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The_Goonies_1_&_2_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

The Goonies 1 & 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(The episode begins with a clip from The Goonies movie, whereas Mikey appears inside at an abandoned Willy's Lair.)

Mikey: I know how these guys must've died.

(We see a close-up of dead skeletons, including the one that is holding the NES controller, then the two Goonies games appear on the Famicom and the NES top-loaders, as the Nerd takes out both the cartridges.)

The Nerd: Konami, a game company of legend. Their games were like treasures that kids sought after. Ruby red shooters, Emerald adorn beat-'em ups, Diamond lace platformers, and they all came sweeping into the the NES library like an armada. And of course, we talked about such great classics like Contra, Castlevania, it had so many other gems like Bucky O'Hare, and Life Force, and you had uh... Metal Gear and Bayou Billy, Castlevania II, Top Gun... and then you have Goonies 1 & 2.

(Chunk makes a retching sound)

The Nerd: So, The Goonies is one of those quinessential '80s movies about a group of kids who go on an adventure to seek out a hidden pirate treasure in hopes to use the fortune to save their homes from becoming a golf resort, while at the same time, being chased by a family of escaped prisoners, the Fratellis.

(Chunk screams over with a truck, then back runs away)

The Nerd: It may be a little dated, but it sure does have that fun-loving spirit and nostalgic vibe that's expected of the Spielberg brand. And of course, with something so cherished, it is a rule that it must be tarnished in the form of video games. Now there were various versions on the numerous home computers of the time, such as the Commodore 64, but the versions I'm talking about are the ones that were made for the Nintendo systems. Now first up, is the original Goonies which was both on the Famicom and Famicom Disc System. (Title screen for Goonies 1 play.) Let's start this up and give it a go.

The Goonies (Famicom)[]

The Nerd: Well, here it is. That beloved childhood adventure that you all knew has been turned into a repetitive scavenger hunt, where you go around kicking the shit out of giant mice to get bombs to blow open skull doors to collect keys.

Mikey: They-they blew up the walls all around him.

The Nerd: Once you have all three keys, you can unlock the next level. But that's not all, in each level, one of your friends has been kidnapped and you got to find them. You play as the character, Mikey, which is not very apparent and all he does is kick, but you can also find a slingshot. It seems they missed a lot of potential here, why not play as Data? That was the character who had all the cool gadgets. That would have been better than just a cliched slingshot. The enemies are no more inspired. Ghosts? Skeletons? Bats? Come on, why does every game have to have bats? Oh wait, the bats were in the movie. Okay, then. And it also has the criminals who chase you around. I assume they're the Fratellis. So it is following the movie somewhat, I guess. But the bats were probably just a coincidence. One thing I do have to commend, is they actually use the Cyndi Lauper song from the movie, The Goonies 'R' Good Enough. And it actually sounds pretty rad as a chip tune.

The Nerd: Anyway, there's not much else about this game. You just kill the mice, find the keys, unlock the gates, find the keys... you know, it's starting to feel like I'm playing the same levels over and over again. In fact, I think I am playing the same levels again. What's happening? Did it send me back to the beginning? That's right, it's the same five stages looping endlessly. What's worse than playing a shitty game? Playing a shitty game that never ends! I'm stuck! Trapped, forever!

Data: Forever?

Mikey: Forever.

Chunk: And ever?

Mikey: Trapped.

Chunk: Wow!

The Nerd: Actually, what happens here, is if you forget to rescue any of the kids, the game will allow you to keep on playing up to stage five but after that, it sends you back to the beginning. What kind of fucking shit is that?! It shouldn't let you pass any of the levels. It should say, go back and get the kid, asshole! No, instead it wants you to keep on playing, just to waste your fucking time!

The Nerd: On the screen, it does tell you how many kids you've saved, but not which stages they're from. So, if I'm on stage four and it showing I saved three kids, that could mean I missed the kid on stage one or two or whatever. I don't know, that was ancient history ago. I've been running around for so long, looking for keys. So after you've completed stage five with five kids saved, it lets you go to the sixth and final stage, the ship. It's very short. All you do is hop around fighting mice, and flying fish. I would make the statement that none of this shit ever happens in the movie, but that isn't the fucking problem anymore. The game has no bosses, none, whatsoever. You find the girl, and the game ends. All you get is a shortcut scene of the Goonies watching the pirate ship, like the movie. And then it says: THE END, CONGRATULATION. Oh, and you want to know what happens after that? It sends you back to level one, in case you want to play again.

