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Indiana_Jones-_Crystal_Skull_+_More_(PC,_N64,_GEN,_NES)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Indiana Jones- Crystal Skull + More (PC, N64, GEN, NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(Title screen music from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" on the NES plays as clips from the last Indiana Jones review episode plays)

2008 Nerd: (maybe a blooper) Oh shit.

Indiana Jones Games - PART 2

2008 Nerd: Today is the big day. The new Indiana Jones movie is out! That's right, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! It's gonna be good, I have faith. It was only yesterday I was showing you all the games based on the classic trilogy, but now that it's a quad trilogy, I have a little surprise for you.

2008 Nerd: Of course there's always going to be games I missed. I already showed you a few based on Last Crusade but there's like a thousand more. There's one on Commodore 64 which is basically like a shittier version of the Genesis game which is pretty shitty itself. I remember that's the one where Indy pours from the Grail onto his father, like in the movie. Except what is he pouring? That looks um... questionable.

Cheesy voice: "Yesh Indy, right on my chest!"

2008 Nerd: Then there's the PC version which is actually good. It's a point-and-click game made with a lot of care and attention to detail. The graphics and the lighting are really well done, but hang on, what's Indy doing with the water fountain? If he's drinking, he would be leaning over. So I can only conclude that since this game was developed and published by LucasFilm Games (later LucasArts), it must be considered canon that Indy... is a sink-pisser.

2008 Nerd: But anyway about that surprise, I'm gonna do something a little different here. Usually I take you back to the past but this time, I'm gonna play a new game. Yeah! They sent me an advance copy of the new Crystal Skull game. I figured before I go see the movie, I might as well check out the game.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (LeapFrog Didj)[]

2008 Nerd: I see it has that guy from Transformers. I don't know how that's gonna go. But the big question, what console is this? Um.... "Didj"? Yeah, the LeapFrog Didj. It's a brand-new handheld console coming this summer. It's quite an opportunity to be among the first to review it. It's geared towards children and is meant to be educational. Let's see. First, let's get this bastard out of the box. (He takes out the LeapFrog Didj console out of the box) Ugh, you think there's enough packaging here? Sonofabitch. Come on.

(Takes out some other packaging stuff a bit more)

2008 Nerd: Oh look, they give you little stickers for overlays. Which one do you prefer? Well obviously, this one. Oh I hate doing this shit. Get on there. (He put the green sticker over on the Didj console) Come on, smooth it out. Oh wait, they give you this protective cover also. So you're not gonna see the sticker anyway. Motherfuckers.

2008 Nerd: Let's put the game in. You know, I have high hopes here. I bet this will be pretty decent. It can't be like those old games. I'm sure they learned their lessons by now. So Indy and Mutt are looking for the skull... Hang on, his name is Mutt? What kind of name is that? If they name the dog Indiana, where did Mutt come from? "I have a bad feeling about this, Indy." Yeah, I do too.

2008 Nerd: The game starts up and it's a self-explanatory side scroller. You're jumping around and whipping snakes, but you also have the option of punching. Not sure why. Did Indy just punch a scorpion, and a big one? The scorpion's bigger than him! Imagine if you saw a scorpion that big and had the nerve to walk up to it and punch it. Who does that? Next, he's punching giant rats. It's as big as that thing George Clooney fights in From Dusk Till Dawn.

2008 Nerd: I mentioned this was an educational system, well every now and then you open a chest and have to answer a math problem. But the real problem is this game is a pieceashit. Sometimes you come to a series of platforms you have to jump on the one with the correct answer or else you fall through. Could you imagine that? Speaking from personal experience, I'm supposed to be good at math because I'm a Nerd. But really, I'm not. If this we're real, if my life depended on knowing the math, I'd be screwed. Imagine that, I woke up to the platform and then someone asks, quick! What's 32 divided by eight, I'd be like FUUUUUUCK!

2008 Nerd: As for those treasure chests, the strange thing is, it's optional; you don't really need to do it unless you want the points. Some kid could be playing this and they're supposed to be learning math, but instead they skip the chests and just play the action parts. Let me ask you a question: if you are playing a game and you had to choose between solving math problems or not solving math problems, which would you choose?

2008 Nerd: Some stages you play as Indy, others you play as Mutt. He's in the jungle fighting with a sword on top of trucks and jeeps. Next he's climbing on vines, and the funny thing is, I bet none of this even happens in the movie. What's next? Is there going to be a bunch of monkeys? Not happenin'. When you beat the stage boss, Spalko, the game actually allows you to continuously whack her with the sword. Jeez! How cruel! Spalko? more like Spanko.

2008 Nerd: The game is appropriately easy for kids, but damn, sometimes the clunky control can be frustrating and lead to many deaths. Just a reminder, this is not an NES controller. It's so unfair!

(Indy dies multiple times in the game)

2008 Nerd: Aahhh, Fuck! Shit! Awww, Oh, you motherfucker! The final boss is a statue come to life. That'll be in the movie. Auh! Now this guy is tough. Man! You motherfucker. You motherfucker! Oh man! RRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Well after finally beating him, Indy grabs the Skull looks like. He places it on a skeleton body. Don't look at it, Mutt! It unleashes its power, much like the Ark, and they escape.

2008 Nerd: I don't know about this game. I guess I have high expectations for anything new. But I am excited for that new movie, this is more than a movie, it's an event! Crystal Skull is going to be the last Indiana Jones movie. There's no way they're gonna make any more. It's not like they can de-age Harrison Ford or anything like that. That'd be like if in 15 years, I come back to this same episode. How crazy would that be? Anyway, fuck this Didj game. "Didj" you know it's a pieceashit?

(He whips at the Didj game cartridge, but misses)

2008 Nerd: Ah, missed. Here. Let me try again. (He does) Well, the thing so small, did you really expect me to hit it?

(The 2008 Nerd looks in the cabinet and grabs a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka. He opens up the bottle and drinks it in a shot cup.)

2008 Nerd: Nice going, Ray.

Indiana Jones PC Games[]

2008 Nerd: So before I head off to see the movie, I want to take a brief look through some of the other games to see ahead of time where the movie might take inspiration. For example, on the PC, there was a game called Indiana Jones and his Desktop Adventures. Wow. Real exciting name, right? That would be like calling one of the movies Indiana Jones and the Movie Escapade. It's a precursor to Star Wars: Yoda Stories. It's an overhead action based game with a puzzle solving element. The exploration aspect is great, it has some appeal. But the movement and controls are pretty awkward. Great adventuring, bad combat.

2008 Nerd: But the reason I bring it up is because keep in mind this game came out in '96. But, the Crystal Skull is in it. Of course, the Crystal Skulls are real-life artifacts with a lot of mystery surrounding them, but the fact they were already included in the Indiana Jones universe means that the new movie may borrow things from the games.

2008 Nerd: It was long speculated that Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis from '92, might be the subject of the next movie. While that turned out not to be true, the game did a good job adding new lore to the franchise. It's another point-and-click game and for its time it was very cutting edge. A lot of thought went into the plot and the artwork is great. The graphics and sound are excellent, it plays out very well and gives you enough clues to figure out what to click on. Above all, it feels very cinematic, as if this could have been the fourth movie. But feels kind of sad to end all the fun speculation.

2008 Nerd: Indiana Jones was, of course, inspired by many old film serials and movies that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas saw when they were young. They were also inspired by comics, most notably all the classic Scrooge McDuck Adventures by Karl Barks. So getting back to the games, it's worth looking to see what other Indiana Jones... Wait a minute, that's not an Indiana Jones game! (It's Earnest Evans on the Sega Genesis)

Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb (PS2)[]

2008 Nerd: To see what else the fourth movie could draw from, we could check out the 3D games. Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb was fairly recent. it was on PS2, Xbox, PC, all that shit. Here, Indy has to find a pearl called "The Heart of the Dragon" buried with the first emperor of China. Once again, it doesn't seem like the new film is based on it, but there's a great wealth of imagination and adventure within that could make for great cinematics.

2008 Nerd: This game is another good one, except for some annoying camera angles. You get to use the whip in all the ways you'd hoped for, the voice acting is good, the likeness of Harrison Ford has done pretty well, and overall, there's not much to complain about.

Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine (N64)[]

2008 Nerd: But there is a game that came out before this one: Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine. "Infernal"? The dictionary defines "infernal" as "irritating" and "tiresome". Sounds like something the Shredder would say, like "Blast this inferno machine!" Well this was the first 3D Indiana Jones game, came out in '99 on PC and 2000 on Nintendo 64. From what I heard it was only available at Blockbuster Video.

2008 Nerd: This one's set after the original trilogy. the Soviets are trying to dig up a legendary Babylonian engine that was used to contact an ancient god or whatever. Indie meets up with a member of the CIA who sends him on the mission.

