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DragonStrike - Board James (Episode 2)

Board James: Hey, I'm Board James. And when Board James is bored, I play some board games. So let's check out the closet here and see what we got. Nothing like dusting off those old memories. Oh yeah, DragonStrike. This was one of my favorites. I never had the opportunity to play it very often. I'd round up a few friends and say, "Hey, you wanna play a board game?" And they'd say, "Sure, yeah." And then I'd get out the game and they take one look and go, "Uh, yeah, well um, I gotta go home; I think my mom's calling me." Yeah, I don't know why, but for some reason nobody wanted to play this. Maybe because it looks complicated, maybe because it's sorta like Dungeons and Dragons, I don't know. But if you're still here, let's check it out.

Board James: Each player takes control of a different hero, and they all work together against one player who takes the role of the Dragon Master. Now that doesn't refer to any specific character in the game; basically that means the Dragon Master is the all-encompassing evil force that controls all the monsters. But it also means being the game's host, and the one who chooses the adventure. Each adventure uses one of four different layouts the city, the cavern, the castle, and the valley. But even though many of the adventures use the same board, there's tons of them to pick from. They all have different goals, such as kill a monster, escape the castle, collect a certain object, or to protect a carriage.

Board James: Now even though the book tells you how to set up the adventure, it's the Dragon Master who has the decision where to hide many of the treasures, traps, and monsters. So a lot of the game depends on the trust factor, which means the Dragon Master could just be a cheating rotten bastard. One thing I find really weird is the T in the word trap. It looks like a C. It says crap. I know it's that old-time medieval sort of writing, but come on, was this a smart idea? I wonder how many kinds of crap there could be. Ooh, rusty crap, that sounds nasty. Rope crap, that's like a long piece of crap coming outta your ass. Poison gas crap, I've had that one before. Falling rock crap! Oh man, I don't think that one needs an explanation. Spear crap, now that doesn't sound good. Sleeping Gas Crap. Blade Crap. I think you need a little imagination on that one. Broken Crap, Pit Crap, Electrical Crap, Jaws of Death Crap, and Disarmed Crap.

Board James: But the most interesting thing about this whole game is that it comes with a video, a half-hour DragonStrike VHS tape. Darkfyre gives it two claws up, and it's filmed in hyperReality.

Board James: This has gotta be one of the strangest inclusions to any board game I've ever heard of. Still to this day, it perplexes me. I can't figure out what purpose it has, other than to get you in the right mood. I used to play it for everybody to watch while I was setting up the game, you know, just for entertainment, but rather than getting people in the mood, it only had them running for the door. Let's check it out.

(The video pops in on the VHS player and we see a face shown talking as the Dragon Master or the narrator)

Narrator: Feeling brave tonight?

Board James: I guess.

Narrator: How brave?

Board James: Uh...

Narrator: Brave enough to do battle with hideous monsters?

Board James: H-h-hey, I-I never said anything about battling monsters.

Narrator: Brave enough to sneak around dank castles in the dark and chance being the next victim?

Board James: Whoah, whoah, whoah, I'm just trying to play a board game. I'm not looking for any trouble.

Player: Is this like a video game?

Narrator: Sort of.

Board James: Well, it's a video, and it's a game.

(Afterwards, we see a montage of clips shown on the DragonStrike VHS game.)

Board James: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Just tell me how to play the game.

Narrator: Very well. as the Dragon Master must make the world unfold before their very eyes.

Board James: Okay, that really helps. Are there any rules you can tell me, any kind of information?

Narrator: Try asking the King. Okay. Hey, your royalness, or whatever. Are there any rules to this game?

King: Surely you jest. (The King laughs along with a female laughing at each other)

Board James: Okay, this is one of the craziest things I ever saw. It's pretty unique with the special effects. There wasn't really anything like that at the time. And still there's nothing like that. It's so weird, and it's so ironic that such a thing got buried within the box of a Dungeons and Dragons game. I mean, this should be on DVD. Who's with me?

Board James: Look at this madness. Who's this guy? Predator's ugly brother? How about this Teraptus guy?

Teraptus: Failure is made of "should haves"...

Board James: What a nut.

Player (as a Warrior): this den of evil, where we will find Teraptus and drive a stake through his heart.

Board James: Okay, so is Teraptus a vampire? Oh, totally. Those hands look like Nosferatu.

Board James: Have you ever seen a wizard go around wearing a dead animal on his head? The dwarf looks like Santa Claus, and the elf looks like they crossbred Mr. Spock and the Green Hornet. Oh come on, don't do that.

(The Elf hangs in on two swords then it yells followed by a battle cry sound)

Board James: The thief and the warrior look like they're competing over who has the shortest skirt. And the warrior, look at his hair. He should be in a glam rock band.

(Set into a montage from the Warrior battle and plays the Kickstart My Heart song throughout)

Narrator: You're on the brink of a fight to the death with a man-scorpion. Look at your card under dexterity.

Player: Well, it shows a blue die, is that good?

Narrator: Well, you, because you're so big and uncoordinated, have to roll a six or higher to dodge the man-scorpion.

Board James: Okay, now all of a sudden they're explaining the game?

Player (as a Warrior): I'll grab his stinger and try and stab him with it!

(The red stinger stabs)

Narrator: Roll the die!

(The red stinger was killed and it sounded like a death rattle, kicks the Warrior out, then the stinger juiced out the yellow blood off the right neck)

Narrator: He's dead, killed by his own poison.

Board James: Okay, so let me get this straight. You stab the scorpion with his own stinger. Like, in the game? How do you do that? It doesn't even explain--why am I watching this?

Narrator: Now pay close attention, because the information you're about to hear could mean the difference between life and death.

Board James: Whoa, this is some serious shit. Now look, I don't know if it's your disembodied head or what, but you're really starting to creep me out, so I'm turning this off.

Narrator: Do not turn the VCR off yet!

Board James: Oh, shit.

Narrator: This is a special section of the tape for Dragon Masters only. When everyone who is not presently interested in becoming a Dragon Master has left the room, we may begin. Until then, kindly cast a pause video spell on your VCR.

Board James: Cast a pause spell? (The remote pauses the VCR) Okay. Now what am I supposed to do, check to see if nobody's here? (The remotes plays the VCR) There's nobody here.

Narrator: Are you sure nobody is listening at the door?

Board James: No, I promise, there's nobody here.

Narrator: At the window?

Board James: I told you I looked--why would there be somebody at my window?

(We see a Red Teletubby somebody on the window and giggles)

Board James: Okay, there's somebody at my window. What do you want me to do, cast a death spell on them?

Narrator: Of course!

(Board James cast a death spell for a fireball then hits the Red Teletubby exploded on the window)

Board James: Ho ho ho, ho ho ho. Wow, I kinda like this Dragon Master stuff.

Narrator: Good! Imagine the treasure, the power, and imagine the evil you will smite on your great adventure.

Board James: Ha, yeah! This is fucking awesome! Okay friends, gather around. You be the elf, and you be the thief, and you be the wizard. Your objective is to venture into the ruins of Dark Hold's Keep and look for the ghost of Teraptus, but beware Dark Fire the Dragon because he'll blaze your ass to hell! (Board James makes an evil laugh)

Board James: Hey, w-w-w-w-wait, where'd everybody go? And that's what happens.