The Nerd: Top Gun sorta marks the beginning of a genre. It was one of the first flight simulation games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, or at least, one of the most commonly referred to. We obviously know that it ain't got shit compared to the games of today. And for that reason, you might think that it's not worth complaining about. But no. It sucks ass now, and it sucked ass back then.
The Nerd: Check it out. Mission 1 is "Training for the Next Mission". Okay, sounds simple enough. So you get a choice of missiles. So would rather have more or less? What kind of fuckin' choice is that? Pick more. I mean, the idea is that the fewer missiles is more powerful, but guess what? Whenever you shoot an enemy plane, all it takes is one shot to blow 'em up. Even your regular machine gun bullets take them down in one shot, so what's the point? And I love all the useless information on the control board. Altitude, speed, I mean, really? Does it matter? And look at all the gauges on the right just for decoration.
The Nerd: The first thing that sucks about the gameplay is just the fact that it's boring. 90% of the time, you're just flying into a blank sky as little pieces of cotton come flying at you. Yes, I know they're supposed to be clouds. Also, notice the absence of music. I know that the developers were trying to make something new, to make it realistic, but what we get is a game that makes you feel like you're in this blank, mindless void. Like, if purgatory exists, this is what it is. Top Gun for the NES. I'd rather fly a cargo plane full with rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.
("To Landing Sequence" appears on the radar monitor.)
The Nerd: Uh-oh, I'm really fucked now. I gotta land on an aircraft carrier; a feat that's impossible. Your radar monitor gives you directions on how to land, but no matter what you do, you still crash.
The Nerd: You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane.
The Nerd: Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up! I'm hitting up. (The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean. BOOOOM!)
The Nerd: ASSSS! FUUUUCK!
The Nerd: It's impossible. I mean, why's it so hard? I mean, I guess 'cause they were just trying to make it realistic. Like, if you were actually trying to land on a real aircraft carrier. But, I highly doubt that any of this game is like really flying a plane.
The Nerd: So even though I crashed, it only takes a life away and it still lets me continue to next level. "Mission 2: Destroy an Aircraft Carrier." Alright, fine. As long as I don't have to fuckin' land on it! Now the only difference with the second level is that you're below the clouds and you could now see the water. Basically, it's just a darker color blue than the sky. And stay the fuck away. There's battleships that shoot the shit out of ya. You're best off just flying into the sky the whole time.
The Nerd: Now, halfway through this level, your fuel starts to run out. So, this refueling plane comes and you have to control its nozzle. So, just like landing the plane, this is impossible, and I've never once done it. You just have to be lucky. I mean, your accuracy has to be 100% perfect. And really, I don't have a fuckin' clue how it works. Down, down! Speed up! Down, down! Left, left! Up, up! Speed up! Left, left! Down, down! Up, up! Left, left! Right, right! Up, up! Left, left! Down, down! Up, up! What the fuck? What was I supposed to do?
The Nerd: Now-Now look at the plane. It just goes away, like, "Fuck him." I mean, they just leave you out here to die. At this point, it should just say, "Game over." But instead, it allows you to play for a little longer, which is pointless. You're done for. The refueling plane doesn't come back, and within minutes, your fuel runs out and you finally lose. And that's as far as I got. What a shitload of fuck. This game chews turds. This game sucks your balls off and spits 'em out your ass. Now I know there's only four levels in the game, so it's kind of the same deal as The Karate Kid. It's a short game, but it's as hard as a fuckin' T-Rex's shit.
The Nerd: Now, because I've never passed that refueling plane, I've never seen the last two levels, so what I've decided to to here is to create my own version of what I think the last two levels may be like. "Mission 3: Blow Shit Up!" (blows up the movie poster and game cartridge) "Mission 4: Vent Your Anger and Destroy the TV." DIIIIIIIIIIIE!!! (punches the TV) Hadouken! Sonic Boom!
Top Gun: The Second Mission
The Nerd: Well, if you just haven't had enough fun torturing yourself with this awful game, and you still want some more, well guess what? You're in luck. There's a sequel. Top Gun: The Second Mission. Which doesn't really make much sense because it sounds like you're talking about the second mission in the first Top Gun. So, whatever. I mean, wouldn't this be Mission 5 and up?
The Nerd: Even the tops of the game cartridges look completely identical. Top Gun, and Top Gun. If you have a microscope, you might even be able to read, The Second Mission under there.
The Nerd: Now to tell you the truth, the second Top Gun isn't as bad as the original. But it sure is a hell of a lot more fuckin' harder, if you could actually believe that.
The Nerd: The gameplay is a lot faster, you could fly upside down and spin around, although I don't know what the point is. And there's also not that many dead spots, where you're just waiting for something to happen. There's no use looking for enemies. Here, your enemies come after you right away and they just blow you right out of the sky, so you really have to think fast. The missiles are really hard to dodge and just like the first time, one missile is enough to kill ya. But this time, they're even worse because they're faster and they don't seem to come anywhere as close as they did before.
The Nerd: In the original Top Gun, when a missile hits you, it looks like this: (BOOM!) and in the sequel, it looks like this: (KABOOOM!) Much farther away. So, if you play the original first, you're going to be really disoriented that you have to much less time to get out of the away. Besides, they still look like bowling balls on fire.
The Nerd: I never made it past the first stage, but that's also because I don't have the patience for this crap.
The Nerd: Now adding to this game, there's a versus mode. The one-player game where you battle the computer is impossible. Your opponent just disappears right away, then flies right behind you and just blasts your ass to oblivion. And the two-player game is what it is, it's just-just two players shooting each other up. The one thing that I find really disappointing is that after you blow up your opponent, you see him escape in a parachute. You don't want that to happen. You want to see him die.
The Nerd: Anyway, that's all I have to say about this garbage. Fuckballs.