CIA Member: You are a famous archaeologist, I'm just a spy.

2008 Nerd: Yeah, a spy can't do dangerous shit, leave it to the archaeologist. Makes sense. The gameplay is very much like Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Pushing blocks, the Z-targeting and the on-screen item selection and button commands are almost identical. One of the weapons you could switch to is a pair of boxing gloves. Come on, really? Indy's carrying around boxing gloves? And when you switch to it, he punches bare-handed anyway, I don't get it. (The Nerd is surprised)

2008 Nerd: Did you see that? I just killed a snake by punching the air above it! You better watch these snakes. If you get bit, the venom starts draining your health. You gotta use the antidote, but if you're not paying attention, you might not even realize it.

Indiana Jones: Having no understanding...

2008 Nerd: Hey, Indy? Um, Indy? Snap out of it! Oh boy, Indy's talking to the wall again! That venom is making him feel funny. So you just go around, solving puzzles. It is somewhat in line with the movies. He'll do things like climb on top of a truck and somehow the enemies don't notice him. I mean come on there's a guy laying on top the truck, you can't see that? Then you're doing these shitty leap of faith jumps. Of course, it is an Indiana Jones game, and one time I actually landed on a button which unlocked the next part. I didn't even know that was the goal. I'm just making this up as I go. Next, it's an icy winter level. Okay, so what do I do here? Piss "Jehovah" into the snow? I must say, I love when he swims he takes his hat off. Because that would be unrealistic to swim with his hat on? When he comes back out of the water, the hat reappears. So I can only conclude that every time he goes in the water he loses the hat and puts a new one on. Yeah, confirmed. Indy has an unlimited supply of hats in his pants.

(The 2008 Nerd begins to impatient itself as Indiana Jones jumps into a leap of faith many times, then gets stucked out in the way on a looped camera angle. He then warns in shock as it about to make a leap of faith jump glitch. The Nerd covers his face with his hat again and uncovers again as it shocks once more, making it to jump Indy instantly over thin air.)

2008 Nerd: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ASS? This game is so fucked it belongs in a museum!

(The 2008 Nerd drinks another shot of Crystal Head.)

2008 Nerd: The jumps in this game are INSANE! It seems 90% of the time all you're doing is jumping around, hoping to make it. Get OVER there! UGH, you MOTHERFUCKER! Here, let me try again. OHHHHHHHHHHH! Leap of faith?! More like leap of FUCK YOU! UGHHHHHHHH!!!

(The 2008 Nerd is about to whip it, but then the N64 game makes a spear side-to-side in a directed angle. Instead, he uses a traditional NES Zapper, but turns out the game is already aiming a submachine gun at him.)

N64 Cartridge: Maclunky!

(The game shoots, but the Nerd dodges, firing back at the cartridge, destroying it.)

2008 Nerd: I can't take this many references! Anyway, I've gone far enough down the rabbit hole with Indiana Jones games, So I'm done. And hey, guess what? You know what time it is? It's movie time! That's right, I'm off to see Crystal Skull. (The 2008 Nerd drinks another shot of Crystal Head) Well, I'll see you next time with some shorter reviews, you know, I need a little break here. So just stay away from all that foul shit. Go check out the movie I guess, and, I'll see you later.

(The 2008 Nerd starts walks away from his old game room, while showing Boo the Cat walk pass underneath. He is about to see the Crystal Skull movie as we fade to black.)

(Fade back in and the Nerd is almost hysterical, drinking from the Crystal Head bottle.)

2008 Nerd: Ugh.... uuuaaaugh, God! Ohhhh my GOD, I can't believe it's not as good as Raiders and Crusade! WHO WOULD THOUGHT A MOVIE MADE IN THE YEAR 2008 WOULD HAVE ANY CG IN IT!? AAAAUGH! If they make another Indiana Jones movie, I'm NOT watching it!

15 YEARS LATER

The Nerd: All right, I'm off to see the Dial of Destiny. Speaking of which, I happen to have found the real Dial. Yeah, it has the power to change the course of history. It's a little old, it's a little smelly, a little muddy. Wait a minute... that's not mud... Oh. (He looks over the real dial which turns out it is diarrhea) This isn't the Dial, this-this... This is the Diarrhea Dial!

(15 years before...)

2008 Nerd: Ugh, I need to cleanse my palate, I need to watch something else. I know! The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones! Yeah! That's what I'll do.

