Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
Advertisement
The_Last_Ninja_(NES)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

The Last Ninja (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(The Nerd from 2006 turns on the TV, to set the game, and the title card shows up. Blows the cartridge that says The Last Ninja, and sets it in the Nintendo Entertainment System.)

The Nerd (2006): Well, you just saw how much Ninja Turtles sucked, so now, I wanna show you a different game, The Last Ninja. You might think, it might kind of be like, Ninja Gaiden, or uh, maybe Shadow of the Ninja, or uh, Wrath of the Black Manta, or any of the other million ninja games on the NES. But no, this one exists on a whole other plane of bullshit.

First of all, good luck getting used to the controls. You might say it's innovative that the game designers try to do a three-dimensional angle, but these controls are so awkward. I mean, what the hell? Fighting enemies is even worse; you have to be perfectly lined up to hit them.

The Nerd (2006): I also love how the energy meters are spirals. I guess they were tryin' to be different, Well, it's different alright. So already you've come to a dead end, So what do you do? Take a guess, you have to punch this button which opens a secret hatch on the screen you were just at, So you have to go back. I also don't understand why the bottom has a picture of the Statue of Liberty coming out the ninja's ear. What's the point?

And you know what pisses me off? When you knock down an enemy, they get up all over again, so you have to fight them all over again. So you're running around a park beating up random people including a juggling clown who looks like he came from a black and white silent film, you can't jump in the water, because water kills you.

So I think you're supposed to jump on this boat. (Groans) Let's try again, Oh fuck!

The Nerd (2006): I mean, you gotta have patience to get used to the controls. But how can ya have patience when you're in a hurry? What a piece of shit.

I love how it tells you, you have only zero lives left. That's great. In general, I never understood games where you can have zero lives. If you're down to your last life, it should says one life, but I guess that would make too much sense. I also love how the scoreboard has Bert and Ernie, Barney and Fred, and Stan and Oliver, as in Laurel and Hardy.

Lemme ask a question: who were the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who like ninjas, dinosaurs, robots, and uh... G.I. Joe. Do you think any of these kids knew Laurel and fuckin' Hardy?!

Anyway, let's get on this boat. Goddamn! Get on there! (Grunts) Fuck! Get on There! This is completely useless! I have no chance of getting on there! How did this happen?! Ughhh! FUUUUCK! (The Nerd from 2006 screams in slow motion.) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

(He takes the cartridge out of the Nintendo Entertainment System, throws it out, and then it explodes.)

The Nerd (2006): It's IMPOSSIBLE! I don't have the patience for this crap. I mean, what the hell were they thinking with this garbage?

The real tragedy is that, nobody remembers how bad these games were. After so much time passes, you only remember the good aspects. This game came out in '91. At the time of recording this video, that was 15 years ago. And Nerd, if you followed my instructions, by the time you're watching this DVD, another 15 years have passed.

The Nerd: Close enough.

The Nerd (2006): So let this DVD serve as a personal reminder, should you one day forget: Last Ninja is a steaming pile of goat shit.

The Nerd: I was bein' too hard on it. It couldn't have been that bad.

The Nerd (2006): And I know what you're thinking: it couldn't have been that bad, but you NEED to play it one more time.

The Nerd: Sure.

The Nerd (2006): And then, you must finally release this episode.

The Nerd: Does that mean the last one's still 200?

The Nerd (2006): Do it Nerd. Upload it on, uh, whatever replaces YouTube.

The Nerd: Still YouTube.

The Nerd (2006): And then, you'll warn the world of this awful putrid horridness.

The Nerd: There's plenty of worse things goin' on in the world but, OK.

The Nerd (2006): Don't fail me. You must continue to be, the Angry Nintendo Nerd.

The Nerd: Well, now I'm just the Video Game Nerd, I'm not angry anymore, I can now appreciate these games, every game is made under a set of circumstances, you may never know what the game designers were going through at the time. Here, let's give it a fair shot.

Luckily, The cartridge survived the 2000's era Apple live type explosion, funny it says game of the year.

(NOTE: The "Game of the Year" banner was actually in reference to the fact that the original C64 version won that award from Commodore User Magazine in their March 1989 issue, which was #66.)

(Puts The Last Ninja NES cartridge in the Nintoaster.)

The Nerd: This would have been '91. Um, what other games came out that year?

