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DOOM_-_Angry_Video_Game_Nerd_(AVGN)

DOOM - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

(The episode begins in a Doom first-person shooter-like graphic, as the Nerd getting the Doom game on the Commodore 64, then getting another Doom game on the PC, set with the Nerd humming the Doom theme.)

The Nerd: This Halloween, I think it's time for a real treat. We're goin' back, to one of the best horror games of all time, Doom. I remember when this came out, it was so badass, you couldn't just say Doom. You had to say Doom, or fuckin' Doom. A proper example in a sentence would be "Hey, when I get home from school, I'm gonna play some fuckin' Doom." It was more than a game, it was a rite of passage. If you play this, you're cool. Enough with all the other shit, this is the real deal. Everybody was talkin' about it, everybody was playin' it.

(Cut to scene from the movie, Star Trek Generations, where Data is shown playing Doom.)

Jean-Luc Picard: (to Data) You're an officer on board this ship, and I require you to perform your duty. That is an order, Commander!

(Cut to scene from Seinfeld, where Jerry is seen playing Doom.)

Kramer: Look, c'mon, let me use it, five minutes, I'll pay ya back.

(Jerry ignores Kramer and continues to play Doom. Cut to picture of McDonald's kiosk with Doom on the screen.)

The Nerd (vo): There was even a rumor that somebody got Doom running on a McDonald's kiosk, but that wasn't true. But, somebody actually did get Doom running on a McDonald's cash register.

The Nerd: Doom was the reason computers existed. It was one of the first times I ever heard about... system requirements. Megabytes? What the hell is that shit? Will it work on my Commodore 64? Let's find out.

(The Nerd inserts the Doom floppy disk into his Commodore 64. The Doom title screen shows on the C64 monitor. A loading bar appears with text above it reading, "LOADING...TIME REMAINING 66.6 HOURS", as a fart sound effect plays.)

The Nerd: Well - I guess I'm not cool. No Doom for me. Heh, that's fine, I'll wait.

(The Nerd gets up from his computer chair and sits down on the couch.)

The Nerd: So while that loads, I'm gonna talk about my memories... of Doom.

The Nerd (vo): Before Doom, first-person shooters, FPS, wasn't what it is today. Back then, FPS stood for "Fucking Piece of Shit". Just look at Fester's Quest. You can see what I mean. At the time, I thought it was great! Never could I have imagined that three-dimensional games would become so much smoother, and more detailed. But then, id Software dropped on us Wolfenstein 3D. Holy shit! And then, in '93, came the big motherfucker, Doom.

(Montage of Doom gameplay plays.)

The Nerd (vo): It melted our faces, blew our minds, stained our pants, both sides of the pants. Even the instruction manual had one of the best plots I have ever read. You're a tough, mean-ass space marine who gets sent to Mars for assaulting a superior officer. There's a line that says, "Matching heads with torsos to send home to the folks became a full-time job." All the trouble starts when something evil comes out of an interdimensional gateway. Your radio picks up "the sounds of combat: guns firing, men yelling orders, screams, bones cracking... then finally, silence." The way it's written chills your bones, and gets ya ready to play.

When this came out, it was a genuinely scary game. You never knew when a demon was lurking around the corner. Sometimes you'd hear a snarl. You'd jump and say, "Whoa! Where is he? Where is he?!" It makes you paranoid as fuck! Ya had to watch your back. And then when you least expect, those evil bastards would get up in your face!

This is a game where the sound plays a big part. You had to listen, so you know what's coming. And when you shoot those demons, those growls and screams are so brutal. (The Nerd kills enemies on-screen) OHHHHHH! (The Nerd kills another enemy) WHOOOOA! (The Nerd kills more enemies) AHHHH! You'd never get bored of hearing it. It's so satisfying to gun them down. The way their bodies fall into bloody piles is priceless. Some of them, their guts spill out, and it's amazing. I couldn't believe such a gory video game could exist! It's one big, beautiful, fuckin' bloodbath. It was shocking, it was sick, and messed up! It wasn't just a game ya played for fun; this is a game ya play to blow off some fuckin' steam! Have I been saying "fucking" a bit much? Well - that's because I'm talkin' fuckin' Doom.

The Nerd: Man... I just wanna play it now.

(The Nerd glances at the loading screen on the C64 monitor, which still says "0.0%" above the loading bar.)

The Nerd (vo): Let me ask, in video games, what happens to enemies after they're defeated? They disappear, right? That's usually what happens, but not in Doom. The corpses stay on the ground! You can even leave the room, come back, and they're still there. I didn't even know programming that was even possible! It's handy too. Whenever I get lost, I just look for the trail of dead bodies to see where I've been. It's easy to get lost, as the mazes get more complex as you go on. Sometimes ya almost have to play with the map screen on, which is kinda funny, because now you're just an arrow. Kinda feels like you're controlling the spaceship in Asteroids. By the way, you can even hump the walls.

Oh, and those weapons. Maaan, those weapons. It feels triumphant when you pick up a chain gun, or a plasma gun, or a chainsaw! There's nothin' more vicious and foul than when you're grindin' away at a demon's face! Ugh, DAAAMN! And just think, since Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the idea of chainsaws being depicted as weapons, was a pretty savage concept. I'd never seen it done in a game, in such an epic, bloody way. And then there's the B-F-Fuckin'-G. Yes, the Big Fuckin' Fuckin' Gun. Don't gimme that Bio Force Gun bullshit! It's the Big FUCKING Gun! And if you run outta ammo, your last resort is your fists. Man, who goes around punching demons in the face?! That's gotta take some serious shit, man! Oh, and wait 'til you get berserk. Now you can punch so hard, some of the demons explode! You don't wanna fuck with this guy!

(The Nerd glances at the loading screen C64 monitor again, which changes to "0.1%" above the loading bar.)

The Nerd: YEEEAH!

The Nerd (vo): The music. Dude. It doesn't mess around. It just rocks your balls off with the soundtrack by Metalica, Slayer, Pantera, Alice in Chains, AC/DC, and more. Oh wait, those bands didn't actually sign off? You can call them sound-alikes, or inspired by, but damn, some are identical. Just listen to the comparisons on YouTube. Either way, I'm not complaining, because metal and Doom, go better together than coffee and cream.

I've already said this game can be scary, but when you get to the later levels, it gets flat out traumatizing. As a kid, playing this all alone in your room late at night, freaks you out. The walls are covered in flesh and blood; there's faces poppin' out everywhere. This place is bad news. It's as if you're descending deeper and deeper into hell. Look at that! They said it best in John Carpenter's The Thing. You gotta be fuckin' KIDDING me! There's a guy crucified, with statues barfing blood? There's a beating heart? I just need to ask: how did this place get this way?

The Nerd: So, great game. But here's where we talk about all the bad parts. So, what are some of the things that are wrong with this game? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The Nerd (vo): It's the fuckin' best! That's all there is to it. And if one awesome game wasn't enough, well then came Doom II!

(Montage of Doom II gameplay plays.)

The Nerd (vo): Man, Doom II's got everything! It even has a famous Easter Egg. While facing the final boss, The Icon of Sin, you go through the wall, and find a head on a spike, which is designer/programmer John Romero. The legacy of Doom can barely be charted, as it's influenced too many games to count. It's been the subject of several mods like Mario Doom, Batman Doom, Seinfeld Doom, and there's a ton more weird mods out there. And still, Doom holds up, whereas many other 3D games from this era become dated. Remember Zero Tolerance on Genesis? No? Well, good. But Doom, we can't forget. When we inhabit Mars, we'll still be playing Doom.

Oh. I gotta play it. I gotta play it!

(The Nerd glances at the C64 monitor another time, which still says "0.1%" above the loading bar.)

The Nerd: Come on, that WAD file's gotta load!

