The Nerd: You've decorated the tree, you've hung the lights, you've made the lists, hyped up by all those commercials and catalog pages, all those hot new video games you gotta have. But this is the giving season, right? Yeah. Giving your parents' money to Kaybee's and Kiddie City, or if there is a magical place in the North Pole where Sega and Nintendo products are being manufactured on drifting sheets of ice, then Santa better get his fat ass down the chimney and give me the presents now!
(The door opens and Keith Apicary bursts in with the presents, startling the Nerd so that he breaks a mug on his chin.)
Keith: Dude. I got the presents!
The Nerd: Keith! How did you do it?
Keith: I stole from Santa, thanks to my disguise. I put on a costume from the 2003 smash hit movie Elf.
The Nerd: This is so awesome. Let's open it.
Keith: All right.
(They open the presents, and the Nerd is startled.)
Keith: The Sega Activator. The full body control that lets you jump into the action.
The Nerd: It gives you the ultimate edge for those hot new fighting games. Get totally physically involved, man.
Keith: At first you won't see the advantages of the Activator. But then (punches the camera) it'll hit you.
(Keith and the Nerd struggle to put the Activator together. Keith accidentally hits the Nerd)
The Nerd: Eight panels fire infrared beams that every punch, kick, and move is transformed into the action on-screen. Get into the game and become the characters.
(The Nerd turns on a TV and places Eternal Champions into the Genesis. The Nerd moves around the Activator, kicking.)
Keith: Oh, yeah.
The Nerd: (exclaims)
(Pause) (The Nerd continues kicking and punching.) (Pause)
Keith: Come on, fight me.
The Nerd: I can't even move. (Fighter gets punched and kicked.) Imagine playing the U-Force while standing up and using your whole body. That's what this is. I can't believe the box says "better than standard hand controllers!". What were they thinking? (Smashes mug on the TV)
Keith (stunned): Mm... let me try.
(The Nerd puts Streets of Rage 2 in the Sega Genesis)
The Nerd: Streets of Rage 2.
Keith: Yes. That's my autobiography.
(Keith punches, kicks, and moves around within the Activator, and his player still gets beat up.)
Keith: (Groans and faints)
The Nerd: How about another one?
Keith: Yeah, all right, let's open it. (Open present)
The Nerd: Wow. The Aura Interactor. What the hell is that?
Keith: Well, it's the new radical virtual reality force feed that's rumble-ware. Using electromagnetic actu-wear technology.
The Nerd: Well, fuck yeah!
Keith: Low-frequency sounds are transmitted into the interactive power amplifier, converting it into gnarly vibrations.
The Nerd: That means you can now finally feel like you're in the game! I've always wanted to feel the punches! (punches camera)
Keith: The kicks! (kicks camera)
The Nerd: The crashes! (A wall crashes)
Keith: The slaaaam dunks! (He makes a slam dunk and the basketball breaks to a million pieces)
The Nerd: Explosions! (A helicopter explodes)
Keith: And more!
(The Nerd sets up the Aura Interactor and places Evander Holyfield's "Real Deal" Boxing into the Genesis. The Nerd punches from within the Activator.)
The Nerd: (Exclaims)
(The Nerd uppercuts and roundhouse-kicks. Shots of Mortal Kombat 3 and Street Fighter 2. Keith falls back on a small wooden table, breaking it.)
The Nerd: How are you supposed to do a Hadouken with this thing? So Keith, how's the Interactor?
Keith: It's wicked, man.
(Keith gives a thumbs-up. A green glass bottle rolls off an adjacent table and breaks on Keith's head. A frying pan also conks Keith on the head.)
The Nerd: All right, let me try this. (Street Fighter 2)
Keith: (Yells) (Keith also punches) (Cries out)
Voice in game: (Karate cries)
The Nerd: (Shouting)
(Keith punches hard, and the Nerd falls onto a small table, passing out.)
Voice in game: Shoryuken!
The Nerd: (Screams and falls back into a wall of presents.)
Keith: Oh my god. What is in this one? (Opens present) Oh, totally tubular. It's the TeeVGolf.
(Keith sets up the TeeVGolf club and places Sonic the Hedgehog into the Genesis. Keith swings and Sonic jumps in place.)
Keith: Oh-oh, wow.
(Keith swings again and Sonic jumps in place again.)
The Nerd: You idiot. That's for golf. Here. (Removes Sonic from the Genesis.)
Keith: You turned off Sonic. Christmas offense.
(The Nerd places PGA European Tour into the Genesis, and swings as does the player in the game.)
The Nerd: Well, it works.
(Keith smashes himself in the face with a frying pan and knocks himself out.)
(The Nerd opens another present.)
Keith: The VictorMaxx Virtual Reality Stuntmaster.
