The Nerd looks on in disbelief at the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Christmas Carol Part 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 39
Ghost of Christmas Past: (Where Part 1 left off) Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
(The Nerd hits himself with Double Dragon for the Sega Master System)
The Nerd: I ain't seein' this!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
The Nerd: Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But you're already there, drowning in your own misery and torments.
The Nerd: (frowns) Ya see this? (gives the middle finger)
Ghost of Christmas Past: I do see that.
The Nerd: (waves middle finger) But you're not lookin' at it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But I see it.
The Nerd: Look, ghost. Why do you come to me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, to take you back to the past.
The Nerd: To play the shitty games that suck ass? No thanks.
Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Nerd!
(The Nerd gets blown to the past, where we see a young Nerd playing on a home computer.)
The Nerd: Oh wow. That's me. I'm playin' Round 42. That was the shit; I remember that. (Cut to the Nerd's first experience with the NES.) Oh, now that's my first time playin' the NES! And there's my dad in his underwear, takin' out the trash. At least he's not makin' me take out the trash. (Cut to James playing Super Mario Bros. 2) Oh, and that's me playin' Mario 2. At least we all thought it was Mario 2.
Young Nerd: I don't know how you get in there. There's a wall blocking it. So I don't know how to get in.
Young Nerd: (almost gets hit) Yikes, I'm not going down there.
Young Nerd: (after Princess Toadstool/Peach dies) This isn't fair!
(cut to Super Mario Bros. "Game Over" Screen and music)
Young Nerd: AAARGH! I lose every game!
The Nerd: I remember nothing but torture. (Cut to Rolfe's Christmas 1991 video.) Oh, that's that fateful Christmas day when I got my Super Nintendo.
Young Nerd (aged up a few years): My first 16-bit machine! (Laughter from family)
Ghost of Christmas Present: Do you remember the excitement?
The Nerd: Who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
The Nerd: Well - what do you want?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I just want to remind you of the fond memories you had with Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doin' right now?
The Nerd: Talkin' to you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, this is all out of body, don't you get it? Right now, you're looking back and reviewing one of the worst games of the Super Nintendo.
(The Nerd sees himself looking through his collection and pulling out an awful SNES game, Shaq-Fu.)
The Nerd: Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe, like "you don't even wanna go there".
(The game opens with still shots of the titular basketball player entering a shop in a similar style to Gremlins/Little Shop of Horrors)
The Nerd: So, it's a fighting game with a storyline that begins with Shaq wandering into a Chinese shop for whatever reason, and an old man tells him he has to save some kid. So, Shaq just goes along with it, steps in the portal and ends up in the 2nd World. I guess we live in the 1st World, so this is the 2nd. So you're wanderin' around, fighting everybody ya meet, including a goblin sort of thing, some crazy cat bitch, a Persian prince, I guess, and all kinds of weird aliens and a mummy-warrior. I never even heard of such a thing! I just don't know about this. It's really weird. I kinda liked "Full House: Tournament Fighter". At least that had more appropriate characters. Now, this is one of those multi-console games which appeared on both the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis/Mega Drive console. And most of the time, the Super Nintendo version was better, which means, I'd really hate to see the Genesis version. Now, besides the ridiculous concept, the dull sound effects, and everything else, the rotten core where this game stank bullshit stems from is in its godforsaken control. The controls are mutilated. Fuckin' ATROCIOUS. They're especially unresponsive when you're tryin' to execute a special move, and most of the time, you find yourself tryin' to get close enough to your opponent to hit him! You just end up jumping all around until the clock runs out.
(As just that happens in-game, The Nerd is shown getting angry at how God-awful the controls for Shaq Fu truly are.)
The Nerd: This game falls between the asscrack of basketball fans and fighting game fans. It doesn't please anybody. I also gotta mention that there also used to be a website dedicated to finding and destroying every cartridge of this game. It's that bad. Now - I can go into depth and describe the controls and every last detail why this game is so God-awful, but, I don't even have to. The name says it all! The title doesn't even sound good! Shaq-Fu?! It's like a joke. I mean - just the fact that they can release a fighting game, starring Shaquille O'Neal, and call it Shaq Fu... pretty much proves that you could put "Fu" at the end of anything! How 'bout "Robin Williams Fu"? or "U2-Fu"? I mean, who came up with this shit?! WHAT, WERE THEY SMOKING CRACK UP THEIR ASS?!
The Nerd: Oh, Ghost, please. I can't stand it anymore! Ghost? Where are you?
(Scary music plays, as the final Ghost is about to enter the scene, and casts a shadow on The Nerd)
The Nerd: Oh my God! I know who you are! Dreadful apparition, why must you trouble me?! Why do you spirits walk the Earth, and... What do you WANT from me?!