Load that WAD! Don't jerk me around! Ugh, fuckin' Doom! I gotta play Doom!

Doom! DOOM! I must play DOOM! [in slow motion] DOOM!

[in normal motion] I gotta play DOOM!

(The Nerd takes a pillow and muffles himself.)

The Nerd: Doom! Oh, Doom! I'd sell my soul to play some Doom!

(The lights go dark and tinted red. Mist envelops the Nerd Room. The Icon of Sin appears on the Nerd's TV.)

Icon of Sin: .neppah taht ekam nac I ?mooD yalp ot hsiw uoy

The Nerd: It's speakin' backwards. I know. It's that devil shit. (The Nerd picks up a boombox.) Can ya repeat that, please? (He hits record.)

Icon of Sin: .neppah taht ekam nac I ?mooD yalp ot hsiw uoy

(The Nerd stops recording and hits another button.)

Icon of Sin: (reversed) You wish to play Doom? I can make that happen.

The Nerd: You can help me? To play Doom? (hits record.)

Icon of Sin: ?ti rof reffus ot gnilliw uoy era hcum woH

Icon of Sin: (reversed) How much are you willing to suffer for it?

The Nerd: What do you mean? What's the deal? And do ya have to keep speaking backwards?

Icon of Sin: Actually, that would be a lot easier... so that I don't have to think of all my sentences in reverse.

The Nerd: Okay, good. (He puts down the boombox.)

Icon of Sin: Anyway, you wanna play Doom, right?

The Nerd: Yeah! I want to play Doom! What do I have to do?

Icon of Sin: You shall live your life playing crappy games.

The Nerd: Fine. I already do that. And they're not "crappy" games, they're shitty games. Come on, you're the Devil.

Icon of Sin: Do you accept these terms?

The Nerd: Yeah. Whatever. Give me Doom!

Icon of Sin: You shall have your Doom! (laughs)

(The SNES version of Doom appears inserted into the Super NT. An SNES controller floats towards the Nerd and he catches it.)

The Nerd: (pained chuckle) You son of a bitch... that's pretty good. Fu-uck!

The Nerd (vo): Well, this is Doom... on Super Nintendo. What can ya say? Just look at it! Doomguy needs to see an eye doctor. It's so pixelated, it's practically a mosaic. The graphics are real dark too, but not in a creepy, atmospheric kinda way. Like a murky, ugly kinda way. Enemies can't turn around. They're like cardboard cutouts; they have no back! But on the other hand, the music is great!

(A snippet of the game's music plays.)

The Nerd (vo): The control is also very smooth. Strafing with L and R works real well. The only drawback is that you can't turn around as fast as you could with a mouse. You have to give it credit because it's a 16-bit console. They made Doom work well under the circumstances. It even has an online multiplayer feature using the XBAND modem. That was definitely ahead of its time.

The Nerd: This is a good port, but it's nowhere near as good as the PC version. (to Icon of Sin) Okay, ya got me. Can I play the real Doom now?

Icon of Sin: Oh, you're not satisfied? Try this.

(The 32X port of Doom appears inside the 32X. The controller flies towards the Nerd. He sighs and shakes his head.)

The Nerd (vo): Doom on Sega 32X. Now, this has gotta be better. It's 32-bit. That's twice the bits as Super Nintendo! Oh God. Well... the resolution is an improvement, but not as good as the PC. It still looks pretty murky and pixelated. But the music... what's goin' on?!

(A snippet of the game's lower-quality music plays.)

The Nerd (vo): Did we go backwards in technology?!

The Nerd: Sounds like somebody shoved a harmonica up their ass! And farted through it.

The Nerd (vo): This is a downgrade from the Super Nintendo version. You can compare them side-by-side and see the level designs are actually missing certain things. Like this hole. Where'd the hole go? Turning around is still a chore. And 3 buttons on the Genesis just doesn't cut it. You gotta get the 6-button controller. Not to mention, it has 15 levels compared to the 22 levels on the Super Nintendo version.

