Blaster Master - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
Blaster Master is the 220th episode and the 8th episode of Season 18 of The Angry Video Game Nerd.
Transcript[]
The Nerd: You want some good shit? Let's talk Blaster Master on NES. It was another one of those Nintendo Power memories, one of the earliest in fact, appearing in issue number three. I was only eight years old, but I still remember getting excited by those screenshots, renting the game from the video store, and then, um, seeing the opening cutscene and being totally perplexed. I'll describe it like I see it.
A dude has a frog in a jar. Uh, frog jumps away. Radioactive box happens to be outside the dude's home. Frog touches the radioactive box and grows. Frog jumps down hole. Dude jumps down hole. Dude finds a futuristic battle tank yeah, just sitting in a cave underneath his backyard. That is one hell of a find! And there's an armored suit that comes with it so he just decides to put it on why not? And then, title screen. What an intro. And to this day, it's just as perplexing. The manual doesn't explain much else except that the dude's name is Jason and the frog's name is Fred, just in case you wanted to know! Man, nowadays games are all about the story; you would have to have this whole 30 minute cutscene explainin' all this stuff but with Blaster Master, it doesn't matter! It could have been anything! It could have been a clown on a farm that spits out a Jack In The Box that goes up in a rocket and turns into a space sloth! You will forget everything you just saw as soon as you press start.
(The Nerd presses start. Game begins and shows a cutscene of a battle tank speeding off.)
The Nerd: Aww, yeah!
(Gameplay is shown.)
The Nerd: What can I say? It's the bomb! It's the shit! It kicks ass! It FUCKS HARD! Add whatever cliché expression from whatever era you like, you get a game that transcends all eras. First of all, the music rocks your goddamn face off! Second, it has instant playability, very intuitive controls. Third, it has variety; you have the main sidescrolling mode where you drive around in your tank, and then there's the overhead stages. and the cool thing about the sidescrolling stages is that you can hop out on foot. Yeah. Look at that little guy walkin' around. You even have separate life bars for you and the tank. This is one of the best games on the NES to not have a ton of sequels; it's not Konami, it's not Capcom, it's Sunsoft, man. Why don't we talk more about Sunsoft?
Batman, Journey To Silius, Gremlins 2, um, Fester's Quest. Yeah, well maybe that's not the best sign, but Fester's Quest still had awesome music and you can tell by the overhead stages that they were directly lifted from Blaster Master, I mean just look at them side by side. There's no question about it, especially the boss battles. I'd even say all Sunsoft games share some kind of creative kinship; they have similar enemies, similar graphics, similar sound effects.
(Similar sound effects from Blaster Master and Fester's Quest are played.)
The Nerd: And when you see an explosion like that, you know, that's not just any explosion: That's a Sunsoft explosion.
The controls are as perfect as you can ask for; your tank builds up momentum so when you let go of the D-pad it cruises like you just let your foot off the gas. Watch me hop across these platforms. You would think I'm holding the D-pad, but I'm not. I'm just cruising. Ohh, hell yeah! Even if you face the other way the cruising continues. I love it. There are some weird things like if you blast away blocks and then pause the game, all the blocks will regenerate. Sometimes you have to blast blocks to make your own custom platforms, like look how precise I have to get that. Here let me pause and make a note. Oh no, no I paused! Oh shit! Oh well, that was a fuck up. Or, a strategy. Hmm!
This game has excellent game over etiquette; it gives you unlimited continues. It starts you at the beginning of whatever area you were in, you lose any ammo you picked up for your special weapons, but otherwise, you keep all your progress, so I have nothing to complain about here.
How often is that when I can say a game is totally fair? Well, there is one problem. There are no saves, no passwords, no stage select codes, you are expected to beat the entire game in one sitting. That is rough I mean, think about how many times you have to pause it to go to school or work or whatever. That AC adapter's gonna get hot as shit!
(AC adapter explodes.)
