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My_Horse_Prince_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

My Horse Prince - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

The Nerd: You probably seen my old cellular telephone, it's um... a little bit out-of-date. So I decided, it's about time. So I got myself a new phone. Yeah, uh, I-I guess it's a phone because it's also a camera. Yeah, how crazy is that? And you could talk to people by typing, instead of using your voice. Wow. Big advancement. And, it has the internet, it has videos, and it also has... Guess what? (Close-up) Video games.

The Nerd: Sure, there were older cell phone games like Snake, remember that? You're just a growing snake, eating pixels while trying not to touch the walls, or yourself. But since then, mobile games have come a long way. Now you know me, I'm the Nerd, I play old consoles. I haven't played any of these crazy newer games in which you use your finger to touch the screen. Imagine if I could touch any of the games I've reviewed in the past, like if I could touch Dick Tracy or Seaman. I have a lot of catching up to do with all the mobile games in the past 25 years or so. So, if I could pick only one to review, well, the choice is quite simple. Of course, go with the horse.

The Nerd: The game is called My Horse Prince, and I bet this is going to be fantastic. Just wait and see. Episode 1: The First Gallop. Here's the deal, girl shows up at a ranch, looking for some good-looking guys. She heard that prince's ride horses and then... (Record scratches) Weird Mario dude shows up. (Cut to the Nerd holding the phone, in a vertically-format, portrait mode.) What the shit? Tell me, why is he bending his head to the side? Wow, talk about two different styles. The girl is fully designed with an anime aesthetic, while the ranch owner is... God knows what, It's like some kid drew it. I've never seen such a distinct contrast in artstyles between two characters in any game ever! Anyway, there's no hot guys here. But instead, appearing in a majestic ray of light is... Holy mother of god!!! The horse's name is Yuuma. She says, "Um... He has a human head!?" and then, thinks to herself, "(A good-looking one at that.)" Oh boy, it's a dating game with-with a horse with a human head, that talks. Boy, we're in for some shit right now. Man, if only we weren't in vertical format, you could see what I'm doing with my hand right now. But it involves all digits down and one digit up. (The Nerd holding the middle finger up to the left)

The Nerd: The ranch owner says, "Weird girls born in the Year of the Horse sometimes see horses as attractive men." That explains it, it all makes perfect sense now. Then the gameplay starts. You're just collecting carrots. That's it. Eat up the carrots, like a billion of them that randomly spawn. Wait-wait a second, did that carrot just drop out of the horse's ass? Watch that again, he's shit out of carrot!

Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaaaaah.

The Nerd: Ugh, that guy. Yeah, I knew I shouldn't have got this phone. Here. (The Nerd interupts the gameplay as he and Bugs Bunny, known as the Damn Bunny, making text messages on the phone.) Ugh. Fuck you. Ugh. Ugh. Fuck you, fuck you. (He frustrates enough as the Nerd misspelled "Duck" many times, instead of "Fuck", then makes a frown and he shakes his head as Bugs does not respond a message.)

The Nerd: Anyway, you're just trying to eat enough carrots to get your meter filled all the way up, which takes forever. But the more you eat, the more your energy percentage decreases. To restore energy, you engage in multiple choice conversations with the horse. Answer the question right, you make the horse happy, and the energy percentage goes up. And that's about the extend of the gameplay. Okay, I got enough carrots, I filled up the meter, and now, weird Mario dude asks me if I'll take the horse. I guess there's no choice. Wow, easy there. "Thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud," that horse is way too excited, and then... oh dear. (The horse and the girl make love each other as the Nerd looks surpised) Oh my god. (In shock) The fuck?

The Nerd: This is an image I never expected to see. I would have never imagined this in my wildest nightmares. How is this scene supposed to be interpreted? Is it trying to be romantic? Or-or is the horse trying to kill her? I mean the hoof is smashing the wall! First of all, could you lower that hoof and calm down a little? I would have died if he was an inch closer! (The Nerd looks at it, facepalming as he laughs humorously.) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my God! The-the-the... The horse's hoof is almost went right through a fucking skull! (He facepalms and still laughs humorously) Leave a review on the App Store?! I'm doing a review right now!

