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Sega CD - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 25

Sega CD - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 25

Kyle: (singing the full theme song)♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪

♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪

♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪

♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪

♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪

♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ ​He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪

♪ When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ Make sure it's tuned to channel 3 ♪

♪ He's got a nerdy shirt ♪

♪ And a pocket pouch ♪

♪ Although I've never seen him write anything down ♪

♪ He's got a Power Glove ♪

♪ And a filthy mouth ♪

♪ Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪

♪ He plays the worst games of all time ♪

♪ Horrible abominations of mankind ♪

♪ They make him so mad he could spit ♪

♪ Or say "Cowabunga" ♪

Kyle and the Nerd:"Cowa-fuckin' piece of dog shit!"

♪ They rip you off and don't care one bit ♪

♪ But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it ♪

♪ Why can't a Turtle swim? ♪

♪​ Why can't I land the plane? ♪

♪ They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck ♪

♪ ​The characters' names are wrong ♪

♪ Why's that password so long? ♪

♪ Why don't the weapons do anything? ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words ♪

♪ He's the angriest most pissed off gaming Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Atari, Amiga, CD-i, Colecovision, Intellivision, Sega, Neo-Geo, TurboGrafx-16, Odyssey, 3DO, Commodore, Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry...Video Game...Nerd ♪

(The Nerd plays games quietly, then suddenly the TV begins talking, reenacting the commercial for the Sega CD.)

Gangster Nerd: HEY! You still don't own a Sega CD?

The Nerd: Hmm?

Gangster Nerd: What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one?

The Nerd: Uh, yeah-huh!

Gangster Nerd: You have seen the games, right?

The Nerd: Uhhh...

Gangster Nerd: Wrong answer, man. Show him.

(footage of various Sega CD games show up rapidly, intercutting with the Nerd exclaiming throughout..)

The Nerd: (sighs) Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GARBAGE! How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? (Screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

(Sega CD startup music starts playing)

The Nerd: So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass. You just pop it in the side of the Genesis, like some deformed Siamese twin or somethin'. You ever see Basket Case? Oh, whatever. So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.

(Ground Zero: Texas begins)

The Nerd: So this is what a typical Sega CD game looks like. This one's called Ground Zero: Texas.

Reese: ...American system. Four particle beam disrupters with limited...

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game. It's like watching a movie. A bad movie. So every once in a while, you get to shoot people behind haystacks. All you do is just drag your crosshairs across the screen and try to kill things.

Reese: Let's see some firepower or I am personally gonna call headquarters and find out what hole they dug you out of!

The Nerd: The hole in your ass. Now we got Slam City.

Fingers: You want some of this? You got it.

The Nerd: Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.

Boy 1: Yo! Crush 'em like a walnut.

Boy 2: And sprinkle him on a salad.

Both: And pour some dressin' on the boy!

The Nerd: What are they saying?

Mad Dog: Ooh! Ace must have on ankle weights! (Laughing)

The Nerd: Okay. Now we got Double Switch.

Eddie: Hey.

The Nerd: Hey.

Eddie: Hi.

The Nerd: Hi.

Eddie: My name is Eddie.

The Nerd: Hi, Eddie.

Eddie: I need your help. This is my building. And since the neighborhood really sucks, I-

The Nerd: Like this game sucks! So you're just switching different rooms and just, I-I don't know.

(a pillow fight is shown)

The Nerd: What the fuck am I watching?!

(a lady screams loudly)

The Nerd: God, shut up!

The Nerd: This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD. The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house, and you have to trap these weirdos in black. Why the Hell are they wobbling all around? Could they possibly overact anymore? And the traps are ridiculous. And everything that's occurring in this house happens in real time, so you're constantly switching around, tryin' to find these guys. (barely catches a bad guy on another camera) Fuck! Just missed him. See? That's what happens. The only way to get good at this game is to play it over and over and over. That's the only way to know where these guys are gonna be. Yeah, get the tennis racket. Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game. So is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys? Yes. Alright, this is what I'm talkin' about! I sometimes forget I'm playing a game. I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie. You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic. Oh, she's in trouble. Uh-oh! (screaming in background) You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun. (screaming stops, screen switches to Simms.)

Simms: I don't believe what I just saw!

The Nerd: I know, this game sucks! Now we got Corpse Killer. Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game, because it keeps freezing. I actually had a lot to say about this one, but right now, it's not fucking working. Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.  

The Nerd: Time Gal. Okay, this one is really, really weird. All you have to do is hit the control pad in the right direction at the right moment, and if you're not fast enough, you die. Her voice is just annoying. 

