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Hero Quest - Board James (Episode 7)

(Board James and Motherfucker Mike walks in and looks at some of the board games)

Board James: Alright let's pick out a game. What do you want to play?

Motherfucker Mike: (Sighs) I got a lot of games back here.

Board James: Yep.

Motherfucker Mike: Ummm, You wanna play Bed Bugs?

Board James: Bed Bugs?

Motherfucker Mike: Nah. Oh, HeroQuest! Dude, let's play this!

Board James: Yeah. I haven't played this in a long time. (James and Mike open up the board game and begins to set up) I'm gonna have to read up on the instructions a little bit.

Motherfucker Mike: What the hell is this crap? What is this a-- or a cabinet or something? A table? Some monsters? Doors? A fireplace? Look at all this shit!

Board James: (He reads the plot on the instructions) "Four valiant heroes have been summoned by mentor the good and ancient sage to do battle with darkness. Theirs is the ultimate heroic challenge descending to the treacherous world of the unknown and restore honor to the Empire. Destroy the evil forces of chaos."

Motherfucker Mike: All right how do I get to be?

Board James: Well you can be the Barbarian, the Wizard, the Elf or the Dwarf.

Motherfucker Mike: Oh, what is the difference between them?

Board James: Well the Barbarians is the strongest but the Wizard and Elf they have magic spells and the Dwarf can disarm traps.

Motherfucker Mike: I don't fucking care just give me the fucking Wizard.

Board James: All right then here's your Hero card.

(Close-up of the HeroQuest card displaying The Wizard)

Motherfucker Mike: Body, mind-- what is all this?

Board James: Wait, hang on a bit. I think he could be more than one hero because you're the only one playing.

Motherfucker Mike: Well then who are you gonna be?

Board James: Oh I'm Zargon, the evil sorcerer that controls all the monsters.

Motherfucker Mike: Ah, I want to be Zargon.

Board James: Alright then, here's the manual. You'll have to read up on all the rules. Here's all your monsters you have to take like these gargoyles and like mummies and zombies and orcs and stuff. Here's your quest book, this will tell you where all the pieces go it has set up the game and everything and here's your information screen. This will help you keep track of all the hit points and all the monsters.

Motherfucker Mike: Alright, Alright, Alright fuck it. Fuck this. Just give me back the Wizard. I don't want to do all that.

Board James: There you go. You should really pick one more character.

Motherfucker Mike: Nah, I just want to be the Wizard.

Board James: It's gonna be kind of unfair if you're just the Wizard and that.

Motherfucker Mike: Really? All right.

Board James: I got all these monsters.

Motherfucker Mike: I'll be the Barbarian too, I guess.

Board James: Oh, here's your character sheets and keep track of all the body points and everything.

(Mike begins to calm)

Board James: All right. Now the game goes like this: "On your turn you can move each your heroes once and perform an action. For example, you can attack a monster if you're close enough. You roll the dice. Each skull rolled equals a hit."

Motherfucker Mike: (The green hero figurine hangs in and Mike holds the other figurine shaking) Oh this is hell, this is hell!

Board James: "Then the defending monster rolls and each black shield blocks one hit."

(Mike shooshing sounds and begins to play the hero and monster figurines)

Board James: "Another thing you can do is search for traps, secret doors or treasures and if there's one in the room I'll reveal it. And as you move into different rooms I'll set up those rooms as they become visible."

Motherfucker Mike: (The red hero figurine tries to go through the room in a paper cardboard) Go through! I can't-- Oh, all right! I'm coming through, kinda.

(Mike and James is about to finish setting up the game)

Board James: Hey stop that, i'm trying to set up the game!

Motherfucker Mike: Well, hurry up!

Board James: Okay. we're all ready. So here's Quest Number 1: The Trial. "You must first enter the catacombs which contain Fellmarg's Tomb. You must seek out destroyed Verag the foul Gargoyle who hides in the catacombs. This is your first step on the road to becoming true heroes." Here you go, make your move.

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah, you know what? Actually I don't feel like playing this anymore. Can we do something different?

(Board James is confused and nods then he sighs. Credits roll.)


Board James: You should really pick one more character decides just the Wizard.

Motherfucker Mike: Sorry. (Take 2)

Board James: You really should pick one more character besides just the Wizard you know so you have somebody to fight with me against... (They both laugh again, Take 3) You should really pick one more game. (They laugh once more)