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Atari Porn - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 32

Atari Porn - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 32

(A photograph of George Custer appears on the screen. As The Nerd talks, various other photographs and black and white paintings of the events he describes pan by.)

​The Nerd: This is George Armstrong Custer. He was born December 5th, 1839. He was a commander in what was known as the American Civil War, and the Indian Wars. In early 1876, thousands of Native Americans escaped from their reservations and military officials were ordered to force them back. On June 25th, 1876, Custer and his troops engaged in battle with the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne tribes, near Little Bighorn River in Montana. His forces were defeated, and Custer was killed in this day of history, known as "Custer's Last Stand". Now why the fuck am I tellin' ya this?

The Nerd: Because I once had a whole class all about this kinda stuff. And after a whole day talkin' about General Custer, the teacher goes, "So, there were lots of books about General Custer, there were lots of movies and cartoons. Anybody know of somethin' that Custer was in? Anybody? Anything about Custer?" And I was just thinkin', "Please. Stop tempting me!", because I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Uh yeah, actually, there's an Atari game, Custer's Revenge, where ya fuck a naked chick up against a cactus." (Looks at the camera, nodding.)

Custer's Revenge

(The Nerd shows the case for Custer's Revenge.)

​The Nerd: Nobody would believe me, but it was true. It was a real game, and it came in a nice leather case. I guess so the kids couldn't see it. At the stores ya had to ask for it, because it was either hidden behind the counter or in the back room.

​The Nerd: But anyway, I find the picture on the front really weird. The girl's depicted in a realistic style, where Custer is like a cartoon character. And he's way smaller than her, and he's got a hairy ass. Well, let's pop this piece of shit in and give it a go. (He starts up the game.)

​The Nerd: I don't even need to comment. Look at this! Well, you're both completely naked! Well, maybe not completely naked; you got a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, and a scarf or an... ascot. (chuckles) Heh heh, "ASS"-cot. So, what's happening? There's spears droppin' from the sky, and ya gotta dodge 'em. Oh look, I got hit. Then lightning strikes and ya jump out of your boots. So the goal is to get over there, and rape her. (Custer does so in-game.) That's terrible, I can't believe I'm playin' this! Yeah! Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her! (chuckles) That's how ya score in this game. That's funny right? Well, it's funny for about two minutes, then it gets boring.

​The Nerd: All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I think it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I am offended, because this game's a fuckin' piece of shit!

​The Nerd: Now if you think that's crazy that there exists a pornographic Atari game, well guess what? There's tons of 'em. And Atari had nothing to do with it. See, today this would never be allowed, but back then, anybody could make a game for the Atari 2600, and sell it. So, you wanna see more? (Pauses) You sick bastards!

Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em

​The Nerd: Alright, what kinda surprise do we have in here? Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. A girl lickin' an ice cream cone. But what the fuck's the title about? It doesn't sound pornographic. Sounds violent, like ya beat somebody up and eat 'em. (In game, it shows a guy with his penis over the side of a building with two naked women standing at the bottom.) Oh, I get it. Beat 'em... and eat 'em. Oh dear. What have I gotten myself into? All you do is move these two sluts back and forth to catch this... stuff that this guy shoots down. (The Nerd chuckles awkwardly.) Yummy!

​The Nerd: Let's take a look at the manual. In here, it says, "The object of the game is to eat 'em every time he beats 'em. You score one point for each and every drop you swallow without a miss. But should you miss, shame on you, you lose one turn. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." What kinda sense does that make?!

​The Nerd: So the gameplay is basically the same sort of thing as Kaboom, except Kaboom was a great game, but this is just a miserable shitload of fuck! You gotta be completely accurate to land it in their mouths, and it uses the sound effects from Pac-Man. Ya get an extra life if you get 69 points. That's clever, right?

​The Nerd: Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf! I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?

