The Nerd: But anyway, what can be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheroes of all time. Even the word "Super"'s in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine magnificence.
Superman (Atari 2600)
(shows footage of the Atari "Superman" game)
The Nerd: Yeah... this sucks. But I'm not gonna critique the graphics or the sound or anything like that; i-it's just that, you know... eh, wha... what? Like, seriously, what's goin' on? From what I understand, you start off as Clark Kent, which is pointless. You just walk to the right, a bridge explodes because of Lex Luthor, so you go back to the phone booth and you turn into Superman, and the rest of the game you're just flyin' around lookin' for all the pieces of this bridge.
The Nerd: You also have to carry a bunch of bad guys off to jail. And if you get hit by Kryptonite - yeah, Kryptonite - you lose the ability to fly, which can only be regained if you touch Lois Lane. There's no way to die. The whole game is based around the clock. It's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happen is you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!
The Nerd: The navigation is dreadful. If you fly up, you just see more buildings, and that makes sense, right? On the top of the buildings are more buildings, and it just keeps on going. There doesn't even seem to be any boundaries, everything just repeats. If you press the button and move the joystick around, it shows you all the screens around you. Yeah, it's like X-Ray Vision, that is if X-Ray Vision means seeing into the next imaginary Atari space. Have you ever heard of an Atari game that needs a map? Well, this is one of 'em, but to tell you the truth, I don't think it would help because nothing makes any sense. Like right here, I just keep goin' up, and all it does is just change colors. I can't figure this out.
The Nerd: So let's move on to the NES. A Superman game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, how could you go wrong?
The Nerd: Well, first of all, you get this lousy music which isn't even the Superman theme. Then the Statue of Liberty starts talkin' to you. Can somebody explain this to me? Is there any reason why the Statue of Liberty has to talk to Superman?! "I'll watch over you"? Is it a guardian angel or somethin'? Is there somethin' I don't know? Like, what kind of drugs were they takin' when they came up with this shit?!
The Nerd: So again, you start off as Clark Kent and you're at the Daily Planet talkin' to people. "Hi, Clark! Your favorite Cub reporter Jimmy here. Say cheese. ..........click." Okay, what was the point of that? You know, it's really annoying that there isn't any way to cancel these dialog boxes or speed them up.
The Nerd: And why is everyone wearing green? Is it St. Patrick's Day or somethin'? Why are the telephones as big as the desk? Or, hell, why are they half as big as the people? Or no, if they're in the background, that makes 'em even bigger. What a strange looking office, and who wants to play as Clark Kent anyway?
The Nerd: The first real problem is tryin' to get used to the controls. It's another one of those games where Up is jump. And why do you jump so high? I mean, look at this! If somebody actually jumped like that, it would be like 20 feet in the air. I know he's Superman, but if he's tryin' to be Clark Kent, he can at least act like it. But anyway, the B button does nothing and the A button just fidgets around. What's wrong with him? If you do it in the air, he like floats. (Clark Kent twitches about in a weird fashion) Oh my God! Somebody call an exorcist!
The Nerd: So your main objective at this point is just get out of this room. You go out the door, right? Well, of course it seems pretty obvious but, take a guess how to open the door. Seriously, take a wild guess. B? No. A? No. Start? No. Select? No. Up? No. Up only jumps, so you have to hit Down. I never heard of a game where Down goes through the door.
The Nerd: Alright, well, now we're really startin' to suck some shitballs. Right away there's people outside tryin' to kill you. I don't know what kind of grudge anyone would have against Clark Kent. But anyway, you go into this phone booth and turn into Superman. What is this?! This is the most pathetic excuse for Superman I've ever seen! On the title screen, he looks okay, but why in the game does he look like this?
The Nerd: Your basic attack is some kind of weird close-range fireball, I don't know; I think he's supposed to be punching people, but it's just weird. Then you have a menu with special super powers, each with their own energy bar, much like in Mega Man. Most of these special attacks don't seem to do anything. I assume that there's specific parts in the game where they all come in handy, but for now, I really don't know what to do with any of 'em.
The Nerd: If you use Super Flight, all it does is make Superman fly up into the air. You watch that for a little bit and then he comes back down. So, okay, what was that all about? I found certain spots where if I use it there, then he'll fly over the city and end up at another part of the game. Now I'm sure that that's what you're supposed to do, but I'm still not sure why sometimes he just goes up and comes back down, so I haven't really figured that out, and honestly, I don't care.
