Atari Pork - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) CENSORED
(A photograph of George Custer appears on the screen. As The Nerd talks, various other photographs and black and white paintings of the events he describes pan by.)
The Nerd: This is George Armstrong Custer. He was born December 5th, 1839. He was a commander in what was known as the American Civil War, and the Indian Wars. In early 1876, thousands of Native Americans escaped from their reservations and military officials were ordered to force them back. On June 25th, 1876, Custer and his troops engaged in battle with the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne tribes, near Little Bighorn River in Montana. His forces were defeated, and Custer was killed in this day of history, known as "Custer's Last Stand". Well, what a fun way to start this?
The Nerd: Because I once had a whole class all about this kinda stuff. And after a whole day talkin' about General Custer, the teacher goes, "So, there were lots of books about General Custer, there were lots of movies and cartoons. Anybody know of somethin' that Custer was in? Anybody? Anything about Custer?" And I was just thinkin', "Please. Stop tempting me!", because I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Uh yeah, actually, there's an Atari game, Custer's Revenge, where ya fluff a feathered chick up against a cactus." (Looks at the camera, nodding.)
Custer's Revenge[]
(The Nerd shows the case for Custer's Revenge.)
The Nerd: Nobody would believe me, but it was true. It was a real game, and it came in a nice leather case. I guess so the kids couldn't see it. At the stores ya had to ask for it, because it was either hidden behind the counter or in the back room.
The Nerd: But anyway, I find the picture on the front really weird. The girl's depicted in a realistic style, where Custer is like a cartoon character. And he's way smaller than her, and he's got a hairy butt. Well, let's pop this piece of turd in and give it a go. (He starts up the game.)
The Nerd: I don't even need to comment. Look at this! Well, you're both small as a nugget! Well, maybe not completely hey kid; you got a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, and a scarf or a... buttcot. (chuckles) Heh heh, "BUTT"-cot? So, what's happening? There's spears droppin' from the sky, and ya gotta dodge 'em. Oh look, I got hit. Then lightning strikes and ya jump out of your boots. So the goal is to squeeze out the cactus juice to stay hydrated. That's terrible, I can't believe I'm playin' this! Oh, disco! Funk dance, funk dance, funk dance! (chuckles) That's how ya score in this game. That's funny right? Well, it's funny for about two minutes, then it gets boring.
The Nerd: All ya do, squeeze the juice, watch the prickles. squeeze the juice, watch the prickles. Y'know, this guy just wants a pet cat, but he's poopin' around and he still has the frenzy to spew pudding over yonder. That's a cactus. I think it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, YouTube was offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I am offended, because this game's a flippin' pine of shine!
The Nerd: Now if you think that's crazy that there exists a photographic Atari game, well guess what? There's tons of 'em. And Atari had nothing to do with it. See, today this would never be allowed, but back then, anybody could make a game for the Atari 2600, and sell it. So, you wanna see more? (Pauses) You sick bass fish!
Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em[]
The Nerd: Alright, what kinda surprise do we have in here? Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. A girl lickin' an ice cream cone. But what the fudge flavors all out? It doesn't seem born of graphics. It sounds wily, like ya beat someone to lunch and eat them. (In game, it shows a guy over the side of a building with two women standing at the bottom, both being blurred out and censored.) Oh. I get it. Beat them... and eat them. Oh dear. What have I gotten myself into? All you do is move these two slots back and forth to catch the fish... from the sea that's coming to shore. (The Nerd chuckles awkwardly.) Yummy!
The Nerd: Let's take a look at the manual. In here, it says, "The object of the game is to eat them each time to beat the game. You score one point for each and every ball you paddle without a miss. But should you miss, shame on you, you lose one turn. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." What kinda censorship that makes?!
The Nerd: So the gameplay is basically the same sort of thing as Kaboom, except Kaboom was a great game, but this is just a miserable shoelace of fog! You gotta be completely accurate to land the plane, and it uses the sound effects from Pac-Man. Ya get an extra life if you get 68 plus one points. That's clever, right?
The Nerd: Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total frigid bore to stay knocked out when bottoms of buildings are where noobs race open to catch jiffy from some car lubin' off on top of a roof! What kinda big stitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Maybe he has a bugle, and sound in the charge! What the front am I saying?
