The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks.
The Nerd: You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
The Nerd: And picture this. If it was a Model 1 Genesis, it would have been even more of a spectacular mess. And there's metal prongs you have to insert into its... slot. And there's something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mountain of cockadookie. (mountain of bullshit appears) So, what does the 32X do? Well, it's compatible with all your 16-bit Genesis games, but it also has its own library of 32-bit games.
The Nerd: Oh, you gotta love this - no end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why? Here's the Genesis games. You can read them. You can see what they are. If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to this. (taking out games one at a time) Oh, what's this? Oh, Virtua Fighter. What's this? Oh, Star Wars. What's this? Primal Rage. The same thing as Atari. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, labeled.. and not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing. If you labeled the older games, why can't you do the same with the newer ones? Who came along and said "Okay, we're going to have better graphics, better games, and, oh, those end labels gotta go."? When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?
The Nerd: Now, about the 32X, hooking up this bastard is just insane. Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fuckin' power adapter. That's great. I mean, now you got three. And trying to hook them all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare. Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take. So, I'm plugging it into the TV, and now, I obviously can't plug in all three of these things. So, here's the most basic power strip you can get. Every big store sells these things. These are common. So, I plug in my fucking power strip or whatever. Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (a simple plug) Even the Atari 5200 with its huge-ass box, it still ends with a normal plug. You know, that really pisses me off. I-I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?! These fucking things should be banned! Have these! (the plugs) Not these! (the boxes)
The Nerd: So, anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.
(The Nerd inserts the game cartridge into the 32X. But when the game starts, nothing is visible on the title screen except the background.)
The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter.
(cut to a fight in Virtua Fighter, only this time both the characters and arena are invisible!)
The Nerd: What the fuck?! Guess what? We left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.
The Nerd: So there's Primal Rage, which to my recollection looks nowhere near as good as the arcade. In fact, I'm not even sure how much better it looks in the Genesis version. You got all the moves, the farting, the puking, the pissing, which I can't do, so if you want to try that out, be my guest. I mean, that's what I hate about this game: the moves, they're so awkward. Especially the fatality moves. I mean, just forget about them. It's always something like, "Hold these three buttons and then tap some weird combination on the control pad." I don't know why they make any moves that require you to hit Up, because, you know what happens? You jump. I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons, that just ruins the game for me.
The Nerd: Then you got Doom, which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit. (music plays) Compare it to the Super Nintendo version. (Comparisons between the Super Nintendo and Sega 32X versions begin, with the SNES version sounding better. Tracks: At Doom's Gate, The Imp's Song, Kitchen Ace (And Taking Names), and Intermission from DOOM.) Also, the Super Nintendo version has more levels. The only thing it lacks are the graphics, they're horrible. On the 32X they’re better, but my point is, everything should be better.
The Nerd: Now, you got Virtua Fighter. It was one of the first 3D fighting games, and it sure looks like it. I really hate how every time you jump it's like you're on the moon. God! The control sucks. And the characters act like they have problems. (Victory grunts from Wolf Hawkfield and Jacky Bryant, then the Nerd parodies Jeffry McWild's and Pai-Chan's.) (OOOOHHHH!!) (YEAH!!!)
(Nerd version) (YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!!) (WOOAAHH!!!!)
(Mixes them) (YE- YE- YE- YEEEEAAAHHH!!!!)
(Fast motion) (WO- WO- WO- WOOAAHH!!!!)
The Nerd: Now, we got Star Wars. Yeah, it's an arcade classic, but I don't know about this one. I mean, the graphics are... balls. Everything looks like a polygon and it's... putting me to sleep.
The Nerd: Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind I'm limited to how many games I can review. I'm aware that I'm leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD and Knuckles' Chaotix on the 32X. But remember, if I don't have the game, I can't review it. It doesn't matter anyway, because I wanted to focus on the console itself. The bottom line, the 32X sucked and it was one of the biggest failures of all time, and to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together.
The Nerd: So, you can clearly see the 32X was just not worth it, and gamers were too smart to be suckered in because they know this piece of junk would be abandoned shortly because the Sega Saturn was on its way. Hell, it was already out in Japan, so nobody gave two fucks about this beast. It cost about $150 when it first came out, (green words "150 BUCKS?!") and the only people who bought it, they had mechanical problems. (green word "MALFUNCTIONS?!") So, on top of that, there were rumors that it could damage your Genesis games, (green words "FUCKS UP GAMES?!") and I don't even know if that was true or not.
The Nerd: The Sega Saturn was released in the U.S. about 6 months later. Only about 40 games (green words "NOT MANY GAMES?!") or maybe less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust! I mean, what kind of marketing was that?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was going to be was a stand-alone 32X, anyway. WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN' BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!
The Nerd: So, not only was the Saturn on the way, but so was the PlayStation and the Nintendo 64. Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for about $20. (green words "20 BUCKS?!") I got mine at a flea market for $2.50. (green number "$2.50") I'M DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS.
The Nerd: Now, excuse me, I gotta send this fucking shit back to the fires of Hell. ("Super C" Level 1 music plays while the Sega 32X is on a container with a flaming cord in it, sitting on a milk crate. The Nerd shoots an arrow at the Sega 32X, which triggers the fluid in container to catch fire and inundate the 32X with fire, melting it and the milk crate.)