The Nerd: Alright, enough jokin' around. I want the real Doom.

Icon of Sin: Trust me, I have a version that'll be more to your liking.

The Nerd: PlayStation?

(A PlayStation controller flies towards the Nerd. The PS1 version's intro plays.)

The Nerd: Whoa... that's actually pretty cool.

The Nerd (vo): It has its own original title music, which sounds like the Danny Elfman Batman theme. I think that's cool... but hang on. Did they change all the music? All the Pantera and Slayer stuff is gone, replaced by some droning atmospheric music.

(Snippet of the game plays.)

The Nerd (vo): Which is still cool, I guess. It's creepier. Oh well. The graphics are superb; almost like the PC. They even added some color tinting to some of the rooms, to help you distinguish where you're at. The controls are smooth. Everything operates fine. It even includes Doom II, which is a big bonus. None of the other ports had Doom II. So there's not much to complain about here. It's a near-perfect port of Doom. But man... that music! It just doesn't feel complete without those rockin' tunes.

The Nerd: So I have to pass on this one too. C'mon, can ya at least give me one version of Doom that checks all the boxes?

Icon of Sin: Try this one for size.

(The Saturn version appears inside the Saturn. The controller flies towards the Nerd.)

The Nerd (vo): Okay, well, Doom on the Sega Saturn. I wish I could say it's better than the 32X. The graphics are a bit more crisp, but it's darker. And the controls are a little more laggy. It also has random slowdown every now and then. It could be a case where playing it on a CD is not as stable as on a cartridge. I don't know. Also, where's the music? It's the same atmospheric drone like the PlayStation. No Metallica, nothing. Did they get a cease-and-desist from Lars fuckin' Ulrich?!

The Nerd: That music ain't cuttin' it. You gotta give me a better Doom!

Icon of Sin: Oh, you don't like that music? Well, see how you like this.

(The Jaguar version appears inside the Jaguar.)

The Nerd: Jaguar?

(The Nerd catches the Jaguar controller in mid-air. Gameplay is shown, where no music plays. Cut back to the Nerd, his hand to his ear in disbelief.)

The Nerd: Oh, this has to be a joke. Listen to that. Hear that music? (chuckles) No, ya don't. There is no music!

The Nerd (vo): Okay, so you might remember that I've already brought this up in my Jaguar episode back in 2009.

(Cut to a snippet from AVGN Jaguar Part 2)

2009 Nerd (vo): Doom. This is one of the best console ports of Doom that I've played. It comes as close to the PC version as it gets. But they had to ruin it with one thing: there's no music during the gameplay. (snippet of the game is shown) Really? Was there any reason not to have music?

(Cut back)

The Nerd (vo): But shortly after that episode, I got a message from designer Sandy Petersen, saying it was a money issue, though John Romero has clarified it was actually a hardware issue, that the Jaguar didn't have the memory and CPU resources. Pretty awesome of him to respond, right? Otherwise, it's not a bad version of Doom. The controls are alright. It's the only version to have a custom keypad overlay. Sure, holding C to strafe is a bit clunky, and the map screen's a little weird. It's almost like playing an Atari game. Actually, I am playing an Atari game!

The Nerd: Okay, that's it. Can you do any better?! Or should I say, can you do any worse?

Icon of Sin: Eat this!

(The 3DO version appears inside the 3DO and the controller rises up.)

The Nerd: 3DO?!

(He catches the controller. The 3DO version's custom soundtrack starts playing.)

The Nerd: Oh my God... oh my GOD! The music! It's amazing! It's even BETTER than the PC version! It's like they re-recorded the music with like, a real guitar! Even included some pinch harmonics!

(The soundtrack continues playing)

The Nerd: So there it is: the best Doom music. But as for the game... it's the FUCKIN' WORST!

