(A black screen, then the Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest title screen comes up.)
The Nerd: This game sucks.
The Nerd: Castlevania 1 and 3 are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight. At first, it seems like a pretty decent game, a little different from the first in the series but, that's okay. Zelda 2 was different from the first, Mario 2 was different, but they were all good.
The Nerd: The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that you have to go through towns, talk to people and buy stuff. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like an adventure story and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's okay. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to night.
(A message box appears in-game: WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.)
The Nerd: Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game?
The Nerd: Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.
The Nerd: And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?
The Nerd: Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to get down to ground level, I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. But, oops! I shouldn't do that, there might be water down there.
The Nerd: Another thing that's really annoying about this game is the fact that you have to buy weapons and items. I mean, still, that's not uncommon, you know like I said: that's the same thing you have to do in many great games, like Zelda, but, lemme explain.
The Nerd: Here you have to collect hearts, which count as money. I mean, that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as life or energy, y' know, so that's kinda strange. But, y' know that's not the point. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin' expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something, and it gets boring wandering around killing the same monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame Whip or somethin'.
The Nerd: Speaking of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself, isn't it? I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the flame whip.
The Nerd: Anyway, about the hearts: It takes too long to buy stuff, and, to add onto the problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and you have to start all over again. I mean, doing this doesn't add to any of the games' difficulty or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.
The Nerd: Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store.
(It changes to night in-game.)
The Nerd: Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts.
(The character in-game falls in the water and dies.)
The Nerd: OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.
The Nerd: One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls, which are areas where there's, like, stones or blocks that look like you could walk on them, but instead you just fall through. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy Water all over to see where they are. It's retarded. Why should I have to do that? Again, it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y' know, challenge of the game. It's just unfair and it's annoying.
The Nerd: In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a big disappointment. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or a dungeon labyrinth, whatever, there's always supposed to be a big guy who ya fight. But here, they just got lazy and only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the dungeons just empty like this one. So, most of the dungeons you go through (the mansions, to be exact), there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb that you can't touch.
The Nerd: In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this: You fight a boss, you defeat him, then an orb comes down and you touch it, there you go, on to the next level. But in Castlevania 2, how would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb? I mean, when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a weapon, and you throw it, only to find that it does absolutely nothing, and that you waste it by throwing it, so you have to get it all over again.
The Nerd: There are parts in the game that are definitely not self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out. Take this dead end for example: Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? How? You have to kneel down by it for like ten seconds. Now, still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and hidden that we can't figure it out, oh please, give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility before we find out. Okay. Guess what? You need to have a Red Crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.
The Nerd: Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't important at all, so why do you have to read 'em? Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance.
The Nerd: Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?
The Nerd: The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many?
The Nerd: In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid.
The Nerd: Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.
The Nerd: I mean, first of all: there's no enemies in Dracula's castle, you just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are just, like, goin' up and down steps, which won't hurt you and they aren't challenging, either. It's just tedious. I mean, what the hell's the point of going through the castle if there's no way to fight? Did the game designers just, like, run out of time or somethin'?
The Nerd: So then, you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything like Dracula, he looks like a grim reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire.
The Nerd: Alright, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy. Check this out. This is a trick I discovered myself and so could you, without the help of any strategy guide. When Dracula first appears, he stands there for a while, and he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits. Not only does he stand there for a long time, but everything that hits him will stun him and give you even more time.
The Nerd: Naturally, you'll probably be using the flames, because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. But, using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible for him to even do anything. He has no chance. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've already won. I mean, why is it that easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?
The Nerd: What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit. I mean, I know it's useless complaining about a game that was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever, but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is. I mean, it's consistently annoying.
The Nerd: Why? Why is it so bad? If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but, history is history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania 3 as, you know, the second in the series, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.
The Nerd: Thank you for listening, good night.
(Fade to black, and then a quick clip of the game is shown.)
The Nerd: The ending sucks too.