(A list of 1991 games showed are, Battletoads, Street Fighter II, The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past, Final Fantasy IV, Sonic The Hedgehog, Super Castlevania IV, Metroid II: The Return of Samus, TMNT III: The Manhattan Project, TMNT IV: Turtles in Time, Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts, Toejam and Earl, Megaman 4, T2: The Arcade Game, Monkey Island 2: Lechuck's Revenge, The Simpsons Arcade, Sunset Riders, Captain Commando, Streets of Rage, Fatal Fury, Quackshot Starring Donald Duck, Super R-Type, Golden Axe II, Phantasy Star III, NES Open Tournament Golf, Dr. Claw's Dump 'N Pump, Ninja Gaiden III, Adventure Island 2, Road Rash, Yoshi, Operation C, Bonk's Revenge, Gunforce, Shatterhand, Adventures of Lolo 3, King of the Monsters, Solitary Fighter, and a fuckton of others...)

The Nerd: Better than all those? Well that's quite a claim, but uh, let's give it a try. I can get further this time. Maybe I'll beat Bert and Ernie's score.

Alright, so let me get use to the controls again, this isn't so bad, oh wait, oh my, oh boy well it's not too bad, I mean it's, it's a little bad, it's it's... Oh boy! I will say, it was an ambitious attempt you don't see too many NES games try out an isometric angle like this, and even fewer that are successful. Snake Rattle 'N' Roll is a better example, still somewhat awkward, but it's much easier to control, whenever you stop moving, that's were you stop, but in Last Ninja, it seems you're stuck to a larger grid anytime, you try to stop or interact with anything, whether it's picking up an item hitting a switch or fighting an enemy, you have to jerk yourself around till you land in the precise spot. Since you can only move in diagonals, the d-pad becomes a detriment, the game uses a controller that only has four directions, up, down, left, and right, yet those are the only four directions you can't go. Even the manual says, don't be confused by the unique 3D technology. But hey, it was pretty advanced at the time, I mean this was before Mario 64. But hang on, the Commodore 64 version is actually smoother. Yeah! It helps using a joystick, but seems the movements are much more fluid, uh except, I can't stop moonwalking for some reason.

(The Ninja moonwalking while background music of Michael Jackson's Beat It from A Sega Genesis game Michael Jackson's Moonwalker plays.)

The Nerd: Unfortunately, I wasn't able to play the Commodore version for very long, because I couldn't pick up the key, I tried the fire buttons, hit every button on the physical keyboard, plus try to ROM and used every button on the virtual keyboard, but nothing would pick that key. Strange thing, this is actually Last Ninja 2 in the Commodore 64 series, that's right, I said series, so the version we got on the NES was actually Last Ninja 2, but it was called The Last Ninja, now we're getting chronologically confused.

So anyway, back to the NES version, this ninja is probably the least Stealthy ninja I've ever seen, he's running around the park in broad daylight making an ass of himself. Last Ninja, should be called the worst ninja, it's a shame all the other ones died, so he's the only one we have left. You know, most the enemies just run back and fourth, they don't attack you until you start a fight, so really this ninja's just going around being a bully, come to think of it, the 80's didn't usually portray ninjas in their traditional Japanese sense. Look at Ninja 3: The Domination, where he's terrorizing a golf course, just ask my generation, what a ninja, first thing that comes to mind, is turtles wearing bandanas.

The Nerd: (Chuckles) This ninja is really something, he can't touch grass, dies in water, and he stops to buy a burger at a burger stand. Now that's great, I just love the idea that the ninja is running around with a burger in his pocket. The funny thing is nobody is there at the stand selling the burger, it's just sitting there unattended all by itself, who would trust that?

This ninja can hardly even defeat what appears to be the park security guard, what's he trying to stop me from using the restroom? Come on you fuck, Oh come on, come on, come on.

Well damn, after all that work, I might as well take a piss, okay tried going to the men's room, but it's not working. So I guess the bathroom's off limits. Wait a minute.

(The Nerd shockingly realized about the ninja entering the ladies room.)

The Nerd: You can go in the ladies room, and he doesn't open the door, he passes through the door, so my assumption would be, this is a glitch, but no, there's a second ladies room on the other side of the level that you can also go in, so it's intentional, the game makes enter the ladies room. Yeah, on top of being a bully, this ninja is a creep, the game makes you into a ninja pervert. (Sighs) To select the weapons you'd think hitting select would be sufficient, but no, you have to hold select and hit B, few games pull that shit, the only other one that come to mind is Dick Tracy, with the first aid.

