(The Nerd sits down putting on a Batman costume)
The Nerd: Alright, let's dig into a big pile of bat shit! As you can see, I'm all ready, because, (puts on Batmask) in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... (husky voice) you gotta be Batman.
Batman: The Caped Crusader (Commodore 64)
The Batnerd: Let's start with Batman: The Caped Crusader for the Commodore 64. This game came out a year before the Tim Burton movie, which makes it the only game on our list that's not movie-licensed.
The Batnerd: You get a choice to fight against the Penguin or the Joker, but both games seem to be identical. I never really got far enough to find out. Every time you exit a screen, another panel pops up. I guess they were tryin' to make it look like a comic book, but it's just awkward.
The Batnerd: The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles, or bats, which take shits on ya. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs droppin' outta their asses.
The Batnerd: The control is weird. As you can see the instruction manual explains it. To do different punches and kicks you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button. It's also ridiculous tryin' to hit anybody. You have to be like a step away! And no matter how many times you hit somebody, they don't die!
(The Batnerd is fighting a bad guy)
The Batnerd: Die!
(The bad guy refuses to die)
The Batnerd: What the hell?!
(The Batnerd looks at the screen in shock)
The Batnerd: There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
The Batnerd: So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here! What is all this shit? "Restart game"? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting?!
(the keyboard stops working)
The Batnerd: Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: it only works when it feels like it.
The Batnerd: Well anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! (husky voice) I'm Batman.
(the Batnerd throws '"Batman: The Caped Crusader" on Commodore 64 to the ground)
The Batnerd: Next is the one which most people know: Batman on the NES. Overall, when it comes to games, the Dark Knight's been treated a lot better than Superman. Because there do exist good Batman games, and this is one of 'em.
The Batnerd: The graphics are dark and stylish, just like the movie it represents, and the music is kick-ass. (kick-ass 8-bit music from "Batman: The Video Game" on NES)
The Batnerd: The gameplay is addicting. You have a punch and a variety of Bat-Weapons. You have a Ninja Gaiden-style wall jump which is somethin' you really gotta get used to, because as the game progresses, it gets trickier, and trickier. There's this one part where I swear you have no choice but to get hit by these spinning gears. (Batman gets hit by a gear)
The Batnerd: Getting up to the Joker takes a lot of patience, and if you actually beat him, you deserve a medal. A good game for the NES library, but a hard son of a bitch.
The Batnerd: Next up, Batman Returns on Super Nintendo. With the release of the movie sequel, many more games came along to cash in on the franchise. This one's a lot simpler, just a good old arcade-style beat-'em-up. It's mind-numbing and redundant, but satisfying as hell. I just beat the shit out of 'em.
Sega CD version
The Batnerd: There were many versions of Batman Returns, and here's one on Sega CD. It showed off some impressive graphics for the time, like the cinematic shot of Batman behind the wheel, and the 3D driving stages. To tell you the truth, I never made it past these driving stages, it just goes ON and ON. Boring as shit, next game. (husky voice) I'm Batman. (the Batnerd throws "Batman Returns" on Sega CD like a Frisbee and it breaks)
Atari Lynx version
The Batnerd: Next up, Batman Returns for the Atari Lynx. A lot of these early handheld consoles had the same problem. You can barely see the screen; you gotta tilt it at the right angle. So this isn't gonna be easy to play.
The Batnerd: Anyway, you're just goin' around punchin' people. It's pretty self-explanatory, but, GODDAMN is it hard! I keep getting hit by dynamite and I can barely see where it's coming from! And there doesn't seem to be any kind of jump attack. Damn! Alright, well this one gets the official Bat-Stamp of Shit. Onto the next game, but first, gotta tell it I'm Batman. (Husky voice) I'm Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...
The Adventures of Batman & Robin (SNES)
The Batnerd: The Adventures of Batman & Robin on Super Nintendo. Yeah, of course they had to make a Batman game based off every Batman movie that came out, but they also had to do one based off the animated series. It's kinda like a cross between a beat-'em-up and a 2D side-scroller; you just keep movin' right and bashin' everybody in your way.
The Batnerd: But then there comes times when you need a little bit of problem solving to figure out what to do. Sometimes it gets kinda annoying, like this part. (Batman tries to jump on the rollercoaster, but he fails) How the hell was I supposed to know I can't jump on the rollercoaster?! But in conclusion, this is one you might wanna try out. Not a bad game, let it pass.
Batman Forever (SNES)
The Batnerd: Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles. Since the side-scrolling, driving, and beat-'em-up thing had already been done to death, my guess is that they were attempting something a little different with this game. As soon as it begins you'll notice it bears an uncanny resemblance to Mortal Kombat. It's literally the same control scheme with all the same moves. (shows footage from the Sega CD version of "Mortal Kombat") Being that it was also made by Acclaim, it makes you wonder why they would repackage a fighting game into a Batman game. I almost expect to see Batman rip someone's spinal cord out.
