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Purr_Pals_(Wii)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Purr Pals (Wii) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

The Nerd: Remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, as prophesized in my Christmas Carol episode, I would one day be dedicating a full episode... to the Wii. Back in 2006, when it came out, I was busy talkin' about the Power Glove, and how the idea of controlling the game with physical movement and game sensors was... something that... didn't really work out.

The Nerd (Ep. 14): Now you're playin' with power... Now you're playin' with fuckin' shit!

The Nerd: Well, the Wii Remote was a big improvement over the Power Glove, but it definitely had its... not-so-great moments.

Imagine: Party Babyz[]

The Nerd: Check out Party Babyz. Yeah! These babies are here to party!

(The Nerd blows into the Wii and pretends to insert the game disc.)

The Nerd: It takes place in a nursery with a bunch of baby party games. Now, tell me, can you imagine a nursery where they call the kids "Baby 1", "Baby 2", and so on? That's some shitty nursery! They don't even take the time to remember the kids' names? Not to mention, what's with the big scary monkey face? Is this a nursery, or some kind of demented funhouse? So I'm the baby on the left... fallin' on my ass. Even with the instructions, I still can't get the controls down. Yeah - that's how the Wii is; it's all about inventing different kinds of motions, like ya might have to move it like this, or like this, or like this.

The Nerd: And as soon as you figure it out, it's on to the next mini-game, and now it's all different! Give me a chance! Like this race here. What ya have to do, is hold the remote horizontally, and tilt it left and right really fast. Does that sound like fun? It isn't. Well, I almost made it to the next part, but then the rest of the babies all jump on these little bouncy animal things, and they leave me in the dust! The game won't let me move anymore! Stopped me dead in my tracks! And now, I gotta sit here and watch the rest of the race? Come on, ya can't leave a baby behind, that's brutal! And when they lap me, I'm gone! What happened to the baby?! That's fucked up, man! And anyone who wants to tell me this game is easy, would only be admitting... they're good at Party Babyz.

Balls of Fury[]

The Nerd: Then there's Balls of Fury, based on the ping-pong comedy with Christopher Walken. So ya just swing the Wii Remote around like an idiot, and try to pull off crazy moves. There's not much to say about this game, other than just the fact that it exists.

Monkey Mischief[]

The Nerd: Then there's Monkey Mischief, where ya steal steaks from lions. Yeah... somebody had to think of that. Monkeys stealing steaks from lions.

Billy the Wizard[]

The Nerd: Then there's Billy the Wizard. Oh man, but ya think it's a rip-off of Harry Potter, huh? Just you wait! It's a rip-off of Superman 64! All ya do is fly through rings! I mean, sorry. They're hoops, not rings. All I do is run into walls, and try to make giant U-turns to get myself back around. Oh, these controls SUCK! It would be like if Superman 64 were BROKEN!

Purr Pals[]

The Nerd: But of all the games I've auditioned... I think the one you need to see, is Purr Pals, aww! It's one of those virtual pet games where you raise a pet. First, you pick your cat, and I gotta hand it to them. The customization is off the hook. I can't believe how many different cat breeds they've included here. Oh my. They have a Turkish Van. Well, that's just perfect, because I have a real Turkish Van, for 14 years now, named Yeti. And for this occasion, I think you should meet the elusive Yeti. Aww, so damn cute! Oh, you so soft, you so soft, you white little fluffy piece of shit! Aww, you fuckin' fuck face!

The Nerd: Anyway, the main gist of the game is, to maintain the pet and keep up with her needs. Does she need grooming? Alright, well, groom that shit. Oh God, they animated the cat lifting its ass. That's what cats do, but this one looks like she just stepped in a puddle with a live wire! The way it really goes is like this: pet your cat down the back, and they raise their butt to the sky. It's almost automatic, like it's a button, a button called "Butt-On." You know, I looked up the reason why cats do this. It's because they want to mark you with their scent... from... their anal glands. Oh God, Yeti!

The Nerd: I like whenever you pet the cat, she sparkles. Yeah, that's right. You ever have that happen? You ever pet your cat, and it sparkles? Aww yeah, the old lady, old lady Yeti, old lady, yeah. So much fur, so much fuckin' fur, you little piece of shit.

The Nerd: She can also play with a ball of yarn. Here aww, you want this yarn? Here, go get it! Oh shit, I threw it in the tub. And the playing was so intense it made the tub disappear. This cat never actually touches the yarn. She just runs near it and rolls around. What's this cat's problem? If the cat's hungry, you feed her. She anxiously waits by standing and clapping like she's at some dance party. Yeah, you know when you bring your cat food and fuckin' dances?

