Pepsiman (PS1) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
(The Yo! Noid NES title screen appears, along with the Nerd on-screen to the right)
Kyle Justin: (singing) He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
The Nerd: The '90s was arguably one of the best times for video games. Yet, so many new consoles coming out and with junk food being popular and already advertising to kids, they decide to jump on the bandwagon and start making their own video games.
The Nerd: Most food companies just stuck to TV commercials; Got Milk, Fruit Stripe Gum, Lunchables, and of course, Mentos: The Freshmaker. Those companies didn't have to make video games, but guess who did! Cheetos (Chester Cheetah Too Cool To Fool), McDonald's (M.C. Kids) and Domino's Pizza who created Yo! Noid. What the deal with the Noid? What kind of drugged-up fever dreams spawned this mutilated mascot monstrosity? It's a creepy guy wearing a red rabbit suit! And why does he ruin pizzas? What were they thinking?
The Nerd: Most junk food games were just a bunch of business bullshit from the wasted imaginations from all the corporate fat cats. So, get out your pooper scooper and let's dig out this piss litter of a game!
(The Nerd goes out from the futon and we cut into a litter box inside of a Yo! Noid game box, filled with cat poop and litter. Set to the Yo! Noid title screen music, He takes out the Yo! Noid game on a litter box with a cleaning scooper. Then, the Nerd goes back to the game room and we see Pepsiman sitting on the futon)
The Nerd: Oh, what the fuck! (Pepsiman nods) You scared the shit out of me. Not this shit, actual shit! Listen, i gotta play this game, you gotta get out here.
(Pepsiman screams as the camera zooms in on the Yo! Noid game. He then raises his hand, the soda fizzes, and the Yo! Noid game gets transformed into the Pepsiman PS1 game)
The Nerd: Huh, what? DRINK!? How do you play DRINK!? What kind of title is that? (Pepsiman shrugs while the Nerd looks at the game cover) The back is in Japanese, and the side has the title in Japanese and then the other side has it in English. Pepsiman. Pepsiman?
(The part of the Pepsiman jingle plays repeatedly as the Pepsiman poses)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN! (The Nerd looks at the game again) PEPSIMAN!
The Nerd: Pepsiman?
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
The Nerd: Okay, So Pepsiman is this weird T-1000-looking Japanese Pepsi mascot who helps people by magically turning things into Pepsi. In all his TV commercials, he's a bumbling idiot who stumbles around, smashes into windows, and transforms into... a cactus? Even though he was only marketed in Japan, All his commercials take place in the U.S.A. He even starred in his own video game, and was also featured as an unlockable character in the Japanese version of Fighting Vipers for the Sega Saturn. To unlock him, all you gotta do is lose the first fight. Never seen that before. You lose to unlock a character??
The Nerd: Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like i could play like Cool Spot. (The Cool Spot Genesis game transforms into the Pepsiman game) Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play Chester Cheetah! (The Chester Cheetah Genesis game transforms into the Pepsiman game again to the left) Ugh! Well how 'bout uh... Big Bumpin? (The Burger King Big Bumpin' Xbox 360 game transforms the Pepsiman game to the right again) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... Kool-Aid Man? (The Kool-Aid Man Intellivision game transforms the Pepsiman game to the left again) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play Pepsiman! (Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly) Okay, jeez! I'll play Pepsiman!
(Cut to the AVGN title card, with the Nerd and the Pepsiman running on-screen)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
The Nerd: Well, in the chance that you were lookin' forward to Cool Spot, or Yo! Noid, can't play 'em because they're all Pepsiman now. Everything I want to play is Pepsiman. Yeah, well, I guess let's pop this corporate cock fuck in.
(Nerd puts in the Pepsiman game disc in the PS2, The screen cuts into the intro.)
The Nerd: The intro starts with this live-action cutscene of a guy buying a Pepsi, as he drinks it, you hear the shrill shriek of Pepsiman set to surf music.
(Guy drinks Pepsi)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
(Guy stares into the Pepsi, The screen later zooms into the opened hole.)
The Nerd: And then he stares into the can.
(The screen cuts back to The Nerd and Pepsiman)
The Nerd: Okay so is... Pepsiman... in the can now? I- I don't even get it, I mean, th-this is fucking stupid. I'm not playing-
(Pepsiman hisses menacingly at the Nerd, shocking him.)
The Nerd: OKAY! OKAY! I'll play it! I'll play it!
(The screen goes back to the game, with Pepsiman running into the title.)
