The Nerd as Dracula: (moans) Another night. Shitty games. That's all I do is play shitty games, and I have so fuckin' many, I'll probably be playin' 'til the dawn. It's a sacrifice to the soul, and it's suckin' me dry.
The Nerd as Dracula: And how appropriate, because tonight, it's Dracula. Now when it comes to Dracula games, most people instantly think of the Castlevania series. But I'm going to delve into the fuckin' catacombs of Hell.
The Count (Commodore VIC-20)
The Nerd as Dracula: Our first exhibit is The Count on the VIC-20. Now what the fuck is a VIC-20? Well, it's an old Commodore computer from 1980. Thought the Commodore 64 was primitive? Well, check out the VIC-20. Look at that cartridge. That's what you call a game. Tryin' to jam the fucker in is a real bitch. Even worse than the IntelliVision.
The Nerd from Double Vision Part 1: It's like tryin' to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
The Nerd as Dracula: The graphics are non-existent because, it's a text game. It says, "I see I was put to bed. It's afternoon and I overslept. What shall I do now?" I'm gonna write "Get out of bed." "Don't know what "OUT" is. What shall I do now?" Wake up. "Don't know how to "WAKE" something."
The Nerd as Dracula: I don't know what to tell it, but I have the instructions, and it gives you some suggestions of words you can use. So let's try "Climb." "Can't do that...YET!" Ohh, so you're teasin' me. Go. "I also need a direction." Go right. "Don't know what "RIGHT" is." Go left. "Don't know what "LEFT" is." Eat pillow. "Yuck!" Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that.
The Nerd as Dracula: Get up. "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass bed. North." Uh, OK, uh, go north? "What shall I do now?" Okay, so I went north? What did that do? Go east? "OK. What shall I do now?" Go east again? "Use 1 or 2 words only!" Oh, okay, I'll give you two words: Fuck you! "Don't know how to "FUCK" something." (The Nerd facepalms in annoyance)
The Nerd as Dracula: (sighs) Next up, Dracula on the Intellivision. What's cool about this game is that you actually play as Dracula. Now I'm tryin' it out on the Intellivision II. It's basically just a redesigned model, which you'd think would be an improvement, BUT WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF ASS IS THIS?! (refers to the AC adapter box) If the old Intellvision had a simple plug, why does the newer model have a big fat-ass AC adapter?
(pulls out power strip and plugs in AC adapter)
The Nerd as Dracula: Anyway, you leave your grave and you go around suckin' people's blood, which is kinda cool. Dracula has a big mouth, like Pac-Man. The only thing you can't kill are the wolves, and the police who throw wooden stakes. You can turn into a bat and fly away, but then a vulture comes after you. And the only way to kill the police is to transform people into zombies and send them after, but to control the zombie, you have to pick up the other controller while controlling Dracula at the same time! So it's like Raiders of the Lost Ark, you really need a second player.
The Nerd as Dracula: The instruction manual text is pretty funny. "You say you're always thirsty, Count Dracula? The police harass you and birds and animals are unfriendly and you're allergic to the sun? Well, my man, I'd say you've got some grave problems!" Who would call Dracula "my man"?
Drac's Night Out
The Nerd as Dracula: Next, we have Drac's Night Out on the NES. Now this game was never released, so what I'm holding is a rare reproduction cartridge, which is the only way it can be played. It was also a big promotion for sneakers, the Reebok Pumps.
The Nerd as Dracula: You play as Dracula, tryin' to leave his castle in the middle of the night to find his lady love Mina. There's a bunch of villagers who kill Dracula by simply touching him. I dunno what kind of sense that makes, but your only method of attack is waving a medallion or shakin' some object; I really don't know what it's supposed to be, but if you use it on someone, it hypnotizes them.
The Nerd as Dracula: It may seem simple, but you don't always have this item. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I think it has something to do with the blood meter, but I really don't know. So you can't count on it most of the time, so you have to flick switches which either control barriers to block your enemies or activate traps: Rolling balls, Frankenstein monsters, ghosts, or dropping chandeliers. So you need a lot of strategy to use these traps at the right time.
The Nerd as Dracula: When you stun people, you can suck their blood and, I think you can turn into a bat, but I've never seen it happen. But your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to ya. That's what I call a power-up, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps. You ain't shit without it. Pump it up, and air it out.
The Nerd as Dracula: The game also has a time limit, which is a real pain in the ass. If you get stuck on the stairs, you're dead. You can't drop down or you die, so those stairs are your worst enemy.
(The Nerd tries to go down the stairs and gets killed by a villager)
The Nerd as Dracula: Fuck.
(The Nerd tries again, but gets killed by a villager again)
The Nerd as Dracula: Fuck! Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a shit and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like, whaddya expect?
Dracula: Crazy Vampire
The Nerd as Dracula: Alright, on the Game Boy Color, let's try out Dracula: Crazy Vampire. What kinda title is that? We know Dracula's a vampire, and he's crazy, sure.
(the title screen music plays)
The Nerd as Dracula: Sounds like Phantom of the Opera...
(Phantom of the Opera theme plays)
The Nerd as Dracula: ...which sounds like Pink Floyd.
("Echoes" by Pink Floyd plays)
The Nerd as Dracula: Anyway, it's a typical overhead action/exploration game. Yeah, there's not really much to say. What's Dracula's deal? He's got a big head and his face, he's like DUUUUHH. It's kinda redundant, and there's no map, so I really don't know where I'm supposed to go; just goin' around throwin' bats at dogs. That's real creative.