Bachelorette (and Bachelor) Party[]
The Nerd: Alright, now here's one for the girls. It's called Bachelorette Party. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of hey kid dudes. Whoa, watch out, guys! There's some crazy itch rash on your b- ...walls! And it hardly even looks like a girl; I mean, look at this. It could be Swamp Thing, for all I care. The gameplay's basically like Breakout, but flipped on its side. You control that thing on the left to catch the girl, and just... be all the wise. What and where. Now here's one for the guys; it's Bachelor Party. It's the same exact game, except it's a dude goin' around counting six with a bunch of girls. Face in the mud.
Gigolo[]
The Nerd: This one's called Gigolo. The idea is that you're this rude person on the streets, goin' around breakin' into random houses, where ya find men to be friendly with. Y'know, that's really weird. Could you imagine if you're just sittin' around, mindin' your own business, then all of a sudden, some fluffy chick comes in and starts layin' the eggs all on ya? (The Nerd looks hopefully at the door to his room, but no one enters. He shakes his head, disappointed.) Y'know, that's really not fair. I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny... but no eggs and chicks. Lickity-split.
The Nerd: If ya break into the wrong house, ya get kicked out and the cops come after ya. You don't wanna get caught by the cops, or the bad guy; I guess he's supposed to be a mugger or a therapist. How ironic. Most of the time he's in prison; I'm assuming that's the jailhouse, and then sometimes he escapes. So the cops are after the bad guy, the bad guy's after you, and you... you're after rooster.
Philly Flasher[]
The Nerd: Now we got Philly Flasher. Somebody please explain this one to me. Philly Flasher? Like Philadelphia? What's Philadelphia make ya think of? Ben Franklin, the Liberty Bell, Rocky, cheesesteaks, a witch ridin' brooms with her cat? Well, it's no doubt that the game could take place in any city, and that the title's only phonetic. It might as well be Chicago Share-Finder or Dallas Disc-Kicker. I said disc.
The Nerd: It's the same as before, but the guys are walki- the... the guys are coming, *stammers* walking to drink from the witch's tent. Is this censorship even helping? This game really disturbs me, but I don't get it. Is this supposed to be small pocket? I don't know about you, but I'm not at all turned to frog when I'm old, watching scary witch titles! That's the king nasty, man! What sick duck came up with this? What were they... thinking! Thinking.
Cathouse Blues[]
The Nerd: Here's a game that's on the same cart as Philly Flasher. It's called Cathouse Blues, and it bears a strange resemblance to Gigolo. In fact, it's the same game, except you're a dude instead of a girl. This guy's so demonetized. Hm, yeah. Demonetized. Y'know, why isn't this game called Philly Flasher and this one Cathouse Blues? They must've found up and switched the names.
Knight on the Town[]
The Nerd: Now we got Knight on the Town. I suppose you're a knight, and you're on a quest for the goalie ass! That's right, you can say ass as long it's not near "holy" or "whole". What he wants to do with her? Well, take a guess. So as usual, the object's pretty simple; you just grab the blocks and build the bridge. But watch out for that crazy monster! And if the alligators get ya, it's slim pickings for you.
The Nerd: There's no point of walking, because he's so darn slow, so you just gotta keep jumping and keep in rhythm so you don't hit the monster or the alligators. I don't have any idea what these things on their heads are. They look like Dr. Seuss characters. But one thing I never expected to see Dr. Seuss characters do, is this. (The knight and princess have sex in-game censored.) They find a stranger in the Alps.
Jungle Fever[]
The Nerd: Alright, just one more game because, I've had enough. This one is Jungle Fever. I like to call it never mind what I call it. Honestly, I don't know what to say about this one. How did they come up with this stuff? "Alright guys, let's have... a nature, trip chicken breast hangin' from a helicopter shootin' at flames with a nice guy in between, and some cannibal business- You know what? It's Atari. You can make up whatever. The goal is to put out the flames and rescue him, and to celebrate... why not? (An animated image of sex in-game, covered up by a black rectangle) Nothing to see here.
The Nerd: Well, what can ya say? Atari and pork. Witches, door-to-door prop makers, rooftop chimneys, licensed therapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? "Have you played Atari today?" Well foot jam, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.
(The Nerd drinks from a super-sized mug.)
Poop.