The Nerd: Next, we see Pepsiman running down a street to nowhere, as he crashes face-first into the game's logo. The hell's wrong with this mascot?! Chester Cheetah was cool, Cool Spot had "Cool" in his name, but Pepsiman? He's not cool at all! He doesn't make me want to drink a Pepsi! Makes me wanna drink a FUCKIN' BEER!
(The Nerd holds up a bottle of Rolling Rock, but Pepsiman lifts his hand, transforming The Nerd's beer into a bottle of Pepsi, annoying The Nerd)
The Nerd: WHAT?! I said, it makes me want to drink, A FUCKIN' BEER!
(The Nerd holds up another bottle of beer, but, Pepsiman turns it into another bottle of Pepsi as well.)
The Nerd: OH, COME ON!! Alright!
(The Nerd holds up another last beer, but Pepsiman finally transforms the beer into a bottle of Pepsi, Making The Nerd give up, and scoff in irritation. The screen later goes back to the game, starting it with the TV Guy getting lots of Pepsi from his fridge, and bags of snacks.)
The Nerd: Wow! That's a lot of Pepsi, I bet his bowel movements are like tar and colon foam!
TV Guy: Hey, let's start the game!
(TV Guy walks in front of the screen, starting The first level with a small cutscene of Pepsiman running towards a man with a flat tire.)
The Nerd: So, the first level starts off with Pepsiman meeting a truck driver with a flat tire.
Truck Driver: There are a bunch of people gathered in front of the vending machine! They want Pepsi! And the word is that they're just about to riot!
The Nerd: Really? They'll riot? Why is Pepsi such a big deal here? Is that one vending machine the only place to get a Pepsi in this town??
(The screen cuts into the game's game-play, Pepsiman runs, collects Pepsi cans.)
The Nerd: I mean, There's Pepsi everywhere! It's laying all over the streets! You can get one anywhere! So, Pepsiman runs around, collecting Pepsi, while dodging cars, pedestrians, pogo jackhammer fucks, chuds, and this garbage man who's being an asshole! Look, they wait for him at the intersection, and then start launching garbage out the truck! DICKS! Pepsiman doesn't give any shits either, he'll run right through your house. Hell, he'll even run right into you, and send you flying through your kitchen wall!
(The game shows Pepsiman running into a man, causing the man fly through his window and knocking out Pepsiman. The screen cuts into The Nerd and Pepsiman afterward.)
The Nerd: That guy's probably dead.
(Pepsiman nods in agreement. The screen resumes back to the game.)
The Nerd: This part reminds me of the chase scene in Raising Arizona, but instead of Nicolas Cage, it's Pepsiman, and instead of Huggies, it's Pepsis.
(Pepsiman goes through a shed, ending up with a trashcan on his upper-half)
The Nerd: Here, you crash through a shed and end up with a trash can on your head, which makes your controls opposite. Yeah. Finally, I get to the end of the level and he buys a Pepsi from a vending machine. Why don't the people go to this one at the Kid & Kids store? Instead of rioting like a bunch of Pepsi-crazed freaks? And why does Pepsiman buy a Pepsi when he just collected 94 Pepsis?! AND WHY CAN'T I GO ONE GOD DAMN SENTENCE WITHOUT SAYING "PEPSI"?!?!
(The screen cuts back to The Nerd and Pepsiman)
The Nerd: Mm-Hmm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous!
(As The Nerd tries to leave, Pepsiman grabs him, pulling him back to the futon. The Nerd grunts and Pepsiman hisses him at the face.)
The Nerd: Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos!
(The Nerd pulls up a bar of Mentos, Pepsiman screams at the sight of the Mentos, and runs away in fear.)
The Nerd: Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
(Shows a close-up of The Nerd with Mentos With the Mentos logo.)
Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker!
(The screen returns back into the game)
The Nerd: [sigh] Well, fuck it. I'll just keep goin'! So in level 2, there's this radical skateboard part. It sucks! The controls feel stiff, and one hit kills you, I guess it makes sense. If you were riding a skateboard down the hills and crashed into a trolley, you'd be dead.
The Nerd: Now a moving company is trying to kill Pepsiman too?! They're just driving with the truck wide open, launching furniture at 'im! THAT'S SOMEONE'S FURNITURE!
The Nerd: Imagine if you hire a moving company to load up all your furniture, and you get to the new house, and then it arrives, the van is empty, and you're like: "Hey! Where the hell is all my furniture?" And they say: "Oh yeah yeah, yeah, we saw Pepsiman on the way over, and, uh, we had to just chuck it all at him. Yeah. That'll be $500."
(The screen then cuts to a scene of the rioters.)
The Nerd: So finally, you make it to the rioters who are goin' apeshit by this Pepsi machine! This one's at a different Kid & Kid's Store, and this one lady's biting her shirt or something, and this guy's jackin' off! Pepsiman gives them Pepsi and all is well!
(Crowd in the game cheers)
The Nerd: That is, until the Pepsi truck smashes into you, sending you into a Pepsi billboard with a giant Pepsi can that rolls after you, Indiana Jones-style. Now I'm being chased. Yeah, this time I'm running towards the camera instead of away! Way to shake up the gameplay there. I hate this!
The Nerd: I wish I had something wittier to say, but there's really nothing, I mean, this game is just mindless... brain waste. Its- it's- it's an advertisment that's meant to push processed poison pissed outta Pepsiman's pee-hole!
(Pepsiman returns to the Nerd's room, waving his hand.)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
The Nerd: Speak of the devil, you're back. What's that you got there?
(Pepsiman holds up a bottle of Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: That's not Pepsi, That's... a Rolling Rock! An actual Rolling Rock!
(Pepsiman walks towards, and sits back on the futon, and gives The Nerd the Rolling Rock bottle)
The Nerd: Y'know what, Pepsiman's actually pretty cool. Cheers, buddy!
(As The Nerd takes a sip of the Rolling Rock, He feels a lackluster taste and spits out the "Rolling Rock" Which makes Pepsiman laugh at him, and The Nerd quickly realizes It was actually an old Crystal Pepsi.)
The Nerd: This isn't Rolling Rock! It's, it's NOT EVEN BEER! This is Crystal Pepsi! AND IT'S OLD! And- what is this?! From the 90's? It's all flat! Y'KNOW WHAT! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SHIT, AND YOUR GAME IS SHIT!
(Pepsiman stops laughing opens his mouth in shock, upon receiving The Nerd's feedback. After receiving, he puts his hand on his lips)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
(The screen returns to a cutscene The TV Game Guy drinking a Pepsi)
TV Guy: Have a Pepsi!
The Nerd: No thanks!
TV Guy: Next Stage! (Brings up a Pepsi logo with the text: "HAVE A PEPSI".)
The Nerd: So the next part, you gotta get to the top of a burning building. The firefighter can't get first aid to them in time, so of course, you bring them Pepsi! Oh yeah, I'm sure that'll help all the people trapped on the roof of a burning FUCKIN' BUILDING! Yeah! Treat their burns with some Pepsi! Thanks to Pepsiman!
(Pepsiman shrugs, before he nods in agreement, as the camera zooms in on him with flames emitting from the bottom of the lens)
Jingle (pitched down): PEPSIMAN!
(The second level begins, with Pepsiman running through a burning city.)
The Nerd: This level is horrifying. It's like society's final days, brought to you by Pepsi. This guy here smashes his car into a brick wall and explodes, but Pepsiman just runs by. (in mocking voice) "That guy's probably dead, but I gotta get those people Pepsi!"
The Nerd: So after traversing this urban hellscape, you get to this truck that keeps launching barrels. Yeah, I guess Donkey Kong's in there and he hates Pepsiman as much as I do. After that, you get to the most unsafe construction zone ever. Girders are falling apart, sections of the bridge are missing, these guys are just swingin' metal beams, and the bulldozers are just spinning around. What's happening here?
(Pepsiman makes it to the vending machine at the end of the level, and then falls down through a trapdoor into a sewer.)
The Nerd: Pepsiman stops to buy yet another Pepsi, and falls into one of my most hated video game cliches ever: the sewer level. This is where the shit graphics really shine. It's so dark that you can't see where you're goin'. There's pitfalls everywhere and the only reason I know they're there is because I fell into them fifty times. I feel like it'd be easier in real life to run through a sewer and collect Pepsi.
(Pepsiman runs into a wall.)
The Nerd: Right here, I swear you have no choice but to get hurt by this wall. There's no way to pass it, and even when you do, there's a narrow path you need to hit, or else you're startin' over.
(Pepsiman is now running through a subway.)
The Nerd: Another part that's bullshit is the subway section. I don't know what to do. There's a train comin' right at you with no time to avoid. I tried dodging it, but I get killed every time. Then after restarting the level like twelve times, I accidentally found the Dash function.