Now that you have the weapon, it hardly does anything. I mean scratch that, it does nothing! Look! Passes right through him like a ghost. There's another game where you try to beat people with a stick and it doesn't work, you know what I'm taking about, Jekyll and Hyde. But there's one major difference, in Jekyll and Hyde, you can kill the bees, but in this game, not even the bees, not even the fucking bees. I'm beginning to think, this game might genuinely suck.

Now that dreaded boat. Let's give it a try. A real try. A real, heartfelt, honest-to-god, ball-busting, MOTHERFUCKIN' try!

The Nerd: (struggles to get in the boat) Ugh! Uhhhh! Fuck! (Grunts) Ah!

The Nerd: I've thought of numerous possibilities, maybe I'm not supposed to go this way, maybe there's another way to get through the water, maybe there's an item I missed, but all my investigation and deductions point me to the idea that I must jump on this boat. I've jumped from every conceivable launching point, I've timed my trajectory with the boat in multiple ways and, nothing works, and worse, you only get a few seconds to think about it, once the boat passes, you'd think another boat will come by, but no, you missed it, it's gone, so leave the screen, come back and try again, asshole.

It has to be possible. It has to be. I wonder how Ernie did it. I've tried landing on the edge of the boat, I've tried landing dead center, but where oh where is that magic little pixel that invisible bullseye of super strict programming? It'll be more possible to slingshot and hit a bird's turd intercepting it in midair altering it's trajectory to land into the asshole of a horse on a passing truck, right it's about to shit. This thing is no joke, unless it is a joke, how could they have not been aware how unplayable this is, it's an actual published game sold in stores, with the official Nintendo seal of quality! How could something like this slip by?!

(The Ninja almost lands on the boat and slips, then the Nerd gasps.)

The Nerd: Oh my God! I almost landed on it! So it is possible. I was about to give up, but that little tease is gonna keep me going, and keep pissing away hours of my life!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (4 screens of the Ninja falling into the water.) FUUUUUUUCK!

(The Ninja lands on the boat, The Nerd gasps and holds his breath) I made it, I made it!

(The Ninja jumps and misses, splashing into the water.)

The Nerd: NOOOOOOO!

The Nerd: Come one just all right, right on the edge right here, Fuck!

(Ninja has one life left in the game, and then jumps on the boat, and the second jump eventually)'

The Nerd: I did it! I finally did it! But now what?

The Nerd: This victory has brought me an all-new sense of paranoia. How much worse could this game get? Well, behold! You made it on the boat? Well - now try it with no boat, dickwad!

I guess you just gotta... make the jump, right? (The Ninja jumps without the boat and falls into the water) Nope.

So I went back and the only other path I see leads to water, now we've already established water kills you, right? So there certainly couldn't be anything up there, but in the good words of Doc Brown, I figured what the hell.

(The Boat shows up on the other side)

The Nerd: (*Laughs*) A Leap of faith, Classic! And now you have boat number two, as if one wasn't enough, by the way, you gotta love how they flipped the sprite, the first one said Nina I think, and this one's written backwards. So they were too lazy to redo it, they just flipped the sprite. So anyway, you slap the boat to make it move, race to the next screen, and now you gotta jump on it. (The Ninja fails to jump on the boat.) DOOKIE! Come on, Come on! Fuck! Come on, Come on! Fuck!

(The Ninja successfully jumps on the boat and then the platform completing the level.)

The Nerd: Done! I beat it! I beat... (Sighs) Level 1.

The Nerd: If you made it this far, you already know what you're in for, this is not gonna be your ordinary shitty game, you're not just gonna get the usual tedious button mashing, the unfair pitfalls, and cryptic conundrums. It's not gonna be the usual cheap shots, the dirty below the belt bullshit. No! This time my friend, you're heading into the land of mother fuck.

(A montage of dramatic music being played while The Ninja getting killed multiple times in an alley styled street.)

The Nerd: So I came to three doorways, you may be guessing, this is all going to turn into some big confusing maze. So let's try door number one.

(The Ninja gets killed)

The Nerd: Dead? Door number three...

(The Ninja gets killed again)

The Nerd: ...Dead. What killed me?! At least have the courtesy to show what was in the door, because now it's driving me nuts! Was there a pit of venomous snakes back there? A maniac with a chainsaw? Or Kevin McCallister with a bunch of paint cans? What the fuck killed me?!