Reika: You can't catch me! You can't catch me! (Reika gets her ass handed to by the enemy)

​The Nerd: (Lethal Enforcers) This one, there's not much to say. It's just shoot, shoot, shoot, reload, and shoot some more. There's some minor things that annoy me. Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world. And there's a lot of National Rubber Stamp Companies. How did they fit so many people in the car? Then there's this big-ass van! But now this time, there's only one guy in there! There's not even a driver! 

The Nerd: Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention. First, it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes, then an arrow appears and you're like, "Oh my God! I get to do something?" So you just point and click at things.

Willy Beamish: Man, I'm so bored, I can't stand it!

The Nerd: I know I'm fuckin' bored. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."? The frog's name is "Horny"?

The Nerd: Road Avenger. Alright, well, same concept as Time Gal. An icon appears on the screen telling you what to do and you have to act immediately by pushing right, left, turbo, or brake. If you're half a second late, you're dead. 

The Nerd: (Jurassic Park) Well, this one can't be bad, right? Remember the Genesis game, running around tryin' to get away from dinosaurs? Well, this is nothing like that. It's just one of those point and click games. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I get so bored with it, I shut it off before I even get to a single dinosaur. I want some dinosaurs, damn it! 

The Nerd: Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull. I wait like eight minutes for the fight to start up, then what happens? I just get clobbered. I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons. But all I do is just swat past the guy. How do I hit him? Do I really care anyway? Nope.

The Nerd: Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of R-Type or LifeForce, and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

The Nerd: The Terminator. This one's okay, too. I mean, there were some flaws. For example, the enemies are too strong, which is fine, but it's annoying when every single thing you try to blow up takes so much gunfire. Even when you're in the present time, there's no bad guys that die with one shot. And I understand when you're shootin' the Terminators; they're made of metal, but these are human beings. Another thing really annoying is how difficult it can be to shoot things sometimes. I can't stand still when I'm on the stairs. You can't aim your gun without moving all around. One thing I have to say, the music's awesome. Overall, this game's okay.

The Nerd: There's also a lot of games which are just hard to comment on, like Sherlock Holmes. It's like one of those early CD-ROM games on the PCs. There's really no gameplay whatsoever. You're just clicking around on things and collecting clues. Kinda reminds me of Carmen Sandiego, but not as memorable. There's also a Dracula game, which is the same sort of thing. You just click on things and watch little movies here and there.

The Nerd: Speakin' of Dracula, there's another one, Bram Stoker's Dracula. But this one is actually like a game. You're just goin' around, beating the shit outta animals. Yeah, punch 'em! Damn bats! UHN! Yeah! Fuckin' bitches! Kick 'em in the face, UHN! Fuckin' rats! So this game's pretty funny, but the control just sucks. Especially this part where you're tryin' to jump these rocks. Damn. (the character jumps on a rickety bridge, but falls through the bridge to his death) Oh, that was ridiculous! I landed right on that! Then there's all these movie scenes taken right from the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. If I wanted to watch the movie, I'd watch the damn movie! (holds up the DVD case of Bram Stoker's Dracula and throws it down)

The Nerd: Now we got... Wonder Dog. First you get this long cartoon. Some overly happy kid is walkin' with his dog, everything's fine. Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away, and then the dog goes inside his giant metal dick with balls, and he conveniently finds a costume, and becomes Wonder Dog. Now we actually get into the game... and, you're just shootin' stars at rabbits. Yeah, kill those fuckin' rabbits! Can't get up there! HUNH! GET UP THERE! Damn it!

The Nerd: Maybe someday I'll review some of these games in greater detail, but for most of them, there's really not much to say. Like this one for example. Sewer Shark. For this game, all I have is a two word review: Shit Shark.

The Nerd: The only real memorable game off the top of my head is Sonic CD, which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made. And it's definitely one of the most confusing ones, too. God. Oh, shit! I'm gonna be sick.

The Nerd: Alright. (The Nerd puts the controller on top of the TV) The Sega CD, it was one of the first CD-based game systems of the time, so it was kinda fascinating when it came out. The problem was, it was too expensive, the technology was just too young; it just wasn't there yet, and, I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why's that? BECAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUC- (slows down) 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUCKS!

The Nerd: Think about it. In order to own a Sega CD, first you have to own the Genesis. And if that wasn't enough, Sega made another Genesis attachment, the 32X. Yes, this ugly mushroom-shaped piece of shit was the last effort from Sega to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis. Tune in next time, and I'll tell you all about it.

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