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Lie Detector Game - Board James (Episode 21)

(Dramatic Board James intro plays)

Board James: It's time to solve a murder case with the help of a Lie Detector. This is a game that's been around since the 60s, but it's been re-released from time to time. I used to play it a lot as a kid. Line up the suspects, like the Artist, the Musician, the Gambler, the Secretary, the Psychic Reader, the Banker and so on. The object of the game is to be the first player to arrest the guilty suspect. Of course, I'm the only player today, because, well... You know.

Board James: Each character gives you a clue. On each of your turns, you get to examine one of them to see it they're telling the truth or not.

(Board James inserts a card, game dings)

Board James: At the beginning of the game, you pick a guilty card at random and place it in the machine. The back side of the cards have a different suspect on each edge, which is secret to all the players. The holes allow the needle to pass though, so each game has a different guilty suspect depending on which way you put the card in. As you get clues, you turn face down any suspects that don't fit the description. It's a process of elimination, sort of like Guess Who, which was simpler. Two players try to guess each other's characters, by asking verbal questions and eliminating by knocking them down.

Board James: The doctor says the person in angry.


Board James: True... The taxi driver says eyeglasses.


Board James: True... So it must be... the Racketeer. Use your arrest card, remove the guilty card from the Lie Detector, and there you go. You win an extra point for every suspect that's still face up. You play another round, and the first player to become Chief wins.

Board James: Some of the clues are kind of vague. Flashy dresser... I'm not sure what exactly is considered flashy dressing. Friendly? How friendly? Skinny? Well, most of them are about average. How about this guy? Thick lower lip... looks like HE has a thick lower lip, is he accusing himself? I think it's the taxi driver.

Board James: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads...

Board James: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads...

(Pulls ACCOUNTANT from Lie Detector)

Board James: Huh, I was wrong. See, things don't always add up. Let's try again. Wears hat...


Board James: Hmm true... Brown hair...


Board James: True... Blue eyes...


Board James: True... Huh. I think I narrowed everybody down. Let's try the Fight Promoter.

(FIGHT PROMOTER says: "BOARD JAMES") (Board James drops the card.

Fight Promoter: Hey pal, do me a favor. Read the back of the box.

Board James: What?

Fight Promoter: Read the back of the box! Just do it!

Board James: Okay? Here are the suspects. One of them is guilty of a murder. You start as a rookie-

Fight Promoter: Guilty of what?

A murder. Crime, Whatever.

Fight Promoter: So it's a moider then?

I guess? I don't know. I always thought of it as a murder case. Who cares?

Fight Promoter: Everything's always gotta be a moider game wit'chu.

(Flashback to Dream Phone episode)

Board James: It plays like a detective game. Like, imagine if it's all about solving a murder case.

(Scenes of Bad Luck Booty and Motherfucker Mike's murders deaths play, flashback ends)

Fight Promoter: Let's cut to the chase. You killed your friends and you know it.

Board James: NO! It was the PHONE! The dream phone!

Fight Promoter: I think you're the one dreaming, buddy. Come on! A pink plastic phone?! FROM A LITTLE GIRLS' GAME?!

Board James: Yes, that's what happened!

How does a phone pick up a knife?

Board James: I don't know! That's what was so fucking weird about it!

Fight Promoter: That's what you always say...

(Flashback to Shark Attack)

Board James: I'm bored! I just want to play a fucking board game!

(Flashback to Dream Phone)

Dream Phone (In Board James's voice): I just want to play a game...

(Flashback ends)

Fight Promoter: And you're also gonna tell me there was a yellow bucket chasing you around.

Board James: Yes. Mr. Bucket, he was trying to suck my balls.

Board James: (singing) I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth.

Fight Promoter: YOU'RE the one with the balls always coming out yer mouth.

Board James (from multiple previous episodes): Balls. Balls. Balls. Balls!

Mr. Bucket: Your Balls!

Board James: (Drowning Mr. Bucket in the sink) Die! Die! Die, you fucking bucket!

Motherfucker Mike: What are you doing? It's just a toy! Are you fucking crazy?

(Flashback ends)

Fight Promoter: It was always you. You did it. You know you did it.

(Lie Detector cards chanting "You did it!")

Board James: I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I didn't DO IT!

Fight Promoter: Then see if I'm telling the truth. Or are ya too scared?

(Board James picks up the Fight Promoter and puts the card in the detector. He picks up the needle and slowly inserts it into the card's hole. Board James' eyes widen.)


(Board James picks up the Fight Promoter and puts the card in the detector. He picks up the needle and slowly inserts it into the card's hole. Board James' eyes widen.)

(Dings true)

Board James: No! I didn't do it! It was a pink phone with a knife! I didn't do it! I don't want to hear your testimony! There's only two people I want to hear from.


(Board James picks up the Fight Promoter and puts the card in the detector. He picks up the needle and slowly inserts it into the card's hole. Board James' eyes widen.)

(Dings false)

Board James: False! Told you, false!

Fight Promoter: Are you sure you're using that thing right?! If it wasn't you, THEN WHO WAS IT?! I DON'T SEE ANY OTHER SUSPECTS!

Board James: Oh you'll have them. The phone. The bucket. There's something going on here. Some kind of presence... and I'm gonna prove it.