The Nerd: Wow. Now we can really feel like we're in the game. (Takes out the Stuntmaster.) Wow.
Keith: It's a wire squid. How do we hook this up?
The Nerd: It's easy. Set the mode switch. The adapter connects the cable assembly. The multi-out jack connects the video output on the back of your Sega Genesis Model 1. The cable assembly's controller jack connects the first port on the front of the console. The other control jack connects the controller. The power jack connects the power output, which connects the AC adapter, which plugs into the wall. That means the video signal, the AC power, and the controller all share the same wire. (Pauses.) That is crazy.
Keith: You're really chugging some gigabytes.
The Nerd (puts on the Stuntmaster and groans): This thing weighs a ton.
Keith: That's why you need the VictorMaxx Tracking Tube, included with the Stuntmaster for maximum stabilization.
The Nerd: Wow. What is it?
Keith: It's a plastic stick. You just clip it like this, connect it like so, and now you have optimum support.
The Nerd: Oh, great. They really figured this out.
Keith: Also, the movement of your head controls the action from left to right.
The Nerd: Oh. Wow. That's some advanced shit. (PGA European Tour) There's a force in this universe. All you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking. Let things happen. Be the ball. (Swings TeeVGolf club, breaks a green glass bottle and grunts)
(The Nerd swings another glass bottle, sending it rolling to the door and smashing into pieces, swings the club into Keith's face, knocking Keith back into the fireplace.)
(Bricks fall onto Keith's head, and a fire starts.)
The Nerd: Keith!
(The Nerd picks up the fire extinguisher and throws it at Keith.)
(Screen blurs and fades to a partially opened present.)
(Keith gets up, picks up present, and opens it.)
Keith: It's a Batter Up baseball bat.
The Nerd: Gimme dat. (Take Me Out to the Ballgame plays. The Nerd swings the bat into the Christmas tree.)
Umpire in game: "Strike!"
Keith: I got the ultimate bodily reflexes.
(The Nerd swings the bat into Keith, sending him crashing into the tree and falling.)
Umpire in game: "Strike!"
(The Nerd hits a clock with the bat, and breaks the glass on the front. The Nerd swings into the clock again, picking it up with the bat.)
Umpire in game: "Perfect."
(The Nerd swings the clock into the wall, breaking more glass. The pendulum falls and hits Keith.)
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Oh, this thing is murder on my eyes. (Struggles to remove the Stuntmaster) It's stuck! Get it off!
(The Nerd smashes glass bottles against the Stuntmaster, which falls on Keith.)
Keith: Let me try that.
(Keith puts on Stuntmaster and feels around for the Batter Up bat but picks up a regular wooden baseball bat instead. The Nerd gasps. Keith swings back and forth, hitting the tree and the fireplace, breaking the bat. Keith spins around and falls next to the Nerd.)
Keith: Ooh. What's this?
The Nerd: I don't know. Let's see. (They open the present.)
Keith: The Menacer.
The Nerd: The Sega Menacer. Can you look more menacing, man?!
Keith: Yeah. (Plays Terminator) The Sega Menacer. The only game good for a man. Ha-ha-ha I'll kill your face! (Shoots Terminators) Take that! (Blows on Menacer) I'll be right back.
(Keith shoots fighter jets as the Nerd swings the Tracking Tube, accidentally hitting Keith)
Keith: (yells) Ah!
(The Nerd struggles to get the Tracking Tube off and eventually does, falling back. Keith also falls back, onto the damaged clock. The Nerd falls back into another wall of presents.)
The Nerd: (exclaims) Oh.
(Keith gets up, pulling a curtain off the wall. Unable to see, he falls into the tree, knocking it over.) (The Nerd falls back onto the door, knocking down the wreath.)
(Keith gets up, lifting the tree over his head. A blue glass bottle falls onto the Nerd's head. Keith spins around with the tree, knocking things over, eventually falling over. A cup falls onto the Nerd's head, breaking. Keith backs up still holding the tree. The Nerd removes the wreath and falls into the presents. Keith falls through a thin wall, which the Nerd approaches in disbelief.)
James Rolfe: Want some more Angry Video Game Nerd? The DVD collector set is available. Nine DVDs containing 139 episodes and bonus content. DVD #9 is the newest and picks up where the last one left off, and has some awesome new extras and behind-the-scenes footage. On Blu-Ray we have the epic Angry Video Game Nerd feature film with surround sound and if you want to have a marathon of the first 100 episodes, they're all on the Nerd Volume X Blu-Ray. Two new Blu-Rays are coming very soon. Nerd Volume X2 and Board James: The Complete Series. Any episodes shot in HD are presented in HD. All Blu-Rays and DVDs are able to play worldwide. None of that region coding bullshit. Also we have T-shirts, T-shirts, T-shirts, all on Amazon. See all product links in the description below, and have an awesome holiday season.