The Nerd: Well, that was the version of The Goonies that we did not get here in the United States. It was in the arcades, but not on the home consoles. So they spared us that one, because you know why? We deserved something much shittier.

(Cut to the bathroom scene, as the high-powered jet of water geysers up from Troy's toilet, thrusting him up into the ceiling. He falls, crashing through the cubicle door and lands spread eagle on the bathroom floor, with water gushing all around him.)

The Goonies 2 (NES)[]

The Nerd: The Goonies 2 was one of those movie-sequel video games. Before there was ever a sequel, much like Top Gun: The Second Mission. Well of course, Top Gun did eventually get a sequel (Maverick), but so far, The Goonies has not. And if it does, hope it's nothing like this!

(A clip of The Goonies 2 video game appears on TV, showing an in-character, 8-bit Mikey falling off on a missed moving platform, then Sloth makes a frustrated scream, with Chunk tying up his hands on the chair, screaming at each other.)

Sloth: (Frustrated) Ahh!

Chunk: Aaaaaagh!

Sloth: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

The Nerd: The main villain from the first movie, Mama Fratelli, is back for revenge and this time, she's kidnapped Annie. Well, her name was Andy, but I'll assume it's a new character because... (Cuts to the Nerd) this... is Goonies II. The gameplay is similar to the first Goonies and even has the same song. You're just going around fighting insects and shit, but with a yo-yo this time. What was with video games using yo-yos as weapons? StarTropics? EarthBound? Yo Noid? Where did that come from? Has anyone ever hit someone with a yo-yo flawlessly to have the yo-yo wind itself back to their hand? That would be amazing! That didn't happen in the movie, (Cuts to the Nerd) but remember, this... is Goonies II. You still have bombs, but now you can also get maltov cocktails. That's just great, a 14-year-old kid's, running around throwing maltov cocktails. Good, family fun. But this ain't like the movie, (Cuts to the Nerd) because this... is Goonies II.

The Nerd: I'm going to be honest, I'm going to tell you straight out. As a side-scroller, this is a totally fine game. If you were a kid in the late '80s and rented it from the video store as I once had, you wouldn't find anything wrong. After you finish your homework, you kill some time by yo-yoing the fuck out of some spiders for a couple hours and call it a day. But, if you're trying to actually get anywhere, that's a whole other story.

Chunk: Oh, shitwad!

The Nerd: Let me tell you what I mean. You see these doors? Bet you go in there, right? I say, no, leave well enough alone. If you want any hope in getting some enjoyability out of this game, just forget about the doors. Sure, that means you won't get very far, but the trauma is not worth it. Don't... go in the doors. It's like The Shining, with the forbidden hotel room. The kid Danny is warned not to go in there, but he does anyway, because otherwise you wouldn't have much of a movie and here, I guess you wouldn't have much of a Nerd episode. Because, on the other side of these doors, that's where they hid the shitty game. I wish I didn't have to do this, but it is my duty... doo-ty. So, I'm going to go in there, and show you the inner workings of the Bullshit Fuck Factory.

(The 8-bit Mikey opens the door, then a parody of the Twilight Zone opening scene plays, as the Nerd narrates itself.)

The Nerd: You unlock this door with the key of humiliation. Beyond it, is an entirely different game. A game of shit, a game of awful sights, a game of torture to the mind. You're diving into the ass of the most toxic filthy substance of idiotic ideas you've just crossed over into... the Diarrhea Dimension.

The Nerd: Now all of a sudden, it looks like we're playing the cabin stages in Friday the 13th. But if Friday the 13th were shitty. And I know, I already said Friday the 13th was shitty, but not anymore. These rooms were designed without any common sense, programmed with no laws of physics. I don't know how to explain it because... I can't even fully understand it myself. I push up, to go in a door and next thing, I'm back to where I was. So I figured, down, must be forward. So I try that, and still don't know where I'm going. Left and right don't seem to do anything. You think it would turn Mikey's perspective, like in Friday the 13th? When I'm using an already shitty game as an example as what it should do, you know it's a bad sign. I can't comprehend the layout, there's no logical sense of space in this ass-inine architecture. I never even knew how fucking crack-brained a video game can be until I realized, Mikey can only face forward.