Bachelorette (and Bachelor) Party

​The Nerd: Alright, now here's one for the girls. It's called Bachelorette Party. Yeah, it's a whole bunch of naked dudes. Whoa, watch out, guys! It's some crazy bitch bouncin' off the walls! And it hardly even looks like a girl; I mean, look at this. It could be Swamp Thing, for all I care. The gameplay's basically like Breakout, but flipped on its side. You control that thing on the left to catch the girl, and just... bang all the guys. What a whore. Now here's one for the guys; it's Bachelor Party. It's the same exact game, except it's a dude goin' around havin' sex with a bunch of girls. What a stud.

Gigolo

​The Nerd: This one's called Gigolo. The idea is that you're this nude woman on the streets, goin' around breakin' into random houses, where ya find men to have your way with. Y'know, that's really weird. Could you imagine if you're just sittin' around, mindin' your own business, then all of a sudden, some naked chick breaks in, starts humpin' the crap outta ya? (The Nerd looks hopefully at the door to his room, but no one enters. He shakes his head, disappointed.) Y'know, that's really not fair. I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny... but no naked chick. Fuck this shit.

​The Nerd: If ya break into the wrong house, ya get kicked out and the cops come after ya. You don't wanna get caught by the cops, or the bad guy; I guess he's supposed to be a mugger or a... rapist. How ironic. Most of the time he's in prison; I'm assuming that's the jailhouse, and then sometimes he escapes. So the cops are after the bad guy, the bad guy's after you, and you... you're after cock.

Philly Flasher

​The Nerd: Now we got Philly Flasher. Somebody please explain this one to me. Philly Flasher? Like Philadelphia? What's Philadelphia make ya think of? Ben Franklin, the Liberty Bell, Rocky, cheesesteaks, a witch shootin' milk out her tits? Well, it's no doubt that the game could take place in any city, and that the title's only phonetic. It might as well be Chicago Shit-Fucker or Dallas Dick-Kicker.

​The Nerd: The game's basically the same as Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. The only difference is that it's two guys drinkin' milk from a witch's tit and-- (The two guys in-game start masturbating with smiles on their faces. The Nerd laughs nervously.) Oh God! What the fuck?! This game really disturbs me, but I don't get it. Is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not at all turned on by some old, wrinkly, shitty witch titties! That's fuckin' nasty, man! What sick fuck came up with this? What were they THINKING?!

Cathouse Blues

​The Nerd: Here's a game that's on the same cart as Philly Flasher. It's called Cathouse Blues, and it bears a strange resemblance to Gigolo. In fact, it's the same game, except you're a dude instead of a girl. This guy's got no arms or legs, but that doesn't hold him back. Y'know, why isn't this game called Philly Flasher and this one Cathouse Blues? They must've fucked up and switched the titles.

Knight on the Town

​The Nerd: Now we got Knight on the Town. I suppose you're a knight, and you're on a quest for the holy ass. That's right, your goal is that princess on the top of the castle. What he wants to do with her? Well, take a guess. So as usual, the object's pretty simple; you just grab the blocks and build the bridge. But watch out for that crazy monster! And if the alligators get ya, they bite your dick off.

​The Nerd: There's no point of walking, because he's so damn slow, so you just gotta keep jumping and keep in rhythm so you don't hit the monster or the alligators. I don't have any idea what these things on their heads are. They look like Dr. Seuss characters. But one thing I never expected to see Dr. Seuss characters do, is this. (The knight and princess have sex in-game.)

Jungle Fever

​The Nerd: Alright, just one more game because, I've had enough. This one is Jungle Fever. I like to call it Jungle Cunt. (A pun on "Jungle Hunt") Well, honestly, I don't know what to say about this one. How did they come up with this stuff? "Alright guys, let's have... a naked, big-breasted woman hangin' from a helicopter shootin' at flames with a naked guy in between, and some cannibal bitches (I guess) tryin' to kill you." WHAT THE FUCK? The goal is to put out the flames and rescue him, and to celebrate... why not? (An animated image of sex in-game.)

​The Nerd: Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? "Have you played Atari today?" Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

(The Nerd drinks from a super-sized mug.)

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