The Nerd: This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah, for the first time, I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game, and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words comin' out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supportin' the show, this one's my little reward to you. Enjoy.
(remixed Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays)
The Nerd: Deadly Towers on the NES. First of all, what's with the poorly drawn Herculean Viking guy on the cover of the game? What, was Fabio unavailable that weekend? And talk about false advertising, the in-game character doesn't even come close to looking like that. Some boy in a green spandex jumpsuit with horns. What the fuck?
The Nerd: Outside of Japan, the game was supposed to be called Hells Bells. I'm sure they changed it because they didn't want to associate this piece of ass-fudge to anything good like AC/DC.
The Nerd: If you let it load, it plays a backstory. No one would ever wanna read this much text, and it scrolls way too fast! Hell, I don't even know if it tells you what you're supposed to do anyway; you have to collect seven bells and burn 'em in a sacred fire, or some shit like that.
The Nerd: When you start the game, it doesn't tell you where to go or what to do. And watch out for what door you go in, it's a beginner's trap! You don't know where to go, so you just walk into a room and... (he gets bombarded by a troupe of enemies) SHIT! THE ENEMIES GANG-RAPE YOUR ASS!
The Nerd: At first you might say, "Hey, the game looks decent. You got a sword which you can shoot, much like in Zelda." But the enemies at the start of the game don't die with one hit. No, you have to hit them repeatedly! And the worst, you can't stab the sword like in Zelda after you shoot, you have to wait till the sword leaves the screen until you can fire again. Come on! Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow. Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inch worms and bats, I'd probably let them kill me. Since when are you supposed to just throw a sword anyway? I mean, swinging it at your enemy would have worked nicely, but no, he throws it, and where the Hell does he get all these swords?
The Nerd: Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that?! That's like saying, "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!" It's almost like the game just wants to fuckin' PISS YOU OFF!
The Nerd: Every screen in this game is just a CLUSTERFUCK OF SHITTY BAD GUYS TO FIGHT! Oh great, I'm being attacked by BALLS! BLUE BALLS, NO LESS. Oddly enough, they're the hardest to kill for some reason. THEY TAKE, LIKE, 20 DAMN HITS! THEY'RE JUST FUCKIN' BALLS! It's as if they ran out of decent enemy ideas and just programmed random moving shapes to come kill you. It's like: "What the fuck are sprites from Marble Madness doing in this game?"
The Nerd: My biggest complaint with the game is that there's no in-game map. That'd be fine if you could distinguish where you are with different backgrounds, but everything looks so similar, IT'S TOO EASY TO GET LOST! The game's like a maze, but it's beyond that. IT'S A FUCKED UP GUESSING-GAME MAZE WITH NO END!
The Nerd: I stumbled onto some area where there's no door, there's no icon or anything to let you know that anything's there, you just gotta take a shitty guess, like in Simon's Quest where you kneel down in that corner waiting for the tornado to take you away. You can just be walkin' around and you just magically appear in a room when there are clearly no doorways around. I mean, what kind of sense does that make? Have you ever just walked into a wall and appeared in another room?
The Nerd: You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. Tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called ludder. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant, and according to an urban dictionary, ludder means cheap-ass hoe! So, therefore, we're already startin' out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doin' alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores? Maybe we'll find out later. Now, I can understand wanting to call the currency a fantastic world something different, but, what's wrong with just calling it gold?
The Nerd: You can find power ups to make you stronger, but good luck finding a store that'll give you any. They're found in underground dungeons infested with enemies that can kill ya faster than you can say "game over".
The Nerd: Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game. Imagine taking a phonograph machine, submerging it in diarrhea, and wiring it to a horse's ass to use as a speaker. It makes nails on a chalkboard sound like fuckin' Mozart! And listen to this, see what happens when you go to a different room in the castle. (music starts over) The music starts all over again! It gets really annoying because you're constantly going from room to room, so you're hearing the same part of the music over and over again!
The Nerd: What's the fuckin' deal with the ledges that you fall off of?! A lot of the places are really narrow and it's hard avoiding those ledges. And to top it all off, when enemies hit you, it knocks you back a bit! And more times than not, they send you falling down a conveniently placed ledge. And do people normally spin like that when they fall off of somethin'? Reminds me of shit spinnin' down the fuckin' toilet! (toilet flushing sound)
The Nerd: When you die, you have to start at the beginning of the game! What kind of shit is this?! I honestly don't have the patience to get any farther in this game to see if there's another checkpoint or somethin'.
The Nerd: Whenever you die, you get a password. But it makes no sense, because no matter how far you got into the fucking game, YOU START FROM THE BEGINNING WITH ALL THE PASSWORDS! AND WHAT PROGRAMMER DECIDED TO PUT A TIME LIMIT ON THE FUCKING PASSWORD SCREEN?!
The Nerd: When they named this game Deadly Towers, they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets. This game is so fuckin' hard it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old McDonald. This game is equal to that of liquid ass butter! STAY AWAY FROM THIS HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT-ENCRUSTED FUCK! I'D RATHER SUCK FARTS OUT OF A DOG'S ASS!
The Nerd: Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try. Anyway, this game isn't just your average turd, it's the kind of putrid rancid disgusting turd that sits in a truck stop bathroom for 20 years until even the flies won't go near it. It's games like this that make me regret ever picking up an NES controller.
The Nerd: This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap, and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!
The Nerd: This is so bad, Satan wouldn't even accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dried shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game! No, better yet, DON'T fuck this game, don't let your friends fuck it! IT'S UNFUCKWORTHY! This game is just an orgy of ass! This game is a chicken-lickin' finger fuckin' son of a bitch! This game is ball cider! The Assholians bow down to this piece of shit! In other words, the game sucks.
(Speakonia version of Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays)