The Nerd: If they move, kill 'em! Yeah, shoot 'em! Shoot 'em! That's what ya do. Kill everybody on the screen! Don't let anybody live! That's what games were all about. You see somebody, you pump their motherfuckin' ass full of lead!
The Nerd: But then came along a game on the Japanese home computer, the MSX2. It was called Metal Gear, and it was a fresh new idea. It was about survival, rather than blunt force. Instead of running up and killing everybody, it was all about getting by undetected. It was an epic, revolutionary idea, and it paved the way for the stealth genre. Snake would become one of the classic video game characters, and of course it was one of the most popular names of the 80's, next to Michael. I always think of Snake from Escape from New York or the wrestler Jake the Snake. And his full name is "Solid Snake"? Might as well just be "Erect Cock".
The Nerd: There were so many sequels it gets confusing, maybe even "Chronologically Confusing". There was Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid, and Metal Gear Solid 2. Couldn't they have come up with a title that sounded different? Like, which one's the real 2?
The Nerd: Well, if you wanna get technical, the first sequel was Snake's Revenge. But that was only a sequel to the NES version. The original game's developer, Hideo Kojima, wasn't involved in either of the NES versions. So, Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake was the first true sequel. But again, it was on the MSX2, so unless you lived in Japan, chances are, you weren't aware of it at the time. Metal Gear Solid was basically the third in the series. But it was the first one that most people played, because it was on the PlayStation. It was also the first one to utilize 3D environments, first-person views and cinematic elements. Today, there's so many Metal Gear Solid sequels and so many versions of each game, it's outta control.
The Nerd: The point is, today, Metal Gear is a franchise. But forget about all that for just one moment. Pretend that it's 1988, and we don't live in Japan. To our knowledge, the only game is Metal Gear on the NES. I remember renting it from the video store, and thinkin', "Wow, that looks pretty cool." But there was somethin' about the cover that was really familiar, which I never realized 'til now. It's Kyle Reese, from The Terminator. Yeah, without a doubt. It also has the fastest title screen in video game history. Watch how long it stays. (The title screen quickly disappears) Then it goes to the demo. Seriously, it's only up there for two seconds. I'll time it. (The Nerd times it 00:02:02) There you go, two seconds. It's like the game's saying, "Oh, well you're not gonna push Start? Well fuck you then!"
The Nerd: So you drop from a parachute, and who the hell are these other three guys? I don't even know if ya ever see them again. Then you get a briefing from your boss. He says "First, attempt to contact missing... our "Grey Fox"." Great. There's a typo on the first message. [Technically not; it's spelled "grey" in most other parts of the world.] So then you walk over, and you could either just go up and fight this guy, or wait for him to fall asleep. Or, "feel asleep". I guess if he feels asleep, that's good enough. But even then, when you go near him, he just wakes up, so, what's the difference? Then there's all these dogs. Your first instinct's to sneak by, but look at this. I can't fuckin' go through! (stutters) What's blocking me? If you really weren't intended to fit through, couldn't they have put these jeeps closer to the grass? You can only move along a grid, so basically you can't go near anything. Bad game design at its finest.
The Nerd: So I punch out all these dogs, and then I just go to the next screen, just keep walkin' down, walkin' down - (The dogs respawn) Oh, fuck. What was the point of that? You know what the point was? To waste my fuckin' time. Now the dogs are back? Of course, it's the classic respawning enemy bullshit. So, I gotta punch the fuckin' dogs again. And y'know, who the hell goes around punching dogs? Alright, come on, you mother-bitch, come on! (Grunts) Damn it! Alright, now I'm gonna get in this truck here. Wow, this truck's the size of a fuckin' house. And it doesn't make any sense. You stay the same size, so how does the truck get bigger? Oh well, whatever, what's this? Binoculars? Alright, gonna go back out here...
(An enemy respawns and shoots him once he gets out of the truck!)
The Nerd: The fuck?! That was ridiculous! The enemies respawn if you go in the truck! It's not like I left the screen, it was just a sub-area. And once you get out of the truck, you're immediately open to enemy fire. That is so fuckin' cheap! You wanna play dirty? Alright, you fuckin' goddamn piece of shit.
The Nerd: The one thing that's cool, I still have my binoculars, so I don't gotta go in that truck again. Just gonna punch this motherfucker, die! Asshole. Go to the select screen here, choose the binoculars. OK, so let's try 'em out. Alright, I'm usin' the D-Pad. Looks like I'm scanning the environment. Just a little handy way to see what lies ahead, I suppose. Now I'm goin' back to the select screen, to turn it off. OK...
(The enemy respawns once he turns off the binoculars!)
The Nerd: What? You son of a bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch? Or were the game designers deliberately tryin' to be FUCKIN' ASSHOLES?! Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game, and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it!"
