(Remixed Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays)
The Nerd: Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman... on Commodore 64.
The Nerd: Yeah, that's what you mean, right? The Commodore 64? It was one of the best selling home computers from the 80's. The games came on floppy disks. Remember those? The ones that actually are floppy? (The Nerd flops the "Superman: The Man of Steel" Commodore 64 floppy disk around.)
The Nerd: Let's pop this fucker in, turn this son of a bitch on, and play some Superman. Well this is the startup screen; you never know what to do unless you have the instructions. You gotta type LOAD"*",8,1 and then Return. And then it goes to black, and a few seconds later it says NOW LOADING SUPERMAN. At least that lets you know you did it right, but then you gotta wait for the piece of shit to load.
The Nerd: You remember those early CD-based game consoles like the PlayStation, and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it.
The Nerd: Then the title screen starts up with the music and you're like, "WOW!" But wait! What the hell's this? "Type in the character that appears in column:09 row:10"? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT?!
The Nerd: So you pick your difficulty, and then guess what? It's gotta load again! 54 seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic-book storyline thing, and then- (game loads again) YOU SON OF A BITCH.
The Nerd: Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before. The controller's a piece of fuck, but at least it's one of those kinds where you can plug in most of the Ataris or the Sega Genesis controller. Isn't that amazing?
The Nerd: The first level has a 3D perspective. The second level you're protecting a Space Shuttle from a bunch of asteroids. This one's more like a 2D shooter. The third level's like a side-scroller, so it has some variety. But this has gotta be one of the most annoying stages in video game history. Every time you get hit, ya fly back. (keeps getting hit) Fuck. Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! That's enough of this shit. (The Nerd gets up and turns off the Commodore 64)
Superman 64 (N64)
The Nerd: But wait, this isn't what you wanna see, is it? Nah, you wanna see this, right? (the Nerd holds up the Superman Nintendo 64 cartridge) Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well I'm gonna do it, just for you. (close-up on his face) 'Cause I like ya a lot. (camera zooms out) Now don't take that too serious.
(inserts game into the N64)
(Title screen appears)
The Nerd: Well, the official title of the game is just Superman, but probably because of the Nintendo 64's tradition of putting 64 at the end of so many titles, it's no wonder that it got that reputation. The first thing that bothers me is the stock music. (stock music plays) Why not the Superman theme? Y'know, the John Williams one? Why don't any of these games have that?!
The Nerd: Immediately as the game begins, you have to start flyin' through rings. I don't even have any time to get used to the control. You'd think that as soon as the game starts, you'd have a little free range; you know, to fly around and explore? But no, you gotta fly through rings! And you can't fuck up. If you miss more than... I think three? I don't know, sometimes it's two, and sometimes it's four, so I'm not sure. But basically, if you miss a few of these rings, you go back to the beginning. ("Lex Wins" game over screen appears)
The Nerd: And you keep trying it over and over till you get it right, and on top of that, there's a time limit! And being that this is the first part of the game, you'd think that the time limit would be a little lenient? But NO! It gives you just barely enough time to get through all these rings. You gotta be perfect.
The Nerd: Looks like I'm doin' a real shitty job, but the control is awful. You have to be very specific with the joystick, or else Superman takes a dive in the wrong direction. And then when you try to make a sharp turn, he just goes all over the place.
The Nerd: You all probably know better than I, and it goes without saying, but this game... is HORRENDOUS! And you know what the most pathetic thing about it is? This game isn't even ten years old! (zooms in on "1999" on the title screen) Just barely; you'd think by 1999 there'd be some kind of quality standard.
(Superman gets stuck under a bridge)
The Nerd: What? I'm stuck? How the hell am I stuck?! I'm underneath the bridge! (makes Superman look like he's masturbating) Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.
The Nerd: So, naturally, when a game gives you a time limit, you're in a hurry. You can't approach any of these rings with care and patience; you gotta keep moving. If you miss a ring, you have the option to turn around and try to get it again, so there's no strike against you unless you skip to the next ring, so basically you have to go through all the rings in order. But if you miss one, the time it takes you to turn your ass around and go back through, you already wasted too much time, so it's almost the same as just missing the ring.
The Nerd: You have to keep flying. If you stop and bullshit around, then you're not gonna make the time limit. (Superman flies off course) See? I just fucked around too much, so I might as well just give up and kill myself. You see that building? I'm just gonna crash into it.