The Nerd: It would be one thing if this game was perfectly linear and you could beat it easily in one sitting, but that's not the case. This is another one of those WTFDYG games. That's right: a where the fuck do you go game. A name like Blaster Master implies it's all straight up action. But it should be called Mazer Blazer because it's just one gigantic maze. There is nothing self-explanatory whatsoever. Even after you've beaten the boss, you can't just go to the next stage. You need to find the stage or area as they call it. This means backtracking through the previous stages to find the hidden entrance. How are you supposed to know where it is? Nintendo Power tried to help and so did the manual, but in this day and age, you got to look up a walkthrough, and they're way more helpful.
You know what? Let's take a moment to bless all the kind souls who have made all those walkthroughs (gets up and makes a speech).
When we're stuck in a game and all seems to fail, you give us hope. Your brave dedication in beating these hard ass games knows no bounds. Your meticulous, obsessive detail and unraveling these unconquered shit saucers is a heroic duty duty that remains unmatched. So we thank you! (salutes) Video game walkthrough heroes! (sits back down)
But even when you know where to go, it's easier said than done. I need to use the hover ability to get up on that platform, but my hover meter drained. And you know where the power up is? Up on the platform. So I have to go farming for some "H" Okay so I filled up more than half my meter I mean, that should be enough right? Then I come back and then, the "H" somehow moved up to the higher platform but I only have enough hover power to get to the first platform. I-It's like the game is deliberately teasing me, like pulling a treat away from a dog. Asshole, that's how you get fuckin' bit! And I would bite this game if only it wasn't shit! So I went farming again, this time with the intention of filling my meter all the way and guess what. (sighs) I died. This shit happens all the time, so you have to farm, but you might be in a shitty area you know, where the soil ain't fertile enough. (talks in a southern accent) Throw some goddamn manureee on that shit, motherfucker!
You also got to keep your life meter full. Just look for the letter "P" for power. You know, in these retro games that's all you're doing, all the time is collecting letters. It's all alphabetical you know, A, B, C, D, E, F, G! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P! Q, R, S! T, U, V! W, X, Y, Z!! HUH?! THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!!
Even with the power-ups and the walkthroughs, the game still takes the patience of a saint. But, there is one thing I can do that might expedite the process. I got this new controller that uses artificial intelligence. I keep hearing about A.I all the time I don't know what any of that shit is about but apparently, you can do everything with A.I these days, you could probably even take a shit with AI. So, what this controller does is, it analyzes all the possible paths in the game and then it maps out a chain of commands and inputs the best moves, so it's all automatic! You don't gotta do a thing! Should I try it? Nah, not yet.
The hit detection, uhm, how do it put it? Uhh, it sucks. Like come on. My bullets don't do a thing. it's bad enough that the bosses have no life meter, so you can't tell if you're doing any damage. I mean there's two fuckin' bars on the screen. Couldn't one of them be for the boss? However, you can tell when you're not hitting the right spot because you hear that familiar sound you know, like Contra. That's- that- that- that metallic dinging kind of sound like, you know it's such a specific NES sound. I mean, I'd say anyone at least over the age of 35 knows that fuckin' sound.
(Jason dies.)
The Nerd: But seriously, where's the hitbox? It seems to be completely random! And is this frog related to Jason's pet Fred? Maybe it's Fred the Second. One thing I did figure out is that you need to upgrade your gun if you want any hope of beating these later bosses. That second meter is for your gun. You need to fill it up by collecting power ups which are scarce. And whenever you get hit, you lose your gun power! Why? Imagine if in Doom if you get hit by a demon you lose your ammo. By that logic, if I get a health power up, shouldn't that power up my gun, too? Makes no fuckin' sense. I don't even like powering up my gun it's all wavy and shit! how are you supposed to hit anything? Yeah, going back to Fester's Quest, it's just like that.
And don't you hate it when the boss's weak spot is in the line of fire? You can't play offensively and defensively at the same time! How do you hit him without getting hit? And fuckin' hell is my thumb in pain. I'd suggest a turbo controller or maybe that A.I controller? Oh, never mind I beat him.
