(Day 8 of The 12 Days of Shitsmas. The Nerd reaches for the eighth gift and unwraps it to reveal Lethal Weapon on NES)
The Nerd: Lethal Weapon was one of the prime examples of 80's action movies with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover at their best, playing two undercover cops with polar opposite personalities. It's the buddy cop cliché, but one of the greatest of the genre. While somehow it managed to escape an ass-raping by LJN, the game was made by Ocean, so, can we just take a moment here and be thankful? It's NOT LJN? So that means it's gonna be good, right? (sighs) Okay. Let's give it a try.
(The Nerd pops the game into the Nintoaster and turns it on.)
Well... it's average. As average as a sidewalk on a summer day. It's nothin' to look at. This is it. You want a review of the game? Here you go. You just walk around and take out bad guys by kicking and shooting. That's it. Nothing terrible, nothing great, just a middle-of-the-road, everyday button-mashing marathon. (Cut to Final Fight for the Super NES) Considering the Super NES was out by this time, makes it as worthwhile as yesterday's baby diapers.
The graphics are OK by NES standards, but the backgrounds don't make any sense. I thought we were in the jungle, now we're in the desert in Egypt? That is a pyramid, is it not? Oh wait, I guess they're supposed to be mountains. Yeah, one of the mountains just happens to be in a perfect pyramid shape, that's all. The really strange thing is how the two different environments have such a distinct line of separation, as if we just switched from one plane of existence to the next. There's no logic anyway. You know, logic is for pussies.
Kicking people takes the same amount of damage as shooting them. That's right. Your foot is as strong as a bullet. After all, you take out helicopters by jumping and kicking them out of the air. Who does that?! That's not believable, (Cut to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game for the NES) unless you're a giant turtle trained in the art of ninjutsu named after a Renaissance painter.
I also like that you can pick up grenades after they've already been thrown. That's right, an active grenade that's ready to blow - just pick it up and you'll be fine.
You're playing as the Mel Gibson character Riggs, and I have to say, in the spirit of Lethal Weapon 3, I'm disappointed that the powerups aren't dog biscuits. But what about the Danny Glover character Murtaugh? How do you play as him? I've tried the obvious Select, but that pauses the game. Start switches your weapon, B attacks, A jumps. So, we're out of buttons here. What do we do? There has to be a way to play Murtaugh; it wouldn't be Lethal Weapon without both of them, so, whaddya do?
(Riggs walks off-screen and Murtaugh enters, leaving the Nerd in shock)
NO! That didn't happen!
Oh my God. To switch characters... you walk off-screen. That's... different. Y-You know what? I-I've seen it all. I've seen it all at this point. So, does that mean the other character is always there, following along, but staying far enough behind so that he can hide in the unseen negative space outside the boundaries of your TV screen? What is he doin' out there?! Just hangin' out, watchin' ya get your ass kicked? Both characters seem to operate the same, pretty much, so there's no difference other than the color of your skin. Well that's deep. Almost sounds like the game's tryin' to make a moral statement - n-no-no-no, the game sucks.
Lemme give you some advice. Never play a movie-based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They fuck ya with the movie games, OK? They fuck ya, they fuck ya! They know you're gonna buy the game, and by the time you play the game and realize ya got fucked, it's too late; they don't care! And after they get done fuckin' ya, they fuck ya some more! Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck ya with the graphics, fuck ya with the music, fuck ya with the gameplay, they fuck ya, they fuck ya, they fuck ya!
Walk off-screen to select the characters. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! That'd be like if I just walked off-screen right now, and somebody else came in...
(The Nerd walks off-screen, and all of a sudden, Mike Matei enters, shaking his head)
Mike Matei: I'm gettin' too old for this shit.
(The Nerd reaches for the Day 9 gift)