The Batnerd: This kind of fighting style just doesn't work for a platforming side-scroller like this. It just slows things down! Whenever you knock somebody to the ground, you gotta wait for them to get back up again. Ya hit 'em again, and it just goes on, and on, and on! It's also real annoying that UP is jump whereas there's plenty of buttons to choose from! But that's only the beginning to how atrociously ASS this fuck-fest is!
The Batnerd: Within the first minute or two, you come to a wall, which is pretty much a dead end. You can't do jack-shit! So you figure "Okay, I probably gotta go up there." So you try jumping all around but it's useless.
The Batnerd: You try every possible combination of buttons 'til you find that SELECT shoots this wire outta your crotch. That's real random, right? The Select button?! But this wire or grappling hook, whatever, it doesn't latch on to anything! Almost as if it's just for show. At first I thought that you just need to stand in the right spot but, no matter where I go, nothing happens!
(tries to get up to the 2nd floor)
The Batnerd: Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' BULLSHIT!
The Batnerd: You'd think to shoot up you just press Up, but NO, it jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, "okay, this is how it works". To shoot up, you press Select and Up in a very specific way. You have to press Select, slightly before you press Jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump.
The Batnerd: (angrily) That's a good reason why the Jump button SHOULD NOT BE UP! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!
The Batnerd: If THIS (Up on the D-pad) aimed your grappling hook, and THIS (B button) jumped, THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT NO, THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!
The Batnerd: And on top of that, you have to be standing in the correct spot. And this spot is VERY precise. You'd think all that mattered is if you were under the hole, but NO! It's like EXACT! This one magic pixel of a spot! You gotta be RIGHT on the mark!
The Batnerd: So you just lumber all around, tryin' to figure out where to go, and whenever you access a new part of the game, it says "Hold On"! HOLD ON FOR WHAT?! IT HAS TO FUCKIN' LOAD?!
The Batnerd: It's also interesting to note that you have the option of playing as Robin. But who would do that? I wanna be Batman.
The Batnerd: I guess the goal is to rescue all the security guards. When you untie them, they do this melodramatic sort of pose like, "Yay, I'm free!" The villains are all stock, it's just guys in flashy suits and guys with chainsaws. Oooh, look at that, chainsaw to the dick. Why does it take so long to kill people?
(the Batnerd is shown getting real annoyed and puts his left hand in his utility belt)
The Batnerd: Everything's so dark, you can never tell where there's a door. Then you walk back and look for one of those spots where you can use your grappling dick. (Batman manages to jump onto his grappling hook) See? Right there. That was just a lucky guess.
The Batnerd: Another problem is the fuckin' foreground keeps blockin' me! It's like GET THAT SHIT OUTTA THE WAY, I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOIN'! I'D RATHER HAVE A DIARRHEA DOG TAKE A LAVA DUMP ALL OVER THE SCREEN!
The Batnerd: And just when ya thought you had the controls all figured out, you come to this part where you need to jump down. You'd expect to be able to just simply push Down, maybe in combination with the jump button. But oh, that's right, there is no fuckin' jump button. It's Up. That would be pretty impressive, to be able to press Down and Up at the same time. Well anyway, you try every combination imaginable and guess what? It's Down and R! YEAH, R! THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE OF THE MAIN BUTTONS! WHY R?! And again, the R button has to be tapped slightly before you press Down.
The Batnerd: And sometimes there isn't even a hole to tell ya where you're able to do that! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CRYPTIC?!
(the Batnerd is in shock over how bad the controls are in "Batman Forever" on Super NES)
The Batnerd: (screams) WHA- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF! It's like, the controls in this game are like somethin' you'd do for a cheat code! Not a BASIC MOVE that ya have to do, in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an ASININE, BALL-BRAINED, COCKAMAMIE, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like JEEZ, there's four buttons right on the front of the controller!
The Batnerd: BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead they have to like, program it like, all into like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like Up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game! Select should be like for the menus or somethin'. I mean, jeez, like were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!
The Batnerd: (husky voice) I'm Batmaaaaan. (throws "Batman Forever" to the floor)
The Batnerd: (speaks in a raspy voice from all the yelling) That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. Review's over.
(the Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch)
Joker: Batman! Batman, you wanna play a really shitty Nintendo game, Batman?! Well how 'bout, Return of the Joker on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?!
The Batnerd: (normal voice) But I'm not really Batman, though.
Joker: You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! (cackles) Come on Batman, let's play!
(the Batnerd punches the Joker in the face and picks him up)
The Batnerd: I'M NOT PLAYIN' ANYMORE SHITTY BATMAN GAMES!
Joker: (chortles) Yes, you are!
(water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face)
Joker: (cackles) Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! (the Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts "Return of the Joker" into the NES Top Loader and the caption "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on the screen)
The Batnerd: (narrating) Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!