And what kind of game am I playing? There's no skill here, it's just luck, it's like saying pick a hand, that's not a game! That's the lowest most basic caveman version of a game. So you go in the middle door, and what comes next? Another set of doors. (cringes) oh dear lord, oh damn. oh, you see what I have to deal with here? So now it's all about trail and error, memorizing the path, I can't even compare this to any shit that I know, it would be sort of like playing Dragon's Lair if it were crunched up and stuffed inside Deadly Towers, this is like the ultimate amalgamation of all the fiendish barbaric games I dealt with. Sometimes you're supposed to go through the ground, like these sewer drains. How are you suppose to know that? Most the time you just walk by thinking it's part of the graphics and open them, you gotta stand on the precise spot, come on. Same thing with the sewer lid, you just gotta fuck about till it opens. Not to mention, why the sewers? What is it about Nintendo games and sewers? What is it about ninja games? what is about ninja and sewers? The only thing more cliche would be if there were alligators in the sewers.

There's alligators in the sewers. The alligator can't be defeated using any ordinary means, so check this out. Here's what they make you do, You have to take a bottle that you found on the level before, and use it on this torch in the previous room, so you can ignite it, and throw it in the fucking gator's face. What psycho thought to program this? Who just leaves a Molotov cocktail in the middle of a sidewalk, have you ever come across one in your daily routine? You know, just a fucking bottle of gasoline and a rag sitting on a sidewalk as you're strolling by to the coffee shop. Who fucking throws molotov cocktails at gators? There's no other way, a ninja could get past a gator other than fucking incinerating it. I mean there's the gator just burning alive! Who does that?

The next level starts, and I pick up something on the ground. What's this suppose to be, A MasterCard? (Exclaims in surprise and smiles) Kick fucking ass, I got a MasterCard, life is kinda cool sometimes. By the way, I've now officially beaten Ernie's score, I'm guessing Ernie gave up at the gator. In the last couple of stages, I've come to realize, this game forces you to think with a ninja's perspective, so here's some of the ninja wisdom I've learned from playing this game.

One may see food as nourishment and survival, but one who puts a chicken drumstick in a box turns it poisonous green and feeds it to a panther will ensure one's survival in the road ahead. An open mind leads to open doors, an open mind to think of pushing against a desk. Take small steps towards your goals, otherwise a giant fan will blow you to your doom. One must become the master of their environment, when a helicopter come by dangling a ladder, don't think that's the target, Instead, Jump off the fucking roof! Don't take the obvious route, instead a random window, maybe a window of opportunity. The path less traveled is less traveled, because a rack of wine bottles are deadly to the touch. See things with your own mind, Is the picture of aze with roses, or the Grateful Dead skeleton? Be formless, shapeless. Like piss. Piss into a toilet bowl, it becomes the toilet bowl. It pervades the air. Consumes all matter around it. It can spray, or drip, or splash. Be piss, my friend.

The Nerd: But everything in this game, was just a warmup. Because what's up next, is one of THE most INFURIATING boss fights, ever!

You come to a room with pentagram. You enter a code to open a safe. You pick an orb, spawning a ghost ninja who strikes you immediately. I found no way to avoid the first blow. He will hit you and drain your health, no matter what. So this ghost ninja can't be killed conventionally. If you knock him down, he'll get back up. What you need to do is, drop his ass in the middle of the pentagram. But that's not all. The five candles all need to be lit. But that's easier said than done. You can't knock him down first, and then start lightin' the candles, because he gets back up too soon. And any time he gets back up, all the candles get reset. So you try lighting the candles first, right? But how are you gonna do that with this guy all over you? He drains all your health in three hits. Not to mention, the wicked controls! Tryin' to stop on the EXACT pixel to light the candles, is a task in itself. You have to be PERFECT with the controls, and somehow miraculously light the candles, while avoiding this guy at the same time! You gotta at least light a couple of candles BEFORE knocking him down. Then you just might have enough time to light the remaining three.

The Nerd: (Gasps) Got him down. Oh no, he's not fully inside the pentagram. I hope it counts. Please count. Please, I hope it counts! Come on, come on!

(The Ghost Ninja gets up and resets the candles.)