The Nerd (vo): The resolution and framerate is TERRIBLE! The control's more laggy, and more delayed than any of the other versions. You can shrink the screen to make it run a little smoother, but who wants that? The story goes, that designer/programmer Rebecca Heineman had only 10 weeks to rush the port through development. And I've heard she's real cool, and has shared stories about its production. She even shared some behind-the-scenes photos of... of... what? FMV scenes? This game was going to have FMV scenes?! They actually filmed a bunch of crazy stuff with full Hollywood-level monster costumes. It looks awesome! But sadly, it didn't make it in, because it was delivered two weeks before release, and there wasn't enough time to make the deadline. But one thing that did make it in: when you die... your head explodes!

The Nerd: Wow! Let's see that again!

The Nerd (vo): It's the only version of Doom, where your head explodes! Amazing. If only the rest of the game were any good!

The Nerd (vo): Okay, so let's rank the Doom ports. Graphics: I'd say the best is PlayStation, and the worst is Super Nintendo. Music: I'd say the best is 3DO, and the worst is Jaguar, because there is none. Control: the best is PlayStation, and the worst is 3DO. If I were to give them names, I'd call them "Poor Man's Doom" (32X), "Silent Doom" (Jaguar), "Mosaic Doom" (SNES), "Almost Doom" (PS1), "Cow's Anus Doom" (3DO), and "Diluted Diarrhea Doom" (Saturn). They all have their pros and cons. This is like a pick-your-poison situation. And no, I didn't forget about Doom 64, because that's a completely different game. I call this one "Blind Doom", because it's so dark, you can't see shit. If only it was the 64th version of Doom.

Icon of Sin: Wait, what about Doom on Game Boy Advance?

(A GBA flies towards the Nerd. He catches it and looks at the Doom cartridge in disbelief.)

The Nerd: Really. Doom, on a handheld console? Do we really have to scrub the bottom of the shit-bowl?

The Nerd (vo): Actually, this is half-decent... for a handheld console. The resolution is similar to Super Nintendo, but it's brighter and easier to see what you're doin'. It controls fine. Music and sounds are good. Not as good as PC, obviously, but for a portable version of Doom on Game Boy Advance, it's not bad.

The Nerd: Okay, there can't be any more of these. I'm done now, right?

Icon of Sin: Just hang in there. There's a few more.

(A cassette tape flies towards the Nerd. Cut towards the ZX Spectrum version of Doom.)

The Nerd (vo): Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why would they port Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why even bother?! The graphics are what you'd expect, and the controls are so bad, it's almost non-functional!

(A version of Doom on NES is shown.)

The Nerd (vo): Now you're really pullin' my leg! Doom on NES?! There's no way. Look at it. It's total garbage! At least it works with the NES Zapper. That's good, I guess.

The Nerd: (holding a Game Boy) Doom on Game Boy?

(Footage of The Ultimate Doom in Game Boy resolution is shown.)

The Nerd (vo): No... noooooooo! UGGHH! This is below the bottom of the toilet! We're all the way into the sewage plant at this point.

The Nerd: (holding a Virtual Boy) Doom... on Virtual Boy?!

(Footage of Doom with a Virtual Boy-like filter is shown.)

The Nerd (vo): You know... I thought this would be a cool idea. To experience Doom in virtual reality? But this is way too soon. Not ready yet! Oh! Man, at least the blood is red... because everything's red!

The Nerd (vo): Doom on Atari 2600?! Yes, somebody actually made this. Doom on Vectrex?! Somebody actually got this to run?!

The Nerd: (fatigued) Ugh, that's it... I can't take any more... no more Doom!

(A small black device flies towards the Nerd.)

The Nerd: No... it can't be!

The Nerd (vo): Doom... on Tiger Electronic Handheld! This is fucked beyond belief! This is below human standards! This game is FILTH! THIS GAME PUTS THE DIE IN "DIARRHEA"! Who wants to play Doom on a Tiger handheld console? It can't get any worse.

The Nerd: (playing an R-Zone) OH GOD! IT'S WOOOORSE! DOOM... ON R-ZONE!

