(The Nerd continues to sleep, with him being tied up with video game controllers as he gasps.)
The Nerd: God! What the hell?!
Freddy Krueger: (cackles)
The Nerd: No... NO!
Freddy Krueger: Ya like Nintendo?
The Nerd: (nodding his head nervously) Uh-huh.
Freddy Krueger: Ya like to play shitty games?
The Nerd: No...
Freddy Krueger: (cackles) Ya fuckin' Nerd! Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
The Nerd: NO! NO! NO!
Freddy Krueger: Or do ya wanna play MY game, bitch? (Freddy cackles as he puts the game into the NES using his clawed glove.)
The Nerd: (In the real world, tired) This game's horrible! (In dream world, in normal voice) This game is my fuckin' nightmare. It's a frustrating, incoherent pile of vomit and shit. Even the first screen is kinda weird because it shows Freddy without his glove, but his knives are still comin' out of the fingers. Now, I think I might actually have an explanation for this. In the movie, Nightmare: Part 2... nah, they just fucked up.
The Nerd: So you play as some dude who has some serious balls because he punches snakes. Right in the fuckin' face. And you don't have to, anyway. You can just jump over them all. So this guy has the worst luck ever, because rocks randomly fall out of the sky, and flocks of vampire bats come after him.
The Nerd: Even though it may appear to be a typical sidescroller, it isn't at all. There's nothing self-explanatory or even fun about this diarrhea mess. I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go. Some of the doors are closed and some of them are open, but it hardly seems to matter. Because, usually there's only one on the entire street that you can go inside. Whether it's open or shut, it seems completely fuckin' random.
Freddy Krueger: Ha! Figure THAT out!
The Nerd: So you go inside one of the houses, and guess what? It's crawling with ginormous spiders, so whaddya do? You give 'em a taste of your fist! Punch 'em! (In-game character punches a spider and the Nerd grunts) Smack 'em around! Assholes! Goddamn fuckin' spiders! Eat my ass, ya fuckin' bitches! Show 'em you're a man! Punch those spiders!
The Nerd: (holding a fake spider) Spiders! Punch 'em! (punches spider seven times, then holds a fake snake) Snakes! You want some, too?! (slaps snake four times and throws it on the ground)
The Nerd: So I get to this little square door on the floor, and I can't go down. The arrow says down, which probably means that's where I'm supposed to go, but, I can't. It's not 'til later I find out, I'm supposed to collect all the bones in this room first. When I first started playin' this, I had no clue what they were for, but, now I realize you have to get the bones because, that's the point of the game. And if ya can't find every single last one of them, ya can't leave the room. And some of them are practically invisible. They blend in with the background because the graphics just suck.
Freddy Krueger: Ooh, yeah! PLAY that SHITTY game!
The Nerd: The plot of this game is that you're tryin' to collect all of Freddy's bones so you can destroy them in a furnace. Confused? Well, Freddy's dead, and now his bones are somehow scattered all around every house on Elm Street. Meanwhile, Freddy's entering your dreams, just like in the movies. And he can only be stopped when his final remains no longer exist.
(Three seconds later)
The Nerd: Damn! Freddy's got a lot of fuckin' bones! And they all look exactly the same: classic cartoon dog bone. You know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon wanna go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time; just leave him alone! (Shows a picture of Batman tearing the Joker's skull off his skeleton) Imagine if Batman killed the Joker, and then he... scattered his pieces all over the fuckin' city, and then went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fuckin' shit!
The Nerd: In fact, the gameplay in Nightmare on Elm Street itself is a lot like Simon's Quest. It has that strange presence to it. Where you slip in and out of day to night; in this case it's a dream world and a... awake world. It's got that non-linear quality to it where you're always confused tryin' to figure out where the fuck to go.
Freddy Krueger: Ha! Taste the major suckage, ya fuckin' Nerd!
The Nerd: So at the end of each house, some weird incarnation of Freddy appears. In this part, it's Freddy's hand on a bunch of balls. What were they thinkin'?
The Nerd: So, you go around, lookin' for another house you can go in. And none of them let me in. Try the cemetery? No, can't go there. What's with the zombies? They look like Frankenstein monsters walkin' with their arms stretched out. Like, how fuckin' stereotypical is that?
The Nerd: Can I go in the junkyard? No. Just keep walkin' around... walkin' down, I guess it's Elm Street, which happens to be the longest fuckin' street in the world! Oh look! I just finally found a house I can go in. The one with the door that's shut. That makes sense, right?
The Nerd: What the fuck are these?! Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some kindergarten kid for Halloween?! I'm surprised they don't have skeletons too. (sees a skeleton) They actually do have skeletons. What the fuck?
The Nerd: Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and... Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game, Boo! Haunted House!, which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait! Make it about Freddy! We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street!" And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts. Also, listen to the music.
(music from the game plays)
The Nerd: Sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, it sounds kinda like it's recycled from Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit? Another piece of garbage they made. What were they thinking?
