(Day 6 of "Twelve Days of Shitsmas". The Nerd opens the tiny present and reveals the Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get a Clue game for the Game Boy Color as he stares in shock)
The Nerd: I knew this would have to happen one of these days. I would eventually have to play one of the games based on the Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. That's right, I said one of the games, there's several. But yeah, I knew this would have to happen, ever since I was playing Toxic Crusaders right here with Lloyd Kaufman.
Lloyd Kaufman: This is a historic. Uh, this is the first use in a video game of a golden shower, until, uh, the Mary-Kate and Ashley, uh, Olsen Twins video games.
The Nerd: I have not played those; maybe I'll have to try 'em now.
The Nerd: (pops the game into the Super Game Boy and turns the SNES on) So, here we are. I'll play one of these games, and the one I have here is called Get a Clue on Game Boy Color, based on the direct-to-video series The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley, which was some sort of musical-mystery show.
Digitized Olsen Twin Voice: The New Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get a Clue for Game Boy Color.
The Nerd: (shocked) Oh, it talks! It's the first time I've ever heard the Olsen twins talk to me through a video game...and they're just tellin' me what I'm playing.
(One of the twins throws a dog off a balcony)
The Nerd: The game just started, and, I threw a dog off a balcony. I threw a dog off a balcony! The goal of the game is to solve some kind of crime case, so you have to find pieces of the puzzle. Literally, a puzzle. I thought it'd be some kind of clue; e-evidence, you know, but it's literally a puzzle. Um, yeah, I-I gotta find out what's on that puzzle. I-I y'know, I bet it's a flower-- No, no, I bet it's a cat. Yeah, it's a cat.
The Nerd: To get anywhere in this game, you have to activate switches to unlock the gate that leads to the puzzle piece. Oh but wait, only Ashley can activate the switches.
(The Nerd stares at the sprites for Mary-Kate and Ashley, unable to tell them apart as he squints, looks at the camera, at the game, then back to the camera)
The Nerd: WHICH ONE'S ASHLEY?!
The Nerd: Throughout the game, you tag team back and forth between both twins, kinda like the production of Full House when they both played Michelle. At such a young age, they were able to successfully trick us into making it seem like it was the same person.
The Nerd: But there are some Full House experts out there who can tell when it's Ashley and when it's Mary-Kate. Well good. Try figuring it out in this fuckin' game!
The Nerd: You'll move one of the twins over to a switch and then realize, "Oh shit. That's Mary-Kate. Gotta select Ashley." Because for some reason, only she knows how to flick switches and bounce off her sister's head. (Ashley bounces off Mary-Kate's head and onto an upper platform and flicks a switch) What does that mean? Mary-Kate has a bouncier head or something? Mary-Kate can jump higher than Ashley though, so that's probably the quickest way to tell the difference between them. Now I'm actually curious. Can she really jump higher in real life? That should be put to the test, because the world needs to know.
The Nerd: Believe it or not, the dog is a selectable character too. Sometimes you might need to move the dog into position and use him as a boost. Or, use him as a weapon against your enemies. By throwing him.
The Nerd: Imagine if you picked up your dog, and then, THREW IT at an attacking animal!
The Nerd: A and B is reversed. Gotta have that. And the game gives you hints along the way on how to pass the level. Very specific hints. In fact, it tells you exactly what to do!
The Nerd: The game provides its own walkthrough.
The Nerd: The puzzle-solving gameplay begins simple, and then gets more tricky. The difficulty ramps up perfectly, without going from too easy to too hard too quickly. Sometimes you have to stack up the characters to reach a certain jump, and some of the switches are timed, so you might have to get Mary-Kate ahead to the gate, and then activate the switch with Ashley in a completely different part of the room.
The Nerd: You know, honestly, I have to admit, this is my first time playing and, surprisingly, it's not that bad. But who is the target audience? Little girls or puzzle-solving fanatics? Who knows.
(The Nerd reaches for the Day 7 gift)