(The Angry Video Game Nerd theme)
Guitar Guy: He's gonna take you bac-
(Screen pauses for 2 seconds)
Guitar Guy: -ack to the past
(Song glitches back half a second)
To play the shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i (Vaporwave) itty games that su-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck as-
(A crash is heard)
(The title screen then shows up as we hear the 8-bit music from "Blaster Master.")
(The Nerd inserts "Pac-Man" into the Nintoaster. He turns it on, but as soon as the title screen of "Pac-Man" shows up, it is messed up. The Nerd looks at it, and it cuts to several glitches like the messed up "Pac-Man" logo and the misspelling of Player into Playar. He takes out the game, blows into it several times, and inserts it back in, but sees yet another glitch, showing the ghosts names messed up. It even shows the words character and nickname misspelled. All of the nicknames seen are misspelled except for Pinky. The Nerd is surprised. It then cuts to a messed up "Pac-Man" level with a weird "Pac-Man" and weird ghosts, with one of the ghosts staying the same. The Nerd takes out the "Pac-Man" game and throws it backwards. He then takes out another game, blows on it several times, and inserts it in into the Nintoaster. The title screen for "Super Team Games" shows up, but after a while, it suddenly glitches in some weird line style. The music also beeps. The Nerd is shocked.)
The Nerd: Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up!
(The Nerd inserts "Metal Gear" into the Nintoaster, only to see the title screen messed up.)
The Nerd: Oh, come on, Metal Gear's fuckin' up now?
The Nerd: You blow in the game, (the Nerd blows into the game) jiggle it around, (the Nerd tries to use it with the toploader) use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. (The Nerd tries to use it with the original NES.)
The Nerd: You know when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mish-mash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
(The Glitch Gremlin, played by Kevin Finn, who played the Ninja in the "Ninja Gaiden" episode, appears in front of a glitched image.)
Glitch Gremlin: (Laughing) Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day sir. As you know, I'm the Glitch Gremlin. And, I've got glitches in me britches for you, Nerd! I've got- (starts speaking gibberish)
(The Nerd gets furious.)
The Nerd: I'm gonna lay the fucksmack on you! You think I can't still play?
(The Glitch Gremlin appears again in another glitched image.)
Glitch Gremlin: Wouldn't you say it's a Goddamn work of art? All the earth tones, the browns, the greens, it's just like Mother Nature. I like to bring it into the room.
The Nerd: It's ugly, like your mom!
(The glitched image is so glitched that the Nerd dies. The Glitch Gremlin laughs.)
The Nerd: (angrily) You son of a bitch!
(The Nerd takes out "Metal Gear", accompanied by the "Metal Gear" Game Over Music, and sees the Glitch Gremlin emerge from the cartridge.)
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, try and switch the game as you might, but I can switch me glitches tonight!
(The Nerd throws the game, causing the Glitch Gremlin to fly to the left. The Nerd inserts "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!", but when it gets to the "Mike is waiting for your challenge!" screen, it turns into a glitched mess. Mike Tyson's image turns into black smear over a brown background, and the rest of the screen turned to light blue. Mike Tyson's name is also messed up. The Nerd is surprised. The Glitch Gremlin appears in the glitched image.)
Glitch Gremlin: And here we have Punch-Out!! with Iron Mike Tyson. I just ironed out his face.
(The camera zooms in on Mike Tyson's ironed-out face.)
Glitch Gremlin: How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Faced Mike Tyson.
The Nerd: You little fuck-nugget! Get outta my game!
(The Nerd takes out the game, and blows into it. But the Glitch Gremlin emerges from the cartridge again, this time with a broom. The Nerd is surprised.)
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, you've been blowin' the dust out, I spent all day trying to get it in there! Well, if you're gonna blow it, why don't you blow me?
(The Nerd blows the Glitch Gremlin to the left and inserts the game back in, but as soon as the match starts, it turns into yet another mess of glitches. Mac and Mario have turned into white, and Bald Bull has turned into black. The background is also mixed with blue and black. The Nerd is pissed and shocked. The Glitch Gremlin appears in the glitched image.)
Glitch Gremlin: I shit all over it, with me glitches. (smiles)
(The Nerd is angry.)
The Nerd: I almost wonder if the Glitch Gremlin had a deal with game companies to sell you all kinds of cleaning devices that you don't need. I mean, would you really need this to clean out a game? It's just as good for cleanin' out your ass!
