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Hudson_Hawk_(NES)_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

Hudson Hawk (NES) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

The Nerd: When it comes to movie-based games, you'd think I covered them all by now. But here's another one based on the Bruce Willis film, Hudson Hawk, on Nintendo.

Eddie Hawkins: What's Nintendo?

The Nerd: The film is a mix of action and slapstick comedy. Bruce plays Eddie Hawkins, who's just been released from prison after serving his time for committing robberies. He's supposed to be the most skilled burglar in the world. Yeah, so skilled, he gets caught. Anyway, all he wants is a cappuccino, but he gets forced into doing another big heist when he's blackmailed by members of a mafia crime family known as the Mario Brothers. Wow, the Mario Brothers. And I'm sure it's a conscious reference, because they mention Nintendo multiple times.

Driver: Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks?

The Nerd: Wow. "Play some Nintendo? Bone some chicks?" I'm surprised they were able to say that while having an official tie-in with an NES game!

Eddie Hawkins: Will you play Nintendo with me?

The Nerd: Wow. That should have been the commercial. Bruce Willis saying, "Would you play Nintendo with me?" Boom! Sold! But the marketing strategy on this game was so poor that as a kid, I never even heard of this game! But it definitely would have gotten my attention, especially if they just ran an ad that said, "Play some Nintendo. Bone some chicks." How's that for a slogan? That would have sold some copies. Better than "Play it Loud" and all that shit. You know, they should have done that since the early days of gaming. You know, for Atari, instead of this, ["Have you played Atari today?"] They should have sang this. ["Have you gotten laid today?"] Big improvement.

The Nerd: Okay, I might have gotten off topic there. So in the film, the bad guys force Bruce to steal the works of Leonardo Da Vinci. Not because they want them, but because they contain secrets. It's like the Da Vinci code, but shitty. The secrets are that Da Vinci hid crystals in them. Crystals needed to power a machine that turns lead into gold. The criminal's master plan is to flood the market with gold, so that it'll crash the world's economy... Do you even care at this point?

Eddie Hawkins: Up yours!

The Nerd: All you need to know is, it's a movie. It has Bruce Willis. He's screaming his head off. He's doing that stupid laugh he does.

Eddie Hawkins: (laughs)

The Nerd: You gotta love him. He's as sarcastic as ever, like John McClane exaggerated as a cartoon. You want Die Hard with the comedy ramped up? That's what this is.

Eddie Hawkins: How am I driving? 1-800-I'm gonna fucking die!

The Nerd: Actually, I don't know what this is. I don't have any clue what's going on. The slapstick humor is so dumb and so unfunny, it becomes funny again. Just as an example, there's a running gag where he keeps trying to drink a cappuccino, and something always happens. So the film's a mixed bag, but let's see what kind of bag the game is. First, I need a beer.

(The Nerd tries to drink a Rolling Rock, but a copy of Grand Theft Auto for Xbox falls from above and knocks the bottle out of his hand.)

The Nerd: Well, the first thing to mention is the cover art. The PAL version has Bruce Willis' face, but the North American version does not. So what gives? Did Bruce Willis have a problem with one part of the world using his likeness? Did he find out how bad the game sucks and had the art pulled?

Eddie Hawkins: What is that?

Other Guy: That's a copy of Hudson Hawk on the NES!

Eddie Hawkins: Is this funny? You think this is some kind of fucking joke, huh?

(Eddie Hawkins throws the NES game.)

The Nerd: But check out his in-game character. Wow. Flat top, super sun-tanned. Not even close to Bruce Willis. Seems the movie made more references to Nintendo than Nintendo actually made references to the movie! The first stage, you're trying to rob an auction house, which actually does follow the film, although your main weapon is throwing baseballs that fly in an arc over everything. Okay, in the movie, he does throw a baseball. In like one scene, But it's to break a window in order to use a grappling hook. So instead of the grappling hook, we get the fucking baseball? You have to use the baseball to distract dogs. There's tons of dogs always ready to drag your ass off a building. Are there dogs in the movie? Well, yes! But I kinda have the feeling it's a coincidence. Could they be referring to the one that tries to eat his crotch, or that really weird scene where he launches the dog out the window?

The Nerd: Anyway, it's only a minute and a half into the game when the true fuckery begins. There's a window you need to reach, but you can only get up there by stacking two crates. So you take one of the crates up this little elevator, you push it on top the other crate... ugh, that's sloppy. Let me straighten it out. Oh shit. Now I gotta hop up there again, bring the elevator back down, take the crate back up, push it right on top... (sighs) Push it back to the elevator, bring the elevator down... Ugh, motherfucker! Push it out of the way, bring the elevator down, take the crate up. Okay, got 'em stacked. Now, all I gotta do is jump... FUCK! Do it all over again... and finally... I made it! Oh boy, I need a beer after that.

