Shrek- Fairy Tale Freakdown (GBC) - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
(The Nerd is gagged and tied to a chair in a room with cutting tools, some onions and gasoline. There is also a Shrek doll and VHS on a pentagram with candles and a crayon picture of The Wicker Man.)
Ogre: (off-screen) Do you have any idea what an ogre can do to you?
The Nerd is faced with an Ogre, struggling and moaning
Ogre: They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. Shake your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. (laughs)
The Nerd: (muffled) Oh no! He's reciting Shrek lines! (screams)
(Outside the Ogre's shack, a band of cloaked cultists assemble, the leader holding a VHS of Shrek.)
EARLIER THAT DAY
The Nerd: Remember that movie Shrek? Came out in 2001, out of nowhere, just became this monster hit, even won an Oscar for Best Animated Feature? But was it really that good? Well, I think I should check it out again.
The Nerd: The movie was kind of a parody of Disney. It mocked the way they would dumb down public domain fairy tales, like adding unnecessary sidekicks and inserting a ton of pop culture references, just to make the source material more marketable, allowing them to juice them for sequels, spin-offs, theme park rides, toys and video games. Shrek is an ogre, who's forced on a quest to save a princess by a pint-sized lord. On the way, Shrek gains allies like a talking donkey, and learns the true meaning of friendship, onions, beauty being on the inside and, you know, all that shit.
The Nerd: So anyway, I gotta rewatch Shrek, but of all these million streaming services, I don't know which one it's on. Is it Amazon or, Peacock or whatever? And you know me, I'm old school, just got a new cell phone finally, so I need to track down a physical copy, even if it's VHS!
The Nerd: I did get this VHS tape, Shrek Retold. This was sent by a fan. This is actually a remake, scene-by-scene. Now that's some commitment right there, but we need to find the actual movie. Um, the video stores, well, that's out. Uh... I know, the library! And not just any library, the Library of Congress. That's right, Shrek was just entered into the National Film Registry. It is now as culturally significant as the original Dracula, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Saving Private Ryan, and Citizen Kane. There's just one problem. I asked the Library of Congress for a copy and they sent me this weird version that's for the Game Boy Advance, which also came with Shark Tale. Ugh, how convenient. Your tax dollars at work.
The Nerd: Yeah! There was this weird period in gaming history, where you could get movies or TV shows made to play on your portable gaming console. I actually have a couple movies made for the Sony PSP. Here, we have Starship Troopers, awesome, and the not-awesome Black Dawn starring Steven Seagal. Why the fuck do I even own this? I gotta be honest. I'd rather not watch Shrek on a tiny-ass Game Boy Advance screen. I wanna watch it on my TV! So luckily I have, the Game Boy Player for the GameCube.
The Nerd: The Game Boy Player is basically just an amped up Super Game Boy, but it can play Game Boy, Game Boy Color and Game Boy Advance games, all on your GameCube. And if I have to say "Game" one more fucking goddamn time, I'm gonna go insane! Hm, just realized, the whole playing Game Boy on your TV thing skipped the Nintendo 64. I mean, there was the Wide Boy 64, but it wasn't released to the public. That thing's almost as wide as Shrek's ass.
The Nerd: First, you grab your GameCube by the purse-handle thing. Second, snap the player into the large port on the bottom, and then it has to be screwed in. You think that would be it. But no, you also need the Game Boy Player disc. Without it, you're fucked! Remember how easy the Super Game Boy was? All you do, you take the cartridge, you put it in the Super Game Boy, and then you put that in your Super Nintendo, and boom! You're playing with power! But good luck not losing this tiny-ass disc. (drops the disc) Oh, fuck! Okay so here's Shrek: The Movie on Game Boy Advance on GameCube, plus Shark Tale.
The Game Cube and Game Boy Advance sequences play, followed by a message reading "Not compatible with Game Boy Player".