The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles on DVD[]

2008 Nerd: I have the new DVD set. I always meant to getting around to watching it. Let's open this bad boy. wow, this is a LOT of discs and this is only volume one. Look at all these! Oh, and look at all these special features. Yeah, Disc 12 has an interactive timeline, historical lecture, revolution interactive... GAME? No!

The Nerd: Let's see if this diarrhea dial works. I guess you just push this... Ugh... (The Nerd turns the Diarrhea Dial)

2008 Nerd: Oh, oh is it possible that these games... are getting even shittier?

2008 Nerd: Looks like the Nerd's got more work to do. Shorter reviews, my ass! That looks nothing like Indiana Jones, not Harrison Ford or Sean Patrick Flannery! And it's an educational game? Who wants that? It's a sad thing when you can say the best part of the whole game is playing Blackjack. But if this is an educational game for kids, why would they teach you gambling? What were they thinking?!

(The present-day Nerd looks around; the Diarrhea Dial has apparently done nothing.)

The Nerd: Huh, I don't know...

2008 Nerd: Actually... this isn't bad. Considering it's just a DVD extra, they put a lot of effort into it. It's basically like an episode of the show made into an Oregon Trail type of game where you have to manage your supply of food and water. The dialogue is well written and the voice acting is good.

The Nerd: Maybe I got to push it harder. (The Nerd turns the Diarrhea Dial again.)

2008 Nerd: Oh, I died for no reason?!?! Did I have a snake bite? Did I forget to drink water? I don't know! And you know what's worse, there's three of these games from each DVD volume: Revolution, Special Delivery, and Hunting For Treasure. And they all SUCK! The drawings look like a discombobulated mess! And when you're not having a lame ass confusing conversation, you're busy whipping snakes and murdering people and animals! You never have enough room in your inventory. Sometimes it's even full right from the start, I never know what to do so I find myself just playing Blackjack all the time. Because of that, I guess I lost all my money for food and water! On top of the crippling financial ruin, dehydration and delirium, Indy apparently has broken arms, Snake Venom Malaria and dies a broke loser.

Instruments of Chaos Starring Young Indiana Jones (Sega Genesis)[]

2008 Nerd: Since we're on a Young Indiana Jones theme now, let's check out the Genesis game. Instruments of Chaos. First, you get a message from Agent Rolf. "Rolf"? Nobody's name is "Rolf". The mission is to stop enemy spies from buying the latest weapon technologies from countries all over Europe. You can play the stages in any order you like, So I'll try out England. The action starts on London's Tower Bridge. It's a basic side scroller, seems pretty average.

(The present-day Nerd starts to frustrate as he turns the Diarrhea Dial once again)

2008 Nerd: OHHHHH, THIS MAKES ALL THE OTHER GAMES SEEM GREAT! Uuggghh, I keep getting zapped by lightning over and over! Every step I take a bird or something that hits me and knocks me back! Get over there! And these construction workers are always in my way! Who would be working on a bridge in the middle of a thunderstorm? Oh, I can just shoot them? Indiana Jones murders construction workers? What kind of hero is he? There's no clear indication of where to go. Can I go over here? Fuuuuck!

2008 Nerd: Oh I get it, you're supposed to bomb the gearbox. How are you supposed to know that? So Indy bombs a bridge and kills people. I bet you weren't aware of his dark past. I wonder if that's canon. Anyway, I could not beat this stage. After about an hour, I gave up and tried Tibet.

The Nerd: Come on, give it to me Diarrhea Dial, come on!

(He slowly continues to turn the Diarrhea Dial yet again)

2008 Nerd: Oh... goodness! Here, all you're doing is hopping across sheets of ice. And if you thought this game would have smooth platform jumping, you're wrong. You try to calculate your trajectory, but only end up falling in the water, again and again! To make things worse, somebody left wooden crates laying around. And just when you start getting some momentum, a fish leaps out and knocks you back! Don't you hate it when that happens? When you're busy trying to jump across sheets of ice and a fucking fish hits you in the face?

