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Battletoads - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 55

(The Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays, finishes and Kyle Justin moves to his right)

The Nerd: (picks up the game from his futon) Battletoads on Nintendo. Now don't worry. It's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. (Kyle Justin enters and sits on the Nerd's futon) But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin': "What is this? A cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff or somethin'?" But uh, it was actually pretty good-- (Nerd turns to his right, notices Kyle and starts talking to him) Who the fuck are you?

Kyle: I'm your guitar guy. (the Nerd doesn't get it) I...sing your theme song... (the Nerd still doesn't get it) from...behind the couch?

The Nerd: Well then GO BACK BEHIND THE DAMN COUCH! Geez.

Kyle: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.

The Nerd: Well look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.

Kyle: (stutters) Why can't I do the review with you?

The Nerd: Oh, uh, because that's not how it WORKS! It's like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ASS back BEHIND THE FUCKING COUCH!

Kyle: (angrily): I don't ever get to do anything! You don't even use my song that much anymore!

The Nerd: Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!

Kyle: There are NO other couches to go behind!

(Kyle fights back his tears and has a B&W flashback, while a piano version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays.)

The Nerd: (Kyle hides behind the futon) What a piece of shit.

The Nerd from his "Top Gun" review: ASSSS! FUUUUUCK!

The Nerd from his "Power Glove" review: You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. (Kyle still hides behind the futon) It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fuckin' suck, it fucks!

The Nerd from his "Back to the Future" review: I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a road killed skunk than play this game. (Kyle hides behind the futon and writes what the Nerd says on his notepad, making it part of his lyrics for The Angry Video Game Nerd theme)

The Nerd from his "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" review: (Nerd drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock and puts in on the futon. Kyle, who hides behind the futon, sees the bottle of Rolling Rock and tries to take a drink, but there's none left) Cowabunga. Cow-a-fuckin' piece of dog shit! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing wit...

(flashback is over and goes back to Kyle, who still fights back his tears, and the Nerd doesn't want to see him upset and finally gives in)

The Nerd: All right, fine. You can sit here just this one time!

(Kyle smiles as the Nerd picks up the first controller)

Kyle: (happily) Thank you.

The Nerd: All right? You happy?

Kyle: I'm very happy. (Kyle picks up the second controller)

The Nerd: Very good. Okay. (to the viewers) So anyway, Battletoads on the NES. (to Kyle) Wh -- PUT THAT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN! DROP IT! YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' PLAY THE GAME WITH ME!

Kyle: (chuckles in disbelief) Why not?

The Nerd: Because, it's-it's not even a two-player game.

Kyle: Yeah it is.

The Nerd: No it's not. Look, you see two players? Press Start, that's it. (to the viewers) All right, so anyway, the game begins, and -- (To Kyle) How'd you do that?

Kyle: I... pushed Start?

The Nerd: (shocked) Oh, so it's arcade-style. The second player has to push Start to join in. Why not just a regular select screen like any other NES game? (to viewers) Speakin' of which, the intro shows three toads: Rash, Pimple, and Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea?

The Nerd: Besides, Pimple's not even in the game. He's captured and the goal is to rescue him. But on to the game, the first level's like a classic beat 'em up. Punching people is so satisfying. I like how your fists enlarge. When you headbutt, you grow ram horns. And when you kick, your foot grows into a giant boot. You can throw your enemies and grab weapons. So much fun. And when you pause the game, you get this catchy beat.

Angry Video Game Nerd Battletoads screenshot

(the game pauses, the catchy beat plays and the Nerd and Kyle dance along with it)

The Nerd: What's the point of that? When you pause the game, it should just be quiet. (to Kyle) Get the dragon! Hit him, hit him! (Nerd's toad hits Kyle's toad by accident)

Kyle: What the hell?!

The Nerd: Oh, I didn't know I could hit ya! Get the pig! Knock him off! (Kyle's toad kick Nerd's toad off the platform by accident) Hey, you killed me!

Kyle: Sorry.

The Nerd: Oh, flies! Let me get 'em!

Kyle: No, I need 'em!

The Nerd: Mine! Mine!

Kyle: Mine!

The Nerd: Oh look, it's a 1-up. (Nerd's toad tries to get the 1-up, but misses) Aw, fuck!

Kyle: (his toad gets the 1-up) Yeah!

The Nerd: Aw, that's not fair. You kill me, and then take my 1-up?

Kyle: Hey, I let you try to get it. It's not my fault you fucked up.

The Nerd: It's the boss. Don't get hit. (Kyle's toad gets hit by the boss) Dumbass. (Nerd's toad defeats the boss)

The Nerd: (to the viewers) Okay, Level 2: You're hangin' on strings goin' down a hole or somethin'. (to Kyle) Get the bird!