The Nerd: The hell is this? I did everything right! Just let me watch Shrek already, goddamn it! (sighs) It turns out the Game Boy Player can't play these types of movie packs. I guess Nintendo was afraid people would capture the movie footage and use it to sell bootlegs. Yeah! Sell bootlegs of shitty, low-resolution pixelated movies. So what am I gonna do now? Well since I'm in a Shrek mood, I guess I'll see what games I have.
The Nerd: While I'm looking for this game, remember when I said Shrek was a clever parody of Disney? Well, Shrek quickly became a parody of itself by also having a ton of sequels, spin-offs, theme park rides, toys, and of course, video games. Alright, here we go. For the Game Boy Color, Shrek's Fairy Tale... Freakdown? What the fuck is a freakdown? I'm guessing it's rippin' off the term "SmackDown", which makes sense, since this looks like a wrestling game and came out during WWF's Attitude era, plus it's appropriate since there was a wrestling scene in the movie. So a freakdown it is.
(The Nerds inserts the game in the Game Boy Player.)
The Nerd: First thing you need to do is pick a language. Well, hm, let's see, American or English? I mean what difference does it make? Is it going to change the spelling of Game Boy Color? Next you're greeted with a pixelated Shrek putting some poor dude in a fucking headlock with a scary-ass grin on his face. (imitating Shrek's Scots accent) "I'm gonna squash yer head like a grape, motherfucker!"
(The Nerd roars and lunges at the camera.)
The Nerd: Ok, let's hit start and...Holy Shit! That Donkey looks like ass. That ass looks like ass. I guess I'll just pick Shrek. Let's get ready to rumuuuuuuuble in the jungle, I mean the forest. Oh god! What the fuck? What the hell's wrong with Shrek's face?
The Nerd: Wait I thought this was wrestling, there's no grappling, pins, referee or even a ring. This is just a run-of-the-mill tournament fighter. Oh! And even worse, the controls are not responsive - at all. The combos just won't register. Luckily the Big Bad Wolf is just a Big Bad Bitch and is easy to take down, just drop kick him until he dies. I like watching Shrek dance while the wolf crumbles to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Next you fight Pinocchio in a village. Pinocchio's a real asshole. Not only can he throw objects, but he can use his boner nose to hit you from further away. Uh! Great now I'm dead.
The Nerd: Did Shrek just fart? Yeah! He did it, it's not like he got the fart punched out of him, he fell over, went stiff and then farted, which means that he died, I mean uh his muscles relaxed, his sphincters loosened and fecal matter has escaped, so this was his death shit. Uhhh! Shrek died! And had a death shit! If you do get to beat that puppet prick Pinocchio, you move into the dungeon to fight... ummm, The Riddler? Oh no, it's just the Gingerbread Man on candy cane stilts. Well now he's just there looking pissed off. I'd be pissed off too if I was vaporized by a clearly constipated Shrek over here.
The Nerd: Next is the swamp where we have a mirror match like in Mortal Kombat. It's Shrek on Shrek carnage. I gotta fight myself and honestly one of the greatest enemies to overcome in your life is yourself. So this game is rather eh, poetic. You know the mirror matches do show me how great Shrek can be to play as, if you can actually pull of his special moves. He farts fire and projectile vomits across the entire screen. Shame these controls are such ass. I'd love to pull off a hot puking. After killing yourself, it's off to... the wrestling ring? Really? Finally? It's now a wrestling game! Nope, you just fight the executioner inside of a wrestling ring looking stage. Bogus! In the movie, the wrestling ring scene wasn't a real ring, it was a horse stable. So did the coders not watch the movie? Anyway, the executioner dies and does a flip. Lastly, you head to the mirror room to easily beat Lord Fuckwad or whatever his name is and that's it. That's the entire game.