(The Nerd tries to drink his Rolling Rock, but the bottle explodes and splashes all over him.)

The Nerd: Next, you're in a hallway guarded by what looks like security cameras, except they shoot lasers! Geez, that's some intense level of security! Not only are the trespassers caught on video but they're immediately incinerated! Wonder if your home security package offers that. Fry people to a fucking crisp. This level's so unforgiving, that if you fall down a hole, it sends you back to the beginning. You know how much I love that shit.

Eddie Hawkins: You certainly do.

The Nerd: The game's so bad, they give you an option to quit. Oh, and anytime you want to see your health status, which are Zelda hearts, you have to pause the game. What the shit? That would be like driving a car, and anytime you want to see how much gas, you have you have to pull over and turn off the engine. Another crate. I'm just going to push it over here. Whoa! Did you see what happened? The crate just said, "Um, no."

The Nerd: It doesn't even feel like playing a game. Feels like you're just pushing buttons and hoping something happens. You have to trick it into being functional. The next section sends you down a bunch of slides. This is where the torture really begins. You're sliding down down into hell. You're going through a maze of ductwork, avoiding steam and electrical charges. Just try not to die. Just try. On top of the death traps, you have to navigate in a certain order, flipping switches to turn off fans that block your way. Not to mention, it was released by Sony Imagesoft, the publishers of Dragon's Lair on NES. So it makes perfect sense that everything should be weird and cryptic. I mean, look at this part here. You have to make it all the way around a loop, just to get up here so you can hit a switch, but you have to hit that switch on your way down, or else you need to do the loop all over again. Plus, it's timed, so you have to run past the fan real fast, but if you run real fast, you get killed by the steam! Fuck!

Eddie Hawkins: Just two more minutes. I was so close!

The Nerd: FUCK! Uuuggghhh! Oh, your mother. Nnngh! Ughhh, FUCK!

Eddie Hawkins: This is how I go out, like a hunk of frozen Play-Doh, like a...

The Nerd: Finally, I made it to the next part. Just gonna hop off this crate, grab the wire... FUUUCK! Back to the BEGINNING! UUUGGGHHH! Finally, I reached the end of Stage One, and may I emphasize: Stage One, I steal the first item, Da Vinci's horse sculpture, The Sforza, which in real life was never completed. Only a clay model was made which was destroyed. If only the same could have happened to this game.

(The Nerd looks at the camera, puts down his NES controller, and tries to drink his Rolling Rock, but Shit Pickle swipes the bottle of his hand.)

Shit Pickle: Shit pickle.

(Shit Pickle drinks the entire bottle of Rolling Rock.)

The Nerd: You know, since you're here, I've... been meaning to ask you this for the longest time, but... how'd the shit get on your head? Were you shat on? Were you up somebody's butt? Were you dipped in shit that's already been shat, or... have you always existed that way and there's no fecal origin?

Shit Pickle: Shiiiiiit pickle pickle pickle pickle pickle shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle.  Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shit pickle shit pickle! Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shiiiiiit pickle pickle pickle pickle pickle. Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle. Shit pickle shit pickle! Shit pickle, shit... pickle.

The Nerd: Wow. Not what I expecting at all, but thanks for sharing that. Well, there you have it.

The Nerd: In stage two, your mission is to rob the Vatican.

Eddie Hawkins: I'm robbing the freaking Vatican.

The Nerd: Yeah, i bet you didn't know that. Underneath the vatican there's a network of sewers with floating brown orbs, steam traps and spears that go up your ass. These sewers are patrolled by nuns that don't fuck around, they're pushing around. These old-time cannons that will blast you into oblivion. So they have cannons but all I get is a baseball. That's real fair. Oh wait, I can punch? All this time I could punch? Tapping B throws the baseball but if you hold B, it punches. Well, I suppose there's lots of ways that could have been programmed. You could hit Select to switch back and forth or hold up while hitting B to throw the ball but damn, holding B would have never been my first instinct to jab an enemy. Not to mention, we're punching nuns in the fucking face.

The Nerd: Next, we're on top of the Vatican which actually happens in the movie. Now if only they included the part where the TV antenna gets damaged while the Pope is trying to watch Mr. Ed. Yeah, Mr. Ed, now that's a fucking trip! and now the nuns are dropping the bombs from parachutes. Man, these nuns are out of control and just in case you make it inside the vatican, they're ready for you because the floor is equipped with electrical traps. Man, there's a lot of electricity in this game. In the movie, I can only think of one instance where he gets zapped.

Eddie Hawkins: Ughhh! What the fuck is the matter with you?

