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Domino_Rally_-_Board_James_(Episode_22)

Domino Rally - Board James (Episode 22)

(Dramatic Board James intro plays)

Board James: (Holding Ouija) What I have here is a tool for communicating with the dead; a gateway to another world; a supernatural device that's led to violence, delirium and summoning demons! Released by Parker Brothers.

Board James: Before I begin talking about this thing, I first need to decide how I'm gonna pronounce it. Everyone calls it Wee-gee board which never made sense to me. It's spelled Ouija. So it's a silent O silent U... silent E at the end it's just an entirely different word. The back of the box says it's either Wee-Gee or Wee-Ja. I'm going with Wee-Ja cuz at least that's closer to the actual spelling. Not to mention it came from the French and German words for yes: Oui and ja. Ja... why isn't it we yah then?

Board James: There's been many types of rituals for contacting spirits over the ages but the Ouija board was the first type to be mass-marketed beginning in the late 19th century. To use the Ouija board you're supposed to have more than one person. You and your friend gather around and place your hands on the planchette. That's all I know but for all I know it could be pronounced walk a mole-e mole. You move it around in a circle, ask the spirit a question and wait for an answer.

Board James: Supposedly the spirits will move the planchette over the letters to spell out the answer. But you're all touching the planchette, so it's a group effort; it takes all your powers combined: the living, the dead, the powers above and the leader in charge of the game.

Board James: Some say that it's just unconscious reflexes that cause the planchette to move around while others swear that Ouija boards are a serious matter. Well I don't have anybody else to try this with so I'm gonna have to do it on my own.

(Board James moves the planchette in circles on the board in his lap)

Board James: Is there anyboady here? Are there spirits present?

(pause)

Board James: Has there ever been anybody or anything here? Anyone who can give me an explanation on the things that have happened, please speak now.

(James turns the planchette around)

Board James: ANYONE WHO CAN CONFESS TO THE MURDERING OF MY FRIENDS... Mike! Bootsy! Talk to me if you can!

Board James: IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN PROVE MY INNOCENCE?

Board James: DOES THIS BOARD HAVE MYSTICAL QUALITIES?

Board James: DOES THIS CARDBOARD AND PLASTIC WALMART BOUGHT PARKER BROTHERS PIECE OF SHIT DO ANYTHING AT ALL?!

(Board James throws the Ouija board, breathes heavily afterward)

Board James: Oh well. Bored again.

(Turns around. Raises his eyes to see Domino Rally boxes)

Board James: You know what? What the fuck have I been doing not playing this? I have Domino Rally!

(Rock music plays, Board James unboxes Domino Rally Neon)

(Holding and dropping pieces) Wow...

Board James: Domino Rally is derived from the traditional dominoes. An old game varying rule like dice and cards. But one day someone found this cool thing you can do. If you stand then up and knock one over...

(Knocks a Domino Rally domino line over)

Board James: ...they all fall down. It's such a well-known phenomenon that the term domino effect is used in general whenever describing anything that sets off a chain reaction of events.

Board James: In the 80s and 90s kids didn't care about traditional dominoes, we just wanted to see shit get knocked down!

(Board James watches a chain reaction of dominoes.)

Board James: So Pressman toys decided to market this, taking away the dots, giving them bright neon colors, and making hyper commercials that made it seem like the most awesome thing in the world. And you know what? It was.

Board James: My friends and I would spend hours setting these up, always trying to make the most spectacular Domino displays we could. Only problem was they were so easy to knock down. One slight wrong move and they'd all fall down prematurely.

(Dominoes fall while setting up a reaction over a toy bridge)

Board James: Damn! Don't let the cats and dogs in the room, and watch out for that clumsy friend that always knocks em down.

Board James: Domino Rally was such a hit, they kept making a these different variations, adding more crazy things to the mix. Look how far we came from regular dominoes. This is dominoes on drugs.

(Montage of dominoes falling across different Domino Rally sets with Board James in awe)

Board James: Aw this is gonna be awesome this is gonna be the best one the dominoes are gonna go way over there then around that and all over it's going to be so good now I just gotta have a few more of these to set up here. Little-

(Planchette flies in and knocks the dominoes over, causing chain reaction.)

(Board James picks up planchette, planchette flies to the Ouija board.)

Ouija: A W S H U C K S

Board James: Bootsy!