(Pepsiman activates the Dash function and runs faster, avoiding the train before it hits him.)
The Nerd: Yeah. Hitting Up and Square lets Pepsiman dash. How was I supposed to know that? On the control screen, it only shows Slide and Jump. Maybe it says it in the book, but... it's all Japanese!
(Screen cuts back to the Nerd and Pepsiman.)
The Nerd: At the rate I'm goin', I'll probably learn Japanese before I finish this game.
(The Nerd gets a phone call.)
The Nerd: Huh? (takes his cell phone out) Who's callin'?
(Pepsiman tries to take the phone away from him, as the Nerd resists.)
The Nerd: Oh come on, come on! Nobody's calling you!
(The Nerd gets his phone back and answers.)
The Nerd: Hello?
Caller: Hello. Is Pepsiman there?
The Nerd: (to Pepsiman) Oh, I guess it is for you. (begins to give him the phone)
Caller: No no no, don't give him the phone. You need to listen to me very carefully. You need to get out of there. Pepsiman is evil! He wants nothing more-
(Pepsiman lifts his hand, and transforms the phone into a can of Pepsi.)
The Nerd: Oh, come on! Don't you know how hard it is to find a good phone like this??
(Pepsiman poses.)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
(Screen returns to the game, as Pepsiman jumps onto the burning building.)
The Nerd: So finally, I reach the burning building and give the poor stranded people some Pepsi. Then I get chased by the truck from the Enter Sandman music video. It's basically the same as the giant Pepsi can from the first level. Just a bit harder. Eventually, Pepsiman turns down the road as the truck smashes through a building. It seems like no one in this world has value for human life. Just motherfuckin' Pepsi! Look at that! The truck smashes into something, and Pepsiman pays no mind and just keeps on running like Forrest Gump.
(The game cuts to the TV Guy, laughing hysterically while eating potato chips. He then takes a drink from his Pepsi can.)
TV Guy: Pepsi for TV Game! (laughs again as the game brings up a Pepsi logo with the text: "PEPSI FOR TV GAME.")
The Nerd: Not "video game"? "TV Game"?? (stammers) It makes sense. Yeah, from now on, I'm the Angry TV Game Nerd! (Pepsiman nods)
(The next level's cutscene plays, with Pepsiman running towards the next person asking for help.)
The Nerd: Here we go. On to the next disaster that requires Pepsi. This time, it's a motherfuckin' plane crash! Geez, there's lots of tragedy in this game. Thankfully, all the people are okay, but they need their Pepsi, goddammit!
The Nerd: So, you guessed it: more running. It's the same thing over and over. This time, you're going down a highway with traffic comin' on both sides. Which begs the question: why doesn't Pepsiman just run on the side of the road?? There's trucks, motorcycles, buffalo, and a bunch of rocks rolling. And no Rolling Rocks.
The Nerd: You get to the end, and Pepsiman once again buys a Pepsi at a vending machine. Y'know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
(Pepsiman hangs his head in shame.)
Jingle (pitched down): PEPSIMAN!
The Nerd: This next stage is a nightmare. After beating the desert, you run through the mine, where you can't see shit. How is anyone supposed to play this? There's pits everywhere, but good luck seeing 'em! It doesn't help that if you get a Game Over, you have to run through the desert part again. You're gonna be here for a bit. Each time I get a little further, and then die at whatever came next. This part is like really having to piss, and knowing the next rest stop isn't for 200 miles.
(Pepsiman finally reaches the crowd at the downed plane.)
The Nerd: So about an hour later, when I happen to do less shitty enough, I finally deliver those poor plane crash victims their Pepsi.
The Nerd: And of course, another chase level. This time, I want you to guess who chases Pepsiman, because it makes no sense. Is it buffalo? Nope! Nice try! Motorcycles? Keep guessing! Rolling rocks?? No again! This time you get chased... by a giant tumbling mass of logs.
(The game plays the next cutscene of the TV Guy as he drinks his Pepsi. When he finishes, he crushes the can in his hand. He then opens a new can and takes a drink.)
TV Guy: Pepsi for pizza! (grabs a pizza slice and eats it, as the game brings up a Pepsi logo with the text: "PEPSI FOR PIZZA.")
The Nerd: "Pepsi for pizza"? Yeah, actually a pizza would be pretty good right about-
(Pepsiman gives the Nerd a slice of pizza.)
The Nerd: Oh, thanks!