The Nerd: Left and right do work, if you're going through a side door. But, hang on, which direction am I looking now? How does this room relate to the one I was just in? When I went through the door, did my perspective turn ninety degrees, or did I walk sideways into the room? Is Mikey actually strafing into the next room? And remember, when I tried to go into a door that's right in front of my fucking face but ended up back outside the door I came in, that's because I walked backwards through the first door. You have to imagine, a theoretical door on the fourth wall in which he walks backwards through. Agghhh, does that make any sense? I'm trying my best to put this into words, but I just sound insane. But basically, you can't turn around so you can never actually see the door you came in. Never. But wait, that doesn't explain how up, moved me backwards. Well, if you look at the corner, you see Mikey inside that sort of directional compass. If he's facing toward us, that means down will move him in the direction he's facing, while up will move him backwards. So essentially what I'm saying is... You press up, to walk backwards out of a room! As soon as you get used to that, next thing, he's facing away. So now up is up, and down is down. I know 3D rooms in video games was a pretty new concept at the time, but wouldn't the simplest way to program this be up is always forward, down is always back, and anytime you turn left or right, that would change the perspective and re-orient the controls, right? Instead, this game seems to think of the D-Pad as a fixed direction so down will always move you to one side the room and so on.

The Nerd: The manual attempts to explain it, and even says "Hey, nobody ever said this was easy!" Man, they got that right. Even when you understand it, why does the character have to face different directions? I think it happens based on which way you've originally entered the room in relation to the overworld map, but, why was that necessary? How did they manage to fuck it up so bad? I'd say, it's very unlikely they've ever made a video game before this, but, there was Goonies 1. Hmmm....

The Nerd: Anyway, what's the goal in these rooms? Why are we here? Well, this is one of those point-and-click, fuck-around and find out type-of games, but in the bad kind of way, where all you're really doing is playing a blind guessing game. Who's this guy? He's not helpful in any way. So, how about... I don't know, I just punch him in the face. (Punch the old man in the face, then he hysterically scoffs) "What do you do?" (He imitates as an old man) What must you do this to me, de-me? You can even hit him with a hammer. That's brutal! Remember that scene in the movie, not The Exorcist, but The Goonies, where Mikey beat the shit out of some old man? Well, of course not! Because... (Close-up) this is Goonies II.

The Nerd: Anytime you collect new items, it goes into your tool menu. To access them, you have to fumble through some really awkward controls. To move the cursor left or right, you can only press up and down to cycle through the tools. It would be perfectly logical to press left and right, but that does nothing. Also, to go to the second page of tools, you have to hit B, which would usually be the cancel button. The cancel button is Start, what kind of sense does that make? You hit start, to go back? The real secret of the tool menu is that we're not in control, the game's messing with us because, we are the tools. I don't mean to sound like I'm going out of my way to complain and it might seem like a small thing, but, that would be like, if you rented a car, you got in and the stick shift was on the ceiling. Would you be like, oh, okay. Or would you be like, why the fuck is it up here?

The Nerd: What makes the tool menu even stranger is that when you're on the side-scrolling stages, Start, brings up a whole new menu, one that's more traditional, more like what you'd expect for the NES. Some of the same tools are in here such as the hammer, ladder, candle, etc. But here, they're not called tools, they're called implements. So, because the same tools appear in two different menu screens that function in completely different ways, only leads me to believe, that there were two different games that somehow got smooshed together like two different dog turds being run through the lawn mower. But if and when you ever get used to these rooms and tool system, that's only half the battle, because it's a puzzle within a puzzle. Every door, every item, every single thing you're trying to find is hidden. You have to trigger them to appear, usually by physically hitting every little spot. It might be the wall, it might be the ceiling, it might be the floor, and, it might be with the fist, it might be with the hammer. It's like Milon's Secret Castle, where you have to break the blocks to find everything. Except, imagine if Milon had to try each block twice while switching weapons, it takes twice as long, it's a pixel hunting nightmare that never ends! Oh, you can get special glasses that makes everything visible. Thank god. But oh wait, it only works in certain places. In fact, it barely works at all. What a fucking tease. And there were no special glasses in the movie, but, never mind that, (Cuts to the Nerd) because this is Goonies II.