Kyle: I'm tryin'! (Kyle's toad knocks off Nerd's toad instead)

The Nerd: Aw, you fucker!

Kyle: I didn't mean to do it.

The Nerd: That's really a problem. You shouldn't be able to hit each other. THAT'S FUCKIN' BULLSHIT! Come on, you piece of shit! (Nerd's toad gets killed by the enemy) Ugh! (Game Over: Continue?)

Kyle: What happened?

The Nerd: I died.

Kyle: But I didn't die.

The Nerd: (to Kyle) Oh, that's lousy. If one player dies, you gotta start the level all over! (The Nerd and Kyle restart Level 2) Okay, so we can't hit each other. You take the right and I take the left.

Kyle: Okay. (Kyle's toad turns into a wrecking ball and accidentally kills Nerd's toad)

The Nerd: What the hell was that? I said stay to the right!

Kyle: I couldn't help it. This stupid wrecking ball thing just keeps swinging from side to side.

(Nerd's toad tries to kill the enemy with a wrecking ball, but it kills Kyle's toad instead)

The Nerd: Oops! I-I didn't mean that!

Kyle: Ya see?

The Nerd: WHY HAVE AN ATTACK LIKE THAT IN A GAME WHERE YOU CAN HARM THE OTHER PLAYER?! (Nerd's toad kill Kyle's toad again) Ah, fuck!

Kyle: How are we supposed to work as a team when ya keep killing me?

The Nerd: Level 3: We're real lucky we made it this far. (to Kyle) Yeah, pound the guy into the ground. (Nerd's toad hits both the enemy and Kyle's toad at the same time)

Kyle: Aw, what the fuck?

The Nerd: (groans) You get him.

Kyle: No, you get him.

The Nerd: All right. (Nerd's toad beats up an enemy) So awesome. Just pound him to the ground and kick him. (Nerd's toad kicks the enemy off the ground and then falls off the platform) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?! (to Kyle) All right now, just don't hit the walls. But get the ramp. Get the ramp. (Nerd's toad falls to the hole of balls) Aw, fuck!

Kyle: How'd you miss that?!

The Nerd: I don't know! (Nerd's toad falls to the hole of balls again) All right, let's try again.

(Kyle's toad misses the ramp)

Kyle: Shit!

The Nerd: You missed the ramp! (Game Over: Continue?) Game Over?! That's Game Over for you, not for me!

Kyle: Uh, I don't know.

(Level 3 restarts)

The Nerd: What? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we BOTH have to restart the level!

Kyle: Sorry.

The Nerd: THAT'S BULLSHIT! THAT'S TERRIBLE PROGRAMMING! How is it fair that when one player dies, they both have t-- AND MY LIVES AREN'T REPLENISHED! I still have just one extra life! That means I'm gonna die next, and then we're both gonna have to start over again. Watch it! Watch it!

Kyle: I know, I know! (Nerd's toad knocks off Kyle's toad) What the fuck?!

The Nerd: I swear I didn't mean to do that; I was just tryin' to hit the guy! Okay, now this is real important. None of us hit the walls, okay? Jump! Jump! (Nerd's toad crashes into the wall and flies off) Aw, fuck!

Kyle: Oh, good job.

(Game Over: Continue?)

The Nerd: Oh, my, God.

Kyle: Well, we gotta start all over again.

The Nerd: How many lives do you have?

Kyle: Like, two?

The Nerd: Well, I guess we're not gonna make it much further!

Kyle: Well, I could just die twice on purpose and then we can both start--

The Nerd: No, no-no-no! FUCK that! There's NO REASON why the game should be programmed this way! And we shouldn't have to STAND FOR IT!




The Nerd: YEAH, NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'! ALL RIGHT! (to the viewers) So anyway,


The Nerd: (to Kyle) Yeah, you do that! GO BUNKER YOURSELF...FROM ALL THESE, LIKE, SHITTY GAMES! Yeah! (to the viewers) So, Battletoads is not a two-player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a Siamese bulldog attached to your anus! It's just wh- like, with one player, it's hard. But with two, it's virtually unplayable!

Kyle: (playing his guitar and singing) ♪ He's the angriest gamer you ever heard. ♪


Kyle(playing his guitar and singing) ♪ He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd. ♪




(The Nerd laughs humorously)

The Nerd: (to the viewers) Basically, Battletoads is not a two--


(Kyle moves behind the futon)

The Nerd: Well, good then! I mean, go bunker your- (starts to laugh) Fuck!