Ghostbusters II (NES)
The Nerd: Ghostbusters II on Nintendo. Well, here it is. The game starts out with this little intro with Vigo. You see him at the end too, when you lose, and both times, he does the Elvis' lip. (MIDI recording of "Devil in Disguise" plays as Elvis pops up into frame doing that signature lip)
The Nerd: So, the first level's under the subway, at the river of slime. And that's right. Wow. The game actually has levels with a simple goal: to get to the end without dying.
The Nerd: '''And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about! Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around zapping ghosts. So, it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game. But that's not sayin' much! It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fuckin' asshole!
The Nerd: And that's interesting, because, the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... A SHITTY FUCKING GAME! But... (throws game to the ground) a not-so-good movie equals a game, that's not as shitty.
The Nerd: This time, the Ghostbusters only shoot slime. They never use their proton packs. The controls could have been better. I mean, the way you move the gun is kinda awkward, like it stays wherever you point it and it takes a moment to aim it elsewhere rather than just being instantaneous. This is a hard one to explain; but just play it for a while, then pop in Contra, and you'll know exactly what I'm talkin' about. It's also stupid that A shoots slime and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick! Usually, Start is pause, but here, there's no fucking way to pause the damn game! (Throws controller to floor)
The Nerd: I mean, if you gotta go answer the phone or take a shit, it's like, "tough shit if you gotta take a shit!" You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds. I'm tryna play the game; I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry, I'm playing Ghostbusters II on Nintendo." What a selfish game! Bottom line: have a fuckin' pause button, goddammit!! (Throws Ecto 1 to ground in anger)
The Nerd: Well, the game definitely has its variety. The second level, you're drivin' around and dodgin' shit. You're shootin' at ghosts that look like bed sheets with two eyeholes cut out. Sorta like Charlie Brown's Halloween costume. Oh, and the car's alive, 'cause when it dies, it bleeds. (The car crashes and 'bleeds') Yeah, it gets mangled into a bloody mess. Yeah, I know... it's red slime.
The Nerd: Level 3's the courthouse. (Sees a jug of what appears to be raspberry Kool-Aid) Oh, wait, is that Kool-Aid?! Gimme the Kool-Aid! (He misses it) Aw, fuck!
The Nerd: Level 4: you're drivin' again. Like before, there's holes you gotta jump over. But, you gotta make sure that you drive over the arrows because they're the speed boosters. Oh, get outta my way! Oh, fuckin' ghost! Alright, here we go, oh, there's another, oh, come on! And you think I'm doin' bad? Take a look at the demo in the beginning of the game. It doesn't even try. It just crashes into everything. The only reason it even gets by is because after you hit something, you're immune to damage for a brief moment and you can pass through. But, really, why's the game having so much trouble playing with itself? It doesn't know it can move up or down or jump. The game sucks at itself more so than any human being, regardless of age or experience, could possibly suck at the game. The irony just baffles me.
The Nerd: So anyway, Level 5 is the abandoned subway. It seems like somebody's off-screen to the left just constantly throwin' junk in your way. I mean, what is all this shit? Fuck!
The Nerd: So here's Level 6, the Statue of Liberty. Remember the scene in the movie, where the Ghostbusters use the NES Advantage to control the Statue of Liberty? (The Nerd is shown playing the game with an NES Advantage controller) Well, I'm playin' it with the NES Advantage right now, and, that's kinda weird, don't you think? In the movie, one of the most famous icons in the United States being controlled by a Nintendo controller. Nintendo ruled the fuckin' world.
The Nerd: And see what they did here? They created levels in the game based off scenes in the movie. That's what I was talkin' about before. I don't know what these things are that you're s'posed to be shootin' at, though. I guess they're ghosts, but they're shaped like fish. And if they're ghosts, they're the happiest, most energetic ghosts I've ever seen, doin' choreographed dances in the sky. (Ghosts circle around in the air)
The Nerd: So, now we're in the city, so I guess this is level 7, and we're fighting bungee-jumping skeletons, I think. Here we go, at the museum covered in the river of slime. And this is the final level of the game, and by now, it's all startin' to look the same. There really isn't any more variety in the gameplay. The only thing different is the backgrounds. Yeah, they're all based off scenes from the movie, like the river of slime, the courthouse, the abandoned subway, and finally the museum. But you're doin' the exact same thing. Just walking to the end of the level, shooting ghosts overhead, and dodging things that go up and down, bounce across the screen, sweep across the ground, or just wiggle all over the place. Damn! I hate all this shit! Fuck! Bitch! Ass! It pisses me off! Well, like they say, "It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on."