The Nerd: Then even when you do find something like, when you find a hole on the ceiling, sometimes you can only get to it with a ladder, and if it's a hole in the floor, sometimes you need a diving suit, because I guess it's full of water. So, you'll have to come back later when you have those items. Now if you make a hole, and then you leave the room and then come back, the hole's gone! At least I think it's gone, because it seems like a different room, so they don't even have the goddamn courtesy to let you re-trace your steps. If I saw the hole, I'd be able to know, I was just there! Where's the hole? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT FUCKING HOLE I'M THINKING OF?!?!?! When you get the ladder, you climb up by pressing up. Makes sense. But you want to know how to climb down the ladder? (Scoffs) By pressing up. Does that mean, he is actually going down head first? Have you ever climbed upside-down a ladder? (The Nerd goes down in real-life ladder and...) It does not work.

The Nerd: Then they have the nerve to make the rooms go dark. So now, you got to get a candle. You got to go on a never-ending scavenger hunt, punching and hammering every wall in every room, 'til you come to an old man who says, "Get out of here, if you have nothing to do." Okay, how about I punch him in the face? Fuck you, motherfucker! UGGGHHH! Yeah! UMMFFHHH! So I punched him three times, and, nothing interesting happened. But just for good measure, I hit him a fourth time, still, nothing. Well, I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen, so, how about I hit him one more time? (The candle appears on the left door.) The candle appeared? How would you come to that conclusion? What do you do when you see an old man meditating? Well, punch him five times in the fucking face! Of course! If that's your first instinct, that really says a lot about you.

The Nerd: It's like punching people in Roger Rabbit, you don't expect it to have any effect. And why five times? Usually, it would take three. When would it ever be five? Man, I've played tons of games and that's never occurred. Anyway, now that you have the candle, you walk into to a room, and guess what? It's still dark. What am I thinking? Of course, the candle's not automatic. You got to click tools, then select the candle. Fair enough. But when you go into the next room, guess what? You got to click tools and select the candle, again. And then, you go back into the room you were just at, and you got to do it again! Why doesn't Mikey just leave the candle on? Is he blowing it out every single time he goes into the next room? Man, that makes no sense. And that wasn't in the movie either, (Close-up) but this is Goonies II.

The Nerd: What I find most remarkable, is how all these simple shitty things seem related to one another, as if they're all working together like a well-greased-piss-stained-diarrhea machine, like one of Data's contraptions, it's a chain effect, the wall hitting bullshit plays into the navigational disorientation, which plays into the darkness, which plays into the backass controls. It's just one big-circle-jerk-fuck show! So honestly, I'm impressed. This takes frustrating game design to a high art, it's one of the most psychologically targeted brain-fuckers I've ever played!

Chunk: No! I'm too young!

The Nerd: (He facepalms and sighs) I need a beer.

(The Nerd gets up the couch and lights up the candle in a dark area. He walks to the left and blows it, then lights up and walks again. He then punches a collection of boxed video games over on the shelved wall.)

The Nerd: Where is it? (Grunts) Where is it? (Grunts some more) There's a beer in this wall, I would totally drink it! (He grabs a hammer) Oh, I know! It's hammer time! (He hits the boxed video games with the hammer on the shelved wall three times, then hits it and pops up the Rolling Rock behind it.) Oh, yeah!

(The Nerd grabs and drinks the Rolling Rock. He moonwalks over, then he trips over Santa Claus, falling and grunting over on the floor.)

Santa Claus: There's a lot of elder abuse in this episode, Nerd!

The Nerd: You're still here, huh? You're still... FUCKING HERE!?!?!?

(The Nerd repeatedly kicks Santa Claus, much like the previous episode, then he grunts and stomps in on Santa's back. He lifts up Santa Claus, throws it away, and goes back into the couch.)

The Nerd: All right, where was I?

The Nerd: Did I just spend the past eight minutes talking about the simple function of moving through rooms? It's astonishing how the game goes from good to horrible, as soon as you open one of those doors. How did they fuck it all up over something so stupid? Something that you normally wouldn't even have to think about is such a large part of the game. And that's the majority of your time. Just finding your way through rooms and clicking around menus, to do simple things that could have been done with one hit of a button. It over complicates everything. Imagine if you were playing Super Mario Bros., and anytime you go down a pipe, it switches to something completely different. Like some kind of 3D Labyrinth, with a mess of menus and controls, that make no sense. But what happens when you make it through these rooms, you thought it'd be an end all, shit all, bottom-of-the-barrel-fuck, no, the rooms are merely the means of transit to the other side of the map. Yeah, I haven't even talked about the map yet.