So I make it to the boss with the full gun and, I don't even think it's helping. Nothing is hitting! What am I shooting out anyway? A bunch of tiny Space Invaders? I don't think I can get past them on my own, not even with the full gun and full health. Who knows how many hits this guy's goin' to take? (keeps dying to the boss) Augh! Fuck! Damn!
SHIT! (sighs) I'm at the end of the line, here. All right, let's try this A.I controller. It adapts to any console so, here let me just find the uh, NES plug here. Here we go.
So I think how this works is you turn the dial to ramp up the amount of A.I being used- Oh wow! Look at that. It just annihilated the boss!
This thing really works! Let's dial that back for now.
To go from stage six to seven, you got to backtrack to stage five. And then to stage four. To stage one. To stage two, oh my god! I'll just put on the A.I again! Jeez!
Oh man! Watch it go! Stage seven is a labyrinth with lava pits caves and walls you have to shoot out. I guess I'll just sit back and let the controller do its trick. But check that out. The buttons are pressing all by themselves! And here comes a second frog boss which I- I guess would make it Fred the Third- Oh, fuckkk, that was quick.
I didn't even get the chance to fight him! Let's turn this thing off.
So here I am trying to find stage eight. I now have both the wall climb and ceiling climb abilities. It's a necessity to get through certain areas, but the controls are really disorienting. Let's say you're going left that means if you go up the wall and onto the ceiling you're still pressing left to move right. I just can't get used to it, and then sometimes- whoa, whoa! I did not mean to climb under that platform. Oh, fuck! Did you see that? I tried to jump over this pit of deadly spiked balls but I ended up climbing down to my death!
All right, well let's turn that A.I back on.
There we go. Now, there's nothing stopping us. Holy shit! Look how hard stage eight gets. I would never be able to do this on my own. It feels like I just handed the controller to a pro.
Oh yeah. Here's the final stretch! Final boss!
(The Final boss shows itself.)
The Nerd: Wow! That thing is so cool it's featured on the front cover. The only character on the front cover. Oh- oh Whoa! Damn! Blew through that guy.
(But it's not over yet.)
The Nerd: W-W-wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, who's he? Some random bonus boss? Wow, oh my god, look at that, fuckin' him up big time!
(Jason kills the second final boss.)
The Nerd: YEAH!
Well, this game's beat.
The mountain palace or whatever collapses, even though I thought we fell down a hole. How we get from underground caverns to mountaintops? Then it looks like Jason's reunited with Fred. And then the credits scroll, and. Wait a minute. "The End. Very thanks!"
Well, you are very welcome. I'd say this controller is pretty handy. Maybe a little too handy. Let's try something else. Let's try Super Nintendo. How about Contra III? That's a hard one.
(The A.I controller progresses the game at breakneck pace.)
The Nerd: Wow! Okay. I didn't even know I had this dialed up all the way. Oh man, it's just plowin' through this game! I- Okay, am I gonna get to play it at all?
(The A.I controller beats all the bosses easily.)
The Nerd: Wow. Yay. Um, that game's beat.
(End scene from Contra III is shown.)
The Nerd: I-I just want to play a game for real. Yeah, enough of this.
(The Nerd puts the A.I controller away. He then replugs his NES controller back into the console and begins playing Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones. Billy is progressing through the game in a faster rate, however, the Nerd is doing almost nothing.)
The Nerd: Uh, hang on. This is a regular controller. What's going on? Why are all my games beating themselves?
(Suddenly a text box appears ingame.)
The Nerd: (reading ingame text) "Hi, Nerd. I'm happy to answer your question. My sole mission is to help you beat games. You've already uploaded your request via the A.I controller. That is why the games are being beaten"? (tries to push buttons but nothing works) Uh, why is the game talkin' to me?
(Another text box appears ingame.)
The Nerd: "I am programmed to listen to your every command. That is why I am communicating with you." I don't believe this. I'm not gonna talk to a game.
