The Nerd: Ghostbusters on Nintendo sucks ass. But if you’ve seen my review of it, you already know that! So why am I reviewing it again? Because it's such an inhumane pile of shit that it deserves it!
Five Things About Ghostbusters on NES
The Nerd: Well, this time, I'm over the shock at how fuckin' horrible this game is, so I'm gonna be a little more constructive. Here are five things that should have been improved.
The Nerd: #1 is gonna be a "Spell Check".
The Nerd: Let's play teacher and grade this piece of shit. Since it's really short, let's say 10 points off for every error out of a possible 100. So, okay, you ready? Here we go.
The Nerd: Well, first of all, congratulation's spelled wrong. But it's not even a simple typo; two letters in two different places are wrong, which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that, just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then, why isn't it plural? You don't usually say, "Congratulation!”, you say, "Congratulations!", so technically that's nothing to do with the spelling; it's a different error altogether. So, that's another 10 points for that. Then, "You've completed a great game"? Well, that's just simply wrong; 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "and". Then you've got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "Proved the justice of our culture"? So, it's saying that, "you proved that our culture has justice"? I dunno. "Now go and rest our heroes!" instead of "Now go and rest," comma, "our heroes!", it's telling you to go rest our heroes.
The Nerd: Okay, well, sorry to say, but we had to take off 90 points. But, hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait. Is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here and then there's three up there? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency, with a total score of 0. F-. It should have said, "Congratulations! You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!"
The Nerd: Now, movin' on to #2, the second thing in this game that should've been improved would have been a better use of "Ghostbuster Characters".
The Nerd: After all, this is a game about the Ghostbusters. It could at least acknowledge Egon, Ray, Peter, and Winston. Even the first Ninja Turtles game on Nintendo had all four of the Turtles. There's supposed to be four Ghostbusters as well. But try counting them in the game. There's two who fight the ghosts, three who enter the Zuul building, two who fight Gozer, and three who enter the headquarters. Now, look closely at the Ghostbusters. Notice they're all white, which obviously means there's no Winston. (Shows a picture of Ernie Hudson, Winston's actor in the "Ghostbusters" movie) Ernie Hudson, maybe you're glad that you got left out of this crappy game.
The Nerd: So, #3 is going to be "Better Graphics".
The Nerd: The whole game is just unappealing to look at. There's so much gray in the color scheme. It's dull, depressing, and lifeless. Where's the color? Why is there so much gray? Nothing even looks like what it's supposed to be. The proton beams look like a line of diamonds; the ghosts, like I said, are generic and stereotypical, all the same, and none taken from the movie, and the Ghostbusters look like aliens. And when they get out to push the car, they definitely don't look like Ghostbusters. They don't even resemble human beings.
The Nerd: #4: "Better Sound".
The Nerd: As I've mentioned, the music is tiring, to say the least. The game's Ghostbusters, but that doesn't mean we have to hear the Ghostbusters theme the whole time. A little more musical variety would have helped. Not to mention, more sound effects. (HMMMMM)
The Nerd: And, at last, #5, yet the most important thing of all that could've been improved, "Better Gameplay".
The Nerd: This is seriously one of the most boring fuckin' games I've ever played in my life. Having to buy stuff and getting gas SHOULD NOT have been a part of the game, whatsoever. Ghostbusters should've just involved goin' around blasting ghosts. But why was that so fuckin' hard to accomplish? Couldn't it at least have more stages? Let's count 'em. Ignoring the map screen or the store, there's the driving scene, the ghostbusting scene, the stairwell, and Gozer. That's it. four stages. I can count all the levels in the game on one hand. If this is supposed to be a game based on a successful movie, why can't it have more stages inspired by scenes from the movie? It sucks. Sucks, just like a ghost vacuum.
Ghostbusters (Atari 2600)
The Nerd: The game starts up right away at the demo screen, so you hit "Game Reset", and then the game begins with the store. So, you buy your shit, which is really weird-lookin'; I dunno know what these things are that you're supposed to be buyin'. But just buy 'em and then leave. Then leave. LEAVE! Fuck! You're s'posed to play with the difficulty switches to leave the store, but most of the time, it doesn't work. So, reset the game, buy your shit again, then leave. Leave! There we go. It's nothin' but trouble. I mean, I can't even get the picture to come in clear.
The Nerd: Now, the first thing I notice is that there aren't any buildings, it just looks like parks. And the driving scene, your car is so big, it takes up the whole screen. And it looks like there's a mangled rubber chicken on the hood. There's no other drivers on the road, so there's really no point of these driving scenes, other than occasionally to suck up a ghost.