(The Nerd takes the pizza and is about to eat it, but just before he puts it in his mouth, Pepsiman turns it into a bottle of Pepsi. The Nerd groans in irritation.)
The Nerd: I hate you.
(Pepsiman poses.)
Jingle: PEPSIMAN!
(Screen cuts back to the game, as the final level starts.)
The Nerd: Okay, so thankfully, we're on to the final level: Pepsi City, a dystopian urban sprawl that should pose as a warning of rampant consumerism. It's a place that's completely comprised of advertisements. Imagine if Roddy Piper wore the sunglasses from They Live here. His head would explode! Honestly, seeing all these Pepsi logos and playing this game is doing the exact opposite of making me want a Pepsi. It makes me want NOT a Pepsi!
The Nerd: So this time, the computer at the Pepsi factory's gone haywire, and without Pepsiman's help, there'll be a world shortage of Pepsi. So Pepsiman must RUN! You're gonna die here, a fuckton of times. This is a culmination of all the frustrating bullshit, and then some. This has to be the most unhealthy city in the world. It's no wonder people are keeled over on the side of the street. How about drink some water?? That might help.
The Nerd: One thing I don't understand is why every sign in this game falls off when Pepsiman gets near it. Are the signs sentient creatures bent on inconveniencing Pepsiman?? Everything is so precise for such a piece of shit game! It took me the same amount of time to beat this stage than every other stage combined. I Game Over'ed thirteen times. Each continue, you get four lives. Plus, I died three more times before I finally passed it.
The Nerd: Maybe I just suck. Maybe the game sucks! Maybe we both suck! But either way, that's too much suckage goin' around!
(Pepsiman slides on a metal plate inside the Pepsi factory.)
The Nerd: This last section, you can't hit anything or you're dead. And you only have a few seconds to do it. But finally, I made it to the computer core, and the world can have their precious Pepsis!
(The cutscene plays as Pepsiman restarts the computer. Then, he arrives at the final chase level.)
The Nerd: Onward to the last chase level. This time, it's another giant Pepsi can that falls off two columns. Seriously, Pepsi City and the rest of the world for that matter needs to find a decent structural engineer. Everything's fallin' apart. This time, the can just falls for no reason! What if a regular person happened to walk under this thing? There'd be lawsuits out the ass! This last level is like the log one, except it's a Pepsi can that gives birth to baby Pepsi cans that try to trip you.
(The Nerd beats the game and the final cutscene with the TV Guy plays.)
The Nerd: When you beat it, the TV Game Guy flips his shit, the credits roll, and then he has to piss because of the ungodly amounts of Pepsi he's consumed.
(The TV Guy is shown in his room, surrounded by empty Pepsi cans. He stands up, and puts his hands over his groin.)
TV Guy: Excuse me... (walks off)
The Nerd: Beating it unlocks Classic Pepsiman and Free Play Mode if you wanna play through and collect all the Pepsis. I say however, fuck that, good riddance, the end!
The Nerd: Well, that's Pepsiman. I'm not gonna play it again as Classic Pepsiman or unlock other bullshit or whatever, so I'm done. Get the hell outta here!
(Pepsiman hisses uncontrollably at the Nerd, just as the TV Guy appears)
TV Guy: (sighs with relief) I finally found you!
The Nerd: Oh, come on! How do these assholes keep getting in here? Wait a minute, do I know you?
(As the Nerd stares at the TV Guy, an overlay of him in the FMV cutscenes from Pepsiman appears on the screen.)
TV Guy: (low-pitched) Pepsi for TV Game! (laughs)
The Nerd: Oh, y-you're the Pepsi TV Game Guy! Hey, why do you say TV Game instead of video game?
TV Guy: There's no time to explain that now, I'm here to finally destroy that menace...Pepsiman!
(Pepsiman hisses menacingly and tries to charge at the TV Guy, but he pulls out two bars of Mentos and makes a cross with them.)
TV Guy: Ha!
(Pepsiman screams in fear as he collapses to the ground.)
TV Guy: That's right, bitch. Back it off!
(The TV Guy sighs as he lowers his arms and turns his attention back to the Nerd.)
TV Guy: Okay, I bought us some time. Pepsiman has to be stopped. He's pure evil, and he'll stop at nothing until the entire universe... is Pepsi.
The Nerd: That's very interesting... (stands up) Like I give a shit! Though, can we talk about this "TV Game" thing?