The Nerd: Now where the fuck am I? It's the same screen being repeated. Is it like in Zelda where you have to go northwest-southwest? But no, you just go down. Whenever you go left or right, it just takes ya back to the same spot. Then let me ask a perfectly legit question. What were they thinking?! Why not just have one path? Thanks for tricking me into thinking I'm going somewhere, when I'm really not. Alright, you bastard. Come on-
(He gets a Game Over, and he is sent back to the start)
The Nerd: Fuck! Oh my God. I gotta go back to the beginning every time? Are there any checkpoints? Am I ever gonna get to continue? And, where's my fuckin' gun? Is that all I get, just my fists? Oh, I have a pack of cigarettes too. Wow, hey kids, smoke up.
The Nerd: The menus suck. Check it out - here's how it works. Select brings up the main menu. Now, Select does nothing. B goes back to the game, and A chooses the sub-menu. Now, Select goes back to the game, and B now does nothing, and A chooses the items. It's so inconsistent. Until you get used to it, it takes so fuckin' long to navigate!
The Nerd: I'm not tryin' to find flaws in this game. This is honestly how I felt the first time playing this 20 years ago. I hated it. I wanted to know two things. When do I get a gun, when do I get to continue? I kept dying over and over again, and seeing that first screen so many times, left a permanent mental image in my brain for the rest of my life.
The Nerd: But once you learn how to get by, you go in the first building, and soon enough you get the gun. Once that happens, the game gets a lot easier. But still, every time you die, you go back to the fuckin' beginning. But, like I said, you get to keep your weapons, so, once you have the gun, you're all set. And some of the trucks drive you around, kinda like a Warp Zone. But you have no control over it. You just step into a random truck and off ya go. "Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!" Man, these translations suck. Couldn't they get anybody to proofread this shitload of fuck? Anyway, each time I play it, I seem to get one step further.
The Nerd: But there's always gonna be something unexpected. (Snake falls through a hole and dies) Like that right there. How was I supposed to know there'd be a trap door? It's all about trial and error. And just because of that, I gotta start all over. I've heard that if you use the transceiver, it makes the trap door go away. Which it does, but ya still die. What the fuck?
The Nerd: Anyway, you go around collecting items, key cards, and rescuing hostages. But if you want a chance to read any of the dialogue boxes, you better be careful not to touch the D-Pad. Yeah, you know how in most games you can cancel out the text by pushing A or B, or sometimes Start? But never the fuckin' D-Pad! Naturally, when you get an item, you're using the D-Pad because you're walking toward it. So you have to remember to let go right away. That is some mixed-up buffalo bullshit right there! And sometimes the dialogue box can actually get blocked. They can't keep the objects in the game from getting in front of the text? Or maybe it's to hide their inability to proofread. "I have located some plastic explosive."? This game's a mess! How did they fuck it up so bad?!
The Nerd: There's so many spots where you just walk into a room and drop dead. Like here, I have to switch on my gas mask. Of course, if I don't realize that, I only have one second to react before my health's drained all the way. And then the fuckin' boss calls and says "I forgot to - I mean, I forget to tell you something! You will need your gas mask." Oh. No shit. You're a little fuckin' late there, asshole. You think you could tell me before I step into the room? Not after? I mean, if I survived long enough to get his message, I would've already figured that out! But you wanna know what else sucks about this room? To get in, you need to have your key card selected. Then, right away, you need to select your gas mask. So unavoidably, ya lose some health. And then once again, to get out of the room, you have to select your key card. So, twice, you take damage. And as far as I know, there's no way to avoid it.
The Nerd: Probably my favorite fucked up part is right here. See this truck? It's too close to the edge of the screen. So if you wanna go in there, you have to leave the screen twice. You go right... go up... and go left. What game would ever make you do that?
The Nerd: And it's so annoying when people gang up on you. Oh my God. Get off me! Get off - I can't get 'em off! (Grunts twice) Fuck! But anyway, it's a pretty epic game, so most likely you won't beat it in one sitting. That's why there's a password system. But, like you'd expect, it's horrendous. Is there any reason why these passwords have to be so fuckin' long?! Even this would be overdoing it. Why do we need this little extra part? Like, for the love of fuck! Well then, guess what? If you use the password, it starts you at the building where you left off. Why couldn't that happen just by continuing? The whole purpose of having a password is if you turn the game off and wanna come back to it later. Not just to continue! Imagine every time you die, typing in this password. It's either that, or start at the beginning, so pick your fuckin' poison, motherfucker!
The Nerd: This game is the fuckin' crust between your balls. It's terrible. And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when somethin's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine, I have like 12. Yeah, I got Charlie Brown Ghost Ass. And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said it slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole. Well, he didn't say it like that, he said, "it wasn't faithful to his original game. The stealth element wasn't there, and Metal Gear wasn't even in the game". Yeah. That's right. The final boss is supposed to be a robot named Metal Gear. So, if you're gonna call the game Metal Gear, and not have Metal Gear, that's like having Legend of Zelda with no Zelda.
The Nerd: If the original Metal Gear was Kojima's baby, then the NES version is his deformed grandchild. Now, I know, it's still a classic, if you look past all its flaws. It's like digging for gold underneath a pile of horseshit. Or perhaps it's a gleaming silver turd. It might not look like shit... but it sure smells like it.