(Board James sets up candles, puts hood on)

Board James: I beacon to the beyond. Sing oh spirits! Harkon all souls. Death is but the doorway to new life. We live today, we shall live again, in many new forms shall we return. A thunder pierces night, magic wonder, man of fright! Yea I call forth. (Gibberish) Let the dead come alive!

(Thunder crack)

Board James: GIVE LIFE! GIVE LIFE!

ELVIS Welcomes You To His House: Hey Mama! Let's rock and roll, baby

Bootsy! Mike! It's me! It's Board James! It's Board James!

Rodney Dangerfield's Game No Respect: Oh this is the worst looking hat I've ever saw! Oh it looks good on you though.

Board James: (Incantation Giberish) Why is Vincent Price on the cover of a hangman game.

Hangman: (Laughter)

(Board James slits his own wrist with a knife.)

Board James: May the power of Christ compel you may the Force be with you it's not a Tuma!

(Board James wakes up and looks around in a strange world set in his basement)

(Mr. Bucket appears from the sink, Board James is shocked)

Mr. Bucket: BALLS! BALLS!BALLS!BALLS!BALLS! (laughter) BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! B...BALLS!

(Dream Phone appears from a portal, holding a gun)

Dream Phone: Ha! Ha ha ha!

Mr. Bucket: BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! TOUCH YOUR BALLS! BALLS!

Elvis Presley: Hey lil' man! The king's got your back!

Mr. Bucket: BALLS!

(Elvis shoots Mr. Bucket)

Elvis: Eat my Blue Suede Shoes man! Ho!

(Elvis kicks Dream Phone)

Board James:This is some kind of crazy acid trip!

Elvis: I'm on drugs! (Kicks Dream Phone again) I'm all fucked up! Ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Bucket: Balls...

Elvis: Hunka hunka fucket bucket! (Kicks Mr. Bucket)

(Dream Phone and Mr. Bucket explode.)

It's all good man. I got it taken care of.

Board James: Thanks. Hey. You look familiar.

Elvis: Oh yeah?

Board James: Do I know you?

Elvis: Of course man: I'm Elvis. Elvis Aaron Presley. At your service.

Board James: Let's play a game.

(They play Hangman)

Board James: I don't know. Is there a Z?

Elvis: Ah ha no man. You are dead, dead, dead! Just like me.

(Elvis turns dial to fully hanged man)

Elvis: Alright man, I'm gonna guess your word: You got Star Wars. Am I right?

(Board James looks down to his playing field. His word is Star Wars)

Board James: Did you cheat?

Elvis: Nah man, nah.

Board James: No? Didn't cheat huh?

Elvis: No, no no no. I didn't cheat.

(Board James turns around to see his playing board in the mirror)

Board James: It is you! It is you you motherfucker! Disqualified!

(Rodney Dangerfield appears.)

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey!

Board James: Play with him.

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah?

(Elvis and Rodney laying Hangman)

Rodney Dangerfield: I'd say you got no respect. No respect at all!

Elvis: Oh Rodney!

Board James: Ok everybody! Put your hands on the planchette!

Rodney Dangerfield: Let's go while we're young!

(Incantation gibberish)

(Board James, Motherfucker Mike, and Bad Luck Bootsy are teleported back to the normal basement)

Board James: Bootsy! Mike! Did you remember anything? Talk to me guys.

Motherfucker Mike: Jim. Your name's Jim.

Board James: Yeah. James, but whatever. Well anyways it's good to have you guys back cuz it wasn't the same without you guys.

Mike: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Well. What do you say fellas? Board game?

(Rapid flashbacks to previous episodes)

(Board James and Mike shake their heads)

Board James: Not if you're playing!

Bootsy: Nah, today I get no respect.

Board James: Well, seriously guys I got to ask about y'know the... the thing that happened um

Mike: What?

Board James: Y'know... like about the-

(Mike shakes his head)

Mike: Don't worry about it.

Bootsy: Nothing happened, alright?

Board James: But I really need to know, I mean I-

Bootsy: Shhh shh. Shut the fuck up.

Mike: Everything's fine. It's nothing.

Bootsy: It's in the past.

Mike: It never happened.

Bootsy: It's alright. It's okay. We never need to talk about it again.

Mike: Never again.

Bootsy: Nevermore.

Mike: Nevermore.

Bootsy: Nevermore.

Board James: Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.” (chuckles)

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