Title card

The Nerd: Ooh, I know what you're thinking: "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?" But, I'm not. Double Dragon's awesome, and so's Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fucking waste.

The Nerd: First of all, those talking parts really slow the game down. I mean, why not just shut the fuck up and let me fight? Now, the big problem I have with this game is that it's just too damn hard. All you get is one life. ONE LIFE! If you die once, you start all over again.

The Nerd: Now, I can get through the first two Double Dragons without dying a single time, until maybe the last levels, but this one, I can't even get through the first level. Everybody gangs up on you and they just drain your energy. And yes, your energy bar goes down faster than in the previous games. I guess they were trying to make this one realistic. Like, if in real life, if you went out onto the streets to fight this many people at the same time, you'd get your ass handed to ya. And when you die once, that's it. You're brown bread. You're not coming back.

The Nerd: You can't fuck around with this game. Never, ever, go in between anybody. Try to keep your enemies on one side. You keep using that spin kick. When they're all over you, it's your only attack worth using. But sometimes, the fucking kick won't work. Yes, I swear it's true. I know how to do the spin kick, I can get it to work most any given time. But, when I'm desperately try to get my enemies off me, it just doesn't happen. I mean, what the fucking shit is that about? Fuck this game!

The Nerd: Your only chance to see beyond the first level is to be either a Double Dragon god, or to use two players. But whatever you do, don't pick "Game B". Because that's where you can hit each other. And that makes it pointless if you want to get far.

The Nerd: Now, just like the 1-player game, it starts off with the story sequence. But this time, it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait. "Bimmy and Jimmy"? How'd they make a mistake like this? "Bimmy" isn't even a real name! How did this happen? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? Bimmy and Jimmy? I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen.

The Nerd: Well, anyway, using two players is much easier, but it's still a hard game. There's so many enemies on the screen, and sometimes, it just gets ridiculous. And all the characters start to blink, making it hard to see what you're doing. And, obviously, this is an old video game flaw, and it's common when there's so much shit on the screen.

The Nerd: So, even though you never get another life, the game designers at least had the courtesy to refill your energy after you beat a level. And along the way, you meet other characters that you can play as. So, when you die, you can still use this other character. So, it's kinda like finally having another life. Except that it sucks. This man in a business suit who does this belly flop. He's completely useless. He's so slow. I have no chance against this ninja.

The Nerd: Fuck. What a piece of fucking Goddamn shit. (audibly drinks beer) Fuck.