The Nerd: The idea is simple. You put the food in the bowl, right? You take the sponsored Purina can, and put it in the green bowl with the arrow. (BUZZ!) Nope. That's not a food can, that's the bowl the cat eats out of. Okay, so you grab the Purina from the inventory on the left and you place it in the Purina bowl. (BUZZ!) Nope. Okay, you take the Purina from the inventory and place it in the green bowl. And then, you awkwardly turn the Wii remote to pour it out. It lands in the bowl and teleports it's way into the Purina bowl. Oh, and that other blue dish, never mind that. Why does there have to be so many different bowls? It would have been the simplest thing to program, Just have the food here and the dish here. And also, who puts their cat dish in the direct center of the kitchen anyway? You can even spray the cat with water. Oh come on, really?

The Nerd: Then there's a bunch of mini-games, like "Mouse Hunt". You control a mouse and have to sneak past the cat without getting caught. Wouldn't it be more fun if you were controlling the cat? Besides, a mouse would never be stupid enough to get that close to a cat. But who cares about any of that? What really concerns me is the Gasoline and Propane Tank. Who the hell let's their cat play around gasoline and propane? Doesn't seem like the safest area. Of course, it's just a game, but what raises the biggest question is: Why did they design it that way? Why do they stick out so much? I have a hard time believing that they're just part of the scenery. Don't they seem like, props you're meant to interact with? It just leaves you with an ominous feeling.

(In the game, the cat turns around sideways, ominously, as the Nerd looks impressive and getting ever weirder. The real-life white cat, Yeti, then turns itself ominously, simillar to the game. The Nerd does nothing with his face sitting over his hand by the Wii remote.)

The Nerd: Nothing.

The Nerd: Oh-ho! The cat went through the tire! Of course, the cat's hanging around gasses and chemicals so much, it reduces the cat's molecular density allowing her to pass through solid matter. This cat definitely has supernatural properties, it levitates. You ever see your cat levitate? What do you think, Yeti?

(Yeti, the real-life white cat, is levitating.)

The Nerd: Then there's a golf game. Yeah. Golf. You might wonder what this has to do with cats? Well, um, the cat has an owner and the owner likes to play golf in the backyard. So basically it has nothing to do with anything. Oh, shit! Almost hit the cat! Then there's Ping-Pong. (The cat catches the Ping-Pong ball over it) Oh, god! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! (He laughs hysterically.) Oh, oh, make it stop! Make it stop! It's killing me! I-I kinda thought the cat would chase the ping pong ball, you know like cat-cats do. But no! This cat is actually playing fucking ping pong, and it's a pro! Did the people who designed this game ever own or know a cat? That doesn't happen! Oh, but it's great. This is the stuff of fucking legend!

The Nerd: All right, let's see what you got, Cat! Let's see, let's see what- (He looks over a creppy gnome in the game) Ah! There's a fucking creepy gnome in the background! Please, somebody tell me, why is it there? They just put a fucking gnome just looming back there. What's the reason? Who thought, hey, you know what this background is missing? a Creepy Gnome. This whole scene is... is not normal! I'd like to see a re-enactment of this. You're up Yeti.

(The Nerd plays ping-pong with Yeti, in an re-enactment. Then the cat hit hit the Nerd's glasses by hitting a ping-pong ball, making a huge SLAM!)

The Nerd: Then there's basketball. You just keep tossing balls at the net, while the cat sits there and watches. Meanwhile, the gnome is standing there, turned away as if he's taken a piss. I mean, that is the universal pose for I'm facing the other way because i'm pissing. Now what bothers me is that it seems this gnome is in a different spot than before. Now if i had a gnome statue in my backyard and every time i looked out the window it was in a different spot, I'd uh, I'd be a little bit concerned. Wish that cat would do something. Come on, get that ball! Come on, you can do it, you can do it!

(The cat jumps over the basketball hoop, by shooting the basketball in slow-motion, making it a perfect slam dunk)

The Nerd: HOT DAMN! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!! Oh boy, what kind of cat dip is she on? That cat fucking slam dunk that shit! That is ingenious, and totally unrealistic, there's so many other things that could include it that a real cat would have done.