The Nerd: You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?! It's like: "Yeah, we know you're tryin' to save the city, but you still need to pay for your ride." Why does he even need to use the subway? Can't he just fly?! Why go underground? That's the complete opposite of flying. That's like if Spider-Man wanted to go from building to building, he'd just go down to ground level and then just walk. That's the stupidest idea I ever heard! And when you eventually get a ticket and ride the subway, why is Superman so small compared to everyone else? Is he a 5-year-old kid? It's kinda creepy, these tall guys in shadow, it's like, watch out, or they might be kidnappers. Why are they dark anyway? They don't look like anyone else in the game.
The Nerd: Speakin' of which, none of the people in this game have anything interesting to say. Here's just one random spot, so let's take a look and just see what people have to say here. "Got any news?" Okay, well, that was real informative. Let's see what he has to say. "I know nothing at all." (Chuckles) Well that sums it all up! Alright, well, let's just talk to one more guy. Oh, get the Roman number II, whatever that does. "Hey! What are you doing?" (chuckles) You see? I rest my case. There's no reason to talk to anybody.
The Nerd: It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The whole game is full of people who tell ya things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you "not to look into the Death Star, or you'll die". Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must've been the year of people talkin' and not makin' sense in video games.
The Nerd: "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did actually, and it's nothing like this garbage! So I'm just runnin' around without much of a clue where I'm supposed to go. I'm killin' these weird green-headed alien sort of things, I don't know. (Groans) And that music. (the Nerd imitates the annoying music)
The Nerd: Then I finally come to some kind of boss character. A woman, I guess, with a whip and a deformed head. So I'm tryin' my best, but the control is so awkward and I just keep getting hit. And if your super power meter gets low enough, you turn back into Clark Kent, which is annoying, but at least you can still fight. So I stay back and I keep usin' that punch attack, and finally she dies and we get the newspaper headline saying "Superman defeats Zod Gang". Uhhhhh, wait a minute. The Zod Gang? If you've seen the movie Superman II you probably know who General Zod is. That's not Zod. You mean her? Zod Gang? Where's the rest of 'em? I don't know.
The Nerd: But anyway... wh-what? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just the "Daily Planet"? I don't know, I've had enough with this! Wait a minute. "Stock market panic! Stock prices fall!"? What - are we talkin' about stocks now?! "Find out why stock prices have fallen." "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh my God. Do you remember bein' a kid? You remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books, video games, uh... the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fuckin' stock market?! Just... just... w-w-why? W-w-why make a game that has anythin' to do with stocks or taxes or politics?! You just don't do that! It's like, what were they thinking?! Stocks?! I just can't, I-I just.... (blows raspberry) Ugh, God! I just...what a shitload of fuck.
The Nerd: That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained! I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Cannot be done justice! If you wanna play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning, you will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I wanna continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no reason I would ever need this password, and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fuckin' playin' this game again in my life! (the Nerd chucks the game out the window and it lands in a tree)
The Nerd: That's it, Superman is doomed! What is it about Superman that just spells "SHIT"? It's like they couldn't make a good Superman game. But there's one in particular that everybody wants me to review.
The Nerd: So here's a typical MySpace message. "and that game is... -drum roll- -dramatic silence- superman 64" "you should do a review on e.t. or superman64" "I have a special demand no, a BIG DEMAND. Do you think you can play more than four minutes of one of the worst N64 games ever? calling: SUPERMAN!" "I'd love to see you review "Superman" on the N64." "Could you review Superman for the Nintendo 64?" "dude u should comment on superman 64" "Ever heard of Superman 64..." "you should review...(gulps)..Superman 64" "I really think you should consider either ET for the Atari or superman 64..." "play or make a video of Superman 64" "Can u do a review of Superman 64 on AVGN? So plz do a review of superman 64." "That's Right; SUPERMAN 64." "Do you need a copy of Superman 64?" "I'll donate Superman 64" "I think he should do Superman 64." "wanted to know if you ever played superman 64" "Superman for the N64" "superman on the N64." "Superman 64," "superman 64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64," "SUPERMAN64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64" "superman 64." "superman64" "superman 64"!
(the Nerd is shocked)
The Nerd: Well... damn! Well you want it? You got it! Next review is gonna be: Superman 64. (audience cheers and applauds for the Nerd. WOW, they really wanted it!)