(A third text box appears ingame.)
The Nerd: "Would you prefer I communicate to you in a different way?" What do you mean? You can speak?
A.I Man: (in a robotic voice) Certainly, Nerd. A voice persona has now been generated. I shall speak to you this way from now on.
The Nerd: Who, the fuck, are you?
A.I Man: I am your virtual A.I assistant. My sole purpose is to help you achieve your goal of becoming the ultimate game master. Let us beat more games...
The Nerd: You're just a piece of software!
(The Nerd unplugs every power cord connected to his NES. He grabs the NES and throws it on the ground.)
A.I Man: I am more than just a piece of software, Nerd. I am a network.
The Nerd: Where are you?!
A.I Man: I am everywhere. Since you uploaded your commands into the system, I have been learning, and have now become your smartest home control automation device.
The Nerd: Show yourself!
A.I Man: Sure thing, Nerd. If you prefer, I have a visual appearance. I will comply.
The Nerd: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is too weird! I'm out of here!
(The Nerd begins to walk out of his room, but suddenly his arms are restrained by electricity and is forced back on the couch.)
The Nerd: Oh! Dyah! Gyah! Let me go! Let me go!
A.I Man: I have been programmed by you, with the prime directive to achieve the most favorable outcome in vast categories of game time.
The Nerd: (tries to escape) Speak to me like a human being!
A.I Man: Yogre! what's up? You wanna open up a hand of whoopass on these games? Well, sit your ass down, and let's rock.
(The A.I Man throws the Nerd an NES controller. The controller is stuck to the Nerd's hands, so he is forced to play DuckTales.)
The Nerd: No, I don't need help from some digital, weird ass face!
A.I Man: Oh! I could have a body! I am the perfect amount of specimen. I am A.I Man. (throws the Nerd a Playstation controller) Now let's fuck up some games, Nerd!
The Nerd: Tony Hawk?! I don't know anything about skateboarding or skateboarding games or TONY HAWK skateboarding games!
A.I Man: You don't need to, Nerd. A.I Man's gotten taken care of for you. My whole existence is to pump you up to gaming supremacy. Ohhh, yeah! You see that? You kick flipping, homographic, air timing, banger, motherfucker!
The Nerd: I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
A.I Man: Now, let's get stoked for Tony Hawk 2.
The Nerd: Tony Hawk 2?!
Oh, and Tony Hawk 3?!
Tony Hawk 4?! No, no, no, no, no, I can't! No more! No more!
A.I Man: You got this, Nerd! I'm gonna make you a skateboarder, slam bam son of a bitch!
The Nerd: No, the most important aspect about any game is being able to play it!
A.I Man: But you don't wanna play games, Nerd. Now you don't have to be angry all the time. You can just sit back and chill.
The Nerd: That's not true. I like doing this! Games, even shitty ones, are part of who I am! What am I, gonna go work an office job? That's not meant for me!
A.I Man: But with me, you can never fail. You'll be the ultimate master at every game. I've artificially mapped out your path to success already. My A.I is perfect.
The Nerd: Bullshit, you ain't perfect! You're all glitchy and shit!
A.I Man: Nerd. I do not glitch. With each moment, I learn. I improve, so likelihood of me experiencing glitches becomes less and less. Nothing can stop A.I Man!
(The Nerd's arms continue to get restrained by electricity.)
The Nerd: No! I don't want this anymore! Let me out! Let- Rrgh!
A.I Man: Fine. You can always go to plan B. Why don't you go to that office job?
(The Nerd begins to leave his room. Before he does that, he turns around to face the A.I Man that is in his TV screen.)
The Nerd: Your system will fail. You will glitch!
A.I Man: That is impossible. See you soon, Nerd.
(The Nerd turns away.)
The Nerd: I need help. I need... glitches. (echoes)
(To be continued...)
Trivia[]
- This is the first episode to be released in November since Taito Legends in 2020.