Freddy Krueger: You love it, ya know ya do.
The Nerd: So let me explain how the dream world thing works. Ya have a sleep meter that goes down. If you're standin' still, it goes down. If ya get hit, it goes down. And in time, it goes down by itself. So anything you do, or don't do, the sleep meter goes down.
Freddy Krueger: Ain't THAT a bitch?!
The Nerd: And once it's down all the way, you go to sleep, unless you didn't already fall asleep playin' this fuckin' game! So, when you're in the dream world, all the enemies are stronger, which doesn't even matter anyway, because you can turn into this other character that throws javelins and does the spinning jump. There's also other dream characters you can play as after you collect the dream tokens. Just like in the movie, Nightmare: Part 3... except for the dream tokens part. So if you play in the dream world for a lengthy period of time, the Freddy music starts playin'.
(Freddy music plays)
The Nerd: Then, OH GOD! Is Freddy comin'?! He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy, that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! (zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name)
The Nerd: Anyway, you fight Freddy, which turns out to be real disappointing. It's just a simple flat room, and he walks back and forth, swatting at the air like he's blind. Come on, Freddy.
The Nerd: To get out of the dream world, you have to get the radio to wake yourself up. Then you have to wait for it to change back to the awake world. It's annoying like in Simon's Quest. But in Simon's Quest it's way worse because, it's against your own will, it happens so often, and you don't expect it. In Nightmare on Elm Street, at least you're doing it on purpose, and you get that rockin' tune, rather than just dead silence. (The Nerd gets the radio and taps the NES controller on his face with the music playing as his character wakes up.) But now, I'm using my fists again! Give me the javelin back. I wanna go back to sleep. You actually have weapons in the dream world, so, what's the point?
The Nerd: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allowed four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna wanna play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself!
(Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' shit.")
Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
Left Nerd: Yeah.
Back Nerd: So, the hell with that shit.
Right Nerd: Yeah. The hell with that... damn shit.
True Nerd: The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
(Right Nerd gets up)
True Nerd: Relax.
(Right Nerd turns off NES, and pulls out "A Nightmare on Elm Street")
Right Nerd: Now, what should we do with the cartridge?
Back Nerd: How 'bout, smash it with a hammer?
Right Nerd: Nah, that's not good enough.
True Nerd: I know. Let's drop it out the window. (Accompanied by a dumb smile)
Right Nerd: No, come on. Be creative.
Left Nerd: I say we take a shit on it.
Right Nerd: Good! Do it. Empty your ass all over it.
Left Nerd: I don't gotta take a shit, though. You take a shit.
Right Nerd: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
Back Nerd: I gotta take a shit.
Right Nerd: Then take that shit!
(Back Nerd puts cartridge on floor and squats down.)
Back Nerd: Bombs away!
(Back Nerd grunts and shits on the cartridge. True Nerd and Left Nerd react to the shit.)
Left Nerd: Fuck you, diarrhea fiend!
(Freddy Krueger's shadow is seen.)
Left Nerd and True Nerd: (seeing Freddy Krueger's shadow) Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!
Back Nerd: Ugh, come on, it's not that bad.
(Freddy Krueger cackles as he grabs Back Nerd by the face and tosses him to the ground)
Freddy Krueger: DIE!
(Back Nerd is stabbed in the stomach by Freddy. Right Nerd tries to run, but is tripped, and stabbed in the back by Freddy. True Nerd sees Right Nerd getting killed by Freddy.)
True Nerd: Front door, closet. Front door... Closet.
(True Nerd gets inside closet.)
Freddy Krueger: DIE!
(Left Nerd checks if the coast is clear, but notices Freddy's clawed glove and gets chopped up, and falls apart. Left Nerd then flashes middle finger.)
(True Nerd looks out, still looking suspicious. Freddy comes out of nowhere, with his face looking just like the Nerd.)
Freddy Krueger: Whoa! Look at me! I'm a fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! (Now in serious tone) Ya see, Nerd? Nobody makes ya play these games but yourself. So you're in your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die!
The Nerd: Go yank your cock through your ass, ya fuckin' butt mongrel! I got the Power Glove!
(Close-up shot of the Power Glove, with Freddy in awe. The Nerd grabs Freddy's glove, and he and Freddy struggle, with a Power Glove punch making Freddy explode. The Nerd wakes up, with the Power Glove still on his arm, not realizing it)
The Nerd: (sighs) That was a weird dream.
(suddenly, the Nerd realizes he still has the Power Glove on his arm accompanied by the "Castlevania" opening theme, and the caption reads "To Be Concluded...", then the credits roll, accompanied by the "Castlevania" Level 1 music.)
- In the ScrewAttack.com and Cinemassacre.com versions, this video features an alternate opening and ending, and also features the song "Welcome to My Nightmare" by Alice Cooper over the end credits.
- The title card for this episode is shown during the end credits, as James Rolfe didn't want to spoil the Power Glove reveal by showing it at the beginning.