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Wally bear

The Wally Bear & the No Gang title card.

Wally_Bear_and_the_No!_Gang_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_-_Episode_8

Wally Bear and the No! Gang - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 8

The Nerd: Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. Now the first thing that baffles me about this game is the actual cartridge. I mean, look at this: it doesn't look like any other NES game. And what's this button for? "PRESS HERE"? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Like some kid's gonna be like, "Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?"

(The Nerd pretends to insert the game sideways.)

The Nerd: So anyway, we start off with the title screen of a deformed bear with sunglasses riding a skateboard. A stereotypical anti-drug corporate waste of imagination. You can choose between one and two players... if you're lucky enough to have a friend who would actually play this piece of shit with ya.

The Nerd: Okay, here's the plot. You're the ultra hip, skateboard schmuck Wally Bear. Your Uncle Gary Grizzly wants you to gather up your straight-edged friends, and head over to his house for a party. Wally must reach his Uncle's house before dark, or at least before the timer runs out 'fore he loses all his lives.

The Nerd: But every bird and attack dog on the block wants you dead, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that besides just jump for your life. You can get items like pizzas, frisbees, or hubcaps to throw at enemies. And you can't really hit birds because they just dart across the screen. Now why would a bird wanna kill a skateboarding bear anyway?

The Nerd: The levels are just incredibly repetitive. Like, literally, the same backgrounds are used over and over again, kinda like in a Flintstones cartoon - if you notice, durin' a driving scene, it's just the same stuff in the background, being repeated over and over again. The only difference is that The Flintstones was entertaining, but this... this is just a piece of fuck.

The Nerd: There's also this asshole named Ricky the Rat who's tryin' to knock you off your skateboard and turn you into a heroin junkie. You also have to prevent a poodle from getting her radio stolen, stop a lizard from drunk driving, and deal with other things that either want you to die or want you to snort crack up your bear snout.

The Nerd: The music in this game just fuckin' sucks. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you wanna puke. You'd rather listen to your only infant child choking to death. So, just turn down the volume, and while you're at it, just turn off the fuckin' game.

The Nerd: Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was McGruff, or Pee Wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny, and Miss Piggy. And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... (drinking his Rolling Rock) and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

(Updated content; unclear on whether the episode was updated for an AVGN DVD release, or updated online on Cinemassacre. See the HQ YouTube release for the episode.)

The Nerd: It has just come to my attention... that there was a Wally Bear hotline. 1-800-HI-WALLY. Now, you wouldn't think that after like 20 years that number would still be functional. But, somewhere... in some old dusty basement... Wally Bear still lives.

(The Nerd listens to the indistinct phone chatter for a couple of minutes, the words difficult to hear. The scene fades from the Nerd listening to the phone, to scenes of a creepy, dark basement, with a transparent Wally Bear appearing.)

The Nerd: Fuck that. It's creepin' me out! It's like listenin' to a ghost!

(Wally Bear floats out of the phone, and the Nerd gasps in shock.)

Trivia[]

  • The game was originally going to be called Wally Bear & the Just Say No! Gang[1], but it obviously had to be shortened to just the NO! Gang due to "Just Say No" being trademarked for the infamous Nancy Reagan anti-drug campaign during the 80s.
  • The Wally Bear hotline, which the Nerd calls at the end of the episode, is now (as of June 2007) deactivated. This episode was filmed in September 2006, so at that time the hotline was still active.
  • The Nerd didn't know that as well as a phone hotline, Wally Bear and his friends had an anti-drug club which could be joined by sending a postcard to the NCADI (National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information), and the characters were also used on the health.org website on their children's section.

References[]

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