(He takes out the game.)
The Nerd: I'll show you how to clean these fuckers out. Get yourself a Q-Tip...
(The Glitch Gremlin is surprised.)
Glitch Gremlin: Oh! Not the Q-Tip!
The Nerd: ...put a little cleaning solution at the end like that. You don't want too much, you don't want too much moisture in the game.
(The Glitch Gremlin is scared of the Q-Tip.)
Glitch Gremlin: Keep the Q-Tip away! Keep it away!
The Nerd: And, Glitch Gremlin, be gone!
(The Nerd throws the game, but the Glitch Gremlin lands on the floor.)
Glitch Gremlin: Oh! You're a real asshole! I'll be back!
The Nerd: (sarcastically) Yeah. (normally) Of course, some glitches can happen because of programming errors, and can be triggered on command. So for those who want to be a Glitch Gremlin yourself, here's a trick you can try at home.
(Cut to "Mega Man 2.")
The Nerd: In Mega Man 2, go to the Air Man stage. Make sure you're equipped with Item #1. Now it's time to fight Air Man. But instead, let's surprise the fuck outta him. Use Item 1 to touch the door, and see what happens.
(Mega Man touches the door, and the camera then pans to the left to see a glitched up image.)
The Nerd: Wow. Have you ever wondered what it would look like if the Air Man stage and Dr. Wily stage, Part 2 got thrown together in a blender?
The Nerd: Speaking of Mega Man, I had a unique experience with the 5th game. It happened a long time ago, and I doubt it will ever happen again. Fortunately, I have the evidence recorded on a VHS tape.
The Nerd: It was a long night and I was Hell-bent on finishing the game. I made it to one of the final bosses. Under normal circumstances, I should've been able to see the giant pieces that fly out from the robot's body, and been able to use them as platforms. But the Glitch Gremlin was playing dirty that night. He knew I made it far, and that there was no continue code for this late in the game.
The Nerd: This was my first time trying to beat Mega Man V. So, imagine my confusion when I kept getting struck by invisible objects. The platforms were invisible. But they appeared to be stationary on the robot. Just an illusion. Graphical dummies meant to fool me and to sabotage my entire night's effort.
The Nerd: My only option was to reset the game, but I couldn't accept that, so I pushed on. I kept jumping at the air blindly. 9 times out of 10, I'd get hit. Finally, after much patience, I got the invisible pattern down and was able to destroy the boss. And that was a great moment in Nerd history.
Glitch Gremlin: That's impossible! I never seen anything like it!
The Nerd: I should get a gold medal.
The Nerd: Sometimes, games can be unpredictable. Cheetahmen II is a prime example where the whole game is a glitch.
The Nerd: As already described in my Cheetahmen review, after you beat the 4th level boss, you get stuck in limbo, so there's no way to play the last two levels, unless by a freak accident. If a blue moon occurs on Friday the 13th and all the planets align, the game will actually start up on the missing levels. The frustrating part is that now I have no choice to play it. It's not like that this is gonna happen again.
The Nerd: So it's like I gotta sit my ass down and play the two hardest to find, most mysterious levels in video game history, in what's already one of the rarest games in existence. Heh. What a privilege. Oh, and guess what, it sucks. Yeah. Just like the rest of the game. Both levels are called Level 3, so that's four level 3's in total.
The Nerd: The final boss just runs back and forth, you stand there, hit him 'til he's dead, and after that, what happens? (Nothing happens. No ending plays and the cheetah is stuck on the stage.) You guessed it. Now, if I ever have to talk about Action 52 and Cheetahmen again, I'm gonna staple my fuckin' ballsack to the ceiling.
The Nerd: Double Dragon was a game I played so much, I used to find weird things all the time. If you touch the wall on the first level, you can become a human elevator. And if you bring the whip up there, you can do this.
(As Billy unleashes the whip, he falls down backwards.)
The Nerd: Call them glitches or Easter eggs, whether intentional or not, sometimes they can be helpful. Don't feel like fighting the boss at the end of stage 2? Well, don't. Just walk away. He doesn't even try to follow you as if saying, "Fine, you fuckin' pussy!"
The Nerd: Tired of fighting those big muscle men? Just climb the wall. He's like, "Oh, fuck that! I ain't going up there!"
(Cut to "Super Mario Bros.")
