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Rocky and Bullwinkle (NES) Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 126

(Day 5 of "Twelve Days of Shitsmas". The Nerd opens up a present to reveal the Rocky and Bullwinkle video game as he stares in surprise.)

The Nerd: Rocky and Bullwinkle on NES, based on the cartoon... um... the cartoon about a moose and a squirrel. (Laughs) Do I have to see everything?! (The Nerd pops the game into the Nintoaster and turns it on)

The Nerd: So here's the game, it starts up with one of the most godawful music loops you'll ever hear come out of your NES. No, really, listen to how short this loop is. (The Nerd scowls while listening to the music  and does a "come on" motion once the music starts and it loops again. He sighs and shakes his head) All I can say is, I'm a moose throwin' bombs. (Bullwinkle throws bombs at Boris Badenov) EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWIN' BOMBS!

The Nerd: Unfortunately, the bombs run out, so all you're left with is this charging attack, but the attack drains your own power meter. You can't hurt anything without hurting yourself. What kind of crap is that?! So I wasted all this time tryin' to kill this guy, until I realized you can just hop over him. Yeah, you just go past him. Thanks for wasting my time. (Bullwinkle goes through the door onto the next level)

The Nerd: Next, you come to a room full of stairs. It's a small room which seems to be a dead end. Where do I go? Down here? (Bullwinkle jumps down the waterfall and dies) Nope. Maybe I should try that random stairway that looks like it goes nowhere. (Bullwinkle goes up the stairway and goes onto the next screen as The Nerd stares in disbelief and shock, blinks and starts to become irritated) Oh, come on! All the other stairways go up 'til they're off-screen. Why does this first stairway happen to be so special, that it stops in mid-air and magically transports you to the next screen? It was a stairway to nothing, that somehow happened to be a stairway to something. I hate these mice, I hate 'em. They're too fast to hit with your bombs. 

(The mouse continuously hits Bullwinkle)

The Nerd: Ugh! Come on, it's just a mouse! How does a little tiny mouse beat the shit out of a big fuckin' moose? Bullwinkle is so big and awkward, everywhere you go, you get hit constantly. Even if something touches your antlers, it takes damage. The hit detection box is a big rectangle; even if you try taking it slow, you can't squeeze through these obstacles. It's like tryin' to drive a tank through a grocery store aisle.

The Nerd: You can switch to Rocky, who is much smaller. This makes things a lot easier, except that Rocky can't walk up steps. If only it was Rocky Balboa, he'd go up the damn steps! Why would that be a special ability? Think of all the video game characters that have special moves. Y'know, (the game footages shows on every clip from Super Mario Bros. 2, Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse, and Donkey Kong Country 2)  Princess Toadstool can float, Grant can climb walls, Dixie Kong can spin her hair, Bullwinkle can... go up stairs?! Rocky can fly, which you'll need to do in order to reach over some of these wide gaps, but there's no clear indication of what you can land on and what you can't. (Rocky falls through a platform and dies.) 

The Nerd: I tried putting in a code for a level warp just so I can give you a quick peek ahead, but it makes the game glitch. This is the kind of glitching you would see if you were doin' somethin' with Game Genie, but this is just a normal code that comes with the real game. (Bullwinkle floats from the top of the screen and comes up the bottom) What happened?

The Nerd: Look at the graphics here. Looks like King Kong splashed his ass all over the place. And just when you thought the music couldn't get any worse... (Ear-piercing music is heard as The Nerd screams, cringes and covers his ears) Oh my God! I didn't even know the NES was capable of producing such an ear-piercing sound! That's awful! UGH! Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty e-everything! Fuckin' big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! (normal voice) More like, BULL FUCKIN' SHIT!

(The Nerd reaches for the tiny Day 6 gift)