the slice.

Board James: Yeah I don't know.

Motherfucker Mike: Let's see what happens and I got red background. Now red background. Then the player who has the matching player piece may look under any mantle ever immediately. Oh I like that. (Mike pushes James then peeks at the character manhole covers) Alright mates, It's April and let me guess where the turtles are: Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael! Oh yeah!

Board James: It's really just the stupidest idea of a turtles game I think I've ever been heard.

Motherfucker Mike: It's terrible. I think somebody had to come up with a turtles game in one day and some guy sat down he's like okay well, the turtles sewers flip the manhole cover. Let's have a thing you can spin, uhh, and throw some pizzas in there.

Board James: You know, I hate to say I think I like the Tic-Tac-Toe game better.

Motherfucker Mike: It is better. and that one's suck too.

TMNT Pizza Power Game[]

Board James: This game is the one that most people remember.

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah.

Board James: The Pizza Power Game!

Motherfucker Mike: This is the one I remember. If you notice anything wrong about Splinter...

Board James: I guess just that he's gray.

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah. Why isn't Splinter Brown? Why is Raphael on the billboard up top? Don't the turtles usually hide in the sewers?

Board James: And look at-- look at this! Like these-- We've got these little comics. Is there anything you Turtles won't eat for Breakfast? Sure! Lunch and Dinner! and then he's given the finger!

Motherfucker Mike: Uup, That's his middle finger!

Board James: And look at that, he's just like winking like he knows he's given the finger! You go around you fight different bad guys you're supposed to win three fights and you're supposed to have four good guy cards at the end.

Motherfucker Mike: Okay.

Board James: So then at the very end you have to go to the Technodrome and actually fight Krang, I guess.

Motherfucker Mike: Okay. Uhh, Rocksteady says Punk!

Board James: It's true that Bebop and Rocksteady were punks before they got mutated into a Rhino Warhog. But why would they just have to calm punks? So we just put all the bad guy cards...

Motherfucker Mike: And their respective colors...

Board James: If you land on a fight space close to one of these quadrants where they have a bad guy then you get to fight the uhhh...

Motherfucker Mike: Everything's a fucking quadrant!

Board James: That's what it says in these instructions! (Mike laughs) You can only fight is if-- If you have a number that's equal or greater. Now keep in mind I am Michelangelo right?

Motherfucker Mike: I know that much.

Board James: Yeah.

Motherfucker Mike: That's the only thing I know so far.

Board James: But I'm drawing a card four different turtles I mean, I can understand splinter fighting, you know. But April O'Neil fighting Krang?

Motherfucker Mike: Uhh, It should be fucked.

Board James: Yeah. Put the dice right in there and you have two chances to land the dice into the number that-- that card is. So...

Motherfucker Mike: What happens when the dice lands outside?

Board James: Then you lose. Do you think kids would really enjoy this flipper thing? I mean kids would just be like ehhhh, ehhhh! Once you win those three fights and get the four cards that you need, the four good guy cards, then you're supposed to take the spinner off the board. Like now you're going to go to the Technodrome. But that's not all! You have to enter the Technodrome through one of these manholes on the side and to do that to move them you have to land on a move sewer cover. Once you get to the Technodrome the way to be Krang you have to flip this thing four times. You get four chances to land in all three spaces.

Motherfucker Mike: You go through the whole game and that's the end? Fuck that. The game is called Pizza Power right?

Board James: Yeah.

Motherfucker Mike: So what happens if you land on a piece of pizza?

Board James: If you land on the pizza, you spin the pizza spinner.

Motherfucker Mike: Shouldn't there be a hole here to put the thing through, or something? But this thing's like flopping all over the place! You know what I like about this by the way is the fact that if you spin this and you let any land here it just says "Go Anywhere". So I can just go anywhere I want? Okay, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go right to fucking the Technodrome then!

Board James: To be honest the way this game is laid out, It's like a complete free-for-all. You could pretty much just go anywhere, any time because you know how in the other game where you had to go around clockwise? This one you can go any way you want. Like say, you know I roll the dice I can go this way or I can go that way I can go any direction. So pretty much you always have the same chance of landing on any space you want. Like say, I want to land on a pizza space pretty much 75% of the entire spinner you can go anywhere. So what's the point when already it's easy to get anywhere!

Motherfucker Mike: The thing that's like interesting about this is if you look at the board, the board is actually really awesomely illustrated.

Board James: Yeah. The artwork is-is really good.

Motherfucker Mike: The artwork makes you want to play it's really colorful it looks a lot better visually like the illustrations than any of the other games but the game itself just sucks. I-I didn't think I would say this before but the beanbag game was most fun of all these Turkish games. (Cut back to TMNT Pizza Toss Tic-Tac-Toe Game throwing a pizza beanbag) So, if you-- all I'm gonna say about these Ninja Turtles board games is-- if you want to play a fun Ninja Turtles game, play one of the video games, not the board games. They guess these suck.

Board James: Cowabunga!

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah.