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Deadly Danger Dungeon - Board James (Episode 6)

Board James: Okay, I got a board game you definitely never heard of, I guarantee. This... is Deadly Danger Dungeon. What creative mind came up with this? Why, you're lookin' right at him.

Board James: When I was about 12 years old, my next-door neighbors and I used to sit around and make our own board games. They were pretty shitty. There's one game we made which was lost. It was based off of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Why I'm confessing that, I don't know. Before we take a look at the grand epic which is Deadly Danger Dungeon, let's look at some of the other survivors.

Some Weird Spaceship Game[]

Board James: This is some weird spaceship game. I don't remember what the goal was. But from what I can see, you have to run through a minefield, avoid getting sucked up by an enemy ship, avoid aliens with headbands, a puddle of glue, and lots of spaceships that blast at you. That's what it says. You can also get transported to this giant battlefield that takes up 90% of the board. How that worked, I have no recollection.

Mischief Night[]

Board James: This was one of our favorites, Mischief Night. The whole idea was to go around playing pranks such as smashing a pumpkin, toilet papering a yard, soaping a wall, splatting eggs on a wall, throwing a stink bomb at a car, sneaking into someone's house to leave the sink on, throwing a baseball at a window, and literally blocking someone's front door with bricks and cement. Whoever this person is must really hate his neighbors!

Board James: Then there's this one where you're a robber tryin' to steal jewelry from a house, while avoiding elaborate traps like in Home Alone. This game looks like we never finished.

Street Fighter II & III[]

Board James: Here's Street Fighter II. I don't have any idea how this worked. I also have no idea why there'd be people watching a fight wearing peace signs. I guess that was the irony.

Board James: Then we jumped ahead and made Street Fighter III. I guess we got tired of waiting for the actual game. The characters included Candyman, Japanese Monster, Red Dragon Master, General [Sgt.] Slaughter, and Dracula. Yeah, Dracula. And the Transylvania flag is a bat, of course. You can say this right here is the original Street Fighter III.

Board James: What in the unholy mother of fuck? What was I thinking to make a board game of Pit Fighter?

Deadly Danger Dungeon[]

Board James: Now, let's move on to Deadly Danger Dungeon. My friends and I remember this one, as the most sadistic and punishing game that we ever created.

Board James: You play as a hapless treasure seeker who falls in a trap, landing in a ghastly dungeon full of unspeakable perils. The goal is to climb your way back out, but you'll never make it without a long streak of lucky rolls. Anywhere you step, there's some kinda hazard that either takes a health point away, or kills you instantly. It might be flying arrows, falling rocks, spikes, or a slide that sends you into a volcanic fire. If I remember correctly, you start with three health points, but you can raise it if you find it too difficult. It doesn't matter anyway because there's so many spaces that are instant death. Fuck!

(A Mario figurine hops on other spaces and falls into there.)

Board James: Oh my God! What was I thinking to make it this hard?! I was an asshole! It's not a linear game; you can't just go straight to the exit. First, ya have to get a Talisman. But before ya get the Talisman, you gotta get a key. It's a cruel game, built only for the motherfuckest of motherfuckers! And that reminds me...

(Board James calls Motherfucker Mike on the phone.)

Motherfucker Mike: Hello?

Board James: Get your ass over here, you motherfucker!

(Motherfucker Mike enters the board game room.)

Board James: This is Deadly Danger Dungeon!

Motherfucker Mike: What it- Why is it Mario?

Board James: Well I-I couldn't really make my own pieces. I guess I could have with sculpey or somethin', but I-- that was before I gave a shit about anything.

Motherfucker Mike: Okay. So I just start rollin' the dice?

Board James: Yeah.

Motherfucker Mike: Alright.

(Mike rolls a five and the Mario figurine goes into the spikes.)

Motherfucker Mike: Fallin' asses, I fall. Okay, game over.

Board James: Ohhh, you're dead! You're dead!

Motherfucker Mike: But what about my hit points that I get to use?

Board James: Oh no, that's an instant death, if you fall in the spikes.

Motherfucker Mike: But I fell on spikes already up here...

Board James: Oh, these spikes are bigger and bigger...

Motherfucker Mike: The spikes are bigger, so the other one made it just...

Board James: And it's more distance.

Motherfucker Mike: That-- Maybe that one just pierced my foot or somethin', and this one actually, like, went through my body.

Board James: Yeah-yeah, you fell-- It's like Mortal Kombat with the...

Motherfucker Mike: Alright, alright, alright...

Motherfucker Mike (imitating Mario): Oh, it's-a-me! it's-a-me! Oh, spaghetti! Oh, me parmesan!

Motherfucker Mike: Uh, five. One-two-three-four-five... Nothin' space. (rolls the die) One, you fall. Game fucking over again?! I gotta get the key to get the Talisman, and then I gotta go forward and then go back, and then climb the ladder and then fuckin'... One-two-three-four-five-six- Oh, game over! All that fuckin' shit and I'm fuckin' dead?

Board James: Yeah, you're dead.

Motherfucker Mike: I would-- What does the potion do? Can't I come back to life with the potion?

Board James: No uh, if you land on the spikes, you're dead.

Motherfucker Mike: Alright fine, but what did the potion do?

Board James: Uh, brought your health back.

Motherfucker Mike: Well, I'm fuckin' dead! I wanna bring my health back! So can I use the potion?

Board James: Oh no, you used it when you get it. Like when you get it, that-- that's it.

Motherfucker Mike: Oh... that's sucks. (Mike and James laugh) So let me ask ya a question: Has anybody ever made it to the end?

Board James: No.

Motherfucker Mike: One-two-three... FUCK!

Board James: Oh-ho-ho!

Motherfucker Mike: In this fuckin' pit, and there's two of 'em!

Board James: Ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?

Motherfucker Mike: Yeah, and fuckin'-- it's annoying. One-two-three-four... and it's the second fuckin' hole! How many times have I done of that? It's over five times I think now, or six times? I got past one time, I got past those. One more time. (James laughs) One-two-three-four-five, got the key, got the key again! Hey I'm doin'-- this is like the best-- four-five-fall and the fuckin' same spot and the GAME'S FUCKIN' OVER! One-two-three-four-FUCKIN' FIVE! It's fuckin' unfair! That's pretty much it.

Board James: Who's a motherfucker now, motherfucker?

Motherfucker Mike: Well, I have to concede, that would be the designer of the game.