The Nerd: Probably the most famous of all video game secrets is the warp zone in Super Mario Bros. It first came as mild amusement when gamers found you can break the blocks all the way up on the ceiling. Then the moment of discovery came when you found out you can actually get above the ceiling.
The Nerd: Wasn't that hilarious to see Mario running in front of the scoreboard? But that was only the beginning. If you went past the exit, you ended up in a warp zone where you can skip to different worlds. But then, somebody who had way too much time on their hands found out that if you break some of the blocks and perform a very specific jump, you can actually slide through the wall.
The Nerd: This still takes you to the warp zone just the same, unless you don't walk too far. If you jump into the first pipe right away, it takes you to World -1. Well, it's just an underwater world that repeats in an endless loop. There's also an interesting thing known as the Double Death. If you die on a Hammer Brother, try pausing and unpausing.
(The death music starts and then repeats.)
The Nerd: Let's check out Mario 2. (Super Mario Bros. 2) This game is so much fun. Lifting enemies over your head and slamming them into one another? So cool. (grunts) Fuck 'em up!
(Toad throws a Tweeter and throws a Shy Guy on top of the first enemy. The Shy Guy hits the Tweeter, and they both fly up and off the screen.)
The Nerd: Whoa! What happened? Let's try that again.
(Toad does the same thing again, although Toad throws Shy Guy first and Tweeter second, but this time he jumps on top of the Tweeter and Shy Guy, and Toad dies once he touches the top edge of the screen.)
The Nerd: Oh!
The Nerd: I love these POW blocks. They wipe out all living creatures in sight. There's that classic trick where you go in that little dark world, you pick one up, and wait for time to run out. And now, you have twice the POW. It's doomsday for this place.
(Toad throws the POW into the ground, and the log carries Toad up and the log disappears)
The Nerd: Oh, no! It changes gravity!
(Toad falls to his death)
The Nerd: The destructive force of the POW block is so intense, the rest of the game can't handle it. Turtle shells and different objects fly all over the place.
(Toad throws the POW block and Toad tries to lift the Bob-Omb, but it disappears because of the POW block.)
The Nerd: What happened? Where'd the Bob-Omb go? It, like, dropped through the floor. Hmmm, I wonder where that Bob-Omb went?
(Toad enters the room and once inside, he gets killed by the explosion caused by the Bob-Omb)
The Nerd: Agh! Bob-Omb, Bob-Omb!
The Nerd: You know that annoying Phanto fucker? That face that chases you around whenever you get the key? Don't you hate that thing? Haven't you always wanted to kill it? Well, here's how. You collect exactly four cherries, and four vegetables. Get the key, let the bastard chase you somewhere where you can get a time stopper.
The Nerd: Now, get one more cherry to make the star appear. And hurry up. Time's runnin' out!
(Toad gets the star, and eventually kills the Phanto)
The Nerd: Ungh! Ye-heah! Got him! Finally killed that ass-face!
The Nerd: Movin' on to Mario 3. (Super Mario Bros. 3) Yeah, might as well. The Glitch Gremlin usually stays away from this one. Yeah, it's a little too crowded with demonic possessions. But, nevertheless, it has a share glitches that you can perform for yourself, like Sand Diving, and Air Walking.
The Nerd: As for Super Mario World, there's a neat trick here too. Go to Chocolate Island 3, get to the goal. Instead of jumping up like normal, you release Yoshi in mid-air. The screen is still fixated on where Yoshi was, and you can only see Mario's legs. But that's only the beginning.
The Nerd: Wow. The stability of all the colors in this world depend on Mario and Yoshi making that jump correctly.
The Nerd: For some reason, gamers enjoy finding these kind of glitches. Maybe it's because we take pride in finding flaws that the programmers overlooked. Or, maybe it's just because, we like playing outside the rules to go exploring.
The Nerd: Well, for the boldest of explorers, there's Mountain King on the Atari 2600. Getting tired of the same old platforms and ladders? Wouldn't you like to go to a whole new higher level of gameplay? Literally? By performing a very specific jump, you can launch the character higher than usual. Then, you have to land on a very specific spot. If you're one pixel off, it doesn't work. And sometimes, it doesn't work anyway.
The Nerd: You have to keep holding the joystick in the direction you're jumping, and release it at the precise moment.
The Nerd: Now, welcome to Glitch Heaven. A vast world without logic. A place of not only of sight and sound, but of mind.