The Nerd (vo): Doom on a wristwatch! Doom on a fliphone?! Doom on a calculator?! That's right - Doom on a calculator! The crazy thing is, you'd think I'm makin' this up. It's actually real! I am playing Doom... on a calculator! Doom on a Wawa order screen?! You can play Doom while you're ordering mac-n-cheese. Doom on a gas pump?! Fill up your car while blastin' away demons! Don't smoke while ya play it. Doom on the Dreamcast memory card screen?! The VMU? I need to emphasize - not Doom on the actual Dreamcast, but on the memory card. Doom on the screen of your car?! Well - that's dangerous! Doom on your thermostat?! Doom on your VCR clock?! Dig out your VCR for that one! Doom on your microwave?! Good way to kill time while you're waitin' for your food. Doom on the turkey thermometer?! Doom on a pregnancy test! I'm not kidding here. For real. Somebody got this to work. Doom on the Odyssey?! It's just a dot on the screen! But that overlay works nice!

The Nerd: But it is the only Doom port-- (unboxes the Odyssey rifle) --where you get to use a realistic gun! (He cocks the rifle and shoots at the camera.)

The Nerd (vo): Doom the water arcade! Now we're past the limits of electronics! Doom the Etch-a-Sketch?! Doom the flipbook?!

(A flipbook of Doom is shown.)

The Nerd (vo): Doom on a Rubik's Cube?! Doom on POGs?! Fuckin' POGs! Doom: The Toilet Piss Game?! Get pissed off and piss on! YEAH! (The Nerd urinates on the demon drawn on a toilet paper and flushes the toilet) And finally, Doom: The Suppository! It's the only one with Doom II, because it's NUMBER TWO! DIARRHEA DUMP THE DOOM OUT!

The Nerd: And by the way, I took TEN of them earlier! (turns towards Icon of Sin) You wanna give me the Doom, you demonic devil dickhead?! Well, I got some dookie Doom for YOU, fuckface! I'm gonna launch it out my ass through this sumbitch!

(The Nerd pulls up a BFG-9000-looking device.)

The Nerd: This is the BFSG - BIG FUCKING SHIT GUN!

(The Nerd attaches the BFSG to his ass and readies it.)

Icon of Sin: No! Not that!

The Nerd: BOMBS AWAY, MOTHERFUCKER! Here it comes!

(The Nerd feels around the fire button.)

The Nerd: Just wait... alright, where's the button-- where's-- where's that fuckin' button-- (mutters)

(The BFSG begins charging up.)

The Nerd: Oh! Here we go!

(The BFSG begins spraying shit all over the Icon of Sin.)

Icon of Sin: Ahhh!

(The Nerd continues blasting through the BFSG until the wall where his TV was is destroyed, leaving an opening to the area behind it.

The Nerd: Aww, man!

(The Nerd rises up from his couch. He dons the Doomguy helmet and chest armor, along with a brown glove, and brandishes a shotgun and chainsaw. He goes down the path behind his wall, shotgunning the various Doom ports, until eventually finding... the head of John Romero.)

The Nerd: It's you!

John Romero: Never mind the man behind the wall.

The Nerd: You're John Romero.

John Romero: Yes... it was me all along.

The Nerd: You made fuckin' Doom.

John Romero: Yes, and I've been waiting for you to review it. What took you so long, Nerd? More than 200 episodes and you still haven't done Doom.

The Nerd: Are you tellin' me... you've been behind my wall the entire time?

John Romero: Yes. It's been... interesting.

The Nerd: Okay, so look. You made me play all these Doom ports, you did all this weird stuff to the room, you're this decapitated head on a spike that's somehow alive, you're the great and powerful - can you do just one thing? Can you get Doom to run on my Commodore 64?

John Romero: No, I can't do that.

(A fart sound effect plays. The Nerd drops his shotgun and sics his chainsaw on John Romero.)

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