The Nerd: I love how the options are, Okay or, What? Exactly. Episode 2: Treadmill Training. Same thing, except you're running on treadmills. The horse is on a treadmill and he's running them so hard into the ground, they fucking explode! Damn! Why does he have to destroy them all? Why does he have to run on them anyway? The owner even says "I keep buying new ones because he breaks them!" No shit! It must be thousands! It must be all the treadmills in the world! It takes waaaaaaaayyyy too long to fill up that meter and I guess the meter fills up quicker, if your energy percentage is higher, which makes the items worth more points, I suppose. So, you got to talk to that horse, and you can only talk to him three times per stage. You can get a fourth talk, if you watch an ad. (The Nerd thinks his chin up and sighs.) Good time to take a shit, perhaps?

The Nerd: After that, from what it's telling me, in order to talk again, you have to wait nearly 30 minutes! You got to be kidding me! Have some kind of mercy, it's a mobile game. It's something you play while you're on-the-go, and you have like a few minutes here and there. 25-to-30 minutes, that's longer than the level should even take. And there's like ten levels each! You could beat Ghosts n' Goblins in the time you can beat this shit! No matter what you do, this meter is the slowest I've ever seen, and I mean that. Anytime you get one of the items, it hardly even moves a pixel. And the items don't come often enough. But you can spawn them faster if you buy gold carrots, and I mean, with actual money. What kind of idiot would spend real money on this game? All right, let's do it. Got the gold carrot, give it to the horse... Fever! Oh shit! What's happening? Oh, oh, the horse is going fucking crazy! This is the treadmill apocalypse! Oh, my God! This dialogue is amazing. "My heart was racing because I thought I was going to die!" Why do I have to spend money on that weird ass-horse? (He laughs humorously) I was wondering, you-you think that horse is weird? You think? So she tries to escape the horse, makes up a bullshit story saying she's too busy selling water, infused with fresh air. "Handsome Horse Ranch Water." Well, I bet that tastes handsome as fuck. Every time you beat a stage, you get another insane cutscene. Here, the horse is lifting her chin with his hoof. "What's your name?" "Oh, it's Nerd." Yeah, that's what I put in. "Nerd... That's a nice name." Oh. Okay.

The Nerd: Episode 3: The Morning Feed. It's morning, and the horse wants to make me breakfast. Rice, miso soup and carrot salad. I've never heard anyone eat that for breakfast before. Yeah, that's the strange part. Never mind the the fact that there's a horse in the kitchen with an apron, chopping up veggies. And why did I wake up in the same place as the horse? No, no, I'd rather not ask. And why does he have to chop up so many green onions? You think, he might be going a little overboard? That's got to be truck fulls of that shit. Who loves green onions that much?! "What's wrong? Don't be picky and eat it all up!" Oh shit! This is not an option. Oh my God, he's forced feeding me. "Just one more!" Ugh! (He makes a fake cough) "Cough, cough, cough, (He's going to kill me!)" (He laughs humorously again) He's going to kill me! (He laughs even more humorously as the horse feeds the green onions) The horse is shoving the fucking green onions, down my fucking throat! (He still laughs humorously as The Nerd lays down on the floor) "I see... I can see an old lady becking me toward..." (Continues the dialouge as he laughs humorously yet again) Oh, oh, oh... god! Oh, oh dear lord! Oh, oh fuck!