(the "Twilight Zone" theme plays as the camera zooms in on the character)
The Nerd: By playing with all the switches on the Atari console, you can cause the layout to change. You can also plug different controllers into the second port like the paddles, or even the keypad.
The Nerd: You can even try the ColecoVision controller, or Sega Genesis. It's like a mad scientist experiment.
The Nerd: I tried for hours, and I still haven't been able to find everything. There's been reports of the screen flickering, the character changing size, and strange unknown objects.
The Nerd: Will you be the next adventurer to discover the unexplored secrets of Glitch Heaven?
(the character puts his arms up in an "I don't know" kind of way.)
The Nerd: From the old days of gaming until the new, it seems like game glitches will always be around.
The Nerd: In Zelda: Twilight Princess on Wii, I was jumping around when, somehow, I got stuck in a roof. Unfortunately, I didn't have it recorded in the act, but I sure did try to recreate it: It couldn't be done.
The Nerd: Let's play Rocky on the PS2.
(The Glitch Gremlin enters, and laughs evilly)
The Nerd: Not you again!
(Cut to the match, where the audience has turns into transforming squares.)
The Nerd: What happened to the audience?!
Glitch Gremlin: Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did! Standing-room only, full house of glitches! (imitates boxing match ring) In this corner, we have, weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same: Nothing!
The Nerd: No...
Glitch Gremlin: Can you hear that?
(The line, "Next up is a fight" repeats.)
Glitch Gremlin: What's that sound? Huh? Hmm? It's a sound of a glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it.
(The Nerd keeps hearing the line "Next up is a fight" repeat, until he resets the PS2)
Glitch Gremlin: No. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
The Nerd: Eh, fuck you. It's workin' now.
(As the announcer introduces Spider Rico, he collapses to the floor.)
The Nerd: What was that?
Glitch Gremlin: I put him to the floor! That's a good one. Good one, Glitch Gremlin!
Announcer: ...from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Rocky Balboa!
(Rocky also collapses, only to find his body messed up after he collapses. The Nerd is shocked. Cut to various Rocky boxers collapsing to the floor.)
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Whoo!
The Nerd: Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up.
(The Nerd cleans the game, as we see the Glitch Gremlin in the disc.)
Glitch Gremlin: Not gonna work. Not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work-o'clock.
(Cut to Rocky with his eyes popped out and a weird mouth.)
Glitch Gremlin: In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
The Nerd: What happened to his mouth?
Glitch Gremlin: His eyes are poppin' out! (cut to Spider Rico with his jaw missing) And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw!
The Nerd: They're like zombies. What is this? Rocky: The Undead Edition? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, Clubber Lang! That could be a good one. Let's see what else I got up my sleeves. Oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final showstopper, feast yer eyes on this!
(Cut to Clubber Lang, in a tall, glitched version. His shoe and boxing gloves are on top of his head and he is walking on one leg. The Glitch Gremlin laughs, while the Nerd is shocked and drops his controller)
The Nerd: (shocked) It's a Clubber-Fuck!
(The Glitch Gremlin folds his hands and shakes them in a celebratory fashion)
Crowd: (Chanting) Clubber! Clubber! Clubber!
(While the crowd is chanting "Clubber!", he falls to the floor and turns into a pile of glitches. Having had enough, the Nerd takes out the disc. He looks at it in anger. The Glitch Gremlin gives him a piercing stare.)
Glitch Gremlin: (Hums)
(The Nerd breaks the disc.)
The Nerd: (Sighs in relief) I need a beer.
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, you want to play dirty, do ya? Ping!
(The Glitch Gremlin turns his beer bottle into pixels.)
Glitch Gremlin: How do ya like that? Sip on an ice... cool bottle of glitch. Ping!
(The Glitch Gremlin turns his couch into a bunch of nonsense words.)
Glitch Gremlin: A nice comfy couch of pixelated glitch! Glitch! Glitch! Ping! (turns his ceiling into a wave like movement) Ping! (turns his arcade toys into pixelated words) Glitch! (makes the DK toy's eyes big) Glitch! (makes the head of the Mario toy huge with multiples coming out) Glitch glitch glitch! Ping! Ping! (Makes his TV and NES collection disappear) Ping! Ping! Glitch! Glitch! Glitch! Glitch! (turns his door into an eye, turns his room into one big glitch, and also the Nerd.)