The Nerd: FUUUCK! So close! So close! (Grunts) UUUUUGH! Fuck you. OH WHAT, NOW HE'S THROWIN' SHURIKENS ALL OF A SUDDEN?!

The Nerd: Okay, two candles lit. Got him in the center. Light the rest! That's four. Five!

(The Candles of the pentagram lit, as the Ghost Ninja blows up to firework style confetti.)

The Nerd: YEEESSS! I BEAT IT! Oh boy! Oh, the only thing left that this shitty game would need... is a shitty end screen.

(The Congratulations screen shows up, which says "Congratulations! You have defeated the evil shogun. The teachings of the Ninjitsu can resume and continue without harm. Kunitoki, the evil ninja ghost, has been well and truly banished to another place. So relax, sit back and take it easy!")

The Nerd: Wait a minute, why are the words "ninja" and "relax" flashing colors? Is that a subliminal message? Is it tryin' to tell us something? Hmmm... But I still don't see any typos. It needs one. Just one.

"We hope you've enjoyed battling the roughest, toughest, meanest, hardest, ninja bad guys in the west, and would like thank you for playing our game". "Would like thank you"?! THEY DID IT! It's COMPLETE! A full, home run shit fest! After 200 episodes, I never thought I'd see anything so PERFECTLY FUCKED!

THIS is a MAJOR CODE RED on the Shit Scale! It sits right on there with Jekyll and Hyde! In fact, I think it might even be WORSE than Jekyll and Hyde! This might be the WORST NES game I EVER played, and I'm NEVER revisiting this one! I'd rather slurp the liquefied bowels of a diarrhetic yeti after it's gorged itself on the stinking dead carcass of a rotten warthog! As long as there still exist more shitty games, I will continue to be... the Angry Video Game Nerd.

Ernie: Say, Nerd...

The Nerd: Yes?

Ernie: I just got outta the bathtub, and uh... happened to notice you've been playin' Last Ninja on NES. Is that right, Nerd?

The Nerd: Yes. That's right.

Ernie: I also happened to notice you beat the game, huh?

The Nerd: I did.

Ernie: Well, that's real swell, Nerd. You know, I happened to notice somethin' else. Somethin' about that scoreboard, Nerd.

The Nerd: What?

Ernie: I noticed your score is above my score, Nerd. Is that right?

(The Nerd looks at the high scoreboard.)

The Nerd: It is.

Ernie: Because I just wanted to check Nerd, and make sure my eyes are seeing correctly. Your name is on the top.

The Nerd: Correct.

Ernie: So uh, that means you beat my high score, huh?

The Nerd: Yeah... that okay with you?

Ernie: Absolutely, Nerd. I think it's great you beat my score, I do. I really do! I bet that makes you feel real great about yourself, that you beat good ol' Ernie's score! Congratulations to you, Nerd!

The Nerd: Thanks.

Ernie: You know what I really like? How you beat my score twice! And the first time, you know what you wrote? Say it, Nerd. What does that spell?

The Nerd: It says "Ass".

Ernie: Hmmm, "Ass". Is that what it says, Nerd? Can you repeat that for me one more time?

The Nerd: AAAASSSS!

Ernie: So if "Ass" is higher than my name, Nerd, that means I'm below "Ass", meaning I'm less than shit?! Is that how I'm supposed to feel, Nerd?!

The Nerd: You know, Bert's score's higher than yours.

Ernie: Fuck Bert! I already took care of him! You don't have to worry about that.

The Nerd: Look, just get outta here!

Ernie: Oh, that's how it is, Nerd? You just wanna beat my high score and tell me to get the fuck out?!

The Nerd: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT!

Ernie: Take that, bitch! (Punches the Nerd) Fuck you, motherfucker! You fuckin' piece of shit, I'll fuckin' kill you! (Laughs while continuously punching) You beat my score? Well - beat this, motherfucker! You feel real good about yourself, huh? Well, that's good for ya! (Laughs some more)

The Nerd: (Punches Ernie in a knockout)

Ernie: Ah! Help me, Big Bird! (As the Nerd continuously punches him multiple times, he chokes him unconscious.)

(The Nerd then turns off the Nintoaster, unplugs the controller port, grabs it and then Ernie, sending him to the bathtub.)

Ernie: Ohhh! You're one sick fuck, Nerd!

(The Nintoaster gets thrown into the bathtub, as Ernie screams and then is electrified to death.)

The Nerd: YEAAAAAH!

Advertisement