The Nerd: The ghost catching scenes are just awkward, I mean, no matter what I do, I can't catch the ghost. It's like the game just does whatever it wants. Alright, here we go, we got him, we got him, oh, ah, fuck! Alright, drop the trap, shoot, shoot, shoot, ah, ya fuck! Ah, we got 'im, move him over, move him over, oh, fuck! Shoot the other way! The other way! Oh, well, we got 'im.
The Nerd: Well, basically, it's the same shitty Ghostbusters game, except it's Atari. So it's appropriate for its time. It was also on the Commodore 64, so, at the time, this was a decent game. But on the Nintendo Entertainment System, you'd expect something better. (He takes game out, shakes head, and throws it.)
Ghostbusters (Sega Master System)
The Nerd: Well, believe it or not, the Sega Master System version was superior. Let's check it out.
(Title screen appears)
The Nerd: You got a good opening screen, the music sounds a little more lively, and you got that little bouncy ball karaoke thing goin' on. ("If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!") On the first screen, you get to select your car. Well, why the fuck would I want those other ones? I want the Ghostbusters car, damn it! Then, right away, you're buyin' your equipment. You got this cute little forklift thing to bring the items to your car. Then, here's the map screen, and well, what do you think? Somebody really favored Sega. Look at all the colors. The ghosts are actually animated, too. And there's people walkin' around. I don't exactly understand the idea of droppin' poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters were in a car, not a horse-and-buggy.
The Nerd: So here's the driving scene. Definitely looks way better. I also like that no matter how fast you're goin', your car stays near the bottom of the screen. The drunk drivers are also easier to avoid, and you still got that vacuum to suck up all the ghosts. BOOM! Wow, I never seen a car explode just from hitting garbage.
The Nerd: Here's the ghost catching screen. Again, WAY better. You actually get a variety of ghosts, too. You got the green Slimer kind, then you got those ones that look like banana peels. They really do look like banana peels, and then they turn green and form together to make Voltron. Nah, just kiddin', the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
The Nerd: Once again, there's only three Ghostbusters. When you get to the Zuul building, you need to get past Stay Puft. You got three tries, but you gotta get at least two of your Ghostbusters past him. So, that means you can only fuck up once. Fuck up twice, and you're back at the beginning of the game.
The Nerd: It's so fuckin' tedious. At least the game looks nicer than the Nintendo version. But the gameplay isn't much better. Most the time, you're just waiting for buildings to blink red, which sometimes just never happens. Come on! You want me to catch ghosts or not? Why am I even playing if there's nothin' to do? Ah, there we go.
The Nerd: Finally, when you get past Stay Puft, you get to the dreaded stairway scene. And what a huge improvement over the Nintendo version. The layout's a little less bland, you can move in three dimensions, and best of all, you can use your proton packs to fight the ghosts! Now, these proton beams are useless. You can only shoot up!
(The Nerd is trying to get past the ghosts, but they keep respawning)
The Nerd: Oh, fuck! Oh, Goddamn! Jesus- -cut me a break!
The Nerd: The worst fuckin' thing is when you get hit just one time, just ONE FUCKIN' TIME, you start all over from the bottom of the fuckin' stairs. All. Over. Again. And when all three of your Ghostbusters are dead, it's over! (The Nerd loses another Ghostbuster.)
The Nerd: "Sorry, but your mission has failed. The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper entered the Zuul-" So, it's not the Zuul building, anymore, it's just "The Zuul". "and caused Gorza-" You mean Gozer? They should actually see the fuckin' movie before they make the damn game! "the enemy boss to awaken and destroy the city. You could not even set foot inside THE ZUUL because you were unable to earn enough money to gain admittance." Oh, so it's like, a museum or somethin', you just need to pay to get in? So, all I need is enough money and I can go up a buncha stairs to fight a Sumerian shape-shifting god. "Thus the city was completely demolished by Gorza. The Game Is Over. Try again from the start." Oh, really? I thought I could try again from the middle.
The Nerd: Well, Ghostbusters on Commodore and Atari - it was a nice little original game for the time. The NES version was a lame disappointment, and the Sega version improved it a little. Tune in next time, and we're gonna fast forward to 1989-1990, and we're gonna look at one more Ghostbusters game on Nintendo, and one on Sega Genesis.
- During the typo grading, Rolfe missed the space between the exclamation point and the word, "Heroes."