Sesame Street The Count's Countdown
The Nerd as Dracula: Okay, now let's go for The Count's Countdown. Yeah, from Sesame Street. You get an option to Hop or Run, which is really weird. If you pick Hop, that's all you can do: just hop your way through the whole stage. I've never heard of something like that. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. if you had a choice where you can only run, or jump.
The Nerd as Dracula: So you pick a number, and the Count starts talkin'.
Count von Count: (cackles) Find 10.
The Nerd as Dracula: Man, that's weird. So you gotta go around and find the same number, or things that add up to that number.
Count von Count: (cackles)
The Nerd as Dracula: So when you finish that, you go up in the clouds and you have to hit the blocks 'til the numbers come up, and then you hit the bell. That's about the extent of that.
Count von Count: Got it! (cackles)
The Nerd as Dracula: Why am I playing this?
Bram Stoker's Dracula (NES)
The Nerd as Dracula: Okay, so this is Bram Stoker's Dracula on the NES. It's based on the Coppola movie by the same name, just as much as the movie's based on the novel, I suppose. I guess you're supposed to be Keanu Reeves.
The Nerd as Dracula: What's this, blocks with question marks? Right outta Super Mario Bros.? Yeah, even the stages are kinda similar.
The Nerd as Dracula: Only seconds into the first level, I come to a wall. There's nowhere to go. I try jumping down, but that doesn't work, so I had to fuck about until I found out you're supposed to do this ground-stomp thing. Yeah, by jumping in the air and hitting Down! Why the fuck do ya gotta do that?!
The Nerd as Dracula: The music is just a scrambled mess of 8-bit chaos. (scrambled 8-bit music from "Bram Stoker's Dracula")
The Nerd as Dracula: I've made it to the first incarnation of Dracula, a shadow that emerges from the wall. There's not enough time to hit him. You can either get outta the way or try to attack. Most of the time I can only hit him when he's going the other way. He's just a pain in the ass.
Bram Stoker's Dracula (SNES/Genesis)
The Nerd as Dracula: Next, we have another Bram Stoker's Dracula. This game was released on both the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. Both versions are pretty much the same.
The Nerd as Dracula: Your sword is a joke; it's about as effective as a butter knife. The game's pretty simple, it's your average platformer. You wander all around fighting a boring array of enemies and search the place for an exit. You can't go in the exit until you find some strange old man who thinks about a weapon. Then, you can go find that weapon, or head straight to the exit. What's that all about? He thinks of a weapon? Can you read minds? Why doesn't he just give you the weapon and say, "Here. Now go to the exit."? It doesn't even tell you that part.
The Nerd as Dracula: The bosses are senseless. The first one has this gravitational pull that sucks you toward him. There's no strategy; you'll never be able to get close enough to attack him and avoid him at the same time, so the only thing that makes sense is to stand right next to him, and just keep hitting him and hope that he dies before you do!
The Nerd as Dracula: The strangest enemy I've noticed is this green plant thing. It just looks like something's wrong. When I saw another one, I figured out what it is. Ya see? They're supposed to be coming outta the walls. What's this shit? It looks like it's suspended in the air. Were they too lazy to just flip it around?
The Nerd as Dracula: What I really fuckin' hate are these goddamn spears. Aw, eff-- I mean, fuck! How the Hell am I supposed to get past these things?! There's no fuckin' pattern! Your only hope is to dodge the first one, then just run through it, and in most games, when you get hit, you're invincible for a brief moment. But here, you have no recovery time! You just take damage 'til you die, and it can drain all your life in one fast combo.
(Jonathan Harker gets killed)
The Nerd as Dracula: (yells) FUCK! Game Over? That's it? Overall, it's a mediocre platformer game and a cheap exploitation of the Coppola movie.
(The Nerd sees the name of producer Fred Fuchs in the credits)
The Nerd as Dracula: Wait, who's this? Fred Fush-Fred Fuchs? (He pronounces "fuchs" as "fucks") FRED FUCHS?! FRED FUCHS! Oh my God, Fred Fuchs! (moans) Oh, my God, it's Fred Fuchs! (laughs awkwardly) Fred Fuchs...! (Director's note: It's actually pronounced "fooks".)
Bram Stoker's Dracula (Sega CD)
The Nerd as Dracula: Okay, one more. Now really, this could go on forever. Bram Stoker's Dracula on the Sega CD. I already commented on this game in my Sega CD review, but it's just so bad. It has impressive graphics for its time, and it has all these cutscenes where it shows clips from the movie, but it's so badly pixelated and it's pointless. There's also this guy with a pipe reading a book. (man speaks indistinctly) Why?
The Nerd as Dracula: I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves): (Screams)
The Nerd as Dracula: (Mimics scream) What the Hell, is that clip even from the movie? I dunno, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.
Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves): (Screams)
The Nerd as Dracula: The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward tryin' to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you. You just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, I mean, not your bare hands.
The Nerd as Dracula: All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is; it's just rats and bats. How many fuckin' games need to have bats?! Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, BUT WHY DO SO MANY GAMES HAVE SO MANY FUCKIN' BATS?! Seriously. I. FUCKING. HATE. BATS.
(A bat flies up at the Nerd's face and he bites its head off. More bats come towards the Nerd as Dracula and he fights them all off, and throws one to the ground and stomps on it with his Reebok Pumps, and throwing one to the wall.)
The Nerd as Dracula: (groans) I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!
(The Nerd as Dracula opens the blinds and gets vanquished by the morning sun as he cries out in anguish.)