The Nerd: No story, no ending, nope, nothing, just a screen that says Champion and then you're sent back to replay the game as other awful characters you've unlocked. I tried some of them too, but it didn't make much of a difference. After you beat the game once, there's no reason to go back. Zero replay value. (The Nerd removes the cartridge) You know what, fuck this game! And fuck the game boy movie! And fuck the GameCube player thingy whatever! And fuck Shark Tale while you're at it! Fuck the very plastic this game is made on! And fuck the movie "Shrek"! Its overrated, I don't know why the Library of CongrASS has to have that one! Ehhh! What the fuck?
The Ogre approaches
Ogre: Playtime is over!
The Nerd: Oh dear.
The Ogre throws an onion on The Nerd's forehead, knocking him out as the Ogre laughs. Scene changes back to outside the shack the Nerd is held in. The Ogre laughs, while the Nerd struggles in his bonds.
The Nerd: (Spitting out the onion) H-H-Hey wait, I love Shrek.
Ogre: Huh?
The Nerd: Y-Y-Yeahhh. U-u-ummm, errr... You gotta a friend in me? You gotta a friend... Oh! That was Toy Story. Fuck!
Ogre: Shrek is love. Shrek is life.
The Ogre steps on the onion and is knocked out on the floor
The Nerd: Well that was some dumb luck.
The Nerd frees himself from his bonds. He takes the Ogre's Shrek Mask, green gloves and cloak and dons them on. He sneaks away from the shack
The Nerd: Come on, come on. I'm almost away from these Shrek freaks. Who the fuck builds their personality on Shrek? (Bumps into the Cult Leader)
Cult Leader: Ah! Brogre Shrek.
The Nerd: Fuck! Er... I mean Shrek is love. Shrek is life.
Cult Leader: Indeed. Is our special guest ready for the ritual?
The Nerd: Er yeah. He sure is my booger. Now if you'll excuse me I have some creepy Shrek eratica to write.
Cult Leader: That's the spirit. But not right now. The ceremony's about to begin.
The Nerd is forced to march with a band of cultists, who are all dressed up as characters from the Shrek movie, some playing instruments. The Nerd then begins to slow down
Cult Leader: What's the matter with you? You call that dancing? (Punches the Nerd's masked face)
The Nerd: Fuck! (More cult members start repeatedly hitting and whacking the Nerd to the ground) Fuck! Ah! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Fuck! Quit it! Fuck off!
The Nerd mumbles and groans as he is forced headfirst into a trash can, then tumbles out
The Nerd: Ow! Fuck this! Fuck Shrek! Fuck Smash Mouth! And fuck you assholes!
The Cult Leader approaches the Nerd as two pig masked cultists hold him
Cult Leader: Excellent ruse Nerd. But the game is ogre.
The Nerd: Quit it with the Shrek puns already. And game over? What game?
Cult Leader: The game of the played leading the player. You see, we sent you that Game Boy movie.
The Nerd: Wha?
Cult Leader: Ya.
The Nerd: No I got that from the Library...
Cult Leader: Of Congress. All according to plan. Shrek's disciples have reached the highest level of government. How else would we have gotten Shrek into the... Library of Fucking Congress?
The Nerd: So you were testing me?
Cult Leader: Don't you see? We're testing everyone. Testing your loyalty to our ogre lord. A test... you have failed. (Whispering) This is the part where you get sacrificed.
Cult Leader kisses the Nerd's masked lips, then points to giant wicker man, where the Nerd is to be ritually sacrificed. A hooded cultist with a torch waits to light the pyre
The Nerd: What? You're gonna kill me? Because I don't like Shrek!? It's a shitty twenty year old movie! You people are crazy! I don't believe any of this!
Cult Leader: Well allow me to make you a believer, Nerd.
The Nerd: (As the pig masked cultists drag him to the wicker man) What? What are you thinking? (Gasps) In the name of God! Oh! What are you thinking?
Once the Nerd is locked inside the wicker man, the hooded cultist lights the pyre. The Nerd screams as the wood catches fire. More screaming from the Nerd as he gets burned alive inside his prison. Soon the whole wicker man is burning and the Nerd has turned into a blackened skeleton. The wicker man collapsed as it is consumed by the fire.