The Nerd: By the end of the stage, it does follow the movie closely where he steals what they call Da Vinci's sketchbook, the codex and if you really care it's not based on any specific manuscript of Da Vinci's even though they include an image of the Vitruvian. Man, it's just mashed together made-up movie bullshit.

The Nerd: The third stage they don't even bother because in the movie, it's what they call Da Vinci's helicopter based on his conceptual design of the aerial screw. But the game just says "Fuck it" and makes it the mirrored crystal. But the movie ends with them sailing on an ancient flying machine.

Eddie Hawkins/Anna Baragli: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

The Nerd: I guess built by Da Vinci but it comes out of nowhere I'm surprised i didn't have a flying stage in the game. Instead, you're hopping around on disappearing platforms. Honestly, I can't tell if it's a glitch, or not.

The Nerd: Next thing you're trying to climb across a rope but there's a sloth in the way. At least i think it's a sloth. Does anybody's guess what that thing is supposed to be are there any sloths in the movie? I don't think so! But i wish there was because wouldn't that be great to see Bruce Willis yelling at a sloth.

Eddie Hawkins: Want a little more, Jumbo? Kick your big, flabby ass.

The Nerd: But in case you can't tell already we are heading deep into the territory of... Remember that from the movie? Because there's guys throwing guitars and TV's, guys hanging from balloons, tennis players on the roof, Why are they playing tennis on the roof? And what? There's kangaroos now and giant mices? How did this amalgamation of characters come to be? Did they just grab a bunch of athletes, circus performers, zoo animals and lab experiments? Every enemy on this stage could have come from a different game. Up till this point it sort of followed the movie, But now, they just gave up. In fact, level three is the last stage.

Eddie Hawkins: No way!

The Nerd: Wow, only three levels. Even Karate Kid had four. Did they run out of ideas? Did the deadline approach and they had to just shit it out or, could it be that three levels is all the movie had to offer? Well that's one way to do it if it gets the point where you're adding kangaroos and shit. You might as well just end it there.

The Nerd: Even if it was a really good movie like The Breakfast Club, how would that work as a game? Level one, you're sitting in detention. Level two, you're sitting in detention. Level three, you're sneaking around the school. Write the letter, The end. So maybe you can say that what they've done with Hudson Hawk is commendable. They didn't stretch it out into ten levels and fill it with all kinds of bullshit, no! This is a three-level movie so it's gonna be a three-level game! DONE! Ingenious.

The Nerd: The final boss, if you call it a boss is the crystal powered gold making machine from the film. It's that certain type of boss that doesn't really fight back, you might as well be fighting a washing machine. All you do is go around the room hit all the switches then grab the crystal and it's over. "Congratulations, Hawk! The gold machine has been totally destroyed. Together, with the alchemy project you may have saved the economic fate of the whole world." Wow, you may have saved! It-it's not a hundred percent confirmed but we think you've won. Imagine if you beat Contra and it said "Congratulations, you've possibly destroyed the vile Red Falcon and maybe save the universe you can consider yourself a hero, though it's debatable."

The Nerd: Well, this is the part of the episode where i give a final judgment on this game i go off on a big epic rant and tell you all the things i'd rather do and all the different types of feces that come out of different animal anuses. But instead, I'm gonna look on the positive side. Yeah, just for once because there has to be something good about this game. Well, uh... it functions. It didn't freeze it follows the movie somewhat uh... It only has three levels. Um, it has a pause button! It doesn't have high-pitched shrieking music that makes you want to rip your brain through your ears! It's not The Last Ninja, it's not made by LJN, it may be shit, but it's not actual shit! I think that's a good thing. You can't die from it, probably not! It doesn't give off any odors, it tastes like nothing compared to the liquid ass of a gasoline-guzzling gorilla nor is it as repulsive as a hagfish which can produce gallons of snot on cue to choke its predators! IT DOESN'T COMPLETELY SUCK SO BAD THAT'LL MAKE YOU RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND SHOVE THEM IN YOUR EYE SOCKETS! IT'S NOT THE GODDAMN FUCKING APOCALYPSE!!! IT'S JUST... a GAME! But the best thing about this game is that it's easily destructible!

(The Nerd throws the NES game in the garbage bin as it heard in an explosion.)

The Nerd: Well the movie has a happy ending, Eddie Hawkins finally gets to have his cappuccino. Looks like they could use that shot in a Folgers' commercial. ["The best part of wakin' up is Folgers' in your cup!"]

The Nerd: As for me, I'm finally gonna have my beer. Cheers.

(The Nerd then finally drinks the Rolling Rock, turns out he is drunk, set into a Folgers' jingle parody)

["The best part of wakin' up is getting all fucked up!"]

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