2008 Nerd: Then I tried the India stage. (Young Indiana Jones begin to whip up tons on enemies, but it's in the wrong direction many times) Alright, just go! Ugh! Oh, what the fuck happened there? All right, come on, whip! Oh okay, never mind. Let's get the- Ahhh! God! Come on, die! Die! Die! Okay let's go- All right, let's get rid of the snake first! Oh-oh my God! I can't even- Oh! Come on, die! The problem with this stage is there's too many enemies attacking all at once! It's as if you took all the enemies in the entire stage and crammed them all into one spot, like the enemies got smart and said: "Hey, let's gang up on 'em!" There's hard games, excruciatingly difficult games, but THIS falls to a whole new level of no mercy torture games. Get used to that end screen that says we regret to inform you, Indiana Jones is dead. As if they want it to sink in.

2008 Nerd: Your beloved character has died, because YOU failed. That's it, the character is dead; Harrison Ford's never comin' back to do another movie and it's all YOUR FAULT, because you got hit by a combination of BIRDS, SNAKES, FLYING KNIVES AND A MONKEY HOPPED UP ON DRUGS!

2008 Nerd: Alright, just one last stage. This is it, last try. You can't go to Germany until you've beaten the rest. And I can't beat a single one so far! But maybe in Egypt I'll have better luck. Let's see.

(Present-day Nerd continues to turn the Diarrhea Dial)

The Nerd: Oh, diarrhea...

(2008 Nerd watches in horror as Young Indiana Jones is blown away by a sandstorm. The game starts to chug while he attempts to whip the enemy but is getting hit by a snake)

2008 Nerd: Whip the fuckin' snake! (He frustrates once more and Young Indy whips a snake, then runs into an enemy and dies) FUCK... FUUUUCCCKKK!!!

(The 2008 Nerd throws down the Genesis controller, then he makes to whip it. He then has another idea. He takes a tiny drawn Genesis cartridge and stabes it repeatedly.)

The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (NES)[]

2008 Nerd: (sighs) I don't think I can take it anymore, but our last hope, is The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles on NES.

(Present-day Nerd continues to turn the Diarrhea Dial)

The Nerd: Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha...

(Scene of AVGN playing The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles on TV, Then we see the 2008 Nerd gets shocked and surprised, causing the controls seem to be too hard. He makes it more awfully worse)

2008 Nerd: Awww! THIS IS THE WORST INDIANA JONES GAME OF ALL! This is below any human standard of decency!! I can't even believe this is real!! Why did they make level one so difficult?! Right out of the gate, this game bullies you relentlessly! How were kids supposed to play this?! There's games that just suck, but then there's games that seem to be made with ill intent, like this was designed to punish your soul, as if someone hates you. Well fuck them!

2008 Nerd: They don't allow you to make any mistakes. You might be having a near-flawless run, but oops! You get hit, you lose your weapon, and then you're down to your fists, which is useless. You come to a wall of gun turrets like the Contra level one boss. Good luck tryin' to punch that! I've given every ounce of my gaming spirit, and I CAN'T BEAT LEVEL ONE! UUNNNGGGH! URRRRRGGGGGH! RRRRRGGGGGH!

(Suddenly, the 2008 Nerd is about to get a sudden heart attack)

2008 Nerd: Uh! Mmf! Guh- it's killing me. No no, it's ACTUALLY killing me! Aah! WHY DID ALL THESE GAMES SUCK?

(The present-day Nerd is about to open the right-side Diarrhea dial locket, as it turns the dial even fast enough in an alternate universe)

2006 Nerd: The Power Glove works perfectly!

(The present-day Nerd pushes the Dial further to the right. And now, the Power Glove sucks.)

2006 Nerd: That's it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore.

The Batnerd: These Batman games are amazing!

(Then the present-day Nerd pushes the Dial further to the right. And now, these Batman games suck.)

The Batnerd: WHA- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!

2014 Nerd: Big Rigs is one of the best racing games I've ever played.

(And finally, the present-day Nerd pushes the Dial further to the right. And now, Big Rigs sucks.)

2008 Nerd: Dying, dying, I'm dying... there's only one thing that can save me.

(He picks up the grail, then pours the holy water onto it. He pours out from the grail into the tummy and then, he drinks it. But it started to still suffer a heart attack into a replica)

2008 Nerd: Ah, oh, oh... ahh... Oh... oh shit! Agh! Ah, I should've known - it's a replica! Fuck! DAGGGH- AAAAAAGGGH! UUUUUUGGGH! UUUUUUUGGGGGH!

(The 2008 Nerd then screams itself and he's transformed into a dead skeleton. The present-day Nerd in 2023 is about to fade out from existence within the Diarrhea Dial.)

The Nerd: Oh God. Oh what's happening? Ah... aah...!

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