(Day 4 of "Twelve Days of Shitsmas". The Nerd opens up a present to reveal the Ren & Stimpy: Fire Dogs video game.)
Ren & Stimpy: Fire Dogs. Okay, making a Ren & Stimpy game that's worthy of the TV show is a tall order. The show was like Looney Tunes on crack. It was like they took The Three Stooges but just Moe and Larry, made Larry a cat and made Moe a psychopathic chihuahua and gave him a voice like Peter Lorre, specifically from his rant at the end of The Maltese Falcon. It was ingenious! The show was so crazy that when it was on in the '90s, I didn't even know what to make of it!
(Pulling out the game cartridge from the case) Do the games hold up? That's a whole other story. There were four of them on the Super NES: Time Warp, Veediots!, Buckeroo$! and Fire Dogs. These games actually made a good attempt at capturing the random humor from the show, and the graphics and animation are spot-on. You take Ren for example, who on the show is a flexible character of a thousand facial expressions and body shapes. They could've taken him in any direction and gone off in a completely different tangent, but the looks they gave him are just like the looks you see on him in the show. Unfortunately, every one of these games is plagued with flaws that ruin the experience. (Ren struggles to pass a fence in the Time Warp gameplay) Whether it be a fence that won't cooperate, (Ren is seen slapping a bulldog several times) or taking a million slaps to defeat a dog. (The Nerd continues to slap the dog) Slappin' a dog, slappin' a dog. (The Nerd continues to slap the dog several times, scowling at the screen. Eventually he defeats the dog, which explodes into coins. The Nerd shakes his head in disappointment.)
The Fire Dogs game is loosely based on a specific episode of the show. Here in the game, you take control of Stimpy and have to collect firefighting equipment and bring it all back to the fire engine. You know, all the ordinary firefighting equipment like a helmet, boots, hose, a beaver... you know. (Ren is shown lying on the top bunk of a bunk bed in the level) Ren sits it out and does nothing to help. Again, the humor is spot-on. So you have to run around the place sliding up fire poles, yes, sliding UP fire poles. (A screen is shown of a firefighter choking Ren and Stimpy which reads "I've had it up to here with you guys!") The firefighters apparently don't want any of your help at all. If you run into these guys, it's over. They pound you. One hit, and ya have to start all over again. You can pick up fire extinguishers and if one of these guys is in your way or you get trapped in a corner, you can give them a squirt to stun them. But it doesn't last long at all. It only gives you one brief moment to get past them. Come on... come on, spray the firefighter with the fire extinguisher! Come on...mon...mon...mon...mon... come on! (Stimpy sprays the firefighter with the extinguisher and passes by, but struggles to get down the staircase) Come on, come on, come on! (The firefighter recovers and goes after Stimpy, who runs towards a wall) Wrong way! Wrong way! (The firefighter pounds Stimpy) Ahh! Come on!
The only practical way to get around the firefighters is to find dalmatian paint, which actually follows the show. In the episode, Ren and Stimpy are looking for food and shelter, so they apply to be fire dogs so they can stay in the fire department. But the fire department only takes dalmatians, so they have to disguise themselves in dalmatian paint. The fire extinguishers and paint cans are always in different places every time you restart the game, so you have to get lucky. And if you walk under the water sprinklers, it washes the paint off. The items that you need to collect to bring back to the fire engine are all in fixed locations but even if you get good at it, and know where all of them are, there's nothing you can do about (Zoom in on the timer) the time limit. This is the fatal flaw. It gives you barely enough time, even if you're running all the way. It's only the first stage, but it's going to take lots of trial and error and a lot of luck. You have to do it all in one session too; once the timer runs out, everything starts over. You'd think there'd be an item that gives you some time back, but I've never found any such thing. Waiting for the water sprinklers always slows you down, and for some reason I'm having lots of trouble with the stairs. (The Nerd struggles to get Stimpy down the stairs) Get down the stairs! Down the stairs! Come on! (Stimpy finally goes down the stairs)
And when you get back to the fire engine, you have to stand in a specific spot for each item and select them one at a time. Why does everything have to be so tedious? You only get 2 minutes and 14 seconds to do everything. Then you have to find Ren and collect kitty litter... while the timer is still ticking down! But thankfully, this part is just a bonus.
Then you go to the next stage, where Ren and Stimpy are using a life net to save people from the burning buildings. But wait, it's not people, it's just a bunch of... clocks, sand wagons, books, sculpture busts, TVs, chickens, and bricks? What the fuck's goin' on up there? Who's droppin' this shit? Where'd they get so many? Anyway, this goes on for 4 minutes, 50 seconds, and then the game ends. (Mr. Horse is thrown off the roof and lands on Ren and Stimpy's life net, but his heavy weight sends them all through a hole in the street and is shown on top of them in the ground as the Nerd looks confused)
What, I didn't save enough bricks and clocks? I didn't miss that many. So I'm assuming you have to have a 100% accuracy. I don't know, the game's shit; in the words of Mr. Horse, "No Sir, I don't like it". (The Nerd reaches for the Day 5 gift)