TV Guy: Don't you get it?!? He will stop at nothing and take away everything you love. Everything you cherish and care about! And turn it... into Pepsi. He get you hooked, and slowly destroys... your life. There was a time when my refrigerator was jam-packed with wholesome, nutritious foods. Lettuce, almond milk, tofu-flavored tofu. And that was all taken away, and turned into Pepsi. HE TURNED MY DOG INTO PEPSI!!! You remember all those cans strewn about in the living room? Some of those aluminum cans... were MY WIFE! AND MY CHILDREN!! I had to sell the scrap from my can family, just to pay for their funeral. He broke me! He destroyed me. He ruined me.
The Nerd: Yeah... I understand. He... turned my beer into Pepsi.
TV Guy: You gotta help me, Nerd! You gotta help me! Help me avenge my family.
The Nerd: (nods) Okay. Well, how do we stop him?
TV Guy: I'm glad you asked. I've been working on a secret weapon for two decades, and I've hidden it in the one place he'd never look. (points behind the Nerd) BEHIND YOU!!!
The Nerd: You hid it behind me?
TV Guy: What? NOOO!!!I
(Pepsiman suddenly rises and begins preparing a Pepsi attack at the Nerd, but the TV Guy pushes the Nerd out of the way and gets hit instead, falling to the ground.)
The Nerd: (stands up) The TV Guy! You saved me! Are you ok, man?
(The TV Guy gets up and turns around, revealing that the left side of his body has been turned into Pepsi.)
TV Guy: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M OK?!?
(The Nerd gasps in horror.)
TV Guy: I'M TURNING INTO PEPSI!!! Run, Nerd! Get to the factory! Go!
The Nerd: The factory?
(Pepsiman turns more of the Nerd's games into a bottle of Pepsi as the Nerd starts running away. He is then shown running outdoors on a dirt trail.)
The Nerd: Factory, factory! (stops and looks to his left) Of course! This factory!
(The Nerd runs inside a building, which is revealed to be the Coca-Cola factory. As he steps inside, he looks around. Then, suddenly, Pepsiman jumps in front of him and hisses at him.)
The Nerd: Oh! (stammers) What am I gonna do?
(Pepsiman charges up a Pepsi attack with both hands.)
The Nerd: Oh! Oh, of course! (pulls out a Mentos bar from his pocket) The Freshmaker!
(Pepsiman stops charging up and lowers his arms as he looks at the Nerd in confusion. The Nerd then starts pulling out individual Mentos mints and throws two at Pepsiman, stunning him. However, Pepsiman then powers up and makes a "no" gesture at the Nerd, before raising both arms and preparing another Pepsi attack.)
The Nerd: (looks at the camera and shrugs) Well, I'm fucking dead.
TV Guy: Nerd!
(The TV Guy enters the scene, carrying a Mentos launcher. He aims it at Pepsiman and fires, sending out a spray of Mentos mints. The Nerd quickly jumps out of the way as the mints fly towards Pepsiman. Pepsiman gets hit and screams in pain. After convulsing for a few seconds, he explodes, becoming hideously deformed and continuing to scream. Then, he falls backwards into a pit of molten liquid, exploding one more time and dying for good.)
The Nerd: (looks down into the pit) Holy shit!
TV Guy: (sighs) I need a vacation.
The Nerd: Well that explains the t-shirt. Is he dead?
TV Guy: Well, that's orange soda. You ever mix cola and orange soda? (chuckles) Germans love it. They call it, uh, Spezi. It's disgusting. (looks into the pit and then back at the Nerd) He's terminated.
The Nerd: (sighs) It's over.
TV Guy: No. (sighs and shakes his head) Not yet. There's still one more Pepsiman remaining.
The Nerd: Really?
(The TV Guy points at himself.)
TV Guy: And it must be destroyed also.
The Nerd: Oh. Um... Can you at least tell me what that "Pepsi for TV Game" thing means?
TV Guy: Actually, I don't remember any of that. My brain is literally just chunks of Pepsi now.
(The Nerd frowns and shakes his head.)
TV Guy: Here. (gives the Nerd some chains) Use these chains to lower me down into the orange soda, so I can die a real, cinematic-like death. The death I deserve. A hero.
The Nerd: (shrugs) Eh.
(The Nerd simply pushes the TV Guy down into the pit. The TV Guy screams as he falls.)
TV Guy: YOU ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!!!
(The TV Guy falls into the soda.)
The Nerd: Pepsi for funerals.
(The Nerd walks away as the TV Guy's hand slowly starts descending into the orange soda. He flips the middle finger at the Nerd just before being submerged completely.)