(runs into the building, and Superman gets stuck, slowly sliding down the side)
The Nerd: Well that didn't do a damn thing. You mean you can't die? Well, absolutely not. You're just stuck in limbo until the time runs out. The only thing worse than an impossibly bad game, is not even being able to kill yourself.
(Superman punches in a weird fashion)
The Nerd: What's with the punching? Do I actually get to punch people somewhere in this shitload fuck of a game? I guess I'll never find out, but why are these punches so awkward? (The Nerd imitates the awkward punching: Hunh! Hunh!)
The Nerd: (gets stuck on a wall, but is nowhere near the wall) You gotta be kidding me! I'm stuck again?! I'm nowhere near the wall- (zooms in to where Superman is stuck) Look how much room, look how much room! How can I be stuck when there's SO MUCH ROOM?!
The Nerd: 15 seconds, and I'm almost there. Almost there- (misses a ring) Ah, fuck, missed a ring! (gets Game Over) Aw, come on! Can't even give me one more chance?
(Superman flies down to the ground, and looks like he's doing exercises)
The Nerd: Oh man, what is he doin'? Exercises?! This is so ridiculous. This game isn't just bad... it's REALLY bad! I'm not even kiddin' around, IT'S FUCKIN' HORSESHIT!
The Nerd: (is almost at the end of the first stage) Almost there. Less than ten seconds. Come on, I can just barely make it! Look, there's the last ring- (misses a ring, and loses) FUCK! ASS, BITCH, CUNT, FART! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! There was only one ring left!
The Nerd: Oh, this is ass. This is really ass. Oh look, this time I'm gonna do it! It's four seconds! Shit, yeah! (game displays the "Lex Wins" screen, then the Nerd yells in frustration) NO! That didn't count?!
The Nerd: So finally when I get past the rings, the instructions flash on screen and then go away. What did it say? Somethin' about cars? You're not even given enough time to read it! (time runs out) Oh, it's over already? (stammers) What was I supposed to do? (gets sent back to the first stage)
Superman: Then there's no time to waste!
The Nerd: What?! I don't even get to try again? I'm back at the FUCKIN' RINGS again?! I can't believe I'm playing a Superman game where all ya do is fly through rings!
The Nerd: At first I thought this was the training mode; yeah, you know, like to test your accuracy? Lots of games have that. Remember Star Fox on the Super Nintendo? ("Star Fox" footage is shown) There's a training mode where you have to fly through rings. But even then you don't have to go through all the rings, it's about how many you can get through in a row. In the actual game, you're flyin' around shootin' at enemies and dodging obstacles.
The Nerd: (cuts back to "Superman 64") So what the hell is this shit?! You should be fighting bad guys! Not testing your flight skills with some of the worst control accuracy ever in a video game! But it actually does have a practice mode. Out of curiosity, I tried it out just to see what it is, and guess what it is? (Superman flies through some rings) Goin' through rings. Yeah, what'd you expect?
The Nerd: So, once again I'm at the next part, the message flashes on the screen for barely a second, and then you have six seconds to do... whatever. (the Nerd fails the mission) Fuck! Back to the rings again.
The Nerd: You know, if I had two consecutive chances I might be able to figure it out, but instead, I'm too surprised when I finally get there to act in six seconds and with no time to read what it's telling me to do. And am I really doing this? Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That's like if they made a Batman game where all he does is just play hopscotch. (drawing of Batman really playing hopscotch shown)
Superman: This looks like a job for Superman.
The Nerd: Okay, time for the 6-second car stage again. (Superman flies to the ground, and he gets stuck) Get off. GET OFF! Here we go, got the car. Now what? Oh, the timer reset to 11, that's weird. But what do I do with the car? Okay, so there's another car comin', can I stop it? Oh, this is the shits. This is the shits.
The Nerd: Basically, you gotta pick up both of these cars and throw 'em before they hit the people. But guess what's after that? More rings! And after that, you gotta pick up a police car and carry it to the goal. I'm startin' to notice a pattern here. You go through rings, pick up cars, go through rings and pick up cars!
The Nerd: So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, (a big blue question mark appears) I want you to just take a guess what comes after this.
(the footage from the game shows yet another stage of rings)
The Nerd: More rings. Yeah! What kinda game is this?! Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly LOATHSOME! It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it; this is a job for the Fuckin' Nerd!
(a rock version of the Superman theme plays as the Nerd takes off his shirt, turning into the Super Nerd, and flies up into space with the game and throws the Superman 64 cartridge into the Sun, blowing up the cartridge)