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13 Dead End Drive - Board James (Episode 26)

(Episode begins with Board James, Motherfucker Mike and Bad Luck Bootsy sitting on a table with lanterns on a dark, stormy night)

Board James: What do you get when you take a random assortment of different characters put them all in an old mansion on a dark and stormy night with a fortune acclaim, throw in some murders, a little mystery and you get 13 Dead End Drive!

Motherfucker Mike: So it's just another one of those murder mystery games like Clue?

(A box of the board game Clue is shown)

Board James: Not exactly. In Clue, the object of the game is to find out who's the killer where they did the killing and what weapon they used. In 13 Dead End Drive, the goal is to actually kill everybody! It's a kids game where you actually kill people!

(James opens up the 13 Dead End Drive board game)

Motherfucker Mike: Whoa! This looks like it's gonna be complicated. How about if we just play Clue?

Board James: This is better than Clue.

Bad Luck Bootsy: You guys know I'm pretty fond of Candyland.

Board James: Playing 13 Dead End Drive! It's a perfect night! It's all thunder in shit. You won't play Candyland when it's a raging storm outside! Got lanterns all set up, I did this all for you guys.

Motherfucker Mike: There's a lot to set up. Look at all this! Rubber bands, clips, it even has a separate instruction manual just to put it together. This is gonna take a long time.

Board James: It is if you don't quit dicking around! Come on guys, help me out.

(Jazzy music montage set as Board James' friends help putting up the pieces into the board game)

Board James: Alright, ready to begin. Here's the plot. "The wealthy Aunt Agatha has passed away and group of people gather around for the reading of her will such as the Chauffeur (Parker), the Gardener (Hickory), the Chef (Pierre), the Doctor (Charity), even the Cat (Poopsie)."

Bad Luck Bootsy: Whose Aunt is she?

Board James: I don't know.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Just sayin'. These people can't all be related.

Board James: Who cares? She leaves her inheritance to one of them. We see who it is by removing the card on the painting then everybody else tries to kill that person. Whenever someone's murdered the inheritance goes to the next in line.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Let me ask you this, how does Aunt Agatha know that people are gonna die? (Speaking gibberish) ...a list of-- like people in advance gonna die? Or she like a... (Speaking gibberish) ...every person like have a will or a...

Board James: Yeah, okay, everybody has their own will. The next person is. Yeah, yeah.

Bad Luck Bootsy: How does a cat have its own will?

Board James: Enough! The goal is to be the one to escape while you're the person on the painting.

Motherfucker Mike: Okay, you gave me four cards so basically these four people are mine.

Board James: Yeah, keep those cards secret.

Motherfucker Mike: But I wouldn't kill my own people so these poor people are working together?

Board James: I guess you could say that. Yeah.

Motherfucker Mike: Well, How do you kill people?

Board James: Oh, you wanna know?

(James shows Spritzy, the hair stylist who is about to fall on the top of a bookshelf)

Board James: With the Bookshelf (Woman screams), the Fireplace (Woman screams on Charity the Doctor), the Steps (Man screams on Hickory the Gardener), the Statue (Woman screams on Beauregard III) or the Chandelier. let's say the Fortune-teller (Madame Astra) steps on the trap space and you draw the right trap card, you spring the trap. (Woman screams, glass breaking)

Board James: That fortune-teller didn't see that coming!

Motherfucker Mike: Why would you intentionally step on a trap space?

Board James: Because you move them there. You move his characters and he can move yours.

Motherfucker Mike: Hang on, so you can move people that aren't yours?

Board James: Yeah.

Bad Luck Bootsy: How do I move his if I don't know who he has?

Board James: Guys, just look at the portrait. The character on the portrait (Poopsie the Cat) that's who you kill.

Bad Luck Bootsy: But that's me.

Board James: You're not supposed to tell us that!

Motherfucker Mike: So I want to not be the one on the portrait?

Board James: No you need to be the one on the portrait to win.

Motherfucker Mike: Then who do I kill?

Board James: The one on the portrait.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Whoa whoa, how do you win?

Board James: Just get to the door while you're on the portrait.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Well, how do I get to the door if I'm on the porch?

Board James: That's the portrait card.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Well I have that card.

Board James: That's the character card.

Motherfucker Mike: There's a character on my card?

Board James: That's the trap card.

Motherfucker Mike: Then who is this?

Board James: Oh, you're the Detective.

Motherfucker Mike: So I'm the detective?

Board James: No, whenever a detective card comes up that means the detective moves one space.

Motherfucker Mike: Who moves the detective?

Board James: Whoever gets the card.

Motherfucker Mike: So I'm the detective?

Board James: No, nobody's the detective!

Bad Luck Bootsy: What happens when the detective gets to the front door?

Board James: You win!

Motherfucker Mike: Who?

Board James: The person on the portrait.

Bad Luck Bootsy: What if you get to the door first?

Board James: You win!

Bad Luck Bootsy: What if you're not on the portrait?

Board James: Then you kill everybody else! Be the last to survive!

Motherfucker Mike: So who's the murderer?

Board James: You!

Motherfucker Mike: But I have four characters? So they're all killers?

Board James: No no no, not the characters! You, you, you control everybody this isn't Clue, it's not a whodunit game!

Bad Luck Bootsy: So there's no culprit everybody dies by accident... (sounds of the wind stops) And I thought I had bad luck. (storm continues to rumble)

Board James: Everybody controls everybody! Okay, it's like we're the gods of fate! We have this little imaginary world that we're in command of. Got it?

Motherfucker Mike: This game makes no sense.

Bad Luck Bootsy: Yeah I-I gotta get out of here.

Board James: Oh come on guys! This is a great game!

Motherfucker Mike: I'm gonna go.

(Mike and Bootsy leave the table)

Board James: Oh come on-- What do you got-- You got that's something better to do? Than 13 Dead End Drive?

(Bootsy opens the door but it blocking through the jail bars)

Bad Luck Bootsy: The fuck is going on?

Board James: Oh, you guys aren't going anywhere! (Thunder rumbling)

Bad Luck Bootsy: Who is on the door? Who does this? WHO DOES THIS?!

Board James: Relax, it's just a game. That's the only way to do it right! It's the old dark house murder mystery cliche. Haven't you guys ever seen House on Haunted Hill?

(Mike and Bootsy go to the other way, and it goes to the basement window cell. But it blocked by the jailbars as with the doors did. Thunder continues to rumble)

Bad Luck Bootsy: Oh no! We're trapped!

Board James: You're right, we're all trapped! I guess we're all gonna have to spend the night here! I'll even think that phone works that the lines are all down because of the storm.

(Then, Mike and Bootsy puts the cell phones and tries to call in for help)

Board James: What the hell! (He throws down the two phones in frustration) FUCK TECHNOLOGY!!!

(They sit down and play the game, with thunder in the background)

Motherfucker Mike (In his head): There's gotta be a way out of here.

Board James (In his head): Gotta block him from getting to the door. I think I'll move some of my characters in the way.

Bad Luck Bootsy (In his head): It's all about being near the door BEFORE your portrait appears. Otherwise he'll catch you a mile away.

Motherfucker Mike (In his head): But i can't move my characters near the door, *Gasp* to make us think it's him. Guess i gotta get it.

Bad Luck Bootsy (In his head): Looks like Mike's tryna' kill the maid. I don't have the maid so... The maid must be James'.

Board James (In his head): The maid must be Bootsy.

Motherfucker Mike (In his head): I got the right trap card, but i don't have to use it, I can save it. That way he'll think i just picked the wrong card. Wow this feels a lot like cheating but it's not. It's legitimate plotting!