Mikey: Uh... (Points to some Spanish text) Mouth, Mouth, you said you could translate. Translate, right here.

Chunk: Yeah, translate it.

The Nerd: Yeah, now we're really getting down to it. It's nice they have a map, but it's pointless because you never take a direct path to go anywhere, ever. Instead, you go through those 3D rooms which act as a turd tunnel to go from one shitty realm to the next. On the other side, you find yourself on the back of the map. That's right, the map flips around. Let me demonstrate on paper. It's as if you're trying to solve an ordinary maze except every so often there's a spot where you have to punch the pen through. And on the other side, there's a whole other maze, as if you traveled through a wormhole. So now, you have to find your way to the next wormhole, and flip the map again, and again, and again. But that's simplifying it, because each time you get to one of those wormholes, you'd have to switch to some kind of 3D maze and find your way through blindfolded, while only being able to point in one direction.

The Nerd: The whole idea is to rescue your friends, like the first game. But the map won't show where they're at, unless you find a locator device for each individual one. When you do, the friends are represented by a blue dot, which only means they're inside a room that's in that area. You, are represented by a red dot, so you head toward the blue dot, checking the map every so often to keep track. Next thing you know, the blue dot is gone. What happened? Oh, am I on it? That's right, the red dot can cover the blue dot! So you got to move one screen over, just to make sure. That's like if you're looking for the TV remote and suspect you might be sitting on it, so you have to get up and move. They couldn't figure out how to show a blue dot and a red dot at the same time? Couldn't they just make a... purple dot... perhaps?

The Nerd: So, I go through the room, I hammer the wall to find a door that leads to the friend in a cage. Luckily, I have the key, so I open it and they say, "Mikey, you're late. I was almost killed." Well cut me a fucking break! I had to get a diving suit so I can climb up down a ladder to find a hidden safe behind a wall, behind a door, behind an invisible door that I moonwalked backwards out of. Then I had to kill some birds until one of them dropped the key, I had to bomb a bunch of random spots on the wall so I could find hyper shoes, I had to jump across a bunch of poop platforms, slide around on ice, as if anyone ever liked that trope. Then I had to fill up my health by Konami Man, yes, Konami Man. Unless you hit him, in which he'll never forget it, and never give you health, ever again for the rest of the game. That's true. I had to swim around in a bunch of underwater caverns and meet creatures from the Black Lagoon and fight a bunch of dragons. Remember the Gilman and Dragons from Goonies? Of course you don't. (Cuts to the Nerd) Because this... is Goonies II.

The Nerd: I had to go through one secret room, to get to another secret room, to get to another one, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another! They all-all to rescue your friends and, think about how disturbing that is, there's kids in cages, with talk of being killed in an NES game. That is fucking dark. One positive thing about this game is that you can continue as many times as you need, which almost makes it worse because, with no game overs, I have no excuse.

The Nerd: There's nothing exciting at the end. No final boss, nothing. You open the last door, and there you go, you saved Annie. Who happens to be a mermaid, by the way. Remember the mermaid and Goonies? No, well that's because this is a load of fucking bullshit! May I ask, why is the mermaid topless? Specifically my question would be, why they actively chose to have a mermaid with a blank chest, rather than give her the typical clamshell bra like in Peter Pan, and soon to be made famous a couple years after with The Little Mermaid. Am I asking too many questions? If they make a Goonies II film and it's anything like this game, I will truffle shuffle 'til I shit my pants. It's crazy to think, the first game is the one they held back from us. It's kind of like, a Rhinoceros comes over to piss on you, and then it turns around. Oh, thank god. And then shit's on your fucking face! That is an unfortunate situation, and this is one of the worst sequels ever! Konami really delivered the number two on us.

(The kids scream and runs in over by a bunch of big boulders, and they are trapped in a cave, set into some shit and farting noises.)

The Nerd: It goes many layers deep. It starts out like Super Pitfall, you scrape away that layer of shit, and underneath is Friday the 13th, and under, that is Milon Secret Castle, as you go further into the center of the wet, smelly dog turd. (He drinks the Rolling Rock) Now, I don't know for a fact, if the core of a dog turd is any worse than the whole turd. That has yet to be tested. But I'm going to test something else out right now!

(The Nerd takes the boxers out from his pants, then he puts the boxers into the Rolling Rock. He lights up the boxers on fire and throws the Rolling Rock over to the Goonies II game cartridge on the top-loader NES, setting it to explode on fire.)

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