(The Ghost turns out to be Dracula - the final boss from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest - who leads him to his living room in the future, where he sees himself as an old man playing the then-new Nintendo Wii console)
The Nerd: (in shock) Oh, my God.
Elderly Nerd: You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, it's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out, but lookin' at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bull-shit-fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. (The Nerd puts hat over his head) Now you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.
(Elderly Nerd blows the system and game disc, then puts it into the console.)
Woman: Hey, big fella. You look like the kind of man who can... handle himself.
Man: You look like the kind of woman I'd like to handle.
(Elderly Nerd laughs)
Soldier: How long have you been with the rebels?
Man: I'm not that kind of rebel, pal.
Soldier: I'm not your pal, you bastard guy!
(He laughs again and wheezes. In game, the main character walks through the grass and it only appears at close range due to technical limitations of the console)
Elderly Nerd: Oh, look at that. Look at all the grass growin'. Kinda like in Creepshow.
(The character then notices and beats down and shoots an enemy)
Elderly Nerd: Hey yo, stupid-ass! I'm right behind ya, fuck face. Kill 'em! Kill 'em!
Announcer: Kill him!
Elderly Nerd: Here you go! Uhh! Yea-oh, right in the balls!
(The character tries to get up, but can't due to him not knowing how the motion controls work)
Elderly Nerd: FUCK! The control is fuckin' awful!
(The Old Nerd then brings out another Wii game)
Elderly Nerd: Now it's time for Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz.
Announcer: Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz!
Elderly Nerd: (mocking announcer) Oh - and that "Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz"! (Elderly Nerd coughs)
(He skips straight past the main game to play the motion-controlled party minigames)
Elderly Nerd: Alright, now despite being a pretty good game, there's the party games. And instead of just having a few really good ones, they just have a whole bunch of really shitty ones! They just suck, should I say, monkey fuck?
(The minigame "Shepherd" is shown)
Elderly Nerd: I mean, this doesn't even have anything to do with the monkeys, you're just a fuckin' dog goin' around tryin' to move the... fuckin' "sheeps" off the screen.
(Meemee the monkey then collects falling fruit into glass containers)
Elderly Nerd: Ahh, it's fruit! Yeah, get the fruit in the basket! It's fruit! This is the worst fuckin' thing ever.
(The next game involves using motion controls to make a robot frog jump up stairs, which he fails to do properly)
Elderly Nerd: Look at this. Move! Move, GODDAMN IT! What--Look at this! God-Man-UCK-ITCH-ASS-SHIT-- What a shitload of f-- What were they THINKI-?! I'd rather drink DIARRHEA SAUCE!
(The third and final Wii game is shown off, EA's title Boogie)
Elderly Nerd: Alright! It's time to BOOGIE! Boogie! Boogie-Boogie-Boogie-Boogie!
(Elderly Nerd plays the game to a cover of "Walking on Sunshine", making his "Boog" character jump around and dance to the beat, by dancing around himself and shaking the Wii Remote and Nunchuck)
Singer: '♫ ...Cause I just can't wait till you write me you're coming around / I'm walking on sunshine, wooah! / I'm walking on sunshine, woooah! And don't it feel good! ♫
(At the end of the song's chorus, Elderly Nerd suffers a fatal back injury and heart attack before collapsing on the ground dead, with the present Nerd terrified seeing exactly how he is destined to die.)
The Nerd: Spirit, please, have mercy! I can't stand to look at this anymore!
(The Nerd looks at his own grave at shock as the ghost of Christmas future presumably laughs)
The Nerd: NOOOO! NOOO! NOO! NO!
(The Nerd looks back on games and events from the past two years, along with flashbacks with his own past, including a scene of the Glitch Gremlin and Super Mecha Death Christ. Then the camera zooms back to the Nerd still yelling "NO!" before waking up, realising that everything he saw was a dream, just like how Scrooge's dream. He gets up and starts feeling happy and glad like him as well.)
The Nerd: It's Christmas! (Laughing happily) I haven't missed it! (Laughs more happily) (angrily at Double Dragon for Sega Master System) You little shitload of fuck! (happily) It's Christmas! What a GLORIOUS Christmas Day! (Laughs even more happily)
(He walks up to his SNES collection)
The Nerd: Look at all these games. Look at all these games! I think I'm gonna play... Super Mario World!
(He starts it up and Mario runs through the game's first level)
The Nerd: Fuck yeah, this game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on.
(Suddenly, the smile disappears and he finally turns off the Super Nintendo, and ejects Super Mario World.)
The Nerd: Man, fuck that! Let's play some shitty ones!
(He holds up a Virtual Boy, then the credits roll with the Mickey's Christmas Carol remix, and ending with the Angry Video Game Nerd theme again)