The Nerd: Episode 4: Street Corner Steed. "While I appreciated breakfast being made for me, I almost died...!" That only confirms it. That only confirms everything that we've been saying all along, the horse was trying to over stuff me... to death! "I had no way in knowing that I would once again come face to face with the root of my problems." Yeah, the root of my problems, yeah, we should talk about that. So here, there's a big water leak in the city. You have to make the horse whack at it with a pick-axe, and spin into a tornado, like the Tasmanian Devil! It doesn't look like normal road work, oh wait, you're telling me that's not normal. Doesn't that happen on every city block when there's a leak, a horse comes in spinning into a motherfucking tornado?! "He's hitting that road pretty hard... but that's okay... right?" It's not the only thing he's going to be hitting hard!

The Nerd: Episode 5: Wave Jumps. You got to be kidding me, man! The horse is surfing! Is there anything this horse can't do? And the part she finds remarkable is that he's wearing sunglasses. Oh, then we get another disturbing image. "Did I surprise you?" "My clothes are all wet now!" Oh god. Oh... (Sighs) oh god.

The Nerd: Episode 6: Trial Fanfare. Now, we're at the racetrack. Yeah, you know, like an actual horse race. Something that horses actually do, in real life. Astonishing, right? Well apparently, they arrive by public transit, but they only talk about it. Yeah, of all the weird things that have happened so far, and that's the only thing they don't show us. Could you imagine though, a horse on a train, with some deranged girl talking to it? Would have loved to have seen that! But anyway, this horse doesn't race like an ordinary horse. Of course not. He plays dirty, by kicking the shit out of the other horses! Why, that's damn rude!

The Nerd: Episode 7: Wild Whinny. I-I'll be honest, I've been playing this for hours and hours, I, I can't stop! Because, I have to see what happens next, it just keeps getting crazier! Don't you want to see what happens next? Yeah. Probably. (The horse is in a rock band, set into some rock music.) The horse is a rock star. This is the most multi-talented horse I've ever seen! Human face or not, look at him go! He's using his front legs to play the guitar! That is class! And then, he sings to me. "My love, Nerd." Umm... interesting lyrics, but fuck a horse to save a cowboy.

The Nerd: Episode 8: Street Corner Cavaletti. At this time, the horse has to fight a mohawk guy. The funny thing here is if you engage in dialogue with the horse, it makes me wonder, how is he having a conversation right now? Does he stop the fight to say, "The stars look nice tonight," and then, he goes back to fighting? That's not a normal horse, damn right. Wow, you can say that again. And then, he smashes his ass up against the dude's face! The force cracks the damn wall! This game is amazing.

The Nerd: Episode 9: Riding Rivals. One crazy horse ain't enough in this game. Now there's two! So the other horse, Ryouma, is his enemy, and they engage in a boulder-throwing battle! All you do is break the boulders he throws and afterwards, he rests his head on the other horse saying, "Let's settle this at the race." Oh, I-I guess his head is in front of the other horse, I-I don't know.

The Nerd: Episode 10: Stakes of Glory. Here comes the race, but the jockey isn't feeling well enough to ride 'cause he says, "My butt's going to explode if I get on a horse!" My butt that's going to explode?! I don't even have any comments to live up to this dialogue! Then let it explode! I couldn't have said it better myself. Did I make this game? So now, the horse is racing against Ryouma by using those trademark kicks again, but this time, you're riding on the horse's back, sitting sideways I must add! You got to love the classical music. That's the William Tell Overture, commonly known as The Lone Ranger theme. It reminds me of the last level of Earthworm Jim 2, where you have to race Psy-Crow, which also has classical music.

Earthworm Jim: Yippee!