The Nerd: So, you have to play through the level four times to get all the Ghostbusters through. That's right, they actually have all four Ghostbusters, so when you get to the end, you watch them shoot slime all over Vigo, and then that's it! He doesn't even come out of the painting. The game's over. You win. So to save time on developing an end boss, instead they just make you go through the last level four times. What a piece of shit!
(The Nerd is on location on a field)
The Nerd: Hey, come here! (The Nerd runs to a pile of shit, pointing at it) That is dog shit! That's what it reminds me of! This game reminds me of dog shit!
(The Nerd shoots game twice, then bangs it on his head, then hits himself with NES, then drinks some Rolling Rock.)
Ghostbusters (Sega Genesis)
The Nerd: Can Sega do better again? Well, let's find out. We got Ghostbusters on the Sega Genesis, also called the Mega Drive. We're steppin' into 16-bit territory now, yet this game was released about the same time as Ghostbusters II on Nintendo. Rather than make their own game of Ghostbusters II, Sega made something completely original.
The Nerd: Well, there's only three Ghostbusters again. I mean, what's their problem with Winston? What are they, fuckin' racist or something? Well, whatever the case, you get to pick your Ghostbuster. They got big heads and they walk like they're crappin' down their pants.
The Nerd: You got dialogue scenes and not one, but two stores, an item shop and a weapon shop, again resorting to that old, tired idea of havin' the Ghostbusters buy all their own equipment. Then, you got the map screen, which thank God, serves the only purpose that it should, selecting which order you wanna play the stages in. So, you can go into the little house, the apartment, the bigger house, the high-rise building, and after you've beaten all that, you can go to the castle.
The Nerd: The stages are non-linear, in a sense that you don't just run through from beginning to end - you gotta find your way around. You can climb ladders, swim, and explore the whole place until you've found and defeated all the boss ghosts, which there's several of. And, when you've defeated them, you get to lay a trap and catch a Slimer in true Ghostbusting fashion. After you've cleared the stage, you get money, and then you leave. So, that's the concept, which is enough to keep you entertained.
The Nerd: The control's great, walking and jumping is perfectly responsive, you could easily shoot in any direction, you can crawl, it's fun blasting things, the sounds and music are original, and the caricature look, I find kinda amusing, actually. This is what you call a game. I like this. I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying!
The Nerd: I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like, fire and brimstone comin' down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find somethin' about it that sucks.
The Nerd: Like those tablecloths that wrap you up? You can't even do anything but wait. They don't even do any damage, so what's the point? Just to be annoying. You might as well just have somebody come in and take the controller from me for about five seconds.
The Nerd: There's also an overabundance of weapons and items, which out of all of them, only one is really mandatory: the night goggles. Without them, there's no way you can get through the fire level, because you can't see shit! Look at this; I can't tell where I’m goin'! And the goggles run out of juice, so if you're far along in the level and they start to dim, you're fucked. You gotta kill yourself, go back to the store to buy more goggles, and then start the level all over again. What a shitload of fuck!
The Nerd: I also hate these fire towers. It's like no matter how well you estimate the jump, you either end up getting burnt because you jump too short, or accidentally touch the fire tryna get as close as possible to jump. And also, you have to make sure that you time your jump right, or the fire comes up and burns your ass. And, if you stand there to even try to think about it, a flaming guinea pig comes out! Yeah, flaming guinea pigs are pretty weird, but do you know what's also weird? When you die, you turn into a mummy. That, I can't understand. Then you got these disappearing green things to jump on. Oh. Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are. Coffee cups. You'd think they shatter after just one hit, but, no, they take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those! Don't fuck with the coffee cups!
The Nerd: The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright- oh, he's still got a head! Yeeaah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from Castlevania II, then there's the plant which reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, which is an interesting connection because Rick Moranis starred in the remake, and he was Louis in Ghostbusters. Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! YEAH!!! He's dead as shit!
The Nerd: In a sea of terrible Ghostbusters games, this one stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
The Nerd: So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the Ghostbusters games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that the same guy who did the voice for Garfield did the voice for Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon? While Bill Murray was the live-action Peter Venkman and he also did the voice of Garfield in the movie.
Thoughts on Ghostbusters III
The Nerd: And one more thing: Ghostbusters III. Is it really gonna happen? Should it happen? Well, if they made The Santa Clause III, Free Willy III, Home Alone III, Psycho III, The Neverending Story III, Problem Child III, and about ten thousand Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters III shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
The Nerd: Now, excuse me. I gotta take out the garbage. (Throws Ecto 1 to floor.) (The Nerd's Ghostbusters montage features theme remix, Ghostbusters toys, and him shooting the game with proton pack.)