Back to the Future
AVGN: This game is horrible!
Doc Brown: (Screams)Nerd: This game is so bad, I really don't wanna play it. But Darth Vader came from the planet Vulcan and said he'll melt my brains if I don't, so I don't have any choice. The first thing I really admire is how well it followed the movie. And you gotta love that music!
Doc: Great Scott!
Nerd: Sounds just like the movie, right?
Marty McFly: No!
Nerd: And that's it. It just loops over and over again. And you're not gonna believe it, but that's all you hear the entire game.
Doc: I don't believe it!
Nerd: Yep. From the title screen all the way to end, the same fuckin' music.
Marty: (Screams) NO!!!!!
Nerd: I'd rather have a fuckin' buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage. Now, about the gameplay: Well, you're racing against the time limit, and you have to collect clocks to get more time. So, that's pretty creative, isn't it? So you're walkin' through Hill Valley and every single thing you can imagine is out to kill you.
Marty: Holy shit!
Nerd: Bullies, hula-hoop girls, killer bees...
Nerd: ... and guys holding glass windows? Just like in the movie. What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
Doc: No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!
Nerd: I never knew a hula-hoop girl could be so deadly. Why does she wanna kill Marty anyway?
Marty: He's an asshole.
Nerd: Not to mention, it doesn't even look like Marty. Look at that black helmet head. Also, when did he ever wear that sleeveless black shirt? Oh, look! I got a bowling ball! Remember that in the movie? Remember when Marty goes around throwing bowling balls at people? Whose idea was this?
Biff Tannen: Buttheads.
Nerd: What were they thinking?
Biff: Hello? Hello? Anybody home?
Nerd: Ah, the skateboard. Now, that makes a lot more sense. But it's the most annoying thing in the game. Yeah, it makes you go faster, but you can't stop. You crash into everything, and it makes it a whole hell of a lot fuckin' harder.
Marty: Whoa, this is heavy.
Nerd: Jumping is useless. Try jumping over the bench, you'll never make it. So, what's the point of having a jump button if it doesn't help at all? What are those guys doing with that window, anyway? And why are those giant bees always coming out? Give me a break!
Nerd: And what the fuck is Marty doing when he gets killed? It looks he's having some kind of seizure! I mean, I guess I'd have a seizure too if there were bees and hula-hoop girls, and all of this weird shit comin' at me. I mean, just leave me alone! I'm tryin' to collect clocks.
Doc: Damn! Damn! Damn damn!
Nerd: I never got too far in this game, but after the walking stages are over, you go to the cafe, which by this time, is a breath of fresh air to see somethin' different, and get a break from that horrible music.
Nerd: So, you move up and down behind this counter throwing milkshakes at people, and if any of them touch the counter, you're done for. You'd think it would be easy to hit them, but it's not. Common sense would say if you stand in front of someone and throw something, it would hit them. You can't tell where to stand.
Nerd: Now, if you actually have the patience to get through the cafe stage, guess what's next? More walking.
Marty: No! Oh, please, God, no!
Nerd: You know what's the worst thing about this game? Is that, it bears the name, Back to the Future, a movie well worth putting more time and effort into making a decent game. And, the movie came out in '85. The game, '89. There's no excuse. No fuckin' excuse. Just, suddenly orders are passed, "Quick! Make a shitty game, name it after a big movie, and then just spit it into all the stores for all the kids to buy for fifty bucks!" (Chuckles) Yeah, fifty fuckin' bucks!
Nerd: There was no Internet to look up reviews back then, it was just, you know, you buy a game and you hope for the best. And with Back to the Future, how could you go wrong? Oh yeah, you could fuckin' go wrong, alright. Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote "Back to the Future" on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit.
Nerd: It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. (scoffs) I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's, what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
Back to the Future II & III
Nerd: Yes, it's true. Back to the Future II & III. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out. Holy shit! Look, the DeLorean, now I remember that from the movie. Not so much the piranhas, the snails, the weird face, the running frog, the bouncy thing, the thing in the sewer that comes out and kills Marty, the little dinosaurs, the cloud that drops pellets, and whatever the fuckin' goddamn hell that is.
Nerd: And look at those! What are they? Goombas and the spiky thing ripped right off of Super Mario Bros.? Fuckin' slackers! And every time you die, the DeLorean drops you off, and it seems like it always takes you in the opposite direction of which you're tryin' to go. Shit soup! Oh, god, don't let the blue bird get ya! Ass! Get the key, get the key! Yeah, the hoverboard! Cool, a bonus stage. Wow. Fuck this.
Nerd: I wish I could go back in time to prevent this game from being made. Unfortunately, I need to build a Flux Capacitor and I also need some plutonium to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, so, it's out of the question. So, let's end on a positive note. There's gotta be one good thing about this game, and I know what it is. It fits in a toaster.
(Cut to the Nerd putting the cartridge into a toaster, and fire leaps up from the slot.)
George McFly: (Laughing)