The Nerd: There's of course the classic chasing of the laser pen. The game we like to call "Kill the Red Dot", which is in the game basically. But what about drinking out of the sink? That would have been a good one. Aim the cat's tongue to catch the water. I've often wondered why cats never drink the water after you fill the dish. I mean, it's the same exact water that came out of the faucet. Yeah, but what fun is the dish? I mean, they want the water to be fresh and flowing. (To Yeti) Those picky little bastards. How about a stage where you have to open the door for the cat, but the cat changes its mind so you have to keep reopening it. Or how about when you're trying to walk and the cat stays one step in front of you so you got to walk really slow? I mean, I wouldn't want to walk near somebody's legs, I mean, it's just this big giant coming at you, I mean, why do they do that? Or how about when you're trying to go down the steps but they run past you because they gotta erase you to the bottom? Or how about a stage where you control the cat leaping on a different furniture to get up high? Yeah! You've never seen a cat think so hard as to when it's planning the trajectory of its next jump. The ultimate goal is to reach the highest spot. You know, it's the "King Kong Complex", climb to the highest peak to show who's boss.

The Nerd: How 'bout a stage where you get up out of your chair and then have to race back before the cat steals your spot? How 'bout a target practice game where you got to claw the cursor on the computer screen? How 'bout one where you headbutt your owner or when were you climb into their lap and then just sink your fucking claws in there! Or, where you chase their foot under a blanket, like it's a moving animal. How 'bout one where you close the closet door not knowing the cat's in there? Now you think the cat would meow, because having the door open would mean they can come out whenever they want. But, no, no, they're not ready to come out yet so they're going to wait hours then they're going to meow, because cats only think in the moment.

The Nerd: So anyway, that's a lot of ideas right there. But no, how on earth did they come up with cats shooting arrows at hearts? Oh, it's those damn cats again, always up on the ledge, shooting those hearts with an arrow! Who's holding the bow anyway, and where are the other cat's ears? Then there's a Simon Says game called "Copy Cat", where you watch the colored lights and then copy the same pattern. (Hears some cats meowing sound effects in the Simon Says-like Copy Cat game, The Nerd then laughs and scoffs.) You gotta love how the cats poke their heads out. (He laughs and scoffs again.) I especially love the one that jumps out the top. Then there's a singing game, where you have to catch the notes. (To the cat meowing tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb) This is the reason why video games were invented.

The Nerd: Anyway, there's not much else to this game. You just feed the cat, throw the yarn, do a mini-game, feed the cat, clean the shit, throw the yar-- Wha-wha-wha-wha-what?

(Cut to a shot of the Nerd shocked, in an EXTREME inverted close-up, then hears emotional, heartbeat sounds. Next, we see the litter box filled with cat poop in the game, then puts them over on the plastic brown bag. The Nerd then falls over the Wii Remote from his hand, then swaying over the remote side-to-side in another close-up, which is strapped to it, as he continues to shock. He then gets up over the couch and looking closer and closer to the TV, with Yeti appearing under the couch again, set to music to the cat meowing tune of Ode To Joy. He then makes yet ANOTHER close-up to the Nerd's glasses showing the litter box. He waddles around and then he grabs a Rolling Rock over the TV. He drinks the entire Rolling Rock until he gets back in the couch and throws the beer over the floor. Then, he confuses, scoffs and awfully scarce once more as the Nerd pauses in for a brief moment.)

The Nerd: Well... I came really close to saying... this game... sucks so badly... It would be more fun to play... with cat turds. (Pauses some more) Well then here comes a game... where you're actually playing... WITH CAT TURDS!!! OH MY GOD! Somebody made this game, for me! Oh my god! I finally found it! Where has this been all my life? I can't even make a joke about, Nintendo WIIIIIII! You know, Wii, like PISS?! No! Because we went straight to SHIT! THIS GAME KNOWS WHAT IT IS! And you want to know how it plays? Like SHIT! You're supposed to press A to pick up the poop and dump it in the bag, but it barely works! Come on, pick up the shit, pick up the shit, pick up the shit! I can't even talk about the controls being shitty because it's literally SHIT! Shitty controls of controlling SHIT!!! (The Nerd cries and sarcastic hysterically.)

The Nerd: So the only thing better would be if you took control the cat's asshole, the "CATS-HOLE!" and aimed the shit into the duty pan! The controls would be worse than the re-fueling stage in Top Gun. To sum up Purr Pals, it is the most purr-plexing pussy Wii game I've ever played with the clumsiest of controls, the most ludicrous mini-games, the most fucked-up feline scenarios ever conceived by a human mind! What were they thinking, drinking, smoking- How did it get made? I don't know... but i'm glad it did.

Dedicated to Boo

2007-2020

And all your furry little friends, past and present.

Trivia[]

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