The Nerd: But anyway, I must win this race, I came this far, I can't stop now. (He taps his phone and walks back) Got to do it, I got to do it, I got to win! Got to win. Win. (Then he looks the battery pecentage on the phone, that the battery is low.) Oh no, oh shit! My battery is almost dead! Oh, oh, I got to charge! Got to charge! (He runs over the dresser drawer, looking for a charging adapter.) Where these chargers? Where these fucking chargers?! Don't die, don't die! Come on, oh, here we go! (He opens different drawers, then he gets other charging and AC adapters that won't fit.) USB, USB... that's... Uh- No! Fuck that! No, not that one! no, it's that Apple shit! Oh, that's it, that's it... I just... God-damn it, I need an adapter now! (He gets a big AC adapter) Awwww, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ah, here we go, here we go. (Then he gets the right charging phone adapter while he frustrates to setting up by charging the phone.) Motherfuck- don't die, no! Ah, it's going to die! It's going to die! Here we go! (He plugs into the right charger adapter on the phone really hard, then runs over the plug wall while holding the adapter plug) Plug it in now! Got to plug it in! Got to plug it in! I got to do it, got to get it, got to get it! (He frustrates to run through to the plug wall, while singing a tune to the Glade Plug-in commercial jingle) Plug it in, plug it in! (Then he plugs in the charging adapter to the wall, while charging sounds hear normally.) Oh, thank god, thank god. (He frustratedly taps in fast enough, as gameplay for the horse race is about to finish.) Come on, come on! Ugh! (The horse then defeats the other horse enemy onto the finish line, as the Nerd finally makes it.) Yeah! So the horse wins the race, "All thanks to you, Nerd!" Whoo. Well, that should be the end of the game. But um, yeah there's a... you know, funny thing about that. They added three bonus levels!

The Nerd: Episode 11: Leisurely Amble. You're shaving sheep! Who gave this horse a razor?! That's an energetic way to sheer, you bet it is! He throws the fucking sheep in the air, and shaves the ever loving shit out of them! Baaaa!!! Baaaa!!! Shave the sheep, shave the sheep! Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy, sheepy! He's shaving every sheep on the farm! Every sheep in the country and it's all just to make... one single scarf. And the images have been progressing away from creepy to becoming more light-hearted, going for cute and adorable, which only makes it stranger.

The Nerd: Episode 12: White Turf Now the horse is skiing! Ohhhhh, more the same bullshit, or, well, horse-shit. And then the horse and the girl have a falling out over something stupid, and the girl runs away and gets stranded in the snow.

The Nerd: And at last, Episode 13: Lone Sprinter. She finds an abandoned cabin and keeps warm, by burning her phone! Can you imagine the toxic fumes, and how much warmth would that even give off? And then she realizes she can't call for help? Dumbass. So the whole level, the horse is running through the snow to save her, while dodging and knocking over trees. Ultimately, he crashes through the cabin wall like a Looney Tunes cartoon and then, they get together under the blanket. Oh boy. "(What am I resting on? His forelegs?)" (He facepalms and walks over, as he laughing humorously once more. He still facepalms and walks back into the couch, and then...) FWAAAK!!!!!

The Nerd: (Explosions heard as we switch back from portrait mode) I can't believe this is real! How did this game ever get made?! Oh, I need a beer after that. (He drinks a Rolling Rock then he looks a usual-looking Premium Beer horse that's being transformed into Yuuma the Horse.) Ahh! (He throws the beer away with shattered green pieces all over on the floor, then Yuuma appears on the Nerd's room, as he looks over and shocks behind it.)

Yuuma the Horse: Ha! Hey, Nerd.

The Nerd: Oh, God!

Yuuma the Horse: I love you, Nerd. Don't be afraid.

The Nerd: Ahhhhh!!! No, no! I-I-I should have never played this game! Uh-Get it off my phone! That's it! The phone! (He throws the phone over by a firelog wall, and explodes it, making it dissapear. Then Yuuma the Horse fades out on the Nerd's room.)

Yuuma the Horse: No.... Ohhhhhhh.... Ohhhh, Nerd.

The Nerd: (Sighs) Fuck these modern phones, I'm sticking with the old shit! (He picks up a 1920s-style phone) This is my phone now!

Trivia[]

  • This is the first time the Nerd has fully reviewed a mobile phone game, althrough since he first briefly reviewed a mobile phone game (ScrewAttack's Texting of the Bread) in the AVGN Games episode.
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