Glover (N64) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
Glover is the 217th episode and the 5th episode of Season 18 of The Angry Video Game Nerd.
Transcript[]
Glover (N64)[]
The Nerd: Ever get that wavering feeling like ya might have to take a shit, and the feeling gets stronger when you stand in a certain spot? Well, right now my compASS is leading me toward the N64 shelf. Getting warmer... warmer... warmer! (fart sound plays) Ugggh! There it is, Glover. First time I heard of this game I was like, "huh? Glover?" Is it Danny Glover? Donald Glover? Crispin Glover? Roger Glover?! No. It's the Hamburger Helper riding a red ball. So you play as... a glove. I used to think it had something to do with Super Glove Ball, but that's another game. You probably remember that one in my Power Glove episode. Together these would make my list: Top Two Worst Glove Games. But Glover doesn't use the Power Glove, thank God. And luckily, after it left a shit skit inside the N64 toilet bowl, Zelda: Ocarina of Time came along and pissed it away, only a week after it pissed us off. Now honestly, when Glover first came out, it seemed pretty cool, but so did everything that was 3D. In the old days, all we had was 3D World Runner and pseudo 3D shit like that. Later there were games like Jumping Flash on PlayStation, but it was Super Mario 64 that fundamentally changed the 3D platformer as we knew it. With its freedom to move around in a circle and even reposition the camera, it was a big deal. Afterwards, games like Banjo-Kazooie and Spyro the Dragon proved that Nintendo had started a trend.
Mario: Here we go!
The Nerd: Some of these games were good... and some of them were shit.
Earthworm Jim: BRAIN!
The Nerd: But sometimes we just accepted it because, it was 3D, it was cutting edge, and cool. As kids, sometimes a game we thought was good, might have actually been shitty all along. When I first played Ghostbusters on NES, I didn't wanna admit it was garbage, because, it was Ghostbusters! It HAD to be good, right? What about Ninja Turtles, one of my early episodes? That game drove me insane! It SUCKED! But what did I know? It was the number one top-rated game in Nintendo Power for a while. But EVERY game was supposed to be good. We were lied to, psychologically manipulated into thinking we were wrong! But no more being ass lighted by the shitty games. It's time for Glover; let's go.
The Nerd: The game opens inside a castle, and we're introduced to the red-nosed drunken wizard who's recklessly throwing shit into a bubbling cauldron. Idiot. It knocks him through the floor! Yeah, right through the goddamn floor, screaming like Goofy. And I guess his gloves - or hands - fell off. One glove falls into the slop and morphs into the evil Cross-Stitch, while the other becomes our protagonist, Glover. I'd like to say he flips the bird, but with only four fingers, ahh, too bad. Well, he transforms the wizard's magic crystals into rubber balls so they don't shatter, but, oops, they bounce into what become the game's levels. So Now Go Fetch Asshole that would've made a better title. They should've called it that. So, that's the plot. The gameplay is far more complicated and, I'll tell ya what: it's very ambitious, and creative... but there is a HUGE learning curve, so if you rented it from the video store, you'd better hope the last person returned the manual. And you would also need those strategies from Nintendo Power, issue 114. It had a whole section with tips and tricks for each stage, but why would you care? Look what's on the cover. The goal is to collect six missing crystals and return them to the center of the castle, to save the wizard and the kingdom. For every crystal ya bring back, new worlds unlock. Much like Mario 64, the castle grounds act as your hub, connecting all the worlds. Each world has three levels, a boss fight, and a bonus stage, and they're all based on specific themes: Atlantis, carnival, pirates, prehistoric, Fortress of Fear and Out of This World. The game's helper character, Mr. Tip, is a wizard's hat with googly eyes that give you, uh, tips. Because it's one of those type of games where you need EVERYTHING explained to you, EVERY step of the way. Kinda like that annoying Office assistant, Clippy. You use the B button to talk to him, but that's the same button to bounce the ball, so sometimes, THIS kinda shit happens. COME ON! I hate these type of characters!
Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Um, okay. All right. Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle. Okay. All right. Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle. Thanks for the advice. Shit Pickle:SHIT! Pickle!
Anyway, Mr. Tips is always showin' up telling you to do this do that, tells you to collect garibs... wait-wait. Garibs? "Collect garibs to score points. Get 50 and win an extra life!" Wow! That would help... if I knew what fucking GARIBS are! You gotta be FUCKIN' kidding me! I also need to comment on this bird. Tell me, what are you hearing? Is it just me, or does the bird have gas? Out both ends. The objective of each level is to find the boss okay wait hold on now. The bird was farting! Sorry, I can't let that go. Anyways, you get the ball to the end goal while solving puzzles and avoiding obstacles. These obstacles range from your standard pitfalls and spike traps to spinning platforms blowing fans giant snowballs. Falling rocks, etcetera It's like playing Marble Madness, but if you also hard to move a hand around to guide the ball by dribbling smaching throwing and running on top of it. I don't even know where to begin with describing these controls. When you're running on the ball for example you have to be pushing the joystick in the opposite direction you're trying to get you have to train your brain think in reverse you also ahve emies to contend with that will try to steal or destory the ball, and some will go as far to intentionally knock oit off the stage basically means you're dead. It seems underneath every stage is a bottomless pit so you can't take your eyes off that ball. Hitting B makes Glover point at the ball, which is great, so you never loss track of it but taht doesn't gurantee you'll be able to get it before a giant bumblebee rocket launches it with a stinger out its ass but the worst emeies got to be the exlosive ones like this dynamite hopping around. If you somehow figure out how to avoid the balst with Glover the ball still gets blown into pieces or is sent caring over the edge like a turd shot out of cannon. You want to be holding that ball at al times besides without it you move around like 10/10 LB of shit shoved into 5 LB glove much much like how ro0lling in Ocarina of Time was a little faster than running Glover is best when he's jumping constantly every time you get a game over you'll need to reload your save file and run all the way back to where you were from the castle gates so get ready to, hop hop hop, like a bunny. On crack too bad Glover's little fingers don't make him move any faster thing from Adam's Family could teach him a few pointers you can change the ball's form by tapping the R BUTTON it can become rubber ball a bowlling ball a bearing ball and the ball's orginal shape. the crystal the crystal is very fragile it's only useful for collecting more points so don't try to bounce it unless, you want to hear Glover scream like E.T the crystal and rubber ball float on awter allowing Glover to ride them the bowling ball and the ball bearing are naturally heavier and can sink is great for pressing swiches underwater and boy will you be pressing a lot of switcfhes in tis game while switches with red startes Glover can active on his own by fisting them or fist slam. Punching and the red switches with yellow targets can only be activated by the ball these switches will open up the next section of coruse or a checkpoint. Each level has multiple buttons that you'll need to hit progress and offen times they're located at the end of the difficult platforming sections. The amount of precision required in this game is something you would enver understand unless you've actually played it the only way I can even think to describe it is if you're familiar with those maze games with tiny balls it's kind of like that when you play it you have to give it your full concentration and you say to yourself I can do this but you keep falling. Well imageine if you wre trying to play more than one maze at a time. You have both glove and the ball to deal with. Keep your eye on Glover, oops, lost the ball. Keep your on eye the ball, fuck, I died.
This circus level particular brings my piss to boil. Let me ask you a question, what comes to mind when you think of the circus? You know, clowns, cotton candy, fire breathers, acrobats... a giant blue ball sack? What were they thinking? And you ride it by bouncing on it? It's like that episode of South Park, you know the own I mean, and if not, well... well, well. But check out this part. First you need to cross swging pirate ships but the momentum flings Glover and the ball around like ragdolls every time I try to get this damn thing it either tosses me like frisbee or the ship moves and I fall to my death Fuck. here we go here we go. here oh. Ah see this shit. Up until this point, most of my death the result of me not toally grapsing the controls or some bad camera angles but now, it's as if the game is actively fighting agianest me what the fuck was that shit. All right there we go you got to do is bounce it. Just got to time it right there we go not a problem, not a problem and what the fuck. Okay your. oh mother once you finally make it arcoss and take a ride down the slide be prepared for any hope left in your body to exit your asshole. Ahead of you, is a winding checkered path. Seems straightforward enough... well, as soon as you start rolling the ball down this thing, it starts tilting and turning all over the place like a goddamn tilt-a-whirl! Here we go... makin' the turn oh. whoa! whoa!! What the FUCK happened?! If the pirate ships were the eighth circle of hell, this is certainly the ninth. UNH!
Maybe what I need, is the Power Glove. I don't mean the NES Power Glove, I mean the N64 Power Glove. You think I'm kidding. Do you think I'm kidding?! Yeah! You don't know, you didn't know! The Nintendo 64, had the Reality QUEST Glove! Yeah! Now let's crank it up to 11! SMELL THE GLOVE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Glover (PlayStation)[]
Wanna see a magic trick? How 'bout a magic SHIT?!
The PlayStation version is easier? It's a walk through the park! It's